I'm having a really hard time here......

ddpekks Member Posts: 162
I know the answers to all my whinny questions, but I have to ask them anyway. I'm on the verge of explosion here and need to let it fly.

DH made it through almost a year of chemo/rad, colorectal surgery, colostomy, chemo again and was beginning to feel "normal". There was one point in his chemo that he wanted to quit. He didn't want to be so miserable and feel so bad. He only had 2 treatments to go and I encouraged him to see them through. He made it just fine. He started doing things he had been putting off, going places, participating in life again.

Then boom. PET shows liver, lung & prostate cancer. He received his diagnosis from his chemo dr who immediately prescribed an aggresive chemo program. We went to Onc for more info. He gently advised Don that chemo may keep him alive for another year, only to have the cancer rear up again because there is so much of it. He advised him to decide if he wants quantity or quality of life. Today we met with surgeon who will schedule the port procedure, who also told him the same thing. Don wants to fight.

I have told him from the get-go that I will support him no matter what he decides. That I will be there every step of the way. But the thought of him being brought to his knees with the aggresive chemo they are planning just makes me want to scream. I've seen that look in his eyes that begs for relief from the pain. It kills me. I can't take it sometimes. I want to run away. I don't want to be strong.

But I don't want to lose him. I can't imagine my life without him. We have been through so dang much together. We have come such a long way. He's a part of me.

Oh, Lord, I am rambling like a mad woman standing on her head stacking b'b's. But, I had to get it out.

Thanks for listening (or not).


  • leprechaun2
    leprechaun2 Member Posts: 79
    This may be the hardest
    This may be the hardest thing you ever have to do. But you can do it. You are not alone in this fight. We are here with you. You have our thoughts and our prayers. I wish I could truly give you (((hugs))).
  • Barbara53
    Barbara53 Member Posts: 652
    Powerlessness on every front feels so frustrating when all you're trying to do is the right thing. You know you're a caregiver when you know the feeling of total powerlessness.
  • jimwins
    jimwins Member Posts: 2,107
    Stacking BB's.
    You could probably stack bb's while standing on your head
    if you use a narrow straw ;).

    I wish I could make it better, Deb. I truly do.


  • kmgerhke
    kmgerhke Member Posts: 20
    thank you
    Dear Deb-

    In your pain and my new pain Plus all the responses I got it today-I am powerless-I can not control the cards that have been delt-A little background-5 years ago my husband was diagnosed with Kidney cancer-After surgery they believed they got it all-There was no treatment-for Kidney cancer does not take to chemo at all. But they were sure they got it all
    2 Years ago in a short time October 23rd 2009 we were told it had entered his brain-7 tumors in all-and they wanted to do radiation on his head-while he was still in the hospital-It was a memory I never want to remember-it was a all day event Hours upon hours-no food or people talking to us-In a small room. Then to read that most people with 7 tumors dont do this-I was lost-but My husband in his last weeks and once he was home said NO MORE. And I listened-I lost him November6th 2009. Monday I received a phone call from my sisters to tell me now My mother has Kidney cancer as well-I was honest with her-I can not deal with it right now.But after reading your post and responses-I get it I just am feeling so helpless again-no control. I see it in a diffrent light now. But still think God has an awful Sense of Humor when it comes to me.
  • ddpekks
    ddpekks Member Posts: 162
    My bb's rolled all over the floor.....
    Thank you all so much. I needed to blow off some steam....take a sleeping power and get some rest. My bb's got out of control, but this morning I gathered them up and put them away for another day. They will come out again, many times, I am sure, but for now, I'm OK.

    We are going to take one step at a time. I have little fits of sadness hit me all day when I think about it too much, so I stay very busy and try to live in the now and let the future take us where we are supposed to go.

    (((((hugs))))) to you all.