I cry crocodile tears for Mark

KLScoville

Hello all,

I went back to the time I first started posting on CSN to reread what I have wrote and all the great replies. I saved them to my computer to reflect on the Journey that my loving husband took in 2011. I still miss him so much. I have a journal that I write in daily to Mark. I constantly cry crocodile tears from the time I wake up 'alone' in the morning til the time I go to bed at night 'alone'. I absolutely hate my new life without Mark. I have never ever experienced this pain of a broken heart in my life. Everyday is a reminder of last year's events.

I have been going to a support group on Tuesday nights (except for the last two) and have a grief counselor come by once a week or every other week. I am constantly sad and everyone I know has accepted the fact that I will never be the "same old Kelly".

Yesterday I went into one of our bedside drawers and found all the cards that Mark got for me during our life together. I brought them out here and I am going to display the ones for the time of the holiday eg: Valentines Day coming up. He put so much thought in these cards then and they still have great meaning to me to this day. I am having a real hard time with him being gone...wishing that this was just all a bad dream.

My Mark is a very unique person and I know I will never find another man like him. He is one of a kind. A friend of mine posted this below as a message for me. It made me think of our togetherness a different way.

"Kelly - Hey you - When you were here, you said something that stuck with me - you wondered how God could find you the perfect man, give you six years, and then take him from you. I kept pondering that statement you made and asked God why He would do that - although He always has a plan for our lives - this is what I felt after a few weeks of thinking on it. I believe God was a part of the two of you being together, but God knows our beginning from our end and He KNEW Mark was going to die in a few years. Try looking at it His way - Instead of God giving you to Mark - I believe He gave Mark to you - Mark needed to find the love of his life before he left this earth. God gave him that in YOU. God made Mark's last years of his life the happiest years of his entire life - He did that through you. Know that you made his life on this earth finally worthwhile. God gave him YOU. I love you and I want to see you at peace again. Your FB postings show your sorrow, but God used you - Find honor in that. Hope I worded this right - wouldnt want to make you feel worse or insulted - love you Kelly-Donna B."

Sorry this is so long, I felt that I needed to type.

Everyone take care and God Bless!!
~Kelly
wife of Mark Scoville RIP 11/14/11 NSCLC w/mets

mrsptsu2012

Tears for Mark
Kelly; I am so sorry I haven't been on in awhile as I lost my husband 10/14/11. We are just a month apart with our sorrow. As like Mark, my husband was and is everything to me. I am so sorry for your loss. I am now dealing with my sister's reoccurring ovarian cancer. She is a 3 yr survivor and now it has spread to her pelvic area and outside of her organs. She is my only sister and I am not ready to loose her too. I will be thinking of you.

lovingwifedeb

Timing is everything
Kelly,

It's been a long while since I have haunted this site... my anger, my tears, my frustration, my loneliness, my grief written on it's walls. I'm not even sure why I came back tonight except to say I am so glad that I did. Kelly, you have a very wise friend. Our grief consumes us, takes our very breath away. I know that I was left thinking so many dark thoughts, so many angry projections towards a God I hardly know. The man who brought light into my life, who brought sanity into my world left me and my heart aching and broken that I thought I would die.

Your friend's perspective makes so much more sense to me. We all know our days are numbered... some are touched by tragedy... some not so much. But I do know my life has been full of lessons including those in my marriage. Why not in my husband's death? Please thank your friend for me for if I gave my husband's heart that kind of fulfillment than it would equal my grief and I would definitely need to be done with feeling sorry for myself I think.

I know each of us grieves in our own way but hearts are made for love and in that path lies risk. With a heavy heart I place one foot in front of the other in hope that one day my heart is whole again.

Peace to all.
Deb

lovingwife to Bob, RIP May 27, 2011 - melanoma
Mother, RIP May 19, 2011 - lung cancer

Noellesmom

lovingwifedeb said:

Timing is everything
Kelly,

It's been a long while since I have haunted this site... my anger, my tears, my frustration, my loneliness, my grief written on it's walls. I'm not even sure why I came back tonight except to say I am so glad that I did. Kelly, you have a very wise friend. Our grief consumes us, takes our very breath away. I know that I was left thinking so many dark thoughts, so many angry projections towards a God I hardly know. The man who brought light into my life, who brought sanity into my world left me and my heart aching and broken that I thought I would die.

Your friend's perspective makes so much more sense to me. We all know our days are numbered... some are touched by tragedy... some not so much. But I do know my life has been full of lessons including those in my marriage. Why not in my husband's death? Please thank your friend for me for if I gave my husband's heart that kind of fulfillment than it would equal my grief and I would definitely need to be done with feeling sorry for myself I think.

I know each of us grieves in our own way but hearts are made for love and in that path lies risk. With a heavy heart I place one foot in front of the other in hope that one day my heart is whole again.

Peace to all.
Deb

lovingwife to Bob, RIP May 27, 2011 - melanoma
Mother, RIP May 19, 2011 - lung cancer

good see your post, Deb
You are in my thoughts.