socializing again
Comments
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Tell her that cancer is not a picnic
Chemo drugs are not vitamins, radiation burns are not from staying on the beach and scars are not from cosmetic surgeries. Add PTSD to all of the above and you your answer why.
Hugs to you0 -
Honesty...New Flower said:Tell her that cancer is not a picnic
Chemo drugs are not vitamins, radiation burns are not from staying on the beach and scars are not from cosmetic surgeries. Add PTSD to all of the above and you your answer why.
Hugs to you
Personally, I would sit your DIL down and explain it all to her.....help her understand what you've been through and are going through, both physically and emotionally....she has no clue and understandably so....she's not walking in your shoes..!!! People tend to think once you've finished all treatment you should just automatically be back to "normal"...doesn't happen like that, as we all know...try explaining it to her and any else who wonders why your not up to your "old self"....sadly, the old self no longer exists...as they say, you have to find your "new normal"....and it does take time..don't be hard on yourself...regardless of what people say, go at your own pace...only you know how you feel..
My husband and I were always big into entertaining...having people to dinner, BBQ's in the summer.....no more...I stopped 3 years ago with my first diagnosis....they went on socializing with others...I didn't care and still don't...lol. My husband and I do only what we want...our grown kids visit often with the grands, and we love it! They always ask what kind of day I'm having, before they come....I'm honest this go round, they know the week following chemo, I'm not at my best....
Wishing you well, be kind to your self....you deserve it!
Hugs, Nancy0 -
I am not sure how to do it either.
I face this same attitude almost every day. They want a recovery, and I don't know what to say except put on the same old-same-old recording: "I'm tired...I don't feel up to eating out at a restaurant tonight...I don't feel up to company...I'm too tired to come over"....yada yada yada. Some have already filtered away from me. Others keep asking me to let them know when I do feel better so we can visit. They don't understand if I feel better for that hour the very next hour I don't. So I explain it to them over and over again.
On the daughter in law's desire to bond I think that is beautiful! You should tell her so! Just tell her physically you are poop, but as soon as possible you will be the mommy she is looking for. These young girls need us when they have a baby and that is probably why she feels so lost without you. We grammas are needed! I hope that she will really be understanding for your sake.
Hugs from one gram to another,
Rebecca0 -
One day at a time
I am also tired of being the brave one...I'm doing this to live a full life...I'm ok today...well most of the time it is true, but much of the time there is a down deep feeling of dread.
If I say I'm ok then my 87 year old mother wants we to run errands, shop, pick up dinner or something for her.
When I went back to work I found that people trying to cover my areas changed everything around to suit them. When I asked why the owner said they could not find things and they liked it better. Now I cannot find anything and if I say something then I'm negative. Owner even wrote me a letter stating she wants me there but only if I can be positive. If she feels I'm not positive then she will asks me to go home to think about my attitude. I could not believe this after 6 years of working 10 to 12 hours daily for 5 days a week. I need the small amount of dollars, I need the distraction of work, but I do not need her attitude. I'm trying to decide what to do.
Sorry, I needed to vent also. Who can plan fun things when from hour to hour, day to day we just do not know how we will be doing. Keep the faith and be strong, we are all here with you!0 -
Perhaps...Ann65 said:One day at a time
I am also tired of being the brave one...I'm doing this to live a full life...I'm ok today...well most of the time it is true, but much of the time there is a down deep feeling of dread.
If I say I'm ok then my 87 year old mother wants we to run errands, shop, pick up dinner or something for her.
When I went back to work I found that people trying to cover my areas changed everything around to suit them. When I asked why the owner said they could not find things and they liked it better. Now I cannot find anything and if I say something then I'm negative. Owner even wrote me a letter stating she wants me there but only if I can be positive. If she feels I'm not positive then she will asks me to go home to think about my attitude. I could not believe this after 6 years of working 10 to 12 hours daily for 5 days a week. I need the small amount of dollars, I need the distraction of work, but I do not need her attitude. I'm trying to decide what to do.
Sorry, I needed to vent also. Who can plan fun things when from hour to hour, day to day we just do not know how we will be doing. Keep the faith and be strong, we are all here with you!
Perhaps, it's your boss who needs HER attitude adjusted!!!!!! What a b&€£h!!!! People never cease to amaze me!!! She has no clue what you've been through , physically or emotionally...would it be possible to have a private sit down with her to try and enlighten her? Or if you don't want to get that personal, let it go.....those who haven't walked in our shoes are clueless.....of course they may not be lucky in the future...
Wishing you better days...
Hugs, Nancy0 -
Ann: I'm with Nancy on the boss issue!MAJW said:Perhaps...
Perhaps, it's your boss who needs HER attitude adjusted!!!!!! What a b&€£h!!!! People never cease to amaze me!!! She has no clue what you've been through , physically or emotionally...would it be possible to have a private sit down with her to try and enlighten her? Or if you don't want to get that personal, let it go.....those who haven't walked in our shoes are clueless.....of course they may not be lucky in the future...
Wishing you better days...
Hugs, Nancy
That is really a slap in the face. To come back and have everything changed around would also send me off the deep end. I would not be "positive" but "positively enraged". But, if you can't quit you are going to need to disengage these emotions and sit back and let them run the show. It might be a blessing in disguise. I am sorry that you have to go through this with your job, and understand what you mean about watching how quickly you say you are "fine" with older relatives.
I am stuck in a recording of "I feel sick" but I like that T-shirt that is sold to chemo patients, "LIKE A TRAIN WRECK! BUT THANKS FOR ASKING!"0 -
Oh...yes!rallendorfer said:Ann: I'm with Nancy on the boss issue!
That is really a slap in the face. To come back and have everything changed around would also send me off the deep end. I would not be "positive" but "positively enraged". But, if you can't quit you are going to need to disengage these emotions and sit back and let them run the show. It might be a blessing in disguise. I am sorry that you have to go through this with your job, and understand what you mean about watching how quickly you say you are "fine" with older relatives.
I am stuck in a recording of "I feel sick" but I like that T-shirt that is sold to chemo patients, "LIKE A TRAIN WRECK! BUT THANKS FOR ASKING!"
I'd love to get my hands on one of those t-shirts! !!!!!!
Hugs, Nancy0 -
Huge rant on this subject...
But not sure if this is the place for it. Everyone here is so positive, and my rant includes me saying bad things about family, husband, co-workers...uh, yeah, I think that about covers it. The biggest chunk of the rant is about dear hubby.
My kids know some of my rant issues, but not all. I can't really think of anyone to share it with except my therapist (in case anyone is wondering, yes, you CAN get PTSD from cancer. You can, with a little research, semi-diagnose yourself. And then you DO go to a therapist).
What I have to say only fellow warriors may understand. However, since there are so many here whose hubbys are fab....don't want to be a debbie downer.
What say ye all?0 -
I say...We'll understand...I promisebluwillo said:Huge rant on this subject...
But not sure if this is the place for it. Everyone here is so positive, and my rant includes me saying bad things about family, husband, co-workers...uh, yeah, I think that about covers it. The biggest chunk of the rant is about dear hubby.
My kids know some of my rant issues, but not all. I can't really think of anyone to share it with except my therapist (in case anyone is wondering, yes, you CAN get PTSD from cancer. You can, with a little research, semi-diagnose yourself. And then you DO go to a therapist).
What I have to say only fellow warriors may understand. However, since there are so many here whose hubbys are fab....don't want to be a debbie downer.
What say ye all?
I say, "rant away!". You're in a safe place...Let t it rip! It feels good to vent to women who understand.....Some have great husbands and supportive families, some suck! So please don't let anything stop you for expessing yourself here....
Let it rip!
Hugs, Nancy0 -
OK, in the immortal words of the Dixie Chicks...Let 'er Rip!MAJW said:I say...We'll understand...I promise
I say, "rant away!". You're in a safe place...Let t it rip! It feels good to vent to women who understand.....Some have great husbands and supportive families, some suck! So please don't let anything stop you for expessing yourself here....
Let it rip!
Hugs, Nancy
How is it that I was the one who got cancer and hubby got all the sympathy? He somehow managed to make it all about him...how well he was taking care of me (my sis did most of the heavy lifting), how worried he was about me...basically, anytime anyone asked how I was doing, he told them how HE was doing!
Before the Beast caught me, I'd decided to go back to school and get my bachelor's degree. He was not in favor...until I told him I'd finish school, get a good job, and then he could take it a little easier on his own job. He has his own business, with a good client base.
Ooops, should have started this with hubby is diagnosed with clinical depression, has been battling it for over 10 years. I WAS THE ONE WHO KEPT THE TRAINS RUNNING ON TIME! I devoted my life to making sure he didn't get upset.
Even when I was diagnosed and doing treatments, I tried to rock his world as little as possible. I drove to every chemo and neulasta shot, crying all the way, rock music turned up as loud as it could be. That was the only time I cried. He never knew.
So, (sorry, my timeline keeps jumping around) I get diagnosed while I'm still in college. I immediatley think "Well, better stop the school. Hmmm...maybe not, it will be a great diversion" (I was right on that one). Hubby says "well you can't stop now, you have to finish and get your degree and get that great job with the great benefits" OK, I got that slap in the face. It was not about cancer or college, it was about ME GETTING A JOB SO HE COULD SLACK OFF!
I finished school at the beginning of April 2010, finished rads at the end of that april, and he said "when you gonna start sending out your resume?" So I did (really, I'm not as stupid as I sound...really!) At the end of May, I was offered a job. They said it was "busy". At this point, I was still taking 2 naps a day and sleeping 10 hours at night. You rad grads know how I felt.
So, off to work I go. I have chemo brain, I'm exhausted. He's really happy, great bennies, the house payment gets made...and I am miserable. The building I work in is full of "mean girls" who are mad that I got the job a lot of them applied for. So I have to put up with oh so much ****...I am a biotch by nature..do not get in my face, respect me or you will pay kinda gal. I'm also nice and funny and very empethetic. (can't spell worth a damn, however).
So, I'm miserable at work. It's way faster than they said it would be, they didn't train me, hell, there are parts of my job that they don't even know I do! So, I'm thinking "this was a mistake. I'm not ready yet". Complain to hubby. he says "Wait a minute. the deal was, you went to school, you get the job, and I retire".
Maybe I'm really picky, but I sorta think the whole "getting cancer" thing kinda voids any oral agreements. I said nothing. Everytime I **** or cry about my job, he says "Well, start applying other places."
I guess he thinks it's normal that I come home from work, put my pjs on and sit for 3 whole hours, until it's time to go to bed. he does make dinner, but that's it for housework. The frosting on this **** cake is that today, I spent 2 hours out weeding the flower beds that I planted 2 weeks ago....just so our yard doesn't look like no one lives here. That used to be his thing, we had a beautiful yard, flowers all over the place. Not now. Now I guess gardening is my chore also.
so, what's my problem, you say? Well, let's start with what he does while I'm at work. Every now and then he has a service call..he goes. But mostly, he sleeps! that dude must get at least 18 hours of sleep a day!!!! Now, I know that's a symtom of his depression. But ya know what??? I'm tired of carrying his water while I'm exhausted. If quality of life equals what you are able to do (or feel like doing) after work, then I have no quality of life. Almost all my energy goes into my darn job.
I was supposed to go to one grandson's baseball game. we have two grandsons who play on seperate teams, so we split up and take turns going to each one of the games. I thought the game was at 6....turns out it was at 730. I called my kids, they were very understanding and said of course, we know you're tired. Go to bed!" Well, hubster had an absolute fit!! "You were "too tired"??? come on, what kind of excuse is that?" I was silent. I am silent a lot these days.
I do love him. But, his constant need to make my disease all about him, his lack support, and most importantly of all, his "couch time" is really really really cheesing me off.
I better stop now...I know some of you are wearing wigs and are wondering how wig hair can stand on end! "OMG, how stupid is this chick? How in the hell could she go to college? What's her degree in...welcomematitis?" Actually, my degree is in family life education. It was enough of an education to let me realize that I was exhibiting signs of PTSD and get therapy...but that was only for work. I didn't share all this with my therapist. I mean, how crappy is it to complain about one's husband?
Thanks for listening. Any advice would be appreciated. I'm thinkin', like the Dixie Chicks, it may be time for some "wide-open spaces"!0 -
i have found people have nobluwillo said:OK, in the immortal words of the Dixie Chicks...Let 'er Rip!
How is it that I was the one who got cancer and hubby got all the sympathy? He somehow managed to make it all about him...how well he was taking care of me (my sis did most of the heavy lifting), how worried he was about me...basically, anytime anyone asked how I was doing, he told them how HE was doing!
Before the Beast caught me, I'd decided to go back to school and get my bachelor's degree. He was not in favor...until I told him I'd finish school, get a good job, and then he could take it a little easier on his own job. He has his own business, with a good client base.
Ooops, should have started this with hubby is diagnosed with clinical depression, has been battling it for over 10 years. I WAS THE ONE WHO KEPT THE TRAINS RUNNING ON TIME! I devoted my life to making sure he didn't get upset.
Even when I was diagnosed and doing treatments, I tried to rock his world as little as possible. I drove to every chemo and neulasta shot, crying all the way, rock music turned up as loud as it could be. That was the only time I cried. He never knew.
So, (sorry, my timeline keeps jumping around) I get diagnosed while I'm still in college. I immediatley think "Well, better stop the school. Hmmm...maybe not, it will be a great diversion" (I was right on that one). Hubby says "well you can't stop now, you have to finish and get your degree and get that great job with the great benefits" OK, I got that slap in the face. It was not about cancer or college, it was about ME GETTING A JOB SO HE COULD SLACK OFF!
I finished school at the beginning of April 2010, finished rads at the end of that april, and he said "when you gonna start sending out your resume?" So I did (really, I'm not as stupid as I sound...really!) At the end of May, I was offered a job. They said it was "busy". At this point, I was still taking 2 naps a day and sleeping 10 hours at night. You rad grads know how I felt.
So, off to work I go. I have chemo brain, I'm exhausted. He's really happy, great bennies, the house payment gets made...and I am miserable. The building I work in is full of "mean girls" who are mad that I got the job a lot of them applied for. So I have to put up with oh so much ****...I am a biotch by nature..do not get in my face, respect me or you will pay kinda gal. I'm also nice and funny and very empethetic. (can't spell worth a damn, however).
So, I'm miserable at work. It's way faster than they said it would be, they didn't train me, hell, there are parts of my job that they don't even know I do! So, I'm thinking "this was a mistake. I'm not ready yet". Complain to hubby. he says "Wait a minute. the deal was, you went to school, you get the job, and I retire".
Maybe I'm really picky, but I sorta think the whole "getting cancer" thing kinda voids any oral agreements. I said nothing. Everytime I **** or cry about my job, he says "Well, start applying other places."
I guess he thinks it's normal that I come home from work, put my pjs on and sit for 3 whole hours, until it's time to go to bed. he does make dinner, but that's it for housework. The frosting on this **** cake is that today, I spent 2 hours out weeding the flower beds that I planted 2 weeks ago....just so our yard doesn't look like no one lives here. That used to be his thing, we had a beautiful yard, flowers all over the place. Not now. Now I guess gardening is my chore also.
so, what's my problem, you say? Well, let's start with what he does while I'm at work. Every now and then he has a service call..he goes. But mostly, he sleeps! that dude must get at least 18 hours of sleep a day!!!! Now, I know that's a symtom of his depression. But ya know what??? I'm tired of carrying his water while I'm exhausted. If quality of life equals what you are able to do (or feel like doing) after work, then I have no quality of life. Almost all my energy goes into my darn job.
I was supposed to go to one grandson's baseball game. we have two grandsons who play on seperate teams, so we split up and take turns going to each one of the games. I thought the game was at 6....turns out it was at 730. I called my kids, they were very understanding and said of course, we know you're tired. Go to bed!" Well, hubster had an absolute fit!! "You were "too tired"??? come on, what kind of excuse is that?" I was silent. I am silent a lot these days.
I do love him. But, his constant need to make my disease all about him, his lack support, and most importantly of all, his "couch time" is really really really cheesing me off.
I better stop now...I know some of you are wearing wigs and are wondering how wig hair can stand on end! "OMG, how stupid is this chick? How in the hell could she go to college? What's her degree in...welcomematitis?" Actually, my degree is in family life education. It was enough of an education to let me realize that I was exhibiting signs of PTSD and get therapy...but that was only for work. I didn't share all this with my therapist. I mean, how crappy is it to complain about one's husband?
Thanks for listening. Any advice would be appreciated. I'm thinkin', like the Dixie Chicks, it may be time for some "wide-open spaces"!
i have found people have no time line, and people dont care what you have been through. people were pretty brutal when I went back to work. I am a nurse.
Bluwillo kick his butt to the curb what a jerk! sorry but I was so angry reading your post. I was recalling the fatigue and although it gets better. it is tough. The only way I could describe it was to say my cells didnt work. I still get very tired and have to compensate for it and say "no thats not going to work for me" people dont like it when you change. Oh well.
Anyway, you are on your timeframe but dont expect anyone but us pinks to really get it. I wish if they didnt get it they would at least accept it.0 -
Drag his...carkris said:i have found people have no
i have found people have no time line, and people dont care what you have been through. people were pretty brutal when I went back to work. I am a nurse.
Bluwillo kick his butt to the curb what a jerk! sorry but I was so angry reading your post. I was recalling the fatigue and although it gets better. it is tough. The only way I could describe it was to say my cells didnt work. I still get very tired and have to compensate for it and say "no thats not going to work for me" people dont like it when you change. Oh well.
Anyway, you are on your timeframe but dont expect anyone but us pinks to really get it. I wish if they didnt get it they would at least accept it.
Drag his sorry **** to your oncologist and let HIM explain EXACTLY, man to man, what you have been through and are going through..give the onc a heads up! his depression is no excuse for his actions.....be honest with him..lay it on the line...sounds like he needs a wake up call, the sooner the better!
Glad you are comfortable venting here...it's a safe place..vent, as needed!
Wishing you better days
Hugs, Nancy0 -
Thanks! I actually feel MUCH better!MAJW said:Drag his...
Drag his sorry **** to your oncologist and let HIM explain EXACTLY, man to man, what you have been through and are going through..give the onc a heads up! his depression is no excuse for his actions.....be honest with him..lay it on the line...sounds like he needs a wake up call, the sooner the better!
Glad you are comfortable venting here...it's a safe place..vent, as needed!
Wishing you better days
Hugs, Nancy
Whew, it helped to get that off my chest (or what's left of it, LOL!)
I did take him to one oncdoc apt. The first thing he said to doc was "didn't you say the hormone treatments would make her moody?" Oh, dude, it was SO on! I did call the doc's office the next day to apologize.
We went thru a spell like this last year...and this year, I'm just not up for it. Like I said, I love him...but I can't help thinking that if I got a second chance at life, the life shouldn't suck.
Thanks for all your support! You've no idea how good it feels to have finally said all that horrible stuff to someone. I realize this is my life, my choices, my responsibility. But sometimes, ya just gotta whine, ya know? Thanks for letting me whine!0
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