Denial

LilChemoSmoker

I read this in an article I posted a while back. Just thought I would share it again for anyone new that may be dealing with denial or knows of someone dealing with denial.

Denial is our emotional buffer. It's an unconscious mechanism that cushions us against the painful events in our life. It's a way we can feel safe from threats to our survival. Some people are able to accept slowly the seriousness of their illness. Others can't seem to accept their dying, and will ignore facts as caregivers and physicians present them, or change the subject. Some patients may accept, to some degree, their impending death, but they can't clearly explain how they feel. Denial may also help some patients [and caregivers] get "over the hump" and through the worst part of what's happening.

Because denial allows us to maintain a feeling of safety, don't "break down" or challenge the patient's denial unless it interferes with the patients ability to function. Often a patient will accept the severity of his or her illness while family members remain in a state of denial. It's best to be truthful, but when a patient doesn't wish to acknowledge information, persisting isn't valuable---it is just a reflection of an unsatisfied need of the person pressing the issue.

Examine who needs to recognize what before continuing with an attempt to destroy a patient's denial for there are times when patients are so overwhelmed and gravely ill that delivering bad new is useless.

If we take away denial, we'd better have something better to replace it.

Hugs!
-Michelle

TerryV

Excellent article
So very true. Nick's "head in the sand" is his version of denial. And you know, that's okay. He was able to smile through his treatments. He didn't have the knowledge of the "big scaries" that EC is capable of. He didn't want that knowledge.

I think as long as one person in the mix has knowledge or at the very least curiousity to find the knowledge, the other can be comfortable in gaining whatever amount of information is acceptable to them.

Appreciate this post, Michelle!

Hugs back to you!

Terry

Mazj

TerryV said:

Excellent article
So very true. Nick's "head in the sand" is his version of denial. And you know, that's okay. He was able to smile through his treatments. He didn't have the knowledge of the "big scaries" that EC is capable of. He didn't want that knowledge.

I think as long as one person in the mix has knowledge or at the very least curiousity to find the knowledge, the other can be comfortable in gaining whatever amount of information is acceptable to them.

Appreciate this post, Michelle!

Hugs back to you!

Terry

I absolutely agree
Being the one with the knowledge and the curiosity is a way of allowing our partners the opportunity to deny, put their heads in the sand and just get on with 'dealing.' At least that's how it works in our place. Thanks Michelle for always saying the right thing at the right time!

Marilyn
Wife of Brian T0N0M1 - the oncologist said the last figure is all we need to know!

Wife of patient 50378

Thank you for sharing
My husband's anger diminished after two days, then he went back into denial. He has had minimal side effects of treatment thus far. Perhaps denial is his coping mechanisim(sp). I did not realize. Thanks Michelle.

I read Eric's post, I do not have anything to contribute, but I pray he finds relief from the pain. Michelle, you both are in my thoughts! Take care.
Sal

sangora

Wife of patient 50378 said:

Thank you for sharing
My husband's anger diminished after two days, then he went back into denial. He has had minimal side effects of treatment thus far. Perhaps denial is his coping mechanisim(sp). I did not realize. Thanks Michelle.

I read Eric's post, I do not have anything to contribute, but I pray he finds relief from the pain. Michelle, you both are in my thoughts! Take care.
Sal

Whatever it takes to cope
Since I am both the EC patient and my own primary caregiver I could only allow a few minutes for denial. I think for most a good case of denial is a good thing. Sometimes the notion of dealing with reality all the time is just to overwhelming. This is especially true if one is also dealing with treatment side effects and all the rest of the things we have to confront. This is a great articel and thanks for sharing it with us. We need to allow people to cope anyway they can. Sam

chemosmoker

Wife of patient 50378 said:

Thank you for sharing
My husband's anger diminished after two days, then he went back into denial. He has had minimal side effects of treatment thus far. Perhaps denial is his coping mechanisim(sp). I did not realize. Thanks Michelle.

I read Eric's post, I do not have anything to contribute, but I pray he finds relief from the pain. Michelle, you both are in my thoughts! Take care.
Sal

CAREGIVERS for Sam and help, and my pain
Sal,
Thanks. I am getting relief from BOTH pains now,

As for DENIAL, I had it for 5 minutes (may have been a little less) when the GI doc (a GREAT man) came in and told me what he saw.
I looked up at Michelle crying with tears streaming down her face, realized how serious this really was so suddenly, and the denial was over. I was on to dealing.

That's how mine went.

SAM-
We will be your caregivers and anyone in your area who works for the American Cancer Society (this boards home page owner) will literally SEND caregivers, house cleaners, grocery shoppers and even more. A good friend from high school is the local president of the ACS in Nashville and she told me of all these services. I believe I read them posted on their resources board here, too. Just so you know you are not alone despite being alone relationship wise.

Eric

chemosmoker

TerryV said:

Excellent article
So very true. Nick's "head in the sand" is his version of denial. And you know, that's okay. He was able to smile through his treatments. He didn't have the knowledge of the "big scaries" that EC is capable of. He didn't want that knowledge.

I think as long as one person in the mix has knowledge or at the very least curiousity to find the knowledge, the other can be comfortable in gaining whatever amount of information is acceptable to them.

Appreciate this post, Michelle!

Hugs back to you!

Terry

Hair
So we want to see Nicks HAIR now. I do anyway. Seems to be such a focus of all your profile pics. Where do we stand today? LOL

with love
Eric

TerryV

chemosmoker said:

Hair
So we want to see Nicks HAIR now. I do anyway. Seems to be such a focus of all your profile pics. Where do we stand today? LOL

with love
Eric

New photo needed
Too funny, Eric. That 1st photo was a "take this now because it's the longest I've ever grown" photo. That was taken the week he got it cut. Typically, I take really good pics of my thumb.

I'll have to get a good photo of us soon. His hair is about collar length. He was fortunate, he didn't lose his hair. It started shaking out a bit in round 2 chemo, but he learned not to rub or brush too vigorously. We think that allowed the hair to "reroot".

so, working on it...

Terry

sangora

chemosmoker said:

CAREGIVERS for Sam and help, and my pain
Sal,
Thanks. I am getting relief from BOTH pains now,

As for DENIAL, I had it for 5 minutes (may have been a little less) when the GI doc (a GREAT man) came in and told me what he saw.
I looked up at Michelle crying with tears streaming down her face, realized how serious this really was so suddenly, and the denial was over. I was on to dealing.

That's how mine went.

SAM-
We will be your caregivers and anyone in your area who works for the American Cancer Society (this boards home page owner) will literally SEND caregivers, house cleaners, grocery shoppers and even more. A good friend from high school is the local president of the ACS in Nashville and she told me of all these services. I believe I read them posted on their resources board here, too. Just so you know you are not alone despite being alone relationship wise.

Eric

Thank You Eric
I did not know about the services the Cancer Society provides. Right now I am holding my own ( with the help of what I read on this board) but the time is going to come when I will need some additional help and I know this. Just glad I can put it off for awhile. Sam

jgwright

chemosmoker said:

CAREGIVERS for Sam and help, and my pain
Sal,
Thanks. I am getting relief from BOTH pains now,

As for DENIAL, I had it for 5 minutes (may have been a little less) when the GI doc (a GREAT man) came in and told me what he saw.
I looked up at Michelle crying with tears streaming down her face, realized how serious this really was so suddenly, and the denial was over. I was on to dealing.

That's how mine went.

SAM-
We will be your caregivers and anyone in your area who works for the American Cancer Society (this boards home page owner) will literally SEND caregivers, house cleaners, grocery shoppers and even more. A good friend from high school is the local president of the ACS in Nashville and she told me of all these services. I believe I read them posted on their resources board here, too. Just so you know you are not alone despite being alone relationship wise.

Eric

Help!
Fantastic info, Eric. I didn't know that about the ACS either. Don't need any help now, but who knows what I'll need in 6 months to a year.

Take care.

--Jerry

megmacmd

Denail
Denial can be a very handy tool My youngest son in college is in denail doesntwant to accept or talk about my diagnosis but he is only 21 and last year at college UVAuniversity of virginia hisgrandfatner dad myself and his sisterwent there he is in a fraternity and is enjoying those fun 20s no resposibity just life agreat girlfriend hope she doesnt break his heart but life goes on I hope to be able to work at my great job as a pediatric hospital neonatolgist always challenges I have decided as a stage IVa-b who really knows always a surprise at every turn I willnot doany more chemo after 12 flofox treatments things were stabilzed but soo many side effects I would rather just live as long as I can as me no arificial intervention it is what it is this is a very strange desease not even mentioned during med school 35 years ago seems every case is very different so cant predict anything may stay stable for a long or short time chemo may or not help not asurgical candidate kind of glad because I hate being a patient especailly as a doctor know all the bad things that can happen used to tell my family hospitals are dangerous people die there would rather die at home as my fatnerfrom bladder cancer 5years ago and my sister from breast cancer 4 years ago and my mom 1 year ago from brast cancer My husand died suddenly 3 years ago of a brain aneursym way to go I hope you can continue on in a loving safe environment until your time no horror stories just a last peacful time until it is your time I have explored all sorts of alternatives and I personally have decided just going with the floe is my best alternative with no immediate caregiver I will persevere until the end and take what comes I dont believe in drawing things out would rather live life until the end doing what I love . Hopefully it wint be a drawn death and no one has to agonize about me I have had a great life great family 3 great children and husband of 30 years we were high schoo sweat heart and had a graet time But this is a very elusive unpreticale disease never know whats behind the next curtain I wish you the best and hope you have someone to support you through this journey wish I had an answer thatwould be magical but wish you the best and would love to hear your take on any answers you could bring to the table Steve Jobs even couldnt escape his fianl out come despite all the money in the world But I believe in living life to the fullest until our time comes and may it be a painfree peaceful death Hard to be your own caretaker I hope you have someone in the wings to help you very loney I am very shy and dont want to bother people with my problems Life is so complex in this digital era The best to you and dont do this alone it is very scary never know please take take care and find someone to help you Meg McIntyre

megmacmd

Denial
I think denial is good Kinda of like hope if it works itworks best of luck in your journey AT least you have each other which is all that is needed so lucky and blessed to have a great caretaker My prayers are with you Meg mcIntyre

megmacmd

Denial
I think denial is good Kinda of like hope if it works itworks best of luck in your journey AT least you have each other which is all that is needed so lucky and blessed to have a great caretaker My prayers are with you Meg mcIntyre