Dating with cancer

CelticGoddess

Dear Survivor Sisters,
Help! I am 40ish, single and dating, and I just don't know how to handle these issues with a new man. When do I tell him about the cancer? How much should I disclose? I don't look sick, but I'm not able to do all the things I used to. Am I obligated to tell a man I can't have kids? I want a family someday soon-ish. What about hormonal SE that make sex difficult--how do you bring that up?
I want a man to like me (or not) on my own merit. I don't want a man to stay with me out of pity, or run away out of fear. Does anyone have experience/insight/opinions about this?

Thanks, Kim L.

pinkkari09

Dear Kim, I struggle with
Dear Kim, I struggle with this every day I'M divorced, 39 and have been dating. The man I've dated for the last year and a half has caused me a lot of misery. It seems we fell hard for each other in the beginning and now I think he sticks around out of pity, I try to get rid of him, but he doesn't go away. When I really need him, he isn't there for me, when I don't want him around, he doesn't leave. The last 4 trips I've made to the hospital, he hasn't even asked why I went. Then on the flip side, when I'm sitting in chemo, and I have other people with me, he comes up. When I'm sitting in chemo or a seven hour blood transfusion, all alone, sad and crying, he's no where to be found. It was so much easier before him, I like the simple life, I like to put my focus on more important things. It wont be long and I'll be single again, even though I really love this guy, he's just not worth the pain and misery. He is a very selfish man, and I think he's just afraid of how it'll make him look if he runs, he owns a business and we have a lot of the same friends, seems it would harm him if he dodged me. Me, men, and relationships have never gotten along
Hugs,
Kari

missingtexas

Kim, I am married so I can't
Kim, I am married so I can't help with the when/if to tell however , I've recently chafed states and so sometimes it comes up. For instance during the summer I was wearing a compression bandage and a woman who is now a friend asked about it. Probably not the first thing you would mention on a date but if you have any scars, it'll come up when you're intimate. Which leads me into that, if you mean vaginal dryness from the hormone therapy (that's the only one that I've been told of and it hasn't really effected me), you use lube. Lots if women have that issue without hormone therapy...keeps KY and Astro-glide in business. The child thing is a different story. If it's somebody new it's not something you need to discuss but if you were ever to get very serious and that person wanted children, that is something you have to discuss. I have thought about the dating thing often (I know I'm married...but it's somethin that has crossed my mind). Good luck and I hope you find the right guy. If he's the right one, none of this stuff will be an issue. xox

mollieb

Just One of the Things You Have to Cover
I haven't dated in a long time, but it's my understanding that there are a lot of things people need to bring up now that weren't issues in the past -- STDs, for example. I think you just need to put on a very practical hat and in a private, but not intimate, setting, bring up the whole list of issues: "I really like you and I think we are getting close, but there are a few things we need to talk about." Then cover the "easy stuff" (STDs) first. If he doesn't want to stick around after the talk, you didn't want him anyway!

As for when -- when you think you are getting close to intimacy. How much to tell? Don't go into too much detail at first: you had cancer, what type of surgery, prognosis is good, but you can no longer (climb Mt. Everest, whatever). Then have the K-Y handy -- no need to tell him THAT in advance!

With respect to kids, that doesn't need to come up unless you are serious -- that is when most people talk about it, I think. "I can't have kids of my own because of my treatment, but I love kids and would want to adopt." Bringing up kids too early might make him think you are rushing things. Men see things differently. More than thirty years ago, when I was dating my husband, I told him, "I want to get married someday. I think you are someone I would like to marry, but I am not in a rush. However, if you decide you DON'T want to marry me, please let me know right away, so I can find someone else." I never said another word about it. He still refers to that as "pressuring him to get married."

I don't think it will necessarily be easy, but if you have to do it more than once, it will be easier the second time. And what a good radar for seeking out complete jerks.

Rague

Can't help you.
Next month I'll have been married for 36 years - so dating isn't something I've done in MANY years.

I don't think there can be one exact time to tell exerything. For me IF I were into dating it would be obvious at first meeting that I have some issues - LE is not my friend and it's obvious so initially something would be known.

I believe honesty is what any real/lasting relationship is built on. That does not mean that you "spill your guts" immediately but everything of consequence does need to be discussed and dealt with in the right time/place.

You mention having children - have you had a hysteroctomy or been told that you will never return to normal after chemo? There are many young women who have children after chemo. (How do you know that any particular man who was 40-ish plus would want more children especially if he already has some?)

KY and/or some of the more interesting lubes are your 'friend'.

SIROD

SEX with hormonal therapy
Hi Kim,

Wait until you really no him very well before discussing medical issues. He might have some too.

Are you in treatment now? If so, it's to early to talk about what you can use to make sex easier.

I used a product called "Estring" a vaginal ring, inserted for 3 months that gives enough estrogen to lubricate. Not enough to cause a problem with ER+ type cancer. My oncologist approved of it at the time. It isn't felt at all during intercourse. What is nice is there is no preparation. Easy to insert, easy to remove. Sex was not a problem using this product.

Your 40 ish? You want kids at this age? I am only saying this because if you are ER or PR positive, you might consider adoption over trying to bear a child. All those hormones, not a good thing for women with hormonal positive bc. You would not want to bring on recurrences or worse and not be around to see a child grow up. Something for you to think about, not the boyfriend.

Best wishes,

Doris

camul

This has been a very hard
This has been a very hard subject since being diagnosed initially at 44. Meeting good people was hard, then I had teenagers, and health issues. I was dating someone when I was diagnosed, and he was diagnosed in the same week with a brain tumor. It ended for other reasons unrelated to the cancer.
The next one couldn't deal with it, he saw the scars and the look on his face told it all. We are okay when we run into each other, but I didn't have the energy or the want to make it easy on him.
Another one thought he needed to be my house man and would take care of me (wanted me to support him and he wouldn't work! But I would!). That idea sent him packing in about a minute and a half!
Finally I just gave up. I had too much on my plate dealing with my health issues to worry about a man.
My ex is one of my best friends and even he was amazed at the reactions of grown men to my cancer diagnosis. So.. my life is very full with good friends and my children, although it would have been wonderful to have someone to love, share, support (emotional) and just cuddle with.... At this point I am happy with my life.

Hopefully you will have better luck!
Carol