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deb824

Hi, My name is Debby and it is my boyfriend who has rectal cancer. I do not know what stage, as he is not too forthcoming with information. He lives with his widowed Mom about 20 minutes from me. He had a mass removed from his rectum along with his rectum,in Feb. There was no spread anywhere but they did radiation before surgery and oral chemo to shrink the tumor, which it did. After the surgery he did 4 iv chemo treatments 3 weeks apart along with oral chemo pills. When that was done he had a reversal of his temporary colostomy. That was about 2 weeks ago. It went well however doc said there were a lot of adhesions and it was a more difficult surgery than anticipated. So now he is home recovering. Random biopsy's done during surgery were all negative. All good news.....except he doesn't feel good, and hasn't since his first surgery in Feb. His stomach always hurts. But he is active, rides a bike, walks, does yard work. He can't work because he job is physical. He is going crazy because he doesnt like to sit still. My question is will he ever feel good again? I know it takes time, but he is so negative even with all the good news about his cancer. No spread.....He doesn't talk much so it is hard to get into his head. But I would love to hear from people who have gone thru these surgeries and are feeling good now. How long will it take? I know everyone is different, but some times I feel like I will never get my old boyfriend back!! By the way he is 56. Thanks.

steved

It is a long journey
I had an initial similar presentation with rectal cancer treated in an almost identical way with similar op and temporary stoma. There are many different stages to this journey and a thousand ways to travel it but one invariable is that for all of us is it is long. The first stage that he has been through involves doing a lot of things to fight the cancer- lots of treatments and operations. It is a huge insult on the body but it also feels like you are fighting it actively. For myself I actually found the phase your boy friend has moved into one of the hardest- you have stopped all the active treatment part, still don't feel great but also don't feel like you are actively fighting it any more. IT is now a long anxious wait to see what happens next and that is hard in itself, physically and mentally. That is a hard thing to tolerate if he a practical bloke who likes to 'sort' things out and get on with life.

Physically it took a long time for my guts to come anywhere near normal (forgotten what normal was really as for many of us it is a moatter of adjusting to a 'new normal'). To be honest I took 5 years to be fully off loperamide to slow the bowels. However, those five yers were full of active life. I didn't get back to work till about 4-5 months postop and I don't do a physical job. I had intermittent bowel problems- cramps and bouts of diarrhoea- that slowly reduced over that time.

Give it time. Also give him space. He sounds like a bloke who isn't into talking about it all so will sit and internalise his worries. You won't change that now he is 56 so you won't get him to talk any more than has. But knowing you are there will help him. There is a lot of support (here and on other sites and services) for carers of people with cancer that may help you, help him more effectively.

Patience and quiet support for him and yourself seems the best way forward. It is a long journey.

steve

deb824

steved said:

It is a long journey
I had an initial similar presentation with rectal cancer treated in an almost identical way with similar op and temporary stoma. There are many different stages to this journey and a thousand ways to travel it but one invariable is that for all of us is it is long. The first stage that he has been through involves doing a lot of things to fight the cancer- lots of treatments and operations. It is a huge insult on the body but it also feels like you are fighting it actively. For myself I actually found the phase your boy friend has moved into one of the hardest- you have stopped all the active treatment part, still don't feel great but also don't feel like you are actively fighting it any more. IT is now a long anxious wait to see what happens next and that is hard in itself, physically and mentally. That is a hard thing to tolerate if he a practical bloke who likes to 'sort' things out and get on with life.

Physically it took a long time for my guts to come anywhere near normal (forgotten what normal was really as for many of us it is a moatter of adjusting to a 'new normal'). To be honest I took 5 years to be fully off loperamide to slow the bowels. However, those five yers were full of active life. I didn't get back to work till about 4-5 months postop and I don't do a physical job. I had intermittent bowel problems- cramps and bouts of diarrhoea- that slowly reduced over that time.

Give it time. Also give him space. He sounds like a bloke who isn't into talking about it all so will sit and internalise his worries. You won't change that now he is 56 so you won't get him to talk any more than has. But knowing you are there will help him. There is a lot of support (here and on other sites and services) for carers of people with cancer that may help you, help him more effectively.

Patience and quiet support for him and yourself seems the best way forward. It is a long journey.

steve

Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your reply Steve. Sometimes it's just so hard to be the "one" who is not sick. I don't know what he is thinking and feeling or what to do for him sometimes. I try to deal with him with humor which seems to work!! Thank you for your insight, I wish you well.

danker

deb824
He is a young man. I was 78 when dxed. After a year beyond resection had a NED colonoscopy. Now another year later still NED enjoying normal life. We al want to be over it and feel good right now!!! But it will come, just be patient.

Annabelle41415

Surgery
Surgery can take so much out of you. Sounds like he is doing well. Give him time and don't expect much of him for the first year. You can walk, exercise when you can but don't have him push it. Ask all the questions you need. Welcome to the boards.

Kim

Kathryn_in_MN

Surgery, radiation and chemo
He needs to be patient and go easy on himself, and so do you. Don't take this wrong - but you probably won't "get my old boyfriend back." Cancer (as well as other big life events) change people permanently.

Surgery, radiation and chemo are all very hard on a body. Think about how women are told to give themselves 9 months to return to pre-pregnancy stages, since it takes 9 months for pregnancy to get to birth. That is a natural, normal process. Now take an unnatural process like surgery, radiation and pumping a body full of toxic chemicals... You have to give a body a LOT of time to return to a condition "close" to before. Don't expect to return to the same as before, but to a "new normal." This goes for emotionally and spiritually too - not just physically.

golf_gal

Kathryn_in_MN said:

Surgery, radiation and chemo
He needs to be patient and go easy on himself, and so do you. Don't take this wrong - but you probably won't "get my old boyfriend back." Cancer (as well as other big life events) change people permanently.

Surgery, radiation and chemo are all very hard on a body. Think about how women are told to give themselves 9 months to return to pre-pregnancy stages, since it takes 9 months for pregnancy to get to birth. That is a natural, normal process. Now take an unnatural process like surgery, radiation and pumping a body full of toxic chemicals... You have to give a body a LOT of time to return to a condition "close" to before. Don't expect to return to the same as before, but to a "new normal." This goes for emotionally and spiritually too - not just physically.

it takes time.
Ditto on previous post.