Just venting

dianelynn41 Member Posts: 71
What do you when the person you are trying to take care of is just tired of being taken care of?
My husband has stage 4 recurrance rectal cancer invading his bladder. Starting another round of chemo next week.

He's tired, he's in pain and he's just plain frustrated.

He's tired me pushing pills at him, trying to keep him fed and hydrated and trying to keep his catheter flowing. He's sleeps too much but hurts to sit up in his chair.

Up until the last week he's always cooperated with me but he's gotten really angry and just wants me to leave him alone.

I'm tired because I don't sleep, I'm trying to keep my job going and keep the house going.

Just tired.


  • jimwins
    jimwins Member Posts: 2,107
    Hey Diane,

    I'm a cancer survivor and not really an expert on caregiving.
    Just wanted you to know we're listening. Vent all you like - I know
    how frustrating and hard this is.

    I'm sure others will chime in here soon.

    Hugs and positive thoughts,

    DX: DLBL 4/2011, Chemo completed 10/2011, currently in remission. :)
  • Noellesmom
    Noellesmom Member Posts: 1,859 Member
    caregiver viewpoint
    As hard as it is, Diane, because you are there to help your patient, you must remember that respecting their feelings and wishes are the most important part.

    That having been said, you have feelings, too, and are emotionally invested in this whole thing.

    I think you hit on the head when you said "tired". You are both tired.

    Ultimately, as long as he is in control of his faculties, the decision on when and how much to eat is his: taking his medication for pain is optional. He'll figure it out.

    Chances are by the time you read this he will have apologized and I hope you have gotten a nap.

    Next time he balks at something he "should" do to take care of himself, give him a smile and say "okay" and then go do something for yourself. Give him space and take some for yourself.

    Hugs. I know this is so hard.
  • BrisGal
    BrisGal Member Posts: 6
    I hear you!
    Hi Diane,

    I totally understand how you are feeling. My husband gets in these moods from time to time and at first it really hurt my feelings. Now I accept it as part of what we are going through...another side effect.

    I still do get upset but let it roll off my shoulders..hang in there and keep on keeping on. It's good to vent and this is a good place to vent. Try to sleep when you can even if it's napping when your husband is. We have to take care of ourselves first so that we have the strength to take care of them.

  • Bearsmile
    Bearsmile Member Posts: 24
    Hello, I hear the fustration you are feeling. My Dad gets tired of me pushing fluids and food on him. There are times when I have to do that so he doesn't get dehydrated or weak. It is hard when the chemo leaves him with no desire to eat and he says everything tastes like metal. It is hard since I took him to the hospital once after he became dehydrated and if I can avoid it I will do so. I am lucky that there are times when he realizes that I was right to push him and he says thank you but it is not easy.
    My experience has been that we all go through phases of acceptance and lots of stuff around the cancer. My brother who lives on the other side of the country has finally figured out that one of the best things he can do to help is to listen to both my father and I when we need to vent. Having a safe person to talk to I think is important.
    Hang in there. I try to remember one day at a time. I have also found it is important to take care of yourself. I had my nails done and took a nap. The laundry and dishes will still be there tomorrow or in a few hours.
    Good luck and keep up the good work.