Thoughts of suicide?

nwasen
nwasen Member Posts: 235 Member
Just wondered if any of you thought about doing yourself in when first diagnosed? I was reading an article online today that some when first told they had cancer (especially younger people commit suicide). It got me to remembering that first week after I knew I was in bad shape. I have to admit the thought flickered thru my mind. I laid in bed, it was late at night and I let my mind wander all thru how it could be done. Scared of water so drowning was out. Don't like guns, don't own one. That's out. On and on I went.....then I realized I had too much to live for and also knew I was too nosy and what if I did it and then missed out on something?
I realize I am making light of something very serious. But, I think for alot of us, that facing up to cancer was one of the scariest things we have ever faced. I know it was for me. I found out that even tho I grew up a spoiled only child used to getting my own way that I was (am) made of tough stuff and with a good attitude, great docs and a warped sense of humor, I could make my way thru it!
And you??
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Comments

  • hislove40
    hislove40 Member Posts: 51
    No thoughts of suicide
    I never considered suicide and I really didn't feel frightened either but I'm a dive in head first kind of person :). As you now know, this is certainly not a death sentence. Even if it was I could deal with dying just knowing it's my time to go. But it's not time :).

    I have a very close friend whose only son a few years out of college committed suicide and they still don't know why. It's been a few years now since he's gone and she still doesn't like to be around people and will cry at the drop of a hat so still in great pain. It's amazing how many people love and value you that maybe you didn't even know about. I'm so happy that it was nothing more than thoughts for you. We all have thoughts of all sorts of lovely things. I'm glad you are a fighter and hope anyone reading this realizes that we are all going to go when it's our time but hope no one tries to play God and speed things up. It's just so incredibly beyond painful for your loved ones! I could never do that to the people in my life.
  • tommyodavey
    tommyodavey Member Posts: 726 Member
    hislove40 said:

    No thoughts of suicide
    I never considered suicide and I really didn't feel frightened either but I'm a dive in head first kind of person :). As you now know, this is certainly not a death sentence. Even if it was I could deal with dying just knowing it's my time to go. But it's not time :).

    I have a very close friend whose only son a few years out of college committed suicide and they still don't know why. It's been a few years now since he's gone and she still doesn't like to be around people and will cry at the drop of a hat so still in great pain. It's amazing how many people love and value you that maybe you didn't even know about. I'm so happy that it was nothing more than thoughts for you. We all have thoughts of all sorts of lovely things. I'm glad you are a fighter and hope anyone reading this realizes that we are all going to go when it's our time but hope no one tries to play God and speed things up. It's just so incredibly beyond painful for your loved ones! I could never do that to the people in my life.

    Thoughts?
    I read the same article. With me, no, it didn't cross my mind. My biggest worry was leaving my wife and son and how they'd handle it. My siblings too, we've suffered enough death in our family that shouldn't have happened.

    The article didn't exactly say what kind of cancers that affected the people. Maybe if I was all alone in this world and found out I had a terminal one, then I might have given it thought. But I guess I won't find out unless the above happens. So no worries from me.
  • D Lewis
    D Lewis Member Posts: 1,581 Member
    Nope, no such thoughts here...
    But I'm a pretty hard-nosed, bull-headed, ****-kicking kind of person. I would fight cancer even if there was no hope. I'd be satisfied just to strike a blow back at it. Back when I first signed on here, my password included the initials FU and cancer.

    At one point I did see my life flash before my eyes. I had a full-on PTSS flashback to treatment and panic attack during my morning commute at 60 miles per hour down a curvy mountain highway. I had no clue what was happening, but at that point I figured I was going to die and it was going to be cancer's fault. However, I managed to survive that one too. I'm a survivor.

    Deb
  • Skiffin16
    Skiffin16 Member Posts: 8,305 Member
    Never
    I'm going kicking and screaming, that thought has never entered my mind.

    JG
  • osmotar
    osmotar Member Posts: 1,006
    never ever
    Considered anything like that...like John I'm going kicking n screaming.
  • MarineE5
    MarineE5 Member Posts: 1,029 Member
    Nope
    I'm like the others, didn't think about it. I may have felt like crap many a day, but I looked forward to each evening that my wife walked thru the door after work. I would have a fresh pot of coffee brewing so we could sit and talk before dinner.

    Each day is a Gift. The old saying is "It is better to give then to receive". Sorry, to the author of that saying, but I enjoy receiving each day given to me.

    My Best to You and Everyone Here
  • phrannie51
    phrannie51 Member Posts: 4,716
    No, not suicide...
    in counseling others I've always maintained that it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem...and everything in this world passes...the good and the bad.

    Besides...I'm the kind of person who, even as a kid could hardly sleep for fear I might miss something...there'd be no doubt I'd miss a lot if I put myself down for the long sleep. :)

    My biggest fear when first diagnosed was being hacked up and radiated to a point I would look so scary, that I wouldn't want to leave my house....don't think now that's going to happen.

    p
  • ratface
    ratface Member Posts: 1,337 Member

    No, not suicide...
    in counseling others I've always maintained that it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem...and everything in this world passes...the good and the bad.

    Besides...I'm the kind of person who, even as a kid could hardly sleep for fear I might miss something...there'd be no doubt I'd miss a lot if I put myself down for the long sleep. :)

    My biggest fear when first diagnosed was being hacked up and radiated to a point I would look so scary, that I wouldn't want to leave my house....don't think now that's going to happen.

    p

    permanent solution to a temporary problem
    I think the mindset changes at "temporary". As others have said terminal cancer would be a different story. I haven't thought of it yet, but have to admit that I can understand when it could be the "Correct" solution. I've been involved firsthand as a first responder and there are times when you can understand why they did it. I certainly have ample guns laying around, all loaded. I'm too chicken to use a gun but really hope it never comes to that decision. It would be easy for any of us to just let go of living especially with all the access to pain meds.
  • ditto1
    ditto1 Member Posts: 660
    MASH
    Not sure if there are any MASH fans on this site, but I will go out on a limb and say a few. One episode I remember a soldier was severly disfigured on the left side of his face, he was naturally depressed, said all the reasons he did not want to live, Wife will not be able to love him, children would be afraid of him, and Im sure just his own reality of his issue, so he repeatedly tried to commit suicide, and Col.Potter kept trying to get him to see life was worth living, but again the soldier tried, finally when Col.Potter saw the man holding a Mask over his face thinking what was in the Cannister would allow him to die, Potter tried to pull the Mask away and then rethought and said Son if you want to die, then lets do it right and Potter held the mask to the soldiers face and turned up the gas, it was then that the soldier pushed Potter away and said man your trying to kill me, Potter then said, there you go son, fight to live, fight to live. So even though I to have wondered is the fight worth it and started blogging there, I just pray, I to will follow Col. Potters lead and fight to live.
  • luv4lacrosse
    luv4lacrosse Member Posts: 1,410 Member
    ME TOO
    I also had two seperate times while I was at my sickest that I wanted to die VS spend another day in agony.

    My wife even sent my two handguns and my shotgun to my dads house.
  • Greend
    Greend Member Posts: 678
    does this count
    I never considered suicide however when I was nearing my last treatments and had lost 100 lbs etc etc etc the doc told me I may need one moure round of treatments. I was as low as a body could get and I told him "no". I went home and told my two teenaged sons that I wouldn't take another treatment even if it meant death and I didn't, they were absolutely understanding. Turns out I guess it really wasn't necessary. I was simply down as far as I was ever going to allow myself.

    Denny

    PS I'm kind of glad I lived :>)
  • Skiffin16
    Skiffin16 Member Posts: 8,305 Member
    Greend said:

    does this count
    I never considered suicide however when I was nearing my last treatments and had lost 100 lbs etc etc etc the doc told me I may need one moure round of treatments. I was as low as a body could get and I told him "no". I went home and told my two teenaged sons that I wouldn't take another treatment even if it meant death and I didn't, they were absolutely understanding. Turns out I guess it really wasn't necessary. I was simply down as far as I was ever going to allow myself.

    Denny

    PS I'm kind of glad I lived :>)

    Kinda
    Kinda glad you did also....

    JG
  • Pam M
    Pam M Member Posts: 2,196
    ditto1 said:

    MASH
    Not sure if there are any MASH fans on this site, but I will go out on a limb and say a few. One episode I remember a soldier was severly disfigured on the left side of his face, he was naturally depressed, said all the reasons he did not want to live, Wife will not be able to love him, children would be afraid of him, and Im sure just his own reality of his issue, so he repeatedly tried to commit suicide, and Col.Potter kept trying to get him to see life was worth living, but again the soldier tried, finally when Col.Potter saw the man holding a Mask over his face thinking what was in the Cannister would allow him to die, Potter tried to pull the Mask away and then rethought and said Son if you want to die, then lets do it right and Potter held the mask to the soldiers face and turned up the gas, it was then that the soldier pushed Potter away and said man your trying to kill me, Potter then said, there you go son, fight to live, fight to live. So even though I to have wondered is the fight worth it and started blogging there, I just pray, I to will follow Col. Potters lead and fight to live.

    I'm Sure There are Several MASH Fans Here
    And you KNOW I've got that song in my head now.
  • Pam M
    Pam M Member Posts: 2,196
    State of Mind
    I have never considered suicide (although, as a teen, I wanted to go live in a cave a few times). Sometimes I wonder if it's because I'm an "avoider", and I would have to believe things were not going to go well for me before considering suicide. And while I understood that my cancer was, as my doc put it "life threatening", my usual state of mind was "yes, but not ME". And now that you mention it, the thought of missing out on interesting stuff would make me nutty.

    I also cannot come to grips with the idea of the damage a suicide often does to people near the deceased.

    As for your making light of something very serious - I had a friend who used to say "Sometimes you gotta laugh or you'll cry". I think that's a workable game plan. It was much easier for me to make jokes about side effects and baldness than it was to share my thoughts on what I was going through, and what I feared might be to come, and what I feared I might never regain.

    On the other hand - - if someone IS terminal - and suffering - their loved ones are suffering, too. I can certainly see how they might want a plan to shorten the duration of the end, no matter what others may think.
  • soccerfreaks
    soccerfreaks Member Posts: 2,788 Member
    "This is the end, my friend, the end"
    (The Doors reference)

    I am going to assume that anyone who thought of suicide and succeeded in the attempt is not here to report; I am going to further assume that most others who have considered it but decided against it are not going to reveal those thoughts publicly.

    Still, when OncoMan told me I had as little as 10 months to live due to a second cancer diagnosis (lungs), I bought a car I described as "shaped like a bullet". My sense of entitlement and my fearlessness went through the roof. I had seen my mom comatose in home hospice some 20 years ago (brain mets from an old breast cancer), and wanted no part of that for me or for my family.

    For whatever that says.

    I will add that, like probably everyone else who responded (including yourself, nswasen), I am pretty sure I had an ample supply of prescribed medications to make it no harder than some swallowing and some sleep. I did not do that.

    For whatever that says.

    Take care,

    Joe
  • RushFan
    RushFan Member Posts: 224

    "This is the end, my friend, the end"
    (The Doors reference)

    I am going to assume that anyone who thought of suicide and succeeded in the attempt is not here to report; I am going to further assume that most others who have considered it but decided against it are not going to reveal those thoughts publicly.

    Still, when OncoMan told me I had as little as 10 months to live due to a second cancer diagnosis (lungs), I bought a car I described as "shaped like a bullet". My sense of entitlement and my fearlessness went through the roof. I had seen my mom comatose in home hospice some 20 years ago (brain mets from an old breast cancer), and wanted no part of that for me or for my family.

    For whatever that says.

    I will add that, like probably everyone else who responded (including yourself, nswasen), I am pretty sure I had an ample supply of prescribed medications to make it no harder than some swallowing and some sleep. I did not do that.

    For whatever that says.

    Take care,

    Joe

    NEVER
    Never crossed my mind in any way, shape or form.
  • Kent Cass
    Kent Cass Member Posts: 1,898 Member
    RushFan said:

    NEVER
    Never crossed my mind in any way, shape or form.

    Suicide?
    So long as there is Hope that one will be able to live one's life in a condition which fits into their definition of the word "living..."

    kcass
  • hawk711
    hawk711 Member Posts: 566
    Kent Cass said:

    Suicide?
    So long as there is Hope that one will be able to live one's life in a condition which fits into their definition of the word "living..."

    kcass

    Great Question
    I didn't ever, ever think of taking my own life. BUT.....I now know what those folks who do take their own life were thinking at some point. I have a relative that did commit suicide and until the Big C, I never knew how he could do it. Durng cancer, I felt so bad at times that if I let my mind wander to a point where I though I'd never feel any better than this DAY, I then understand why some folks would decide to not stay and feel such pain, whether mental or physical. I think it is terribly wrong and I'd never do it, nor condone it, but I now have a sense of what those folks were thinking, with no hope of ever feeling better....It is a scary topic and one that happens, according to statistics, every 15 minutes..
    All of us need to fight on, be happy for what we have, enjoy the day...

    Maybe a little too much thought, but I have been thinking about this myself....thanks Nancy
  • Hondo
    Hondo Member Posts: 6,636 Member
    The End
    When I was first told of my cancer all I could think is Lord just be with me through this trial.

    When I was told it is back again all I could do was to think “why” but even then God was my friend and was right there through all my treatment.

    When I was told one more time “We are sorry but there is nothing more that we can do”, I knew then I needed to just put it all into the hand of my friend Jesus. With less than a 5% chance with treatment and a 0% chance with no treatment 6 ½ years later we are still together.

    There has been times when in deep depression and pain Satan has brought the thought of ending it all into my mind. But it was then that God sent my guard in angle to be with me to protect me and keep me from any harm. I know how bad depression can get when in pain and how the thought of ending it all seems like the only way out. It is sad that many when in deep depression don’t have someone there with them to hold them and love them until the depression pass.

    That is why it is so important that when we are dealing with people who are having problems in their life that we try to understand where they are coming from, Their pain their suffering their sorrow. Just a word can determine the destiny of someone’s life.

    Great Question, God bless
    The Preacher "Hondo"
  • jim and i
    jim and i Member Posts: 1,788 Member
    Hondo said:

    The End
    When I was first told of my cancer all I could think is Lord just be with me through this trial.

    When I was told it is back again all I could do was to think “why” but even then God was my friend and was right there through all my treatment.

    When I was told one more time “We are sorry but there is nothing more that we can do”, I knew then I needed to just put it all into the hand of my friend Jesus. With less than a 5% chance with treatment and a 0% chance with no treatment 6 ½ years later we are still together.

    There has been times when in deep depression and pain Satan has brought the thought of ending it all into my mind. But it was then that God sent my guard in angle to be with me to protect me and keep me from any harm. I know how bad depression can get when in pain and how the thought of ending it all seems like the only way out. It is sad that many when in deep depression don’t have someone there with them to hold them and love them until the depression pass.

    That is why it is so important that when we are dealing with people who are having problems in their life that we try to understand where they are coming from, Their pain their suffering their sorrow. Just a word can determine the destiny of someone’s life.

    Great Question, God bless
    The Preacher "Hondo"

    Amen to that
    Jim and I could not have survived this ordeal without Jesus walking with us. The message of Easter is what I hang onto. If Christ can overcome death, he can overcome cancer.

    Blessings,
    Debbie