lost for words...

ilovemymummy

Hi everyone,

Thank goodness i found a website like this one! My dear mum was diagnosed with Breast cancer around October 2011. she has been on a chemo tablet to reduce the size of the lump which was successful... but before starting her Radiotherapy she found a lump in her groin which had to be urgently removed... and she is now back on chemo tablets... She said she can start her radiotherapy once she has finished this course of tablets she has been prescribed...

im just lost for words as to what to do or say. My mum is the most precious thing in the world to me... im only 24 & never thought id have to face something like this with her. I was never told things from her straight up... when she was diagnosed with cancer in her breast she didnt tell me for months and went through so much on her own. And the same has happened with the lump in her groin... she had that removed without me knowing and had no intention of telling me... i found out through other people what was up with her & asked her myself to which she explained. Any mums out there had the same thing with their daughters? i can kind of understand why she didnt tell me, but at the same time her health is the most important thing to me & if i knew what she was going through i would have got a baby sitter for my daughter and gone to look after her.

im sorry to write all this on here... but i dont really no where else to turn

xx

tufi000

My mom did the same with me.
My mom did the same with me. Her desire was for me to live my life without added stress from her situation. This was her choice. I also had to learn of things through others, and then I would tell her I knew and go from there. She kept saying how she had had a great life and I was a big part of that and to let her live her life her way. I honored that to a point and did what I felt I had to do as I became aware of things. At the end, of course we were inseparable and she was glad I was there.

It is a fuzzy line you will cross back and forth in this journey. Treasure this time, your mom sounds wonderful!!

roseann4

So sorry about your Mom.
I told my family immediately...just the way I am. Some women don't want to burden their family but I felt it was worse to keep them in the dark. She just wanted to protect you but I'm sure it has been a lonely battle. Now that she has you by her side it will make a big difference.

Was the lump in her groin related to the breast cancer? Hugs!

Roseann

ilovemymummy

roseann4 said:

So sorry about your Mom.
I told my family immediately...just the way I am. Some women don't want to burden their family but I felt it was worse to keep them in the dark. She just wanted to protect you but I'm sure it has been a lonely battle. Now that she has you by her side it will make a big difference.

Was the lump in her groin related to the breast cancer? Hugs!

Roseann

she said shes not sure if it
she said shes not sure if it has spread to that area from her breast or if its a separate lump with nothing to do with the cancer in her breast... my guess will be that its spread as its the same cancer. even tho i now know whats going on... she still refuses me to help her attend appointments etc... im worrying its worse than she is telling me?

thank you for the replies xx

camul

I told my boys straight up.
Not by choice, they were 24 and 26, but they knew I was in a lot of pain. They were both finishing college, my youngest had just been diagnosed with a type of blood cancer, ET, 4 months before, and we were weighing bone marrow transplant options for him with the 26 yr old as the donor.

I had 3 big surgeries for tumors, and an 8 day stay for a blockage within the year, and I didn't want to put more on their plates. But it worked out okay, they both graduated, and if I wouldn't have told them, they said I would have denied them the choice of spending time with me.

They still make fun of me, get mad at me, tease me, not much has changed, except we make time to be together eating and playing. We took a trip to Disneyland, rented a beach house (we are from north San Diego County, but now live in Utah).

But I do understand your mom and her selflessness. She does not want to worry you, and wants everything to stay the same, even though this is not really possible.

My advice is to spend as much time with her, and explain how much it means for you to be there for her. If she is like me, I am trying not to put too much on them now (so when I really 'need' them, they are not burned out).

Just love her and spend as much time with her as she will allow. She will 'need' you at some point.

Carol

disneyfan2008

I told my daughters' as
I told my daughters' as little as I could...which may not be the right thing. MY youngest was then...16 and other 21. WE have the need to protect from the evils of the world. NOT TO HURT OR leave out our kids just to someone protect them.

Denise

faith_trust_and_a_little_bit_of_chemotherapy

disneyfan2008 said:

I told my daughters' as
I told my daughters' as little as I could...which may not be the right thing. MY youngest was then...16 and other 21. WE have the need to protect from the evils of the world. NOT TO HURT OR leave out our kids just to someone protect them.

Denise

Straight forward, honest and direct
I brought my then 14 year old daughter to the surgeon's office for my appointment following up the week long myriad of tests that he'd ordered after my mammogram. I had two reasons, 1. I wanted her to hear from the doctor exactly what was happening. 2. I wanted the surgeon to see that cancer has a face. He initially asked if I was certain I wanted her there, and I responded with an unequivocal yes.

Even at 14, my daughter was a source of great comfort and her wisdom dazzled me. She didn't need to say much, but when she did it is was encouraging. Too, sometimes she'd just hug me, tug to adjust a slipping head scarf, or peek in to make sure I was covered and take a cat off my bed.

Your mother had her reasons, now may not be the best time to analyze them, just be gentle with her. There's nothing wrong with being at a loss for words, I personally wish that more people would think before speaking, posting, texting and I definitely think it's OK to have an unexpressed thought.

Actions speak louder than words.

AngieD

faith_trust_and_a_little_bit_of_chemotherapy said:

Straight forward, honest and direct
I brought my then 14 year old daughter to the surgeon's office for my appointment following up the week long myriad of tests that he'd ordered after my mammogram. I had two reasons, 1. I wanted her to hear from the doctor exactly what was happening. 2. I wanted the surgeon to see that cancer has a face. He initially asked if I was certain I wanted her there, and I responded with an unequivocal yes.

Even at 14, my daughter was a source of great comfort and her wisdom dazzled me. She didn't need to say much, but when she did it is was encouraging. Too, sometimes she'd just hug me, tug to adjust a slipping head scarf, or peek in to make sure I was covered and take a cat off my bed.

Your mother had her reasons, now may not be the best time to analyze them, just be gentle with her. There's nothing wrong with being at a loss for words, I personally wish that more people would think before speaking, posting, texting and I definitely think it's OK to have an unexpressed thought.

Actions speak louder than words.

I'm sure your Mom did that
I'm sure your Mom did that with what she thought were your best interests at heart. But, if it were me, I would tell her that now knowing is so much worse than knowing, and that you feel hurt that others know things about her condition that you do not. And that you want to be there for her and share what she is going through. Just my thoughts.
Angie

grams2jc

I told my daughter both times now...
But I have also worked very hard not to let this round of cancer taint the joy of the birth of her daughter in January. I wouldn't let her take me to appts, etc. even though I couldn't drive because I didn't want her memories of her little girl's first months to include all of this baloney.

We moms just want to protect our kids,

Jennifer