My marriage is falling apart

Noellesmom

I hear you

If you are staying with him only because you are worried what others may think, that is not good enough.

Is he able to support himself? Can you support yourself?   

JerzyGrrl

If he threatens...

nOKn, if he threatens to divorce you when you argue, I suspect that his threatening to take his own life is - like the other threats - manipulation (and emotional blackmail) to control you. Accusing you of cheating or other wrong-doing also makes it look though you're the one with issues, not him. If you're not sure about this, should he tell you he's going to take his life, dial 911 or whatever the direct line is for emergency services and report it to professionals. A danger to himself or others = an emergency and should be treated as such. Having the support of a counselor (along with friends and family, if possible) when you decide to do this will be a big help, too. 

As for him not wanting to go to counseling with you, fine. I hope by now you're going to counseling by yourself because that can be very helpful and very healthy for you. 

Mayur

Help me out here

I am from India. I got married 2 years ago.

I now have a daughter after 2 years. I got diagnosed

With kidney cancer. I git my kidney removed. 

I wish i knew before planning a child.. i wish i knew before marriage. I dont want to ruin life of my wife.. i want to divorce her and set her free so she is not stuck with me and my struggle. Its spreading and chemo dosnt work in my case. I am on pills that controls the growth but eventually it will end me. I am really optimestic. I just wish she live happy. I want her to meet someone and start a new life. I will help her to do so.. the only thing is i dont know how to tell her this or my family.

ClaCla

Mayur

So very sorry for your struggles.  I'm in the diagnostic stages of possible lung cancer, so I don't have much personal experience of being the sick one.  But a few years ago, my mother died after a year-long battle with Multiple Myeloma; and I know first hand the really deep discussions families have at these times.  I live in the U.S. where the cultural stigma and financial necessities may be different.  But here it is not acceptable nor wise to start looking for a new mate, while the current one is still alive.  The widow or widower is felt to need time to grieve afterward, before they can make any rational decisions about their lives.  Is it considered acceptable and necessary for survival in India?  Pray for Guidance; speak to your family from your heart; then listen carefully.  God bless you and your family.

ClaCla

P.S. to Mayur

P.S.  You might get some really good viewpoints if you post your question in the "caregivers" group on this website.  I've been married for over 40 years, so have a different perspective than someone like you might have with a new marriage and very young child.  But if my husband were dying, I would want to spend every possible moment with him and be there to help him through it.

JerzyGrrl

Mayur said:

Help me out here

I am from India. I got married 2 years ago.

I now have a daughter after 2 years. I got diagnosed

With kidney cancer. I git my kidney removed. 

I wish i knew before planning a child.. i wish i knew before marriage. I dont want to ruin life of my wife.. i want to divorce her and set her free so she is not stuck with me and my struggle. Its spreading and chemo dosnt work in my case. I am on pills that controls the growth but eventually it will end me. I am really optimestic. I just wish she live happy. I want her to meet someone and start a new life. I will help her to do so.. the only thing is i dont know how to tell her this or my family.

Mayur

I don't know what it's like in your culture for a young woman with a baby who's divorced. I don't know what it's like in your family (or hers) for a young woman with a baby who's divorced. I don't know about your religion or her religion or the major religion where you live regarding a young woman with a baby who's divorced. Even without that knowledge, somehow "happy" and "set free" aren't words I would associate with having a baby and my husband suing me for divorce. 

Now, add to that the husband having RCC (renal cell carcinoma)... I'm still not seeing "happy" and "set free." 

Where is your wife in all of this? You haven't told her yet, your post says. You think she'll agree that this is doing her a favor? Also, does she take care of the baby all by herself? Are the people / family who support her as a young mother and wife going to continue to support her during and after the divorce proceedings. 

Yes, I'm a woman. But I see your question from the standpoint of a grandmother, because your wife is probably the age of my granddaughter (and you would probably be the age of my grandson or son). So, if I were in your family, you'd have to do some mighty fancy talking to convince me that this was a wise thing to do.

Also, I've had RCC. Before that, I was a caregiver for some of my family members. Have you been to the kidney cancer specific forums? One of our long-time members reminds us that we aren't dying from cancer, we're living with it.