Caregiver stressed out
I dont know why Im on this forum. I guess just asking to see if anyone else is where im at.
I know what the end result is going to be. I am a christen and have been praying everyday. The doctors dont tell you anything. Does she have a chance? Does she not? Im burned out beyond all means. I cant stand to watch her suffer. It breaks my heart and I cry all the time. Thanks for Listening group. Mike
Comments
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caregiver
Mike, I am so sorry that you & your wife have to go through this. My thoughts & prayers are with you.
Does your hospital have any patient services that you can talk to? Most in my area have some type
of social worker, etc. who helps with caregiving. Also, if you attend church, might your church be able to help?
Again, these are just ideas that have worked in my community.
I know you said that you are a private person, but cancer taught me to ask for help when needed.
Again, (((hugs))) and prayers sent for you & your wife.0 -
caregiver
Mike, I am so sorry that you & your wife have to go through this. My thoughts & prayers are with you.
Does your hospital have any patient services that you can talk to? Most in my area have some type
of social worker, etc. who helps with caregiving. Also, if you attend church, might your church be able to help?
Again, these are just ideas that have worked in my community.
I know you said that you are a private person, but cancer taught me to ask for help when needed.
Again, (((hugs))) and prayers sent for you & your wife.0 -
Oh Mike - I just want to
Oh Mike - I just want to grab you and hug away all your and your wife's pain but I can't. I can give you cyber hugs and lots of prayers though.
Check with Center that's TXing your wife - they should have a Breast Cancer Navigator who can point you in directions for help. Check with your local ACS - they have lots of resources. There is one program but I can't remember the name of it (someone else will) and it may not be through ACS but it will send someone to clean the house. Check with your Church.
You say the Drs aren't answering your questions - then make an appt with them and see them by yourself - they may be more upfront with just you and you can demand info/say what you're feeling without stressing your wife. Just an idea.
No one can begin to know what you and your lovely Lady are going through - some of us have been through similar things though but definately not the same. My Mom went through years of failing health (not cancer) and I saw what it did to Daddy. (Very small family - both were only children and me, Hubby, and our sons.) Towards the end, Daddy was able to stay home all the time as he was retired USAF and took early SS. Back then insurance wasn't an issue for them as Champus was around. Hubby was stationed 300 miles from home but I was able to go home often to give Daddy the help he needed.
You feel the need to talk - please come to this family - we'll be here for you. Prayers!
Winyan - The Power Within
Susan0 -
I hear you
Definitely look into the suggestions here for help. Though I understand the privacy thing, your welfare and your lovely lady's welfare may require a bit of opening up.
One thing you can do NOW, is try to make time each day, regardless how short, for just YOU. It can be a little thing, but you need to renew yourself or you cannot be good for anyone. I went through this draining existence with my dad, and then was on the patient side of things.
As a caregiver, you must care for yourself too. Keep coming back here, there is a wealth of info and experience to mine. You might try the chatroom too to vent and questions, usually late at night when defenses are down, someone is there.
Usually the guys are "fixers" and get frustrated that this is something that cannot be fixed. There are no concrete solutions. Your endurance is the key.
So sorry for your pain, all the best.0 -
Your Wife
Dear Mayor Mike,
You have had some good advise on some needed help as your wife's caretaker. I have never been one, so I can't help there.
I do have a long history of breast cancer which has metastasize to my lungs, lining and ribs. I am almost a decade older than your wife and still work full time. I have a lot of other medical issues along with the cancer. What I am saying is you should allow your wife time to take care of herself. You don't need to do it all. Sometimes, we fall into that role and don't know how to allow others pick up their share of the load.
You do understand that metastasize cancer has no cure but, it doesn't mean that it is an immediate death sentence. It is not! Your wife does indeed have a chance. How long, no one can answer that question.
Breast cancer is 10 diseases not one which came out as an article last week:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-17740690
Another article would some very good explanation is this one that also came out at the same time.
http://scienceblog.cancerresearchuk.org/2012/04/18/increasing-the-resolution-on-breast-cancer-the-metabric-study/
You need to know some of the basic and then ask her oncologist some questions. A book I always think as basic is "Dr. Susan Love's Breast book" she also has a web page:
http://www.dslrf.org/breastcancer/content.asp?L2=4&L3=2&SID=185
You need to know what kind of cancer she has, is she triple negative, triple positive and there are many kinds. Her lungs being drained sounded as though she had a pleural effusion. I had one and they drained it when I had a VATS biopsy. It has not returned since 2008. Radiation I am assuming was for her hip. That is to kill the cancer there and to relieve pain.
She will be weak since she just got out of the hospital but, she should try do for herself as much as possible. I don't have a husband, so when I returned from treatments, hospital and etc., it's only me. I always believed that doing this alone has helped me stay strong enough to fight this disease for 17 1/2 years.
Read up a little, talk with her doctors, find some help in order to relieve you from all task and try to allow her to help herself a little.
Keep us posted,
Best,
Doris0 -
I am so sorry Mike. I don'tTux said:caregiver
Mike, I am so sorry that you & your wife have to go through this. My thoughts & prayers are with you.
Does your hospital have any patient services that you can talk to? Most in my area have some type
of social worker, etc. who helps with caregiving. Also, if you attend church, might your church be able to help?
Again, these are just ideas that have worked in my community.
I know you said that you are a private person, but cancer taught me to ask for help when needed.
Again, (((hugs))) and prayers sent for you & your wife.
I am so sorry Mike. I don't have answers to your questions. I am so sorry that your family is going thru this and I pray that you will take care of yourself also.
You say you are a very private person, but, I think you need to reach out to someone to help you. You can't do this all yourself.
I wish you and your wife the best and will be praying for your family.
Sue0 -
Mike so sorry for all you
Mike so sorry for all you have gone through and are presently going through. Have you checked with Social Services? Cancer center have any support groups? I am sure you have done those...just in such an awe...wish I had magic powers to send your way.
I"LL be thinking of you and thinking of suggestions...
Denise0 -
mayormike
The most important thing hat I have read on here is for you to take time for yourself. Even if it is nothing more than hitting a bucket of balls. I worked as a volunteer for hospice and I couldn't stress enough to the main caregivers to ise us volunteers to come in and visit wih the patient for an hour or two a couple times a week. I started volunteering for a class and really enjoyed it. what was to be 6
weeks, became a year. Remember volunteers are there because we want to help! No matter how private you are, there comes a time when you as the care giver will break if you can never get away from he situation. I took care of my mom for 2 of her last 6 years followinf 2 strokes and it was hard. I don't regret it for a minute, but there came a time when I had to change the routine and let others help her. She also enjoyed seeing a new face and looked forward to their visits.
You are amazing to do it his long without a break, but of you want to really help your wife, you first need to help yourself.
I am stage iv and have always been extremely independent. I have 2 boys who do a lot for me, but I have sent them on trips to get them out. And whilenhey are gone I have no choice but to rely on
others. Not easy, but it gives them time to recoup so they can keep on doing what hey have chosen and I.make sure that they get breaks even when hey say they are okay!
It is not easy watching us decline as the disease progresses. They have a hard time letting others help me, but I remind them hat there will come a time when it will get even rockier and I need them to be mentally healthy for hat. They boh work and have wife/girlfriend and need to spend time with them. It is a balancing act, and as I tell them, I am not going to die because they go out to dinner, or camping for a wekend.
I can't stress enoufh, just how important it is to take time for youself. Also, come to his site, you would be amazed at how much you will learn from not only us "pinks", but also from oher husbands and signoficant ohers. Unfortunately, when one gets it, it effects all of those around us.
Take care and please, if nothing else look into some of he free services in he communiy. People who volunteer are doing it because they want to help, for some of us it is a time to give back to others for help that we were lucky enough to receive when we needed it!
Carol0 -
Mike,
So sorry for all your
Mike,
So sorry for all your problems. Just know how much she loves and appreciates what you do for her. My husband took care of me during my rads etc. He never really helped out in out 45 years of marriage. So he was at a loss of what to do but he tried his best. I couldn't of asked for anything more. It brought us closer together and made our Love much stronger. With God's help with made it through that part. Our prayers will be there for you and may God carry you through this time.
Hugs and Prayers to You Both,
Diana0 -
Just thought I would sendcamul said:mayormike
The most important thing hat I have read on here is for you to take time for yourself. Even if it is nothing more than hitting a bucket of balls. I worked as a volunteer for hospice and I couldn't stress enough to the main caregivers to ise us volunteers to come in and visit wih the patient for an hour or two a couple times a week. I started volunteering for a class and really enjoyed it. what was to be 6
weeks, became a year. Remember volunteers are there because we want to help! No matter how private you are, there comes a time when you as the care giver will break if you can never get away from he situation. I took care of my mom for 2 of her last 6 years followinf 2 strokes and it was hard. I don't regret it for a minute, but there came a time when I had to change the routine and let others help her. She also enjoyed seeing a new face and looked forward to their visits.
You are amazing to do it his long without a break, but of you want to really help your wife, you first need to help yourself.
I am stage iv and have always been extremely independent. I have 2 boys who do a lot for me, but I have sent them on trips to get them out. And whilenhey are gone I have no choice but to rely on
others. Not easy, but it gives them time to recoup so they can keep on doing what hey have chosen and I.make sure that they get breaks even when hey say they are okay!
It is not easy watching us decline as the disease progresses. They have a hard time letting others help me, but I remind them hat there will come a time when it will get even rockier and I need them to be mentally healthy for hat. They boh work and have wife/girlfriend and need to spend time with them. It is a balancing act, and as I tell them, I am not going to die because they go out to dinner, or camping for a wekend.
I can't stress enoufh, just how important it is to take time for youself. Also, come to his site, you would be amazed at how much you will learn from not only us "pinks", but also from oher husbands and signoficant ohers. Unfortunately, when one gets it, it effects all of those around us.
Take care and please, if nothing else look into some of he free services in he communiy. People who volunteer are doing it because they want to help, for some of us it is a time to give back to others for help that we were lucky enough to receive when we needed it!
Carol
Just thought I would send you more prayers and hugs today Mike!
Sue
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My thoughts and prayers aregagee said:Mike,
So sorry for all your
Mike,
So sorry for all your problems. Just know how much she loves and appreciates what you do for her. My husband took care of me during my rads etc. He never really helped out in out 45 years of marriage. So he was at a loss of what to do but he tried his best. I couldn't of asked for anything more. It brought us closer together and made our Love much stronger. With God's help with made it through that part. Our prayers will be there for you and may God carry you through this time.
Hugs and Prayers to You Both,
Diana
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your wife.
Hugs and praying,
Megan0 -
Good adviceMegan M said:My thoughts and prayers are
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your wife.
Hugs and praying,
Megan
I wont't repeat all the good advice given here, hopefully you will find the help you need. Breast cancer is my second cancer, I am also recovering from Anal Cancer. My husband recently had a bone marrow transplant for Multiple Myeloma, a blood cancer. For several years during my ups and downs I have also been his care-giver. I remember one day when I was purely exhausted in all ways and I just sat on my bed and cried and then said to God, "thats it, I can not do this anymore alone, I am taking my life both good and bad and handing it over to you. I need you to carry me, fix it, take it away, or do whatever you have planned to do to help me through this right now this minute." I took a breathe, said a prayer, and I lie not, I have felt stronger and better ever since that day. We have still had many ups and downs, but especially as a caregiver, I feel a sense of being more relaxed, I know I have His help in a way I did not before. He will help you when you have reached that point, don't worry you are not alone, just ask. As always, all (especially you) in my prayers.0 -
I am so sorry Mike. It isdisneyfan2008 said:Mike so sorry for all you
Mike so sorry for all you have gone through and are presently going through. Have you checked with Social Services? Cancer center have any support groups? I am sure you have done those...just in such an awe...wish I had magic powers to send your way.
I"LL be thinking of you and thinking of suggestions...
Denise
I am so sorry Mike. It is understandable that you are stressed out and wish there were something that I could do to help out.
I will be praying and sending positive thoughts for your family and you.
Hugs, Kylez0 -
Mike I hope you will come back and readeihtak said:Good advice
I wont't repeat all the good advice given here, hopefully you will find the help you need. Breast cancer is my second cancer, I am also recovering from Anal Cancer. My husband recently had a bone marrow transplant for Multiple Myeloma, a blood cancer. For several years during my ups and downs I have also been his care-giver. I remember one day when I was purely exhausted in all ways and I just sat on my bed and cried and then said to God, "thats it, I can not do this anymore alone, I am taking my life both good and bad and handing it over to you. I need you to carry me, fix it, take it away, or do whatever you have planned to do to help me through this right now this minute." I took a breathe, said a prayer, and I lie not, I have felt stronger and better ever since that day. We have still had many ups and downs, but especially as a caregiver, I feel a sense of being more relaxed, I know I have His help in a way I did not before. He will help you when you have reached that point, don't worry you are not alone, just ask. As always, all (especially you) in my prayers.
All the responses. Please reach out for help,
My thoughts are with you and your wife0 -
So very sorry Mike for youTux said:caregiver
Mike, I am so sorry that you & your wife have to go through this. My thoughts & prayers are with you.
Does your hospital have any patient services that you can talk to? Most in my area have some type
of social worker, etc. who helps with caregiving. Also, if you attend church, might your church be able to help?
Again, these are just ideas that have worked in my community.
I know you said that you are a private person, but cancer taught me to ask for help when needed.
Again, (((hugs))) and prayers sent for you & your wife.
So very sorry Mike for you and your wife. You've been doing an amazing job of taking care of your wife and everything else. Just want you to know that.
Hugs and lots of prayers,
Debby0 -
I'm so sorry!
Dear Mike,
I'm so sorry for you and your wife's ordeal. My heart aches for you both! It really takes a toll on the caregiver. My husband has been on the edge several times. He finally sought help - a therapist to talk to. He got a lot of support and coping skills from him. I just wish he had gone to him sooner. It stinks to watch your loved one go thru all of this and not be able to change anything. You've both been through the ringer!
I pray for you both and hope for some relief and peace!
Karen0 -
I hope Mike will come backNew Flower said:Mike I hope you will come back and read
All the responses. Please reach out for help,
My thoughts are with you and your wife
I hope Mike will come back also New Flower and know that we are here for him and his wife.
Sue
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Care giver
I can relate to you Mike Im 58 and my husband was 68, he was diagnosed with Invasive ductal carcinoma in March 2010, since his first chemo session he was unable to work as time went on he got worst and worst hardly able to walk few feet with out pain due to the nerve damage to his feet from chemo, so I was his main care giver and only person working in our household full time. wasn't an easy road, almost lost him once in 2010 he was hosp.italized for 3 months ( after his last chemo session )ended up with dementia during that hospital stay didn't even know who I was. March 2011 was diagnosed as pallative with maybe 1 yr to live...i had to continue working and taking care of him, getting meals ready that he didn't have to heat up because he couldn't even use the microwave in case he would drop his meal. then Chritmas eve 2011 was diagnosed with brain turmors....January 2012 I took a compasionate leave, he had radiation to give him a few more months. We were blessed that we were able to get into a hospice because at this point i was no longer able to take are of him he had become way too confused and dangerous to his well being. I was able to stay with him 24/7 at the hospice but I also was still his main care giver because he was my husband and I wanted to make sure he was taken care of because I only knew what he liked and wanted...I lost him one week after his birthday March 18/2012,,,,,I know being sole care giver is very hard and the worst part is when they pass, you are lost becaue you don't know what to do with your self now because your main focus has left you. Not sure this is what you wanted to hear but I hope you can find some kind of support so that you can get some rest and time for yourself because you need time to beable to provide your love one with the best support you can give her during this hard period in your lives.....all the best stay strong0 -
Mayor MikeSally_Paul said:Care giver
I can relate to you Mike Im 58 and my husband was 68, he was diagnosed with Invasive ductal carcinoma in March 2010, since his first chemo session he was unable to work as time went on he got worst and worst hardly able to walk few feet with out pain due to the nerve damage to his feet from chemo, so I was his main care giver and only person working in our household full time. wasn't an easy road, almost lost him once in 2010 he was hosp.italized for 3 months ( after his last chemo session )ended up with dementia during that hospital stay didn't even know who I was. March 2011 was diagnosed as pallative with maybe 1 yr to live...i had to continue working and taking care of him, getting meals ready that he didn't have to heat up because he couldn't even use the microwave in case he would drop his meal. then Chritmas eve 2011 was diagnosed with brain turmors....January 2012 I took a compasionate leave, he had radiation to give him a few more months. We were blessed that we were able to get into a hospice because at this point i was no longer able to take are of him he had become way too confused and dangerous to his well being. I was able to stay with him 24/7 at the hospice but I also was still his main care giver because he was my husband and I wanted to make sure he was taken care of because I only knew what he liked and wanted...I lost him one week after his birthday March 18/2012,,,,,I know being sole care giver is very hard and the worst part is when they pass, you are lost becaue you don't know what to do with your self now because your main focus has left you. Not sure this is what you wanted to hear but I hope you can find some kind of support so that you can get some rest and time for yourself because you need time to beable to provide your love one with the best support you can give her during this hard period in your lives.....all the best stay strong
Sorry for what you're going through.I am sure it's hard on men to take over.My husband never helped me.The only time he was told he must was when I had my hysteroctomy 17 years ago.And did I take advantage.He waited on me hand and foot.It became a joke.He even had to raise me up using his neck.I had a serious complications and bled out.I couldn't stand or get out of bed without help. Alot of blood loss.I got 3 course meals.It got to be a joke between both of us.After breakfast I said "What's for lunch".He would say you just had breakfast??? He would ask me if I wanted something to drink.No but then maybe 10 minutes later I asked him for a pop. "I just asked you that a few minutes ago? I changed my mind. I didn't do this delibeatly but we did joke about it. I had to go to a shopping center to walk around.It was to cold outside.We walked and when I sat down he had to pull me back up. It was really the only time he ever waited on me even though I had other lumpectomies through my life since I was 20.Later dx at 62.
Even after my dx it was a breeze.No chemo or radiation just a lumpectomy. It was meant to be.He works alot and is never home.With just a lumpectomy he only had to take a couple days off and not a week or 2.He changed alot.I asked him to be a better husband and more caring.
he never thought about that but it was something I needed.Cancer changed my life so much and it will never be the same.I know in time he may need to wait on me if ever a occurance but now I'm fine.I also know I may need to take care of him. He is 5 years older than me and has heart disease.I see him going downhill and fatigued. it was just me not having the treatments and the invasive cancer like so many go through my husband didn't take my dx seriously.I needed for him to do that. I told him he HAD to change and he did.
I can imagine how hard it is. we just didnt got through that. Since my husband was never caring as far as taking care of another. It was meant to be(I didn't need treatment).Everyone else was worried about me.Wondering how he would be.Now though he tells me everyday he loves me and I tell him.I guess as we look back our marriage should have been that way all along.I know we're both going to go through more health crisis and we will be there for each other.
Wishing you the best and take it slower.You're going through a crisis and so is your wife.I see so many on here who have so much spousal support but I was afraid I wouldn't. My dx brought us closer and closer after over 40 years of marriage.My husband told me the other day 2010 was a year we changed for the better.It was a year after my dx.
Lynn Smith0
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