Sorry for wasting your time

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ditto1
ditto1 Member Posts: 660
because, I have an answer from previous post to all my questions and realize its TIME that I must deal with. Yes Im feeling down today and so maybe I just needed to hollar out loud in writing. Rads are taking their toll in just the last 3 treatments. Wow even though I knew it was coming now that its here Im just feeling a little depressed.
Sores in mouth, sore thoart, food no way, water so far so good but hurts. So maybe this is the Newbie welcomeing that we always read about. Last week i was upbeat the RADS and Mask going well, Erbitex ok. Today I felt terrible going in to get the RAD tx. 1st time the Mask kind of bothered me but I made it. My nitestand looks like a pharmacy, my ice box looks like a Boost Factory. Again Im sorry for whining and I know that its such a waste of good energy. I think its the time issue, months from now where will we be. No one knows and we are each different but from many of the post months and years are not out of the question. So thats likely where my depression is coming from today. 56 years old and I have watched way to many tears run down my cheeks it makes me a shamed of myself shoot so many people and Lord knows children are going thru worse than what Im dealing with, so you see why I hate expressing myself this way but maybe its a way to shout out to all those who would understand. Again I just needed to write it out and Im sorry. PS Just a shout out to The Other Ditto (Diane)without you I dont know where I would be. Thank you
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  • Skiffin16
    Skiffin16 Member Posts: 8,305 Member
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    Time...Is On My Side....
    Time is on my side, yes it is
    Time is on my side, yes it is

    Now you always say
    That you want to be free
    But you'll come running back (said you would baby)
    You'll come running back (I said so many times before)
    You'll come running back to me

    Oh, time is on my side, yes it is
    Time is on my side, yes it is

    You're searching for good times
    But just wait and see
    You'll come running back (I won't have to worry no more)
    You'll come running back (spend the rest of my life with you, baby)
    You'll come running back to me

    Go ahead, go ahead and light up the town
    And baby, do everything your heart desires
    Remember, I'll always be around
    And I know, I know
    Like I told you so many times before
    You're gonna come back, baby
    'Cause I know
    You're gonna come back knocking
    Yeah, knocking right on my door
    Yes, yes!

    Well, time is on my side, yes it is
    Time is on my side, yes it is

    'Cause I got the real love
    The kind that you need
    You'll come running back (said you would, baby)
    You'll come running back (I always said you would)
    You'll come running back, to me
    Yes time, time, time is on my side, yes it is
    Time, time, time is on my side, yes it is
    Oh, time, time, time is on my side, yes it is
    I said, time, time, time is on my side, yes it is
    Oh, time, time, time is on my side
    Yeah, time, time, time is on my side


    Courtesy of the Rolling Stones.....

    Hang in there brother...."Time Is On Your Side"...

    John
  • ditto1
    ditto1 Member Posts: 660
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    Skiffin16 said:

    Time...Is On My Side....
    Time is on my side, yes it is
    Time is on my side, yes it is

    Now you always say
    That you want to be free
    But you'll come running back (said you would baby)
    You'll come running back (I said so many times before)
    You'll come running back to me

    Oh, time is on my side, yes it is
    Time is on my side, yes it is

    You're searching for good times
    But just wait and see
    You'll come running back (I won't have to worry no more)
    You'll come running back (spend the rest of my life with you, baby)
    You'll come running back to me

    Go ahead, go ahead and light up the town
    And baby, do everything your heart desires
    Remember, I'll always be around
    And I know, I know
    Like I told you so many times before
    You're gonna come back, baby
    'Cause I know
    You're gonna come back knocking
    Yeah, knocking right on my door
    Yes, yes!

    Well, time is on my side, yes it is
    Time is on my side, yes it is

    'Cause I got the real love
    The kind that you need
    You'll come running back (said you would, baby)
    You'll come running back (I always said you would)
    You'll come running back, to me
    Yes time, time, time is on my side, yes it is
    Time, time, time is on my side, yes it is
    Oh, time, time, time is on my side, yes it is
    I said, time, time, time is on my side, yes it is
    Oh, time, time, time is on my side
    Yeah, time, time, time is on my side


    Courtesy of the Rolling Stones.....

    Hang in there brother...."Time Is On Your Side"...

    John

    Thanks Skiffin
    funny I just felt you might be a 1st responder. I made it through some of these tough times based on your responses and feed back to me and others going back to my 1st Is This Fight Worth it. I have learned that how I felt on a given day does not always repeat itself tommorrow. So yes I guess If I do not know where 56 years went then I assume 1 year if necessary will just fly bye. Thanks for the Lyrics.. to quote another Stones song, You cant always get what you want but if you try sometime you just might find you get what you need..... I sure I will
  • Grandmax4
    Grandmax4 Member Posts: 723
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    Any Time
    you're feeling lonely, any time you're feeling blue......we're always here to hear you and to offer comfort and nderstanding
  • ditto1
    ditto1 Member Posts: 660
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    Grandmax4 said:

    Any Time
    you're feeling lonely, any time you're feeling blue......we're always here to hear you and to offer comfort and nderstanding

    Thank you
    I guess thats why I let it out, for today. Hope tommorrow will be more upbeat and that is my plan.
  • phrannie51
    phrannie51 Member Posts: 4,716
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    Just a minute here, Mr. Ditto....
    It's one thing to be having a down day, but beating up on yourself, that's just not fair. I too feel ashamed when I can't seem to hold up to my personal status quo...I wonder...do we share an evil twin? :) Accept tho, that this is YOUR personal status quo, and there's not one of us out here who haven't stood in the exact spot you're standing today, shed tears, and wondered how long does this go on??!! We all hit limits along the way, and getting it out on here is the best way I can think of to help us forge on. I stood there yesterday...miserble and in pain...and my friend Kathe came to visit...I cried and said "I am so tired of getting up with cancer, going to bed with cancer, my entire social life is Dr. appointments...emergency and scheduled, my entire world is taken over and I'm sick of it"....I cried, she cried....and today I'm feeling better and feeling fitter for the fight.

    Don't sell yourself short....this ain't for sissies and pain makes it so much worse...you just hit a limit, time to unburden...cry the tears, speak the words and begin anew. Radiation time is hard time...even tho you're doing the same exact thing every day, things change fast...what didn't hurt yesterday, does hurt today...getting to that half way mark was a mental turnaround for me.

    Sending you and Mrs. Ditto big virtual hugs...you've bucked me up so many times on this bus ride...anything I can do for you just ask...

    p
  • boardwalkgirl
    boardwalkgirl Member Posts: 269
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    Hey, we all have our bad
    Hey, we all have our bad days and that is why we are here to support each other. Sending prayers your way that things get easier for you. I know I would not make it thru this without the support of a lot of people so vent away any time. You are not wasting my time, it just lets me know that I am not the only one going thru this.
  • Skiffin16
    Skiffin16 Member Posts: 8,305 Member
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    ditto1 said:

    Thanks Skiffin
    funny I just felt you might be a 1st responder. I made it through some of these tough times based on your responses and feed back to me and others going back to my 1st Is This Fight Worth it. I have learned that how I felt on a given day does not always repeat itself tommorrow. So yes I guess If I do not know where 56 years went then I assume 1 year if necessary will just fly bye. Thanks for the Lyrics.. to quote another Stones song, You cant always get what you want but if you try sometime you just might find you get what you need..... I sure I will

    Definitely Worth It...
    If you ever doubt that....., ask your better half.

    Then pick yourself back up off the floor and press on...

    Best,
    John
  • ditto1
    ditto1 Member Posts: 660
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    Just a minute here, Mr. Ditto....
    It's one thing to be having a down day, but beating up on yourself, that's just not fair. I too feel ashamed when I can't seem to hold up to my personal status quo...I wonder...do we share an evil twin? :) Accept tho, that this is YOUR personal status quo, and there's not one of us out here who haven't stood in the exact spot you're standing today, shed tears, and wondered how long does this go on??!! We all hit limits along the way, and getting it out on here is the best way I can think of to help us forge on. I stood there yesterday...miserble and in pain...and my friend Kathe came to visit...I cried and said "I am so tired of getting up with cancer, going to bed with cancer, my entire social life is Dr. appointments...emergency and scheduled, my entire world is taken over and I'm sick of it"....I cried, she cried....and today I'm feeling better and feeling fitter for the fight.

    Don't sell yourself short....this ain't for sissies and pain makes it so much worse...you just hit a limit, time to unburden...cry the tears, speak the words and begin anew. Radiation time is hard time...even tho you're doing the same exact thing every day, things change fast...what didn't hurt yesterday, does hurt today...getting to that half way mark was a mental turnaround for me.

    Sending you and Mrs. Ditto big virtual hugs...you've bucked me up so many times on this bus ride...anything I can do for you just ask...

    p

    Thanks I knew
    I could share with you folks. Nice to know we have a place to go.
  • osmotar
    osmotar Member Posts: 1,006
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    Ditto-ditto
    Whats that old song" It's my party and I'll cry if I want to"?????Cry, rant, rave, even throw something...it's your right , you never asked for any of this...but then take a deep breath , wipe the tears and dear ditto tomorrow is another day. I said something one day when my onco nurse was disconnecting my 5fu pump, I said gawd I couldn't wait another day to get theis undone...she said Linda, we all can do something for 1 more day. I know we are all different, adjust,tackle, and accept this beast differently, so 1 day or even a few days of being off the mark shouldn't wipe away your upbeat spirit. ....AND if the mask bothers you, tell the techs, I did several times thru my 39 days with them..thats what their there for...have them remove it and replace it on your face...when my mask didn't hit my left nostril just in the right spot I knew that the mask had to be adjusted and they gladly did.

    cyber hugs that it's all going to be ok.

    Linda
  • hwt
    hwt Member Posts: 2,328 Member
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    Hey, we all have our bad
    Hey, we all have our bad days and that is why we are here to support each other. Sending prayers your way that things get easier for you. I know I would not make it thru this without the support of a lot of people so vent away any time. You are not wasting my time, it just lets me know that I am not the only one going thru this.

    Been there!
    I think it would be unusual if we didn't have these feelings. We want to be strong for those we love but some days are just allot tougher than other days. I found that just as the nasty side effects can be here one day and then you've moved on to a different one the next day, so goes the emotional roller coaster from day to day. I've taken advantage of using this site as a sounding board on bad days and it does help. It's an extremely difficult journey but it does get better. My darkest days were during rad tx. I even cried a time or two as I laid on the table. There were times my husband did not think I would finish but by the grace of God, I did. Don't be alone with feelings of depression. Tomorrow will likely be a better day but if your feelings continue be sure to share with your doctor. Prayers sent your way.
  • CivilMatt
    CivilMatt Member Posts: 4,723 Member
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    feel better
    Hi ditto1,

    You are really having a lousy day. You studied all the brochures and thought you had the bus route all mapped out and then WHAM you own brain deals you a “think about reality punch”. It is funny how each of us cruises along (seemingly) under control and all of a sudden we are not. Don’t worry or dwell on feeling depressed, your brain will be somewhere else tomorrow.

    I was doing the look around house today and taking note of all the creams, oils and lotions I have for neck burn. Maybe I should put them away. Right now they are all piled up in the spare bathroom where I quit using them. There are things and indications all around the house that point to me being sick. It is depressing, all these reminders. I can not do away with the water bottle, Kleenex or smoothies, but I could tidy up a little.

    Being 56 years old is a blessing; you are right in the sweet spot of human intelligence and understanding. It is no wonder you shed tears for yourself and others, this reflects your capacity for caring as a human being. Did I mention I am 56 years old, also?

    I hope you have a better tomorrow, I know you will. Just remember what would Phrannie do or what would John say?

    Best,

    Matt
  • hwt
    hwt Member Posts: 2,328 Member
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    CivilMatt said:

    feel better
    Hi ditto1,

    You are really having a lousy day. You studied all the brochures and thought you had the bus route all mapped out and then WHAM you own brain deals you a “think about reality punch”. It is funny how each of us cruises along (seemingly) under control and all of a sudden we are not. Don’t worry or dwell on feeling depressed, your brain will be somewhere else tomorrow.

    I was doing the look around house today and taking note of all the creams, oils and lotions I have for neck burn. Maybe I should put them away. Right now they are all piled up in the spare bathroom where I quit using them. There are things and indications all around the house that point to me being sick. It is depressing, all these reminders. I can not do away with the water bottle, Kleenex or smoothies, but I could tidy up a little.

    Being 56 years old is a blessing; you are right in the sweet spot of human intelligence and understanding. It is no wonder you shed tears for yourself and others, this reflects your capacity for caring as a human being. Did I mention I am 56 years old, also?

    I hope you have a better tomorrow, I know you will. Just remember what would Phrannie do or what would John say?

    Best,

    Matt

    Agree with Matt, just last
    Agree with Matt, just last week my house was cleaned, old medicines, bandages, foot stool, iv stand, etc. removed and my living room put back to a "living room" rather than a sick room. Was a great pick-me-up.
  • CivilMatt
    CivilMatt Member Posts: 4,723 Member
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    CivilMatt said:

    feel better
    Hi ditto1,

    You are really having a lousy day. You studied all the brochures and thought you had the bus route all mapped out and then WHAM you own brain deals you a “think about reality punch”. It is funny how each of us cruises along (seemingly) under control and all of a sudden we are not. Don’t worry or dwell on feeling depressed, your brain will be somewhere else tomorrow.

    I was doing the look around house today and taking note of all the creams, oils and lotions I have for neck burn. Maybe I should put them away. Right now they are all piled up in the spare bathroom where I quit using them. There are things and indications all around the house that point to me being sick. It is depressing, all these reminders. I can not do away with the water bottle, Kleenex or smoothies, but I could tidy up a little.

    Being 56 years old is a blessing; you are right in the sweet spot of human intelligence and understanding. It is no wonder you shed tears for yourself and others, this reflects your capacity for caring as a human being. Did I mention I am 56 years old, also?

    I hope you have a better tomorrow, I know you will. Just remember what would Phrannie do or what would John say?

    Best,

    Matt

    I know this is silly, but I
    I know this is silly, but I want to be honest.

    I meant to put "almost " in front of 56, really. I guess I don't get the super smarts for another two months.

    Matt
  • hwt
    hwt Member Posts: 2,328 Member
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    CivilMatt said:

    I know this is silly, but I
    I know this is silly, but I want to be honest.

    I meant to put "almost " in front of 56, really. I guess I don't get the super smarts for another two months.

    Matt

    close enough
    56 is in my rear view mirror by 6 years
  • D Lewis
    D Lewis Member Posts: 1,581 Member
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    Dear Ditto1
    Vent away! That's why we are all here. I read, I sympathize, I've been there, I made it to the light at the end of the tunnel and it really was the end of the tunnel. It wasn't an on-coming train. You can do this.

    It will be a LOT easier for you to do this, if you vent to us when you need to. We are all here for you.

    Deb
  • Ingrid K
    Ingrid K Member Posts: 813
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    D Lewis said:

    Dear Ditto1
    Vent away! That's why we are all here. I read, I sympathize, I've been there, I made it to the light at the end of the tunnel and it really was the end of the tunnel. It wasn't an on-coming train. You can do this.

    It will be a LOT easier for you to do this, if you vent to us when you need to. We are all here for you.

    Deb

    Dear Ditto
    as others have

    Dear Ditto
    as others have said, this is the place where you can say whatever you want. We have been there and know all too well of what you speak. Anyone who as gone thru this horrific treatment and say they didn't have a time were they lost it....well, they are lying. It happens to all of us at some point. Don't try and be a martyr -- let it out... It helps to scream and throw things.

    You are doing great in that you've come this far. This is a tough journey, but once you get thru all the treatments, it will all be worth it. You will have slayed the dragon and won !

    I was 55 going on 56 when I went thru treatment and I made it thru. You can do it too !

    Skiff: nice Stones' tribute on their 50th anniversary (Man, when did I get old ??)
  • katenorwood
    katenorwood Member Posts: 1,912
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    Tired of being tired
    Ditto 1,
    I agree with all of the above. Cancer can only take away what we allow it to, and there are days we need to scream and let the tears flow. I am so pained when I hear other survivors going through this. I am moved that we can share our most inner feelings on this board and not be judged as weak. We are just human, and need to know it's ok to let all of it go when we need to. Warmest thoughts go out to you Ditto 1, and an enormous hug ! Katie
  • Laralyn
    Laralyn Member Posts: 532
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    I have been there!
    And it was pretty recently. To be honest, part of me is still there now. After a while, it starts to wear on you, the schedule, the pain, the tiredness, the fact that your whole life changed so quickly. Don't feel guilty about how you feel. It's natural. Other people may have it worse than you do but that doesn't make your pain any less or any less meaningful to you, right now. I say this having felt the same way you do--ashamed to complain about what seemed like trivial issues compared to what others went through. But it's not trivial to you, and I learned that it's not trivial to anyone here.

    When I asked my radiation oncologist for an anti-depressant because I kept crying all the time, he leaned forward and said, "You are in the middle of the hardest thing you will ever do in your whole life. What you're feeling is normal--of course you feel that way." And I remember him telling me at the start that the treatment was the worst cancer treatment in terms of the patient, short of bone marrow transplant. What you're experiencing is major, a life-changing event with a side order of pain and suffering.

    But time does change things. It was just four weeks ago that I was too sick from nausea and vomiting to even get out of bed. I'm better now, and you will be better too once you get on the other side.

    So hang in there, Ditto. We're all here with you, and don't hesitate to come here when you have something to get off your chest.
  • phrannie51
    phrannie51 Member Posts: 4,716
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    Laralyn said:

    I have been there!
    And it was pretty recently. To be honest, part of me is still there now. After a while, it starts to wear on you, the schedule, the pain, the tiredness, the fact that your whole life changed so quickly. Don't feel guilty about how you feel. It's natural. Other people may have it worse than you do but that doesn't make your pain any less or any less meaningful to you, right now. I say this having felt the same way you do--ashamed to complain about what seemed like trivial issues compared to what others went through. But it's not trivial to you, and I learned that it's not trivial to anyone here.

    When I asked my radiation oncologist for an anti-depressant because I kept crying all the time, he leaned forward and said, "You are in the middle of the hardest thing you will ever do in your whole life. What you're feeling is normal--of course you feel that way." And I remember him telling me at the start that the treatment was the worst cancer treatment in terms of the patient, short of bone marrow transplant. What you're experiencing is major, a life-changing event with a side order of pain and suffering.

    But time does change things. It was just four weeks ago that I was too sick from nausea and vomiting to even get out of bed. I'm better now, and you will be better too once you get on the other side.

    So hang in there, Ditto. We're all here with you, and don't hesitate to come here when you have something to get off your chest.

    So well said, Laralyn....
    thank you for bucking me up, too...

    p
  • Tim6003
    Tim6003 Member Posts: 1,514 Member
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    Laralyn said:

    I have been there!
    And it was pretty recently. To be honest, part of me is still there now. After a while, it starts to wear on you, the schedule, the pain, the tiredness, the fact that your whole life changed so quickly. Don't feel guilty about how you feel. It's natural. Other people may have it worse than you do but that doesn't make your pain any less or any less meaningful to you, right now. I say this having felt the same way you do--ashamed to complain about what seemed like trivial issues compared to what others went through. But it's not trivial to you, and I learned that it's not trivial to anyone here.

    When I asked my radiation oncologist for an anti-depressant because I kept crying all the time, he leaned forward and said, "You are in the middle of the hardest thing you will ever do in your whole life. What you're feeling is normal--of course you feel that way." And I remember him telling me at the start that the treatment was the worst cancer treatment in terms of the patient, short of bone marrow transplant. What you're experiencing is major, a life-changing event with a side order of pain and suffering.

    But time does change things. It was just four weeks ago that I was too sick from nausea and vomiting to even get out of bed. I'm better now, and you will be better too once you get on the other side.

    So hang in there, Ditto. We're all here with you, and don't hesitate to come here when you have something to get off your chest.

    Ditto ...
    Everything you shared is perfectly normal. You had the courage to share how you felt, and that is going to help someone who needs to let it out.

    When I got the call on a Friday night from my primary doctor at 6pm (she was calling me about the results of the scan that same day) ...I told her "if your calling at 6pm on Friday, this is not going to be good" ...she agreed then told me about the mass at the base of my tongue and the mets to the lymph node. I had done some homework (as most konw by now I am really bad and wanting to read and know statistics) and when I self-determined I must be at least stage III (unless by some miracle it was not cancer) and all I had read I would have to go through ...I had a good cry that night.

    I did not tell my wife for 5 days. Not until the night before we were to see the ENT did I tell her. Having lost my brother (1 year older than me, he was 49) to a brain tumor less than 12 months before, and having lost my Dad to acute Leukemia just 9 months before, I just did not know how to tell her. There was a pumpking festival we always attended that same weekend and I just did not want that cloud over my families head.

    Two days before we were to see my ENT and 2 days before I told my wife, my 8 year old son "West" asked me a question out of the blue right as I was sending him off to bed. You konw what that question was? He asked me "Dad, how old will I be when you die?" I swear Ditto it took all I had NOT to bawl like a baby. I just stared at him and said, "West, why did you ask me that question?!!" ....I told him what any Dad would, I told him none of us are guaranteed how long we will live. I could die in a car accident tomorrow, die of a heart attack in few years and to be honest I don't know how old he will be when I die". He looked at me and said "I hope I am a million years old when you die"!!! Then he ran off to bed...I went in the bathroom..turned the shower on (as if I were taking one) and cried like a baby....

    So now. I shared ONE of my down times and there were plenty!! And I will be honest and say it is hard as a guy to share that stuff (for me anyway) :) So you just hang in there Ditto...share away when you are down ....the bottom line is we care and you are on my nightly prayer list!!! I try very hard to say my prayers EVERY NIGHT (really) and rarely miss them bc I have so many dear friends on here I care about and I want the best for them.

    Whispered an extra one tonight that the pain and side affects of the tx will ease up and you will feel better!!!

    Best,

    Tim

    On a funny note: My oldest son Kohle (11) one night decided to he wanted to join me for my nightly prayers...the other night I asked if he wanted to join again and he steered away saying ..."too sleepy dad, your prayers take to long" ...LOL (only 20 minutes..but you know to an 11 year old that 20 hours) :):):)