Telling friends

gc123
gc123 Member Posts: 5
DCIS - less than a 1/4"
My lumpectomy was on Jan 18 had my followup with surgeon Jan 27th.
Path report - margins not clear. and microinvasion.
Surgeons suggestion - re excision for clear margins and a node biopsy

My coworker/friend - concerned for me - which I appreciate.
She called me that night after my follow up. Questions questions questions!
I was worn out from thinking about it all. My daughter was keeping me company. I just wanted to veg out for awhile.
I truly appreciate her concern but giving me horror stories about other people's chemotherapy (losing hair - it coming back orange and curly)
was not appropriate. I quietly told her that I had decisions to make - difficult ones. I was getting a second opinion. She needed more!
She has a lot of problems herself - health and family- maybe she just needs to hear someone else can I have problems too.
She is very vocal about all her problems - tells everyone. I'm a private person - I don't think I need to tell the world everything.
How do you deal with telling friends and coworkers? Right now until I get all my info together - I've only told a few people at work - actually 3 - I have not told my supervisors yet - waiting until I know more!

Comments

  • GMcD
    GMcD Member Posts: 134
    Unless a person has been
    Unless a person has been there, they have no idea what you are going through. And, in my opinion, no one should tell any horror stories. You handle things your way, and everyone on this board will help with any questions or concerns you have. Two years ago I was where you are and some relatives were sure I wouldn't be here today. I was terrified, which is normal, but these folks here were my inspiration. Warmest thoughts and best wishes to you.
  • GMcD
    GMcD Member Posts: 134
    Unless a person has been
    Unless a person has been there, they have no idea what you are going through. And, in my opinion, no one should tell any horror stories. You handle things your way, and everyone on this board will help with any questions or concerns you have. Two years ago I was where you are and some relatives were sure I wouldn't be here today. I was terrified, which is normal, but these folks here were my inspiration. Warmest thoughts and best wishes to you.
  • GMcD
    GMcD Member Posts: 134
    GMcD said:

    Unless a person has been
    Unless a person has been there, they have no idea what you are going through. And, in my opinion, no one should tell any horror stories. You handle things your way, and everyone on this board will help with any questions or concerns you have. Two years ago I was where you are and some relatives were sure I wouldn't be here today. I was terrified, which is normal, but these folks here were my inspiration. Warmest thoughts and best wishes to you.

    Sorry, double post.

    Sorry, double post.
  • MAJW
    MAJW Member Posts: 2,510 Member
    Screen your calls...
    Screen your calls.....you need time and space to come to grips with what is happening to you...Don't be afraid to tell people you're just not up to discussing the particulars...if they get offended, so be it...true friends will certainly understand...stay true to your private self....only reveal what you want and to whom you want....you're going to hear horror stories about the neighbors, cousin's Mother's sister having bc....best advice my surgeon gave me...when people start their stories, stop them and say. " I get my medical info from my physicians..". I would and do stop people when they start telling me " stories"...I simply say, "If this doesn't have a happy ending, pardon me, but I don't want to hear it!" people will say stupid things to you....this " friend/coworker" sounds like someone you should limit how much time you spend with her...don't let other people's problems become your own....you need all your time and energy to focus on yourself....

    And the chemo horror stories are just that...yes, it's no day a the beach but they've come such a long way in managing side effects....very doable for the majority....yes my hair came back curly but it certainly wasn't orange....that's a new one !

    Keep us posted...we get it, we understand and we care...
    Hugs, Nancy
  • RE
    RE Member Posts: 4,591 Member
    Not appropreate
    You do not need to share any of your medical information with anyone you do not want to share it with. If you do not have an answering machine or a way to derive who is calling I would invest in one so that you can avoid chatting with someone such as this. If you feel that you have to chat with this person make it clear at the start of the conversation that your medical situation is intensely personal and you do not wish to discuss it and hearing about other peoples horror stories is a tad upsetting (more like very upsetting). Be kind but firm, is she continues to want to know about your personal information tell her you have to go and end the conversation. She is being intrusive and rather nosey, none of this is her concern. If she cares about you she should have no problem understanding that it is difficult to discuss this and she should chat about something else!

    Hugs,

    RE
  • Melaniedoingwell
    Melaniedoingwell Member Posts: 80
    dealing with others
    It is imperative for your well being that you guard your peace. I don't think that MOST people intend to be harmful to that but they frequently are, especially people who have NOT walked this road.

    Perhaps you should develop a nice phrase such as "I appreciate your concern and encouragement (even if it is WAY not encouraging), I need to get off the phone now (or go rest - whatever), so keep me in your prayers please." and HANG UP, disengage, leave, kick them out of your house, you see where I'm going with this.

    I had a carefully selected inner circle and asked them to help me with people who were not helpful to my health and well-being. You have a right to not tell anyone ANYTHING if you don't want to. And it is okay to tell people you do not wish to discuss it. It is YOUR business and not theirs. Set your boundaries and only let those who you want to let in cross those boundaries.

    You can do this. Good luck on your journey
  • Rague
    Rague Member Posts: 3,653 Member
    I wasn't working when DX'd.
    I wasn't working when DX'd. Very SMALL family - literally Hubby, Son and G-daughter. Son's GF at the time was an idjot - told me exactly what would happen to me as she knew 'someone' - not going to say all she thought but she was 100% WRONG. I was polite to her but educated her (at least I tried to 'educate' her). Well then her Mother decided it was her 'responsibility' to 'explain' to Hubby and Son what to be ready for - they set her straight before I paid her a visit.

    Most of my friends are involved with horses so they kind of figured out when we had a head shaving party at the barn when son used the horse clippers on my head and then Son and our other 'Sons' did the same.

    In some ways I am a very private person but I am also very open. If I get asked something by someone who is out of line asking it they will be quite definately be put in their place with me sometimes turning the air blue. If honest questions, I may give the personal info or I may just turn it into general education. I'm always ready to give general info to debunk the half-truths or outright fiction.

    I've had the most problems with are from 2 local churches (I've never attended either). They decided to come and tell me that I couldn't mow my own grass because I have BC. I love to mow grass and my Drs think it's great for me to do (do anything you want ). The fist few times I thought it was sort of funny. Then it turned into them confronting Hubby while he was outside while I was mowing about how low he was for "making me mow". He doesn't make me mow - he couldn't stop me as long as I can - I make him 'weed eat' because I hate doing it. I also have a couple of other yards I mow to help out (don't get paid - they are great people and keeping their yards mowed helps them and I have fun doing it) that they went to and told them that their youth group would take over because I have Cancer so shouldn't be made to mow.

    Point is you owe this person NOTHING. You say you've told 3 people at work - it's already made it to your Supervivsor. It has been passed on as rumors . (Think about the whisper game and it changes from the start to the end.) The sooner you actually talk with your Supervisors and give them what you know, the less all the rumors spread.

    Good luck!

    Susan
  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
    I am sure she means well HOW
    I am sure she means well HOW about Just say I am not up to talking anymore about this but thanks for your concern!

    Denise
  • missrenee
    missrenee Member Posts: 2,136 Member

    I am sure she means well HOW
    I am sure she means well HOW about Just say I am not up to talking anymore about this but thanks for your concern!

    Denise

    You know--I'm usually a nice person, but
    I got really tired of making excuses for people who "really meant well." Telling you horror stories when you're about to start on an unknown journey is just plain ignorant. I had one woman in an early support group I joined tell me that the chemo I was taking was NOT going to help get rid of my cancer one bit and would probably kill me! I didn't walk--I ran from that place. Another acquaintance proceeded to tell me about the "horrible" death her mother endured after a fight with breast cancer. Unbelievable. I agree with the call-screening technique. I had my husband answer all calls (or use your machine), he'd say, "Oh, hello, so and so" and look at me. I'd either give him a thumbs up or a thumbs down.

    You need all the positive people you can get in your life right now--surround yourself with only those who boost you up and make you feel loved and happy. Also, some say people just don't know what to do or say and they feel uncomfortable. I say, it's not your job right now to make others feel comfortable about your situation. Your only job is to take the help, caring and love you get from those around you and take whatever steps you decide to get well.

    My most positive energy and prayers go out to you.

    Hugs, Renee

    P.S. Sorry if I got on my soapbox here, but this was a big issue to me and I desperately wanted to surround myself with positivity and love.
  • laughs_a_lot
    laughs_a_lot Member Posts: 1,368 Member
    My supervisor
    My supervisor was the last to know. I am very protective of such information when it comes to my job.