I lost my Mama

hilleryc

I know this site is for survivors, and I apologize for the dark tone of this message but I just have to get it out somewhere. I lost my best friend, Mama, and life force in May and I just cant recover. She was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer seven years ago. We attacked it. We were disheartened, but never hopeless. She lead the way and I was by her side. Together we went to every appointment, every chemo, listened to the bad news when one treatment plan wasnt working and I looked on with admoration and disbelief of the strength in her as ushered the Dr along into the next treatment plan. I will say her Dr was amazing. He never gave her a time line or limited her ability to beat the cancer. He always had another option and treatment plan ready. Even my mother's cancer was amazing, it adapted to each drug over time. It kept the Dr on his toes but he always had an answer. She even went into remission once and for a very short time before the cancer came back, even stronger than before, almost like it wanted revenge. We went through haircuts, wig shopping, surgeries, land the wig haircuts. She actually made it fun, that sounds sick but true. I was in Grad school when it all started. she saw me through school, the death of my father, and the demise of my marriage.... she held me through it all, I wouldn't have made it without her. We were soul mates. I know no one will be able to love me as much as my Mama. I washed her feet when they were dry from chemo and retainong fluid. Luckily, I'm an OT and did a rotation on lyphedema treatment and protocol. I held her at night when she tried to sleep through the deafening sound of life screaming its realities and its inevitable truths. I was beside her as we watched different parts of her body fail. I was sobbing lying on bed with her knowing that our time was ending, even then she consoles me and beggs me not to cry. Who has strength likr that? It's selfish, but the idea that the person who loved me more than anyone else in the world is gone, I am beyond lonely.I have a wonderful husband and two gorgeous children, one was just born 7 weeks ago. But still the great emptiness inside me will not heal. I just want a hug, a reassuring talk, a smile from the one person who knew me better than myself. I was at home with my mother when she passed. It is the most scary and sacred experience of my life. I still have nightmares,even awake about her death, but we went through everything else together.... I wasn't going to let her finish the long journey alone. She worked fulltime up until the week before she died. She left a legacy at a school she built that opened its arms and lovred generations of children. God worked through her in countless lives. I will never be as good as a person or mother that she was. I miss my Mama so much. I love her so much

Rague

What a beautiful testomony of your Mother!
We are all here to support each other - not just those of us who are Survivors but for all just starting the journey and those who are holding the hand (or held the hand) of ones who have made the journey.

My belief - your Mother is with you at all times. She showed you how to be strong - and you are.

I lost my Mom a bit over 30 years ago - not to BC - but she taught me so much and showed me what strength really is. There is not a day that I don't think of her or see her in somthing I do. I am a reflection of her in so many ways - as you are of your Mom. Use all she gave you to pass on to your children as she did to you.

Thoughts and prayers!

Susan

Pam5

Rague said:

What a beautiful testomony of your Mother!
We are all here to support each other - not just those of us who are Survivors but for all just starting the journey and those who are holding the hand (or held the hand) of ones who have made the journey.

My belief - your Mother is with you at all times. She showed you how to be strong - and you are.

I lost my Mom a bit over 30 years ago - not to BC - but she taught me so much and showed me what strength really is. There is not a day that I don't think of her or see her in somthing I do. I am a reflection of her in so many ways - as you are of your Mom. Use all she gave you to pass on to your children as she did to you.

Thoughts and prayers!

Susan

Let It Take It's Time
Everybody grieves differently and you can only do what you can do and feel what you can feel. It will get better. You will have better and stronger memories of her that are wonderful and positive and the spaces between the unbearable grief will get bigger. You are truly blessed to have had such a mother and I can tell you were honored to have walked with her in her last journey in this life. Take good care of yourself and talk to her whenever you want to have her close. She'll let you know she's listening.

Take care,
Pam

Frankie Shannon

I am so sorry for your loss
I am so sorry for your loss i lost one of my sons 3 years ago the 11 of this month he was 42 the pain is just as bad today as it was 3 years ago, there's not a day goes by i don't miss him and cry for him but i have to remember all the good memory's to get me through each day.Your Mom was such a strong lady and she would not want you to feel so distraught her strength and love will live on in you,they say when a loved one leaves us a new one is born and you have a precious new one,i know nothing will take her place or fill the emptiness in your heart.I hope knowing she's at peace now give's you some comfort.They say time heels all wounds but i'm not so sure about that, i do know that life does go on and i needed to pull my self together for my other children and Grandchildren.I hope you find the Strength,Courage and love in your husband and children to someday fill that emptiness and go on with your life to.

Hugs Frankie

laughs_a_lot

Sorry
So sorry to hear of the loss of your mother. She sounds like a wonderful example of what it means to be a mom. I think you will find the help you need here. You may be able to be comforted to hear the stories of other women like your mother who are doing some of the same things she did. However, if after some time here you do not feel this meets your needs you could look into a grieving support group. I know that many Hospice programs have them and they are often open to anyone.

sylvan

I know how you feel
My Mama died almost seven years ago. It hurts as much today as it did when it happened. I don't think about her every minute of every day like I used to but I still think about her several times a day. She was my hero. She was my Mama. She loved me like no one ever has or ever will. All I can do is try to honor her memory by being the best Mama that I can be to my kids.

I feel for you. It does get better. It never goes away completely but you wouldn't want it to.

I know that my mother is still with me. I feel her love and caring. As long as I live, so will she.

I know all this sounds sort of corny but I guess that's just the way it is when it comes to my Mama.

I hope you find peace.

KathiM

I'm putting my arms around you, dearheart!
I lost my mom in April. Nothing as challenging as cancer, just old age with a final note of pneumonia. She was a 2-time cancer survivor, and was a grand lady.

I have lost many in the past 7 years, and so I have developed a coping mechanism. I still remember fondly all of the people I have lost and keep them alive and safe within my heart. I don't have them visit like some do, I think it would scare the willies out of me. But I sit in the chair my beau's mom used to sit in, and most Fridays clean a smoked fish like she did so many times. And I remember my beau's dad when I eat chocolate, because he always would slip a bar into my pocket when no one was looking. And my daughter, when I hear 'Hi, mom!' from someone...it was her favorite greeting. And even my ex, whenever I smell the smoke from a nice smelling pipe.

My mom and dad were special people. They raised me well, giving me the tools that they knew someday, after they were gone, that I could use for the rest of my life. My dad, the inventor, gave me a researching mind. My mom, how to be strong, while still acting like a lady.

I hope you are someday as lucky as I am, to find a way of accepting and coping with your mom's loss...it is my biggest wish for you!

Knuffels (dutch hugs), Kathi

hilleryc

KathiM said:

I'm putting my arms around you, dearheart!
I lost my mom in April. Nothing as challenging as cancer, just old age with a final note of pneumonia. She was a 2-time cancer survivor, and was a grand lady.

I have lost many in the past 7 years, and so I have developed a coping mechanism. I still remember fondly all of the people I have lost and keep them alive and safe within my heart. I don't have them visit like some do, I think it would scare the willies out of me. But I sit in the chair my beau's mom used to sit in, and most Fridays clean a smoked fish like she did so many times. And I remember my beau's dad when I eat chocolate, because he always would slip a bar into my pocket when no one was looking. And my daughter, when I hear 'Hi, mom!' from someone...it was her favorite greeting. And even my ex, whenever I smell the smoke from a nice smelling pipe.

My mom and dad were special people. They raised me well, giving me the tools that they knew someday, after they were gone, that I could use for the rest of my life. My dad, the inventor, gave me a researching mind. My mom, how to be strong, while still acting like a lady.

I hope you are someday as lucky as I am, to find a way of accepting and coping with your mom's loss...it is my biggest wish for you!

Knuffels (dutch hugs), Kathi

Thank you all
Thank you all for your wise words. I know everything yall are saying is true. I just can't make myself feel at peace with her death. I hope I can honor her by being a fraction of the mother that she was. I hope that I pass on God's love as she did. But I am only a shadow of the unbelievable person that she was. I honestly believe that she was an angel on this earth. Thank you all again for you kindness and empathy. It helped writing it down and hearing replies. Thank you

Hillery

butterflylvr

hilleryc said:

Thank you all
Thank you all for your wise words. I know everything yall are saying is true. I just can't make myself feel at peace with her death. I hope I can honor her by being a fraction of the mother that she was. I hope that I pass on God's love as she did. But I am only a shadow of the unbelievable person that she was. I honestly believe that she was an angel on this earth. Thank you all again for you kindness and empathy. It helped writing it down and hearing replies. Thank you

Hillery

Hillery my dear,
Your mother would be so proud of the beautiful soul you've become. I am sure she has told you that numerous times herself in the past few years. You have every right to feel the way you are feeling at this moment, and although it's hard to believe now, in time that pain will lesson but never go away. Throw that beautiful energy your mother gifted you towards your husband and children. Smother them with all the love you wished you could give your angelic mom. She is still with you in your heart and soul and she would want you to be happy. I am pleased to hear you have a family of your own, because now those hugs from your little ones will be even more special. Feel our Pink sisterhood surrounding you and your family with many, many hugs. And please stay in touch with your new extended family here on this board. Even though we didn't know her personally, your mother was one of us pink warriors and for that you are like a daughter to each of us.

Stay in touch... ♥
Lorrie

Alexis F

Rague said:

What a beautiful testomony of your Mother!
We are all here to support each other - not just those of us who are Survivors but for all just starting the journey and those who are holding the hand (or held the hand) of ones who have made the journey.

My belief - your Mother is with you at all times. She showed you how to be strong - and you are.

I lost my Mom a bit over 30 years ago - not to BC - but she taught me so much and showed me what strength really is. There is not a day that I don't think of her or see her in somthing I do. I am a reflection of her in so many ways - as you are of your Mom. Use all she gave you to pass on to your children as she did to you.

Thoughts and prayers!

Susan

I am so sorry for the loss
I am so sorry for the loss of your Mother.


Hugs and prayers,

Lex

Different Ballgame

Who could ask for a better daughter!
How lucky that your mother had you for a daughter. You were there for her. Unfortunately, time is what heals us. The first year is the hardest to handle. Hopefully, as time passes, the memories of your mom will be the wonderful mother that she was and the marvelous woman that she was and the memory of her cancer journey will lessen.

Your mother has not left you. She watches you from up above.

Lots of Hugs,
Janelle

Kristin N

laughs_a_lot said:

Sorry
So sorry to hear of the loss of your mother. She sounds like a wonderful example of what it means to be a mom. I think you will find the help you need here. You may be able to be comforted to hear the stories of other women like your mother who are doing some of the same things she did. However, if after some time here you do not feel this meets your needs you could look into a grieving support group. I know that many Hospice programs have them and they are often open to anyone.

My deepest sympathy for the
My deepest sympathy for the loss of your wonderful Mother.

♥ Kristin ♥

mom62

Bless You
Hi,

I think the best testimony to your mother was that note you just wrote to us. We understand what you are saying and it's wonderful that you were able to share all that time with her. Her void will always be there but she is watching over you as your angel. Take your sadness and anger and acknowlege it. Therapy can sometimes help. I wish my daughter was old enough to understand and take care of me like you did your mom. She would want you to enjoy your husband and children and teach them to be the kind of person you are, compassionate. I feel for you and am saddened by your loss. I have a friend who did the same for her dad, she still feels the pain but tries to remember the good times they had before he passed. I'll say a prayer for you tonight.

((((hugs))))

Terry

Alexis F

hilleryc said:

Thank you all
Thank you all for your wise words. I know everything yall are saying is true. I just can't make myself feel at peace with her death. I hope I can honor her by being a fraction of the mother that she was. I hope that I pass on God's love as she did. But I am only a shadow of the unbelievable person that she was. I honestly believe that she was an angel on this earth. Thank you all again for you kindness and empathy. It helped writing it down and hearing replies. Thank you

Hillery

I am so glad that it helped
I am so glad that it helped for you to write this Hillery. You will find peace eventually, just give yourself time to heal.


Hugs, Lex

Lighthouse_7

mom62 said:

Bless You
Hi,

I think the best testimony to your mother was that note you just wrote to us. We understand what you are saying and it's wonderful that you were able to share all that time with her. Her void will always be there but she is watching over you as your angel. Take your sadness and anger and acknowlege it. Therapy can sometimes help. I wish my daughter was old enough to understand and take care of me like you did your mom. She would want you to enjoy your husband and children and teach them to be the kind of person you are, compassionate. I feel for you and am saddened by your loss. I have a friend who did the same for her dad, she still feels the pain but tries to remember the good times they had before he passed. I'll say a prayer for you tonight.

((((hugs))))

Terry

I'm so very sorry about the
I'm so very sorry about the loss of your Mom. She sounds wonderful and so are you for being there with her all the time. I was with my Dad when he passed too and it was hard but the most rewarding thing that I've ever done.
God bless you and your family.
It never goes away, but in time you will learn to live with it and remember she is always with you.
Hugs,
Wanda

debi.18

Lighthouse_7 said:

I'm so very sorry about the
I'm so very sorry about the loss of your Mom. She sounds wonderful and so are you for being there with her all the time. I was with my Dad when he passed too and it was hard but the most rewarding thing that I've ever done.
God bless you and your family.
It never goes away, but in time you will learn to live with it and remember she is always with you.
Hugs,
Wanda

I'm so sorry
for your loss. My heart just breaks for you. I wish I could say something to ease your pain. You and your mother had a wonderful relationship and were very lucky to have each other. She will live forever in your heart!

Hugs, Debi

Kylez

Different Ballgame said:

Who could ask for a better daughter!
How lucky that your mother had you for a daughter. You were there for her. Unfortunately, time is what heals us. The first year is the hardest to handle. Hopefully, as time passes, the memories of your mom will be the wonderful mother that she was and the marvelous woman that she was and the memory of her cancer journey will lessen.

Your mother has not left you. She watches you from up above.

Lots of Hugs,
Janelle

I am so sorry to read this
I am so sorry to read this about your Mother. You have my condolences....