Lost my mom a month ago to cancer, and not sure how to deal with it..

StarringJul

Hello. My name is Julia and I am new to this site. On December 1st at 6:30 I lost my mom to leukemia. My mom had gone through a lot and it was so hard to watch her deteriorate before my eyes. She was diagnosed in March and the doctors all said that because shewas 50 that she had a really good chance on fighting and winning. So we all went on with a clinical trial, which worked, and right before her transplant she went into remission. However she underwent a bone marrow transplant and things seemed to be taking well. She was in the hospital a month and finally got to come home. That was short lived bc she was home for 2 weeks before a complication from the transplant happened. It was always one thing after another and she never came home after that except for the 4 days she came home with hospice before she passed. She died in our living room surrounded by her family. It wasnt even a year that she found out she was sick to when she died. It was and still is the hardest time of my life. I go to classes each day looking happy and just trying to get through everyday but I hate having to act okay. My friends dont seem to care. My dad and I argue more than we ever did and all my family lives outta state. I dont know how to cope and accept what has happened. I come home everyday expecting her to be here still. I dont know who to talk to because no ones knows what its like to feel this kind of pain.

cosmic_me

From the depths of my heart
From the depths of my heart Julia I am so sorry you have to endure the tragic loss of your mom. I promise you are not alone. I lost my mom just 13 days after you lost yours. Our journey into hell began in Feb of last year. For over 9 months I watched my precious mother being visciously attacked by cancer. It was horrific. I provided care for her at home. It seemed like last year was the year of complete and total vile hell. Every day something more awful was added to the equation. I know exactly what you went through. We traveled across our state with exhausted hope and each time it was met with dispair. Home health and hospice were angels for me and mom. I still can't believe she's gone now. In January of last year we talked about what good health she had been in and what our individual goals for the new year would be. For me this has been a living nightmare.

I'm glad you have found this place. It has been a true blessing for me. If nothing more then to vent or pour out my thoughts and confusion in all of this. I didn't know this place existed until after mom died. Both my parents and my brother are now all gone. I am officially an adult orphan.

It's ironic you mention that your friends don't seem to care. I often think that as well but way down deep inside I believe not only do they care they probably wish they could remove all our pain and anguish over this loss completely away. They just don't know what to say so they avoid. We envy that they don't carry this. There are days I still want every one to just stop for 5 minutes and realize someone so amazing has left this earth. Did Hospice leave you with contact information about grief counseling? I'm not sure if every Hospice offers this but in our area they offer this. I have filled out questionaires and spoken to a counselor once. It's very hard to take that key we hide inside of us and open those files of emotions for complete strangers. I need to go and if you can I think you and your father both should consider this as a vehicle to let out some of that anger properly instead of directing it at one another. Don't forget that anger is a common part in all of this. I don't have anyone close to me to direct that at so I try to think of someone to be mad at and I'm doing a real bang up job on God these days. I've been told he understands and he's strong enough to take it. Thats why I like this place. You have found a commonality here

Again, I swear I do know your pain and so many here do as well. As you read the many posts you will begin to say to yourself "wow, I could have written that" There are some very wise people here who will give you great words of wisdom to apply or to let you know you aren't alone. I think our loved ones watching us struggle send us here for comfort knowing we need it.

TamB

Mom is home with hospice right now
Hi Julia. My name is Sophia and my mom has been battling ovarian cancer for over a year now and home with hospice also. I actually just joined this website because i read your post. My mom just turned 50 a few months ago also, so she is really young just like your mom. I really don't know how to deal with this either. Having her home with hospice is the worst situation ever. I don't want to believe that she is going to be gone anytime soon. I am feeling the pain right now and didn't think anyone else would understand until i read your post.

sharpy102

I got it
Hey StarringJul:

I would say "welcome to the forum" but....it's not really a welcome to be here...if you know what I mean. Reading your post made me go back to time when I was battling and fighting with my Mom's loss....she only lived 3 months after she was diagnosed and I never accepted it for a second that she'll leave...never. Not even then when I was taking care of her (no hospice in our case) and seeing her disappearing day after day. I was truly believing that I can do it, I can push buttons, and just because physicians have given up on her I won't. And I didn't...but I did lose the battle. It is the hardest thing to face...and although it's been two years now...I often think myself "did I do the best? Could I have done something else that maybe would have let her stay alive?" It's haunting me and not going away. And like you, I'm going to school and day by day pretend that I'm all right, but I'm not. I feel some sort of hate inside me...not against Mom...somehow against the world...I hear other kids to complain about their mom and I feel like I wish I could yank them by the collar and yell at them "be happy you have them". But then I just swallow hard...sometimes I even imagine what it would be like to have her when I'll finish high school....or when I'll start college...or when I'll fall in love, or get married or whatever. She is missing out on sooooooooooooo many things and I could have spent soooooo many more years with her. She would only be 34 at the summer...but she's nowhere. I really understand what you are going through and I wish I could say what cures this, but, honestly, nothing. Only time heals...it never will heal completely...but you'll come to a point when you'll be able to remember good things too. I feel lucky in the sense that I've got to keep her ashes, so I (secretly) take her to school in my bag pack everyday, and I even sleep with her. It is very very comforting for me. This way, I feel like she hasn't left...she is here with me...even now as I'm typing this! She is always going to be with me...
All the best and don't hesitate to PM me if you'd like to cry, or ask, or whatever, okay?
Take care,
- Sophie

radevaelena

Hugs
Hi Julia, I lost my mom to breast cancer last October so I know there is nothing I could say that would make it better for you.......I now live with my dad and try not to argue with him...it's hard for both of us....so maybe you could try to limit those moments...I also have a hard time wanting to go out of the house and meet with people - I am 36, single, so I should be out - I used to be a social butterfly with tons of friends and always out - but now I catch myself I want to stay home, which I think is unhealthy but I do want to keep company to my dad...I definitely do not practice what I preach, but I would encourage you to remain active and keep on doing whatever you've done before...I also did not dream of my mom at the beginning but now I regularly have dreams with her and it makes me happy!!!! I feel I connect with her so I hope you could dream of your mom too and it makes you feel good...I think about her every single day (and cry) and I feel that if there is a day that I do not, I would be very sad....like I forgot about her and let it go and I don't want to...You will find for yourself what makes sense for you and what does not....And when you feel sad maybe come to this forum...it has helped me relate to so many people and see that I am not alone in going thru the pain I am going thru...It's been over a month since I've been here last...Take care of yourself, Julia....our moms have left this world but we should continue living and they would want to see us well.....Sending you lost of hugs!!!!!!! Elena

radevaelena

sharpy102 said:

I got it
Hey StarringJul:

I would say "welcome to the forum" but....it's not really a welcome to be here...if you know what I mean. Reading your post made me go back to time when I was battling and fighting with my Mom's loss....she only lived 3 months after she was diagnosed and I never accepted it for a second that she'll leave...never. Not even then when I was taking care of her (no hospice in our case) and seeing her disappearing day after day. I was truly believing that I can do it, I can push buttons, and just because physicians have given up on her I won't. And I didn't...but I did lose the battle. It is the hardest thing to face...and although it's been two years now...I often think myself "did I do the best? Could I have done something else that maybe would have let her stay alive?" It's haunting me and not going away. And like you, I'm going to school and day by day pretend that I'm all right, but I'm not. I feel some sort of hate inside me...not against Mom...somehow against the world...I hear other kids to complain about their mom and I feel like I wish I could yank them by the collar and yell at them "be happy you have them". But then I just swallow hard...sometimes I even imagine what it would be like to have her when I'll finish high school....or when I'll start college...or when I'll fall in love, or get married or whatever. She is missing out on sooooooooooooo many things and I could have spent soooooo many more years with her. She would only be 34 at the summer...but she's nowhere. I really understand what you are going through and I wish I could say what cures this, but, honestly, nothing. Only time heals...it never will heal completely...but you'll come to a point when you'll be able to remember good things too. I feel lucky in the sense that I've got to keep her ashes, so I (secretly) take her to school in my bag pack everyday, and I even sleep with her. It is very very comforting for me. This way, I feel like she hasn't left...she is here with me...even now as I'm typing this! She is always going to be with me...
All the best and don't hesitate to PM me if you'd like to cry, or ask, or whatever, okay?
Take care,
- Sophie

Sending you lost of hugs
Hi Sophie, I am much older than you and Julie...I really can't imagine how you have to deal with the lost of your moms at an early age....It's so hard for me being in my 30s...I just wanted to say that your moms are watching over you...they have to be...