Hate to start my first post with a vent....
So needless to say I am on pins and needles with tomorrow. I have only told a few people (she doesn't want to say anything to any of her family yet) and other than my therapist have been met with "that sucks" and then who ever I am talking to moves on to what is going wrong in their lives. This is where I get pissed. I have only told 4 people, all of which I thought were good friends. One seems to only want to be a friend when I am helping her solve her stupid problems (which I know aren't stupid to her but considering what I/we are potentially looking at dealing with.. come on). This is so frustrating! I am not looking for sympathy, as nothing is definite yet. But the potential of what we could be facing for the summer or longer just has my mind numb. I find myself missing whole chapters in my book on cd on my way to work, I snap out of it and realize I am just staring at my computer at work... I am hoping for obviously the best but the realist in me just goes down that road. I start thinking about FMLA and me being the only one working and the list just goes on and on. Being gay, if something was to happen I have to worry about the house and figuring out if we need to start working on legal ways to make sure I get her "estate"... I should be thinking of our summer weekend camping trips right now... not this!
Thank you for letting me vent. I am just beside myself with numbness as I guess everyone is in the waiting stage. We have talked about it for brief moments... but I guess I just don't want her to know how worried I am. She is worried enough and I just feel like I don't need to add my worry to hers. She is at a place of more "we will deal with everything once we know what is going on". I have noticed a change in her, I know when she has been thinking about it. Her mood changes completely when I know she gets worried. And I know she is trying to be brave in front of me as well.... I am just frustrated. It does make me feel a little better working in a hospital that has some of the top cancer recovery rates. But the thought of taking that journey scares the hell out of me, so I can only imagine how my partner feels
I guess part of what really scares me is that she is very independent and doesn't like to be "taken care of". So I could see a few battles starting. I have always been the type of person that takes care of everyone else and could see getting burnt out very quick (as I never remember to watch out for number 1). I do know that I would fly my mom out for a bit to help me, so that is a small comfort in the back of my mind.Dawn
Comments
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Dear Dawn,
First of all if you don't get a lot of responses to your post right away, this site seems to be having issues and some people are having problems logging in. After trying for 5 minutes I finally got far enough to your thread to reach out to you.
You will find you've come to the right place if you are looking for moral and emotional support. We have a diverse group of women and men here that are the most loving on this planet. I am sorry you had to research out this group but also thankful you did find us on your partners behalf. I really think some people in the real world (we will call them this) don't know how to address or reach out to someone whom may have a cancer diagnosis. All I can say is don't give up on them just yet, you may be surprised later on.
Next I would like to say ... just breathe. Relax a little and don't jump to so many conclusions. The mind can be very negative when you are in the waiting period. From someone who's walked the path over a year ago I know exactly the emotions you two are going through. Everybody's lumps are so different, maybe her's could be benign. Let the tests figure that all out. Just be there to comfort her and let her know that you will be there beside her no matter what. I can tell from your "rants" as you call them, that you are upset that others aren't there for you. I know you are a good woman and bless your heart for researching out for information here. We will be here for you, that I can promise.
If her lump is a rapid growing one, that to me doesn't seem right. Maybe it's a cyst filling with fluid? My lump albeit was large, it took a long time before it got to the size it got. I too neglected to see a doctor on a routine basis. When my left nipple started to retract inward I got scared enough to find out what the problem was. All I can say is I am happy to hear that your partner is finally acting upon her worries now. But being late is better then never. In my case I had a 4 inch tumor (center of my breast, big chested). I was diagnosed as Stage 3 IDC (Invasive Ductile Carcinoma)the most common form of breast cancer. I had nothing in my lymph nodes and only this one tumor. I am telling you this so no matter how large the lump feels now, doesn't mean it's spread beyond the breast itself. With that said I also had to do chemo, radiation and a mastectomy (I chose to remove both though).
Go to this first appointment with her and bring a notebook or a tape recorder. Be there for her and help her make decisions. It's going to seem like a whirlwind these next few weeks but the sooner things get addressed the sooner the tumor can be removed.
Think positive, show your love and support and let us walk this journey with you. Keep us posted on how you two are doing.
Hugs,
Lorrie0 -
Dawn,
I'm so sorry about
Dawn,
I'm so sorry about what you're going through! The waiting is probably the worst part. From the time they called me to let me know that something showed on my annual mammogram to having it repeated was anxiety filled. I'd never had that problem and I was scared. Then came the repeat and ultrasound. They told me I needed a biopsy but I had to wait due to my daily aspirin. A week later came the biopsy - I think I was close to insane at the time. Then the wait for the results. I found out on a Friday afternoon. The next Thursday I saw the surgeon and once we got going, I made decisions quickly. I wanted this done and go forward. I had invasive ductal carcinoma - triple negative. I forged through the whole ordeal and I am a survivor. My last radiation treatment was 3/16/12 after 16 chemos. I'm doing good - hair is coming back, energy too! You both can do this! My husband was a rock but it's harder sometimes to see someone you love go thru this than going thru it yourself. My suggestion is to be open and honest with each other and find an outside support if it comes to that. The social workers are so helpful - they've chosen their field for a reason. Remember that most lumps/biopsies are benign - some say 85%.
I wish the best for you and your partner!
Karen0 -
hi Dawn you found a good site.
You have come to a very supportive sight, and I am hopeful that the lump is benign and you don't have to do this. Your friends sound pretty normal. One of the first things I realized was the people in my life who I thouht would always be here for me are for the most part not the ones that I can count on. At first I was very upset but in time learned that not everyone is cut out to help others. That is okay. It has changed some friendships, and that is okay too.
One of the hardest things for me is letting others help me, and learning how to ask for help. The last thing I want is for others to decide what I should or should not be doing. If I feel good I do whatever I can. On bad days, I may spend he day slseping, but that is my choice.I have had toearn what works for me and set boundaries so others didn't invade certain aspects of my life. I can be very open, but hat is my choice as to who I trust to be open with, and I had to make it clear from the beginning that I didn't want people speaking for me or friends sharing personal information with aquaintances or co workers.
I wish both you and your partner the best in this journey and will pray that he results are benign. This is a great site with wonderful supportive people. As hard as it is, try not to get too bogged down wih all of it until you know what you are dealing with. It will drive you nuts.0 -
Vent all you want
that is what this venue is for. Sorry to hear about your partner and the waiting is always the hardest part. Just let her know you are there for her if she wants to talk and that you are worried too as she is so important to you. I hope the results are good and not bad. I'm glad she went for help as she wasn't a "doctor" person. I never was either. Let me just say that everything goes through your mind just as it's going through yours. Until you get some kind of results and a plan it's hard to focus. You are not alone. We are all here for you if you need us. Sorry you had to find us this way.
((hugs))
Terry0 -
Hang in there and let us know
Waiting, not knowing, is sooooo the hardest part. Once you know, even if it's not what you want to hear, then you get a game plan and forge ahead with battle lines drawn.
Please remember, as the other gals said, most lumps are benign (85%?) so we will pray for that for your partner.
Unfortunately, there is no easy way to wait and no true way to get the folks who haven't walked in your shoes to "get it"
We are waiting here to hear how it all goes.
Keep us posted,
Jennifer0 -
You've been given goodgrams2jc said:Hang in there and let us know
Waiting, not knowing, is sooooo the hardest part. Once you know, even if it's not what you want to hear, then you get a game plan and forge ahead with battle lines drawn.
Please remember, as the other gals said, most lumps are benign (85%?) so we will pray for that for your partner.
Unfortunately, there is no easy way to wait and no true way to get the folks who haven't walked in your shoes to "get it"
We are waiting here to hear how it all goes.
Keep us posted,
Jennifer
You've been given good advice and support already by the pink sisters, but, let me add this too, the waiting is the worst part and I wish none of us ever had to. When you find out, let us know and we will continue and help in the fight.
I will be praying that you both hear the word benign!
Hugs, Lex0 -
Waiting...Alexis F said:You've been given good
You've been given good advice and support already by the pink sisters, but, let me add this too, the waiting is the worst part and I wish none of us ever had to. When you find out, let us know and we will continue and help in the fight.
I will be praying that you both hear the word benign!
Hugs, Lex
I agree, the waiting is so hard. Let me add how very blessed your partner is to have you, that love and concern is what will get you both through this, whatever it is. We will be waiting to hear how things progress, and praying for good news.0 -
I can not tell you how much
I can not tell you how much it meant to me when I logged on and saw what everyone wrote! I would love to reply individually but I am at work currently and waiting for my partner to get here so we can go for her testing in about a half hour. I hope that they will tell us something then (I am figuring aspiration or biopsy might be next) but at least to get a plan... Thank you all again. The idea that a group of strangers is so supportive of someone without even knowing them is just so overwhelming right now. I will come back and update after her appointment today. Thank you all again… it really does mean the world to me to have found you all.
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Good luckryditlkustolit said:I can not tell you how much
I can not tell you how much it meant to me when I logged on and saw what everyone wrote! I would love to reply individually but I am at work currently and waiting for my partner to get here so we can go for her testing in about a half hour. I hope that they will tell us something then (I am figuring aspiration or biopsy might be next) but at least to get a plan... Thank you all again. The idea that a group of strangers is so supportive of someone without even knowing them is just so overwhelming right now. I will come back and update after her appointment today. Thank you all again… it really does mean the world to me to have found you all.</p>
Sounds like everyone else has said it all. I was diagnosed in 2003 as stage 3a.
Stay positive. Be happy. Don't worry.0 -
How'd it go?Marcia527 said:Good luck
Sounds like everyone else has said it all. I was diagnosed in 2003 as stage 3a.
Stay positive. Be happy. Don't worry.
Hope the mammogram and perhaps an ultrasound gave you some peace. Waiting is the worst. All of your concerns and the things buzzing through your head are also buzzing through your partner's - and they're all typical reactions. Once you know what's going on (hopefully something benign) and a plan is in place, it will get better. Then you can face the dread of each next step, but know that as you take each step, it will be one more hurdle you have overcome and is behind you.
As for friends' and families' reactions, I learned that all most did was make me mad. Prepare yourself to be disappointed in many and warmly loved by others. The only people who really understood were those who had been there - i.e., survivors. People who haven't really don't "get" that we go through so much emotionally and we only need them to listen, and support - not fix. My former two "best friends" would never allow me to be worried or frightened - afterall they knew everything would be just fine. I know they had my best interests at heart, but my cancer journey did effect our relationship - and it will never be the same. Others became stronger. I guess it's all part of this journey and it's different yet the same for all of us.
Welcome to this board. Someone is always here.
Suzanne0 -
Hello DawnDouble Whammy said:How'd it go?
Hope the mammogram and perhaps an ultrasound gave you some peace. Waiting is the worst. All of your concerns and the things buzzing through your head are also buzzing through your partner's - and they're all typical reactions. Once you know what's going on (hopefully something benign) and a plan is in place, it will get better. Then you can face the dread of each next step, but know that as you take each step, it will be one more hurdle you have overcome and is behind you.
As for friends' and families' reactions, I learned that all most did was make me mad. Prepare yourself to be disappointed in many and warmly loved by others. The only people who really understood were those who had been there - i.e., survivors. People who haven't really don't "get" that we go through so much emotionally and we only need them to listen, and support - not fix. My former two "best friends" would never allow me to be worried or frightened - afterall they knew everything would be just fine. I know they had my best interests at heart, but my cancer journey did effect our relationship - and it will never be the same. Others became stronger. I guess it's all part of this journey and it's different yet the same for all of us.
Welcome to this board. Someone is always here.
Suzanne
I've been having trouble getting on the board for the past couple of days, I just read your post and my heart goes out to you and your partner.
Please let us know how her test came out.
Lots of Hugs...Karie0 -
Hello Dawn
Like my sisters, I believe that waiting is the hardest part of this journey. And I also agree with my sisters that there will be disappointment where you least expect it. Friends and family are people who WANT to be there for you but when something like this happens, it is hard for them to face. This kind of reality is just too hard for most to understand.
I found that family could not deal with the idea of another family member facing the dreaded word "cancer". I've been on both sides of the fence now and I totally get it. At first, you get angry and sad because the ones you always knew you could count on decided to turn away. When you think about it, you know how you were and what you said to someone when they tell you that they have cancer. (of course, we don't know yet if your partner will travel that road) No one knows what to say.
The thing is, you will find friends and supporters in places you never dreamed of. Like here, for instance.
When I was diagnosed in August 2011, I did not know where to turn. This site is "priceless". My pillar of strength comes from the wonderful women and men who care enough to help a sister/brother in need.
Although it saddens me that you needed to check in, I am glad you found this site. You will never feel alone. I do hope your partner will drop in at some point and say Hi and let us do what we do best.
Love, respect, honor and care for one another.
My prayers for good results and cyber hugs to you both.
God Bless
Mary0 -
The waiting is so hard andgrams2jc said:Hang in there and let us know
Waiting, not knowing, is sooooo the hardest part. Once you know, even if it's not what you want to hear, then you get a game plan and forge ahead with battle lines drawn.
Please remember, as the other gals said, most lumps are benign (85%?) so we will pray for that for your partner.
Unfortunately, there is no easy way to wait and no true way to get the folks who haven't walked in your shoes to "get it"
We are waiting here to hear how it all goes.
Keep us posted,
Jennifer
The waiting is so hard and we've all been there Dawn. The pink sisters are right that most lumps are benign, so, let's think positive.
Praying for you,
Angie0 -
Praying that when
you come back to let us know what's going on, you really won't need us.0 -
Good luck with yourryditlkustolit said:I can not tell you how much
I can not tell you how much it meant to me when I logged on and saw what everyone wrote! I would love to reply individually but I am at work currently and waiting for my partner to get here so we can go for her testing in about a half hour. I hope that they will tell us something then (I am figuring aspiration or biopsy might be next) but at least to get a plan... Thank you all again. The idea that a group of strangers is so supportive of someone without even knowing them is just so overwhelming right now. I will come back and update after her appointment today. Thank you all again… it really does mean the world to me to have found you all.</p>
Good luck with your appointment and be sure and keep us in the loop. We all are praying for you.
Hugs, Noel0
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