Husband Depressed

buckeye2

We had our pre-op meeting with surgeon today for what we thought was a Dec. 6 surgery. Surgeon said Dec. 6 was booked and now our options were Nov. 30 or Dec. 13. Husband had hard time making decision, wanted me to make it. I tried to tell him that this was one decision that only he could make. He opted for the early date but not sure if he read that was where I was leaning or where he really wanted to go. He had a hard time wrapping his brain around surgery so soon. He came home and went to bed. There were lots of tears on the way home. He worries about not waking up. I feel helpless. Lisa

tootsie1

I'm sorry
It's never pleasant to contemplate surgery. I know I've had a fair number of them, only 1 (so far!) related to cancer. I do know that when I was taken down to pre-op, I found a peace. I remember thinking, "Okay, God. At this point, there's nothing I can do but trust You."

*hugs*
Gail

John23

Lisa -

Re:
"He worries about not waking up."

If he saw what I woke up to hanging off my body, he'd be
worrying about waking up.


It's hell being a "caregiver", especially when you're the spouse!

As a cancer *victim (*sorry Phil), I can tell you that hearing a
neighbor tell others that I am "really sick and probably won't
live long", really P's me off. But hearing someone say that I
look too good to be sick, and maybe I'm making a mountain
out of a mole hill, gets' me just as urinated.

You can't win. And as a caregiver and a spouse, you care;
you care much much more than anyone else, and using what
-you- might think are the "wrong words", ends up with you
whipping yourself over something you can't help. Sometimes,
no words are best; sometimes, just a knowing look is best!
Sometimes, screaming a primal scream in the supermarket
checkout line, is best. You just never know until you try it.

A person would have to be on drugs to look forward to any
hospital stay, even without surgery. It's a nice place to visit,
and maybe grab that cheap mail at the cafeteria, but not
to stay at too long.

Your poor guy is wrecked for now, but he'll get over it.
Tell him how great it'll be to get this behind him before the
holidays, and how he can finally enjoy the better things
at home, as soon as he's out of the hospital. Buy him a
few hustler magazines and tell him you got the cable TV
porno channels for him as a present.

You can do it!

He'll be fine, and you have to reinforce his expectations
that he will be. We all need to be treated like a kid sometimes;
this is one of those times.

Smile, be happy! You'll make him happy!

Be well! My best to you both,

John

Lovekitties

Dear Lisa
It sounds as if requesting the earlier date is a good thing. Less time to worry.

When I had my surgery, I felt I had the easy part...I got to sleep through it while the medicos did all the work and the family did all the worrying.

As John says, no hospital stay is something we look forward to. I like John's solution...give him something to look forward to after surgery. Help him see that the few hours of the surgery are only that and you expect him to wake up asking for his favorite drink.

Lots of prayers that the surgeons do their best work, for an easy and swift recovery for hubby and for peace of mind for you both.

Hugs,

Marie who loves kitties

janie1

Lovekitties said:

Dear Lisa
It sounds as if requesting the earlier date is a good thing. Less time to worry.

When I had my surgery, I felt I had the easy part...I got to sleep through it while the medicos did all the work and the family did all the worrying.

As John says, no hospital stay is something we look forward to. I like John's solution...give him something to look forward to after surgery. Help him see that the few hours of the surgery are only that and you expect him to wake up asking for his favorite drink.

Lots of prayers that the surgeons do their best work, for an easy and swift recovery for hubby and for peace of mind for you both.

Hugs,

Marie who loves kitties

Hi Lisa
I think his feelings are normal. It's just all kind of sinking in, and it hits you all at once. I think some of those tears are tears of relief to getting to this point. Really, in the scope of things, he managed to get this far without any major complications or delays. And that is truly amazing. As far as the surgery, yes the first time or two are scary because of not understanding how it all works. But once he sees how everyone has their job and they work together as a team, it should ease the fear. Tell him they know how to handle anything that comes up, and that usually doesn't happen. But none-the-less, they are totally prepared. That is what they train for. He would be totally amazed at how relaxed the doctors and nurses are. It's all routine to them, a day at the office. When you get to pre-surgery, they get you relaxed
immediately, and then you have no cares in the world. He will be glad to have opted for the earliest date. Rejoice. Continue to be thankful

tommycat

One thing I did was make
One thing I did was make sure the Drs. knew right away that I was an anxious patient. The IV will come faster with some nice relaxation drugs in the holding area while the last things are getting ready in the OR.
Also found it helpful to be the first patient of the day, even if that meant getting to the hospital at 5am. That way there would be no delays that there might be if I was 2nd or 3rd to be operated on.
The whole thing stinks and there is no easy way around it. Hope he sticks with the "sooner" date, to get it over and out of the way asap.
You are doing the best you can during a very difficult time. Be kind to yourself too.
Your Friend in California~

Annabelle41415

Having reservations about surgery is pretty common. We all get scared or have apprehension about going under the knife. I started crying when just getting into the operating room because of being so scared and afraid of not waking up or afraid that I wouldn't be put to sleep all the way. Having it in less than two weeks is better than a month away. Just get it over with - he will do fine.

Kim

annalexandria

I can relate...
to your husband's feelings. I'm doing surgery #5 on the 1st, and even though I've been through it many times, I still get anxious. Doesn't help when they have you sign those darn consent forms, with all the terrible things that could happen during surgery. Of course, those kinds of problems are really quite rare, compared to the many surgeries done, but it's normal to worry about them. I don't know if your husband is willing to take medication to help with the worries-I take Ativan when the anxiety gets overwhelming. It really helps to take the edge off the stress. I've used them in the past the morning before surgery to keep me from freaking out too much-but I kind of like the idea of an IV version, may have to ask them for some this go-round! Good luck to you and your husband, sending lots of positive energy your way that things will go very smoothly on the 30th. Ann

lisa42

From one Lisa to another
Hi Lisa,

Is it possible for your husband to meet with a counselor or therapist of some sort prior to the upcoming surgery? It could be beneficial for him. His feelings are normal. The night before I went in for my liver resection, I had a dream that I died in surgery and that I could see my family members crying. It was quite a vivid dream. I then wondered if the dream was God's way of preparing me or if it was just my worries. I'm still here, so it was obviously came from my worried mind. I was also afraid of waking up during surgery & was worried they wouldn't give me enough anesthesia to keep me knocked out. They could see I was a pretty nervous patient, so they did then give me the nice, relaxing meds through the IV and they definitely helped once they got into my system. Maybe it would have been helpful to have some Ativan in pill form for the night before and that morning. I'd ask the doctors about it for your husband.

It's coming up soon & I'm sure all will be fine- I will pray for that.

Hugs,
Lisa

buckeye2

I just wanted to say thank
I just wanted to say thank you to all who replied. I read every response to my husband and you guys may have over corrected his depression because he left with a buddy at 3:00 yesterday and I have no idea what time he got home. John, I am going to hold off on those Hustler magazines until after surgery when I know he will be in no shape to catch me. Lisa

PhillieG

John23 said:

Lisa -

Re:
"He worries about not waking up."

If he saw what I woke up to hanging off my body, he'd be
worrying about waking up.


It's hell being a "caregiver", especially when you're the spouse!

As a cancer *victim (*sorry Phil), I can tell you that hearing a
neighbor tell others that I am "really sick and probably won't
live long", really P's me off. But hearing someone say that I
look too good to be sick, and maybe I'm making a mountain
out of a mole hill, gets' me just as urinated.

You can't win. And as a caregiver and a spouse, you care;
you care much much more than anyone else, and using what
-you- might think are the "wrong words", ends up with you
whipping yourself over something you can't help. Sometimes,
no words are best; sometimes, just a knowing look is best!
Sometimes, screaming a primal scream in the supermarket
checkout line, is best. You just never know until you try it.

A person would have to be on drugs to look forward to any
hospital stay, even without surgery. It's a nice place to visit,
and maybe grab that cheap mail at the cafeteria, but not
to stay at too long.

Your poor guy is wrecked for now, but he'll get over it.
Tell him how great it'll be to get this behind him before the
holidays, and how he can finally enjoy the better things
at home, as soon as he's out of the hospital. Buy him a
few hustler magazines and tell him you got the cable TV
porno channels for him as a present.

You can do it!

He'll be fine, and you have to reinforce his expectations
that he will be. We all need to be treated like a kid sometimes;
this is one of those times.

Smile, be happy! You'll make him happy!

Be well! My best to you both,

John

Same planet,
Different worlds is all I can say John....

PhillieG

To Be, or Not To Be...
That's NOT the question at hand but there is a decision to be made. Obviously, I am some sort of freak. I have always opted to do surgeries ASAP. The sooner they are done, the sooner I can put it behind me. We don't have a lot of control of things because of cancer so I'm glad you had him be in control of when he went for it.
I think we're all at that age where we can go to sleep and not wake up. My former boss was in her 40's, married with a 5 year old, and went to bed one night and had a heart attack and died in her sleep. No idea at all that it was going to happen. Having been under the knife 10 times so far, I always have the thought that something could go drastically wrong and there'd be a problem but I knew the greater danger was over.
I survived the drive into Manhattan...
-p