Advice for Caregiver (How can I best Help my Wife)

Howkoolguy
Howkoolguy Member Posts: 4
in Breast Cancer #1
My wife was diagnosed just after thanksgiving and had bilateral mastectomy in January. We have completed two treatments of AC and have two more left followed by 12 weeks of Taxol. She is scared (lost both her mom and grandmother to breast cancer) and stubborn. She is losing her hair quickly now.

I already accompany her to almost all of her appointments and treatments, but I want ot make sure I am doing everything I can to help her. From those of you who have been through it, I am looking for advice on what I can do to help her. What is the one or two things that someone did for you (or you wish were done for you) to make this difficult road easier? I know that I cannot stop the side effects of chemo, but I would like to ease her burden.

Thanks for any help you can provide

Howkoolguy

Comments

  • jessiesmom1
    jessiesmom1 Member Posts: 915 Member
    #2
    Being a Caregiver
    First let me say that merely by coming to this site and asking for input you ARE cool - just like your screen name says. I am impressed already. At the time of my diagnosis I had been married for 22 years and had a 16 year old daughter at home in her senior year of high school and a 19 year old son (not at home) in college. After my mastectomy I had 4 rounds of A/C and 12 rounds of Taxotere. My husband was tremendously supportive. I must say he truly lived up to those marriage vows - for better or WORSE and in SICKNESS and health. It is 19 months since my last chemo infusion. Here are the things he did that I will always remember:

    1. He went to every single medical appointment and participated by asking questions.
    2. During the A/C rounds he made me a fruit smoothie to take with me to chemo to help prevent mouth sores - and I never got any.
    3. When I became too weak to make dinner he did it without complaint. It made me crazy that he got dinner on the table much later than I would have but it was better than having him and my daughter starve.
    4. He and my daughter did the laundry.
    5. As disgusting as it sounds, he emptied the vomit bucket when I couldn't get out of bed.
    6. When I cried and said, "I just can't do this anymore" as we pulled up in front of the doctor's office he said, "Yes you can. You have to. We need you." He had been planning to go to a meeting and dropping me off for my chemo but instead he came upstairs with me.
    7. He never once flinched or said anything negative about my vastly altered appearance.
    8. He "buzzed" my head when I started losing my hair and it just looked ridiculous.

    I wish both you and your wife much luck.

    IRENE
  • grams2jc
    grams2jc Member Posts: 756
    #3
    I love that you say "we"
    Have completed 2 a/c treatments.

    You have gotten really good advice already. With all of the wonderful things you are doing don't forget sometimes she needs some alone, down time.

    Good luck to you both, and hang in there!

    Jennifer
  • Howkoolguy
    Howkoolguy Member Posts: 4
    #4
    jessiesmom1 said:

    Being a Caregiver
    First let me say that merely by coming to this site and asking for input you ARE cool - just like your screen name says. I am impressed already. At the time of my diagnosis I had been married for 22 years and had a 16 year old daughter at home in her senior year of high school and a 19 year old son (not at home) in college. After my mastectomy I had 4 rounds of A/C and 12 rounds of Taxotere. My husband was tremendously supportive. I must say he truly lived up to those marriage vows - for better or WORSE and in SICKNESS and health. It is 19 months since my last chemo infusion. Here are the things he did that I will always remember:

    1. He went to every single medical appointment and participated by asking questions.
    2. During the A/C rounds he made me a fruit smoothie to take with me to chemo to help prevent mouth sores - and I never got any.
    3. When I became too weak to make dinner he did it without complaint. It made me crazy that he got dinner on the table much later than I would have but it was better than having him and my daughter starve.
    4. He and my daughter did the laundry.
    5. As disgusting as it sounds, he emptied the vomit bucket when I couldn't get out of bed.
    6. When I cried and said, "I just can't do this anymore" as we pulled up in front of the doctor's office he said, "Yes you can. You have to. We need you." He had been planning to go to a meeting and dropping me off for my chemo but instead he came upstairs with me.
    7. He never once flinched or said anything negative about my vastly altered appearance.
    8. He "buzzed" my head when I started losing my hair and it just looked ridiculous.

    I wish both you and your wife much luck.

    IRENE

    Thanks and Your Husband Sounds like a Keeper
    Thanks Irene. Your husband sounds like a gem. I like the idea of the fruit smoothie. My wife is scared of mouth sores although she has none yet.

    Thanks again and I hope you are doing well.

    Howkoolguy
  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
    #5
    wow...just asking is
    wow...just asking is great..i have great hubby of 27 yrs but after my lumpectomy and hysterectomy he was about as much help as a snail. Great of you to inquire and think like you do.

    I have not gone through all your wife has but if you just offer things or bring things to her without her asking. I could have used MORAL support would have been the best> I am not sure if mine was scare or unsure what to say or do-but it was hurtful to me (even if not intended to be hurtful) So you are on the right track for sure asking this panel.

    Denise
  • Rague
    Rague Member Posts: 3,653 Member
    #6
    Let her be who she is and
    Let her be who she is and you be who you are. Be there to support her in the ways she needs/wants. That is not the same for all and do not fall into the "this is what you have to do'". You know her and know her needs and can learn so much more by listening to the words and body language.

    I seriously doubt that some of what my Hubby (of 35 yrs) has done for me along the journey would apply to you and your lovely Lady but might give you some ideas to be a bit off the wall. We live where it is very brutal in the winter - he brought me a new pair of bibs. I have a 4X4 truck and a Bronco II - he brought home new chains for them as a 'just in case'. He brought home 3 belt blanks for me to carve one day - I love doing leather carving. He got me a gift certificate to my favoite plant nursery. It was before BC but for one Mother's Day he got me an electric chainsaw (I did sort of need it as his gas chain saw didn't 'like' me LOL). He doesn't bring me any of the usual 'things' most men give their wife BUT everything he gives me has been thought out and is something I want/need.

    Hubby only went to one appt. with me during active TX. It was really bad for him and worse for me seeing what he was going through (he lost his Mom at 9 to cervical cancer). I took myself to all my chemos and rads as I did not want him sitting there seeing me be 'poisoned'. Anything I ask for he's there and as I said comes up with well thought out things though not always what most men give their wife.

    Listen not only with your ears but with your eyes and heart/soul and do what she needs - not what someone says is what to do. Bew true to her and you.

    Prayers!

    Susan
  • tufi000
    tufi000 Member Posts: 745 Member
    #7
    I can only say this...
    My guy was lost if he couldn't see something he could "do" to fix me or help me. Just try not to see what she is dealing with through your eyes and how you would handle it or think she should handle it. Don't judge how she is coping. LOTS of hugs, little pets, and don't be afraid to hurt her, ask how not to if you want to. It's the little things that reaffirm her identity as the woman and companion in your life, not the things you do necessarily. Going into the den all night away....check on her once in awhile or use an intercom set up. The nights, when the scenarios come..try to be there.

    Emotional isolation was the worst for me even though the house was not empty.

    She is soooo lucky to have you, I am sure you will both do well. And take care of yourself. If you get exhausted you won't be good for either of you. Take time for you without guilt, it is necessary.

    All the best
  • New Flower
    New Flower Member Posts: 4,294
    #8
    tufi000 said:

    I can only say this...
    My guy was lost if he couldn't see something he could "do" to fix me or help me. Just try not to see what she is dealing with through your eyes and how you would handle it or think she should handle it. Don't judge how she is coping. LOTS of hugs, little pets, and don't be afraid to hurt her, ask how not to if you want to. It's the little things that reaffirm her identity as the woman and companion in your life, not the things you do necessarily. Going into the den all night away....check on her once in awhile or use an intercom set up. The nights, when the scenarios come..try to be there.

    Emotional isolation was the worst for me even though the house was not empty.

    She is soooo lucky to have you, I am sure you will both do well. And take care of yourself. If you get exhausted you won't be good for either of you. Take time for you without guilt, it is necessary.

    All the best

    Chemo usually affects sex life
    You are a very good husband. You have not said about your wife;s age. The one thing I wish I was told that intimate relationships could be tested and Chemo was affecting my sex life. I know this is the last thing you would like to think right now, however there is normal after Chemo and we all human and would like our life to be full.
    American Cancer Society has a book "Sexuality for the Woman with Cancer" I am highly recommending this book for both of you.
    Good luck with Taxol treatment and all the best
    New Flower
  • Frankie Shannon
    Frankie Shannon Member Posts: 457
    #9
    Make sure you hug here lots
    Make sure you hug here lots and tell her you love her,as mentally she is going through a lot and just be there for her.

    Hugs Frankie
  • Lighthouse_7
    Lighthouse_7 Member Posts: 1,566 Member
    #10
    Frankie Shannon said:

    Make sure you hug here lots
    Make sure you hug here lots and tell her you love her,as mentally she is going through a lot and just be there for her.

    Hugs Frankie

    Other than all the things
    Other than all the things mentioned, I think just letting her be herself through bad moods, sad moods and the quick flip flop that occurs from one to another.
    Always remember not to take it personally because these mood swings are completely natural although hard to take sometimes.
    You sound like a wonderful husband and I know you are doing everything for her that you can.
    God bless you and your wife and thanks for asking.
    Hugs,
    Wanda
  • carkris
    carkris Member Posts: 4,553 Member
    #11
    Lighthouse_7 said:

    Other than all the things
    Other than all the things mentioned, I think just letting her be herself through bad moods, sad moods and the quick flip flop that occurs from one to another.
    Always remember not to take it personally because these mood swings are completely natural although hard to take sometimes.
    You sound like a wonderful husband and I know you are doing everything for her that you can.
    God bless you and your wife and thanks for asking.
    Hugs,
    Wanda

    cant add much to the above.
    cant add much to the above. make sure you listen and do what she needs, not what you Think she needs. Communication is important. Try not to take it personally when she is cranky, she loves and appreciates you she is just having a hard time and you are the one closest. Breast Cancer Husband is a good book. keep us updated you are a gem!
  • missrenee
    missrenee Member Posts: 2,136 Member
    #12
    carkris said:

    cant add much to the above.
    cant add much to the above. make sure you listen and do what she needs, not what you Think she needs. Communication is important. Try not to take it personally when she is cranky, she loves and appreciates you she is just having a hard time and you are the one closest. Breast Cancer Husband is a good book. keep us updated you are a gem!

    You do sound like a gem
    You've gotten good advice here (as usually happens in this forum), so there's not much I can add. I'm another lucky lady here who also has a gem. Some days when I hurt so much I just cried, my husband would gently hold me--sometimes as long as 20 minutes or so. I felt so loved and protected. No matter how "cranky" or sad I got, he never, ever lost his temper with me or got frustrated--I really don't know how he did it.

    So, I guess what I'm saying is you might need more patience than ever right now and show her how much you love her in any ways that feel right to you.

    Good job, cool guy. Wish more guys were like you.

    Hugs, Renee
  • mamolady
    mamolady Member Posts: 796 Member
    #13
    Koolguy,
    Everyone pretty
    Koolguy,
    Everyone pretty much has it covered! I think because you are looking for advise, you already are doing all that you can. Please remember that even if it seems like you aren't doing much, you are probably way undervaluing all that you are doing.
    My sister went with me to almost all of my appointments, she got me out of the house, she brought over things I needed. When I gave her a small thank you gift, she said she really didn't feel like she did anything.
    Even though you can't go through this for her, you are going through it with her. That is more amazing than you will ever now.

    Cindy
  • laughs_a_lot
    laughs_a_lot Member Posts: 1,368 Member
    #14
    Be sure to
    tell her she still looks sexy.
  • pinkkari09
    pinkkari09 Member Posts: 877
    #15
    You are one cool guy. Bless
    You are one cool guy. Bless your heart for being such a loving/caring husband. Great advice already said here, I have nothing to add, and just want to welcome you aboard and wish you all the best.
    Kari
  • palmas
    palmas Member Posts: 1
    #16
    breast cancer survivor
    n April 04' I found a lump in my left breast. I called the local breast clinic and the receptionist told me I was too young to have breast cancer and told me to have my lump checked out by my obgyn. She asked if I really knew how to give a breast examine and that there was naturally bumps in your breast. After a visit to the obgyn, I was referred to the breast clinic ASAP. At the breast clinic, I had a mammogram, MRI, CT scan, x-ray, ultra-sound, and needle core biopsy. All tests came back benign and in documented reports I was told no follow up was recommened. After the lump became bothersome and grew to be a whole "cup size" in my bra I scheduled a lumpectomy. The lump removed was 6.6 centimeters and stage 3 primary angiosarcoma of the breast. I could not believe that I was misdiagnosed prior with all those tests and the size of my tumor.
    I live with fear and i had my families closer to me and they gave me the courage to believe in miracles.It's amazing to feel God work in my life. I am able to minister to others who need his love. Anytime I am feeling weak, I open the bible and read the word of God and through his word I am lifted up. It amazes me how God is always there for me and keeps me positive.Get your strength from God. All things are possible through him. Have 100% faith that healing is in God's will for you. Cherish and appreciate everything you have.
    From there i was directed to traditional Dr in Cameroon,of which i still had the fear in me and i and my housband contact him and he gave us all his requirement on how to start my treatment,we did as he said.please i can be of help to you and your wife,if and only you believe in miracles from God and also believe in traditional treatment.
    Please if you need my assistant for a successful treatment,feel free to contact me thruogh email:luciapalmas21@gmail.com
    Palmas.
  • Howkoolguy
    Howkoolguy Member Posts: 4
    #17
    palmas said:

    breast cancer survivor
    n April 04' I found a lump in my left breast. I called the local breast clinic and the receptionist told me I was too young to have breast cancer and told me to have my lump checked out by my obgyn. She asked if I really knew how to give a breast examine and that there was naturally bumps in your breast. After a visit to the obgyn, I was referred to the breast clinic ASAP. At the breast clinic, I had a mammogram, MRI, CT scan, x-ray, ultra-sound, and needle core biopsy. All tests came back benign and in documented reports I was told no follow up was recommened. After the lump became bothersome and grew to be a whole "cup size" in my bra I scheduled a lumpectomy. The lump removed was 6.6 centimeters and stage 3 primary angiosarcoma of the breast. I could not believe that I was misdiagnosed prior with all those tests and the size of my tumor.
    I live with fear and i had my families closer to me and they gave me the courage to believe in miracles.It's amazing to feel God work in my life. I am able to minister to others who need his love. Anytime I am feeling weak, I open the bible and read the word of God and through his word I am lifted up. It amazes me how God is always there for me and keeps me positive.Get your strength from God. All things are possible through him. Have 100% faith that healing is in God's will for you. Cherish and appreciate everything you have.
    From there i was directed to traditional Dr in Cameroon,of which i still had the fear in me and i and my housband contact him and he gave us all his requirement on how to start my treatment,we did as he said.please i can be of help to you and your wife,if and only you believe in miracles from God and also believe in traditional treatment.
    Please if you need my assistant for a successful treatment,feel free to contact me thruogh email:luciapalmas21@gmail.com
    Palmas.

    Thanks to All of You
    Thanks to all of you for the advice and kind words. I was looking for a carrying and supportive place and clearly have found it. Best wishes to all of you and thanks again.
  • VickiSam
    VickiSam Member Posts: 9,079 Member
    #18
    Howkoolguy said:

    Thanks to All of You
    Thanks to all of you for the advice and kind words. I was looking for a carrying and supportive place and clearly have found it. Best wishes to all of you and thanks again.

    Koolguy -- YOU ROCK!!!!
    My husband was right besides me during my chemo insanity -- and breast cancer
    journey --

    There will be many highs, and lows -- so bucket yourself in, and prepare for
    the 'roller coaster' many of us refer to as 'our breast cancer journey'. We
    are here for you 24/7 -- so post often -- .

    Gentle hugs to you, and your wife.

    Strength, Courage and HOPE for a Cure.

    Vicki Sam
  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
    #19
    Have you heard the song:
    Have you heard the song: Love you through this? (or close to that) country song...


    Denise
  • Howkoolguy
    Howkoolguy Member Posts: 4
    #20
    disneyfan2008 said:

    Have you heard the song:
    Have you heard the song: Love you through this? (or close to that) country song...


    Denise

    I know the song well
    I actually heard the song while at work late one night just a few days after Elaine's diagnosis. It is sung by Martina McBride (one of my favorite country stars). I have it on my i-Pod. It is kinda my song to recenter my self on when I am feeling useless and lost. It reminds me what I need to do for my wife and kids.

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