Moving on down the Road

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Pam5
Pam5 Member Posts: 232
Hi Everybody,

Went for what I hope is my last chemo treatment today. Can't say I'm sorry to see it end. My oncologist doesn't think I'll need additional chemo after surgery but you never know.

I saw my surgeon last Tuesday. He wants a pet scan and another breast MRI done at his hospital. He explained how the mastectomy will be done and, at worst, he may have to take part of a rib. I have to say I felt the blood drain out of my face as he was talking. Andie was with me furiously taking notes, thank God, because I couldn't remember much of what he was saying. I think my defenses tuned him out. I am so grateful that Andie is there for me through this. The doc did say that he will bring in a plastic surgeon- the one I had for reconstruction 17 years ago died September 26 at age 57 of lung cancer. Go figure. He was a lovely man and everybody loved him very much including my surgeon. Anyway, this plastic person will simply find a way to close the wound trying to use my own skin - maybe from my back. I won't be able to have reconstruction but I can live with that today - the optimum word being "live".

Surgery will probably take place 1st or 2nd week of February. I will be on Anastrazole after the surgery but that's fine with me. The only bad side effect from that is my face is a bit fuzzy (sigh).

I do ask that you keep me in your prayers. I don't get many dark moments - I do believe God has my back however it all turns out. That being said, sometimes I can't find that "belief" at 4:00 am in the pitch black dark.

Thank you all so much for your support over these past 6 months. I cannot tell you how much it has meant to me. I love reading other peoples' posts - sometimes I comment and sometimes I just read because other people have already said what I would have said - probably much better than I could have.

Take care,
Love,
Pam

Comments

  • LoveBabyJesus
    LoveBabyJesus Member Posts: 1,679 Member
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    Praying for NO MORE CHEMO and a smooth recovery....
    Sweet Pam -- Congrats on your last treatment! I too pray this is your LAST, ever, and that you don't have to be faced with this again. I felt scared the day I stopped treatment too, but as months went by, I felt a little more confident and kept my faith. It is difficult to walk away from someone who has been checking on you and treating you periodically.

    I will add you to my list of prayers for your surgery. I am happy Andie has been there for you, always. I remember his first posts about you - he was on top of everything, asking questions and caring. Very sweet of him, and hard to find.

    I know it is scary to walk into surgery, but we will pray that all goes well and you recover with no complications.

    Sending you love and hugs.
  • laughs_a_lot
    laughs_a_lot Member Posts: 1,368 Member
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    You are right
    You are right about two things you say. God has your back, and it is hard to remember that at 4:00am. You also have many here that will pray for you. So try not to worry too much. (easier said than done). There are many here who will give you advice or comfort that you need.
  • aysemari
    aysemari Member Posts: 1,596 Member
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    4 AM - you are not alone
    Hello Pam,

    first of all Congrats on all the hurdles you have overcome so far.

    And secondly you are not alone at that hour. As a matter of fact
    my favorite Poet Wislawa Szymborska wrote this about that wicked hour:

    ENJOY!

    Big hug ~ Ayse

    Four a.m.

    The hour between night and day.
    The hour between toss and turn.
    The hour of thirty-year-olds.

    The hour swept clean for rooster's crowing.
    The hour when the earth takes back its warm embrace.
    The hour of cool drafts from extinguished stars.
    The hour of do-we-vanish-too-without-a-trace.

    Empty hour.
    Hollow. Vain.
    Rock bottom of all the other hours.

    No one feels fine at four a.m.
    If ants feel fine at four a.m.,
    we're happy for the ants. And let five a.m. come
    if we've got to go on living.
  • Pam5
    Pam5 Member Posts: 232
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    aysemari said:

    4 AM - you are not alone
    Hello Pam,

    first of all Congrats on all the hurdles you have overcome so far.

    And secondly you are not alone at that hour. As a matter of fact
    my favorite Poet Wislawa Szymborska wrote this about that wicked hour:

    ENJOY!

    Big hug ~ Ayse

    Four a.m.

    The hour between night and day.
    The hour between toss and turn.
    The hour of thirty-year-olds.

    The hour swept clean for rooster's crowing.
    The hour when the earth takes back its warm embrace.
    The hour of cool drafts from extinguished stars.
    The hour of do-we-vanish-too-without-a-trace.

    Empty hour.
    Hollow. Vain.
    Rock bottom of all the other hours.

    No one feels fine at four a.m.
    If ants feel fine at four a.m.,
    we're happy for the ants. And let five a.m. come
    if we've got to go on living.

    I Love the Poem!
    Thanks Ayse! I will definitely look up Symborska's poetry.

    I agree - 4 am is the darkest part of the night. I often feel God wakes me up then to tell me something and give me answers. However, I can't make the connection when I'm dealing with that white hot fear that we all get - at least some of the time. That's when I comes to me and I can't make a connection to God. I usually get up, look at the sky, the rain, the fog, the snow and keep asking God to take the fear out of my heart. After about 1/2 hour it begins to leave - that 1/2 hour seems like an eternity. Of course it's not - it's just a 1/2 hour.

    I have to schedule the pet scan and MRI today - get them done - then wait for results. That's probably one of the hardest things for all of us. But I'll do it! As we all do! How brave are we!!!!

    Hugs
    Pam
  • Noel
    Noel Member Posts: 3,095 Member
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    Praying for NO MORE CHEMO and a smooth recovery....
    Sweet Pam -- Congrats on your last treatment! I too pray this is your LAST, ever, and that you don't have to be faced with this again. I felt scared the day I stopped treatment too, but as months went by, I felt a little more confident and kept my faith. It is difficult to walk away from someone who has been checking on you and treating you periodically.

    I will add you to my list of prayers for your surgery. I am happy Andie has been there for you, always. I remember his first posts about you - he was on top of everything, asking questions and caring. Very sweet of him, and hard to find.

    I know it is scary to walk into surgery, but we will pray that all goes well and you recover with no complications.

    Sending you love and hugs.

    Praying that you did have
    Praying that you did have your last chemo and wishing you the best of luck with your surgery next month!


    Hugs, Noel
  • VickiSam
    VickiSam Member Posts: 9,079 Member
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    Pam5 said:

    I Love the Poem!
    Thanks Ayse! I will definitely look up Symborska's poetry.

    I agree - 4 am is the darkest part of the night. I often feel God wakes me up then to tell me something and give me answers. However, I can't make the connection when I'm dealing with that white hot fear that we all get - at least some of the time. That's when I comes to me and I can't make a connection to God. I usually get up, look at the sky, the rain, the fog, the snow and keep asking God to take the fear out of my heart. After about 1/2 hour it begins to leave - that 1/2 hour seems like an eternity. Of course it's not - it's just a 1/2 hour.

    I have to schedule the pet scan and MRI today - get them done - then wait for results. That's probably one of the hardest things for all of us. But I'll do it! As we all do! How brave are we!!!!

    Hugs
    Pam

    Pam .. Gentle hugs, hope and prayers
    for you dear Sister in PINK.

    Congratulations on completing your chemo infusion therapy. You have so much going on in your life .. I am happy that Andie and your family are there for you.

    Continued Strength, Good Wishes, Health and Joy.

    Vicki Sam
  • Alexis F
    Alexis F Member Posts: 3,598
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    aysemari said:

    4 AM - you are not alone
    Hello Pam,

    first of all Congrats on all the hurdles you have overcome so far.

    And secondly you are not alone at that hour. As a matter of fact
    my favorite Poet Wislawa Szymborska wrote this about that wicked hour:

    ENJOY!

    Big hug ~ Ayse

    Four a.m.

    The hour between night and day.
    The hour between toss and turn.
    The hour of thirty-year-olds.

    The hour swept clean for rooster's crowing.
    The hour when the earth takes back its warm embrace.
    The hour of cool drafts from extinguished stars.
    The hour of do-we-vanish-too-without-a-trace.

    Empty hour.
    Hollow. Vain.
    Rock bottom of all the other hours.

    No one feels fine at four a.m.
    If ants feel fine at four a.m.,
    we're happy for the ants. And let five a.m. come
    if we've got to go on living.

    I'm sending hugs and prayers
    I'm sending hugs and prayers to you Pam!


    Lex