Chemosmoker - how are you feeling?

jss2011

Ginny_B said:

Eric, it's just darn good to
Eric, it's just darn good to hear from you - venting or not. This too shall pass. I will print here some words that were on a bookmark that belong to St. Teresa. They were penned in her own handwriting:

Let nothing trouble you
Let nothing frighten you
All things are passing;
God never changes.

Patience obtains all things.
He who possess God
lacks nothing.
God alone suffices.

For me, the last 3 words are what I hold on to. You and Michelle are one; when one suffers so does the other. It's ok to have a tiff, cuz making up is such fun!

Remember... God alone suffices!

Eric and Michelle
Sorry you two had such a rough day. This damn disease really does a number on us. I have learned not to take things personally, as it is coming from the pain and emotions dealing with it all. Michelle knows this Eric, I'm sure she is more frustrated, sad, that you are having increased pain, as are we all.
Now focus on Florida!

Hugs,
Julie

paul61

chemosmoker said:

Abscess not bad tooth, and I screwed it all up royally!
Turned out to be an abscess not a cavity or even worse so some antibiotics and hopefully things will get better fast and before we head to Florida Monday.

I think I REALLY messed things up with Michelle tonight and I am so depressed and saddened I can't hardly see through the tears. I was taking too many of my Xanax and upset her as she was trying SO hard to manage my drugs for me and take care of me and I didn't listen or keep track and totally messed it all up.

I am having the worst night I can remember having since being diagnosed now. I cant sleep and we are at my parents house and I a trying to make things right again and don't know how to do it.

I really upset Michelle and royally screwed up her system she had set up for me to have my daily doses of medicines (She is such a good manager when I GET OUT OF THE WAY and let her handle things!) and I took more than I should have, didn't keep track, and didn't tell her and that as the whole point of her managing the drugs; so I wouldn't run out again.

MUCH worse than that, I feel like I have lost her trust and her respect and faced with God only knows how many weeks or months of life left I feel like a total failure in our entire 16 years tonight.

WHAT I would not give to go back even one or two days ago now and not mess this all up as we were SO close to going to Florida I was feeling closer to Michelle than I have/had been felting in 16 years if our marriage. I am feeling SO lost and alone right now. I deserve this. I brought this on myself and I am such an **** for being so selfish and thoughtless and hurting her this way.

I a sorry I just needed to vent as I am so sorry for hurting her and acting the way I have when the circumstances are what they are, she has given SO much of herself for the last 6 months through this (hell, the last 16 years of this) and this is the VERY last thing she needed or deserved tonight or right now. SHE is the one who deserves to be venting. I can't even type through the tears so need to just stop and go try to lay down now. She is such a wonderful person THE most selfless person I have ever known my whole life and I go and do this crap. I hope she will forgive me when we can get back to loving each other and go on to Florida. I do not want to die feeling this way. It is so sad and lonely. I can ONLY imagine how SHE must be feeling right now trying to sleep.

I will post again tomorrow time permitting and I hope things improve.

I love you all thanks for being there.
Eric

Just goes to prove we are human
Eric,

One of the painful lessons about having cancer is that it demonstrates to us just how human and therefore fallible we are. I would not be too hard on yourself about making a mistake while being tired, depressed, and in pain.

I keep all my pills in little day of the week compartments and I still mess up from time to time.

The important thing is to make sure things are back to OK between you and Michelle. My wife and I have always followed the rule that says "never let the sun set on a disagreement". I am sure Michelle is not angry at you, but at the situation this disease places the both of you.

I am glad the tooth can be addressed with medication. I am sure the disagreement can be addressed with the apology I am sure you have already given.

Look forward to some quality time for the two of you by the ocean.


Best Regards,

Paul Adams
McCormick, South Carolina

DX 10/22/2009 T2N1M0 Stage IIB
12/03/2009 Ivor Lewis
2/8 through 6/14/2010 Adjuvant Chemo Cisplatin, Epirubicin, 5 FU
Two year survivor

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance!

chemosmoker

Love and thanks
Thank you ALL.

We have apologized and made up as you all said.
I just felt So strong for so long, and now I seem to cry at the phone Ringling.

I am trying to get back to closeness and togetherness that's ALL that really maters here.

Thanks again for all the love and responses.
I really do love each and every one of you so much from a place in my heart I didn't know existed and also that doesn't get to come out in any person to person or face to face friendships and relationships other than what I have found here, on our family board.
It is so powerful and amazing. It is God's gift in the midst of all the hellish pain of EC.

I love you all
God bless,
Eric

TerryV

chemosmoker said:

Abscess not bad tooth, and I screwed it all up royally!
Turned out to be an abscess not a cavity or even worse so some antibiotics and hopefully things will get better fast and before we head to Florida Monday.

I think I REALLY messed things up with Michelle tonight and I am so depressed and saddened I can't hardly see through the tears. I was taking too many of my Xanax and upset her as she was trying SO hard to manage my drugs for me and take care of me and I didn't listen or keep track and totally messed it all up.

I am having the worst night I can remember having since being diagnosed now. I cant sleep and we are at my parents house and I a trying to make things right again and don't know how to do it.

I really upset Michelle and royally screwed up her system she had set up for me to have my daily doses of medicines (She is such a good manager when I GET OUT OF THE WAY and let her handle things!) and I took more than I should have, didn't keep track, and didn't tell her and that as the whole point of her managing the drugs; so I wouldn't run out again.

MUCH worse than that, I feel like I have lost her trust and her respect and faced with God only knows how many weeks or months of life left I feel like a total failure in our entire 16 years tonight.

WHAT I would not give to go back even one or two days ago now and not mess this all up as we were SO close to going to Florida I was feeling closer to Michelle than I have/had been felting in 16 years if our marriage. I am feeling SO lost and alone right now. I deserve this. I brought this on myself and I am such an **** for being so selfish and thoughtless and hurting her this way.

I a sorry I just needed to vent as I am so sorry for hurting her and acting the way I have when the circumstances are what they are, she has given SO much of herself for the last 6 months through this (hell, the last 16 years of this) and this is the VERY last thing she needed or deserved tonight or right now. SHE is the one who deserves to be venting. I can't even type through the tears so need to just stop and go try to lay down now. She is such a wonderful person THE most selfless person I have ever known my whole life and I go and do this crap. I hope she will forgive me when we can get back to loving each other and go on to Florida. I do not want to die feeling this way. It is so sad and lonely. I can ONLY imagine how SHE must be feeling right now trying to sleep.

I will post again tomorrow time permitting and I hope things improve.

I love you all thanks for being there.
Eric

If I have learned anything about Michelle......
It's that she adores you. And you her. Her trust and respect isn't blown. She's more likely confused by the failure of the method she set out for you. You two WILL get back on track.

Eric - 16 years together isn't just swept under a rug because of a mistake. Michelle is an excellent caregiver and more importantly, an excellent wife. Neither of those roles expects or demands perfection from our patients/spouses. If anything those roles expect and demand perfection from ourselves. She's likely trying to figure out why her method failed, not blaming you for the failure.

I'm sure if you reach out for a hug, it will enthusiastically be returned. As "forme" says, a walk in the ocean on Monday would be a good thing. Whatever it takes, you WILL reconnect, you WILL go forward TOGETHER.

Good news that the tooth issue can be resolved with antibiotics.

With much love, big hugs, and great concern for your heartache

Terry

Ginny_B

chemosmoker said:

Love and thanks
Thank you ALL.

We have apologized and made up as you all said.
I just felt So strong for so long, and now I seem to cry at the phone Ringling.

I am trying to get back to closeness and togetherness that's ALL that really maters here.

Thanks again for all the love and responses.
I really do love each and every one of you so much from a place in my heart I didn't know existed and also that doesn't get to come out in any person to person or face to face friendships and relationships other than what I have found here, on our family board.
It is so powerful and amazing. It is God's gift in the midst of all the hellish pain of EC.

I love you all
God bless,
Eric

Ahhh see.... the best part
Ahhh see.... the best part of fights is making up. You two just can't stay mad.

So how about a report on your tooth?

LilChemoSmoker

chemosmoker said:

Love and thanks
Thank you ALL.

We have apologized and made up as you all said.
I just felt So strong for so long, and now I seem to cry at the phone Ringling.

I am trying to get back to closeness and togetherness that's ALL that really maters here.

Thanks again for all the love and responses.
I really do love each and every one of you so much from a place in my heart I didn't know existed and also that doesn't get to come out in any person to person or face to face friendships and relationships other than what I have found here, on our family board.
It is so powerful and amazing. It is God's gift in the midst of all the hellish pain of EC.

I love you all
God bless,
Eric

Navigating to a "new normal"...
It has been a rough couple of days to say the least, and I am hoping this is the beginning of some deeper connections. Not that we haven't always had a deep connection, just deeper than any other time in our history. Eric has had several days of ups and downs with xanax and the desire to escape the reality of things. I have allowed him to navigate through this for the most part by himself (only to interfere when his safety and well-being were being threatened of course). We all process at different rates and levels, and it was not for me to push him to process any differently than he was capable of doing.

Last night we talked (while he was "present") about his ability to connect with the moment and his motives in escaping. The flood gates opened and he was finally able to release a lot of compartmentalized emotions. It was very therapeutic and ultimately calming for both of us. It is his choice to be as present as his emotions will allow, and to find balance in treating the anxiety. The reality of the journey's end has hit him hard as it does me. He is now allowing himself to feel his feelings and take in doses, only HE knows he can handle. He "messed up" NOTHING and you are all right, I was not mad at him, only confused as to how to communicate with him in such a distant state of mind. He wanted me to make these decisions for him (how much is enough and how much is too little) and I did not want to be responsible for deciding this for him, as it is not for me to do. We both know that someone other than himself now, has to manage the medications, but only manage, not control. I can administer as he voices a need, without controlling and deciding his "needs". This way, when he becomes incapable of remembering when he took what, I can remind him and we can communicate about where his pain is, and where his anxiety is presently. This system is working.

Only Eric knows what his timing and ability to process will be. It is by communicating these needs and desires that he can get the help he needs. When communication becomes impossible, another system can be put in place of the current system. We have found our "new normal" and we can rest assured now that he isn't "over-dosing" in a dangerous manner. We are back!

Hugs to all for your love and support!
-Michelle

sangora

LilChemoSmoker said:

Navigating to a "new normal"...
It has been a rough couple of days to say the least, and I am hoping this is the beginning of some deeper connections. Not that we haven't always had a deep connection, just deeper than any other time in our history. Eric has had several days of ups and downs with xanax and the desire to escape the reality of things. I have allowed him to navigate through this for the most part by himself (only to interfere when his safety and well-being were being threatened of course). We all process at different rates and levels, and it was not for me to push him to process any differently than he was capable of doing.

Last night we talked (while he was "present") about his ability to connect with the moment and his motives in escaping. The flood gates opened and he was finally able to release a lot of compartmentalized emotions. It was very therapeutic and ultimately calming for both of us. It is his choice to be as present as his emotions will allow, and to find balance in treating the anxiety. The reality of the journey's end has hit him hard as it does me. He is now allowing himself to feel his feelings and take in doses, only HE knows he can handle. He "messed up" NOTHING and you are all right, I was not mad at him, only confused as to how to communicate with him in such a distant state of mind. He wanted me to make these decisions for him (how much is enough and how much is too little) and I did not want to be responsible for deciding this for him, as it is not for me to do. We both know that someone other than himself now, has to manage the medications, but only manage, not control. I can administer as he voices a need, without controlling and deciding his "needs". This way, when he becomes incapable of remembering when he took what, I can remind him and we can communicate about where his pain is, and where his anxiety is presently. This system is working.

Only Eric knows what his timing and ability to process will be. It is by communicating these needs and desires that he can get the help he needs. When communication becomes impossible, another system can be put in place of the current system. We have found our "new normal" and we can rest assured now that he isn't "over-dosing" in a dangerous manner. We are back!

Hugs to all for your love and support!
-Michelle

This Is For All Of Us
Michelle, your above post is a lesson for all of us suffering with these issues. Your words have certainly given me pause and food for thought. I know Eric has had a rough week and consequently you as well, but these things,as you say pull, couples closer together. Thank you for sharing. Sam

LilChemoSmoker

sangora said:

This Is For All Of Us
Michelle, your above post is a lesson for all of us suffering with these issues. Your words have certainly given me pause and food for thought. I know Eric has had a rough week and consequently you as well, but these things,as you say pull, couples closer together. Thank you for sharing. Sam

Thank you Sam
Sam,

Thank you for your words. Yes it has been trying on both of us. As the article I posted on Denial says, 'if you take away someone's denial, you had better have something good to replace it with'. These are profound words. I could not deny Eric his Denial, I could only step back and wait for the opportunity to talk about it with him. He struggles as we all do and he is no exception to the rule. He deserves to make these choices for himself without my influence so long as he is capable. Just because I physically hold the meds does not mean that I define his needs. I knew he was processing a lot and needed to escape on some level. I also knew that he would eventually become available for some non-threatening dialog, which is what I waited for. He sees things through his own lenses and I have to be o'kay with that. When he became dangerously dosed with xanax, I simply had to take temporary control long enough to get him 'present'. This is when we were able to communicate. Then we could devise a system that works for him and leaves him feeling safe to escape when he needs, though at a level that is safe for his health. We are once again marching to the beat of the drum that defines our dance.

Love to you!
-Michelle

bingbing2009

LilChemoSmoker said:

Thank you Sam
Sam,

Thank you for your words. Yes it has been trying on both of us. As the article I posted on Denial says, 'if you take away someone's denial, you had better have something good to replace it with'. These are profound words. I could not deny Eric his Denial, I could only step back and wait for the opportunity to talk about it with him. He struggles as we all do and he is no exception to the rule. He deserves to make these choices for himself without my influence so long as he is capable. Just because I physically hold the meds does not mean that I define his needs. I knew he was processing a lot and needed to escape on some level. I also knew that he would eventually become available for some non-threatening dialog, which is what I waited for. He sees things through his own lenses and I have to be o'kay with that. When he became dangerously dosed with xanax, I simply had to take temporary control long enough to get him 'present'. This is when we were able to communicate. Then we could devise a system that works for him and leaves him feeling safe to escape when he needs, though at a level that is safe for his health. We are once again marching to the beat of the drum that defines our dance.

Love to you!
-Michelle

Thoughts
We are both praying for you. You are in our thoughts. The struggle with medications and who will 'control' them and how to manage them is somerthing we also struggled to coordinate. It can be overwhelming when there are so many drugs.

Melinda and Vaughn

Luvs24

bingbing2009 said:

Thoughts
We are both praying for you. You are in our thoughts. The struggle with medications and who will 'control' them and how to manage them is somerthing we also struggled to coordinate. It can be overwhelming when there are so many drugs.

Melinda and Vaughn

Michelle and Eric
Thank you both for posting and Michelle, for explaining things out. I read your message a number of times and hope that my mom will make time to join this site.

Words cannot express how touched and inspired the communication and sharing is on this site.

Keep the faith!
God Bless,
Beth