Funny. Just had to post this. Not me:)
WARNING : ONLY Read This When You Are Able To LAUGH OUT LOUD.
I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that
course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had
prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're
definitely going to **** yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff,
although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written
guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt
cheeks WILL fall off..
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups
of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No
'Watson's Movement. Despite the chilies swimming their way through my
intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony
referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.
Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just
when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and
supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all
seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping
items in for purchase.. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of
the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm
referring to that 'Uh, Oh, ****, gotta go' pain that always seems to
hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The
chilies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush
for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines,
forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take
one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet
relief, it happened. The chilies fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped
in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I
was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape
me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part
of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a
red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his
reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to
dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions
emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will
be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I
simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently
indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before
gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and
waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees.
This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh.
.......BIG mistake!!!!!
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped
down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue
burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I
was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that
someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly
things were no longer funny.. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through
the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way,
praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began
the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my
**** is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was
in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.. He made
a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-****!, did it smell
Comments
-
OMG!! - I actually have
OMG!! - I actually have tears running down my cheek in laughter! My co-workers haven't seen me laugh so hard in years! Thanks, I needed that. :-D0 -
That is too funny!!!LivinginNH said:OMG!! - I actually have
OMG!! - I actually have tears running down my cheek in laughter! My co-workers haven't seen me laugh so hard in years! Thanks, I needed that. :-D
That is too funny!!!0 -
That is too funny!!!LivinginNH said:OMG!! - I actually have
OMG!! - I actually have tears running down my cheek in laughter! My co-workers haven't seen me laugh so hard in years! Thanks, I needed that. :-D
That is too funny!!!0 -
I was on the edge of tears
I was on the edge of tears when I came upon your post... I laughed so hard that I used up all my tears on your post. Maybe I will cry the sad one another time. Thank you!0 -
I guess that's a good thingBrenda Bricco said:I was on the edge of tears
I was on the edge of tears when I came upon your post... I laughed so hard that I used up all my tears on your post. Maybe I will cry the sad one another time. Thank you!
I guess that's a good thing about having a permanent colostomy!!0 -
Now THAT was really
Now THAT was really funny.... I laughed out loud.
Thanks....0 -
We laughed! Oh. so funny & true!scouty said:Been there done that
I just blew some away at CP9!
I hate it and am always embarrassed but it's the new normal I guess.
Lisa P.
We laughed! Oh. so funny & true!0 -
Raquel
It's evening, just sat down to the computer and this is the first thing I read.
Ahhhh, the tears are flowing, the belly hurts, the laughter was very loud.
Thank you, enjoyed it, very much.
ROFLMAO,
Winter Marie0 -
involuntary...
laughter. "...road kill chili": Is that armadillo, polecat, porcupine, racc0on, possum or the assorted flavors pack? Reminds me about the 1960s Beverly Hillbiliies, Granny: "Vittles!"; "How do you like yer possum, Lowell, fallin' off the bones tender or with a little fight left in it?"0 -
thanks raquel, you just boosted my immune system
its a great story, its happened like that to me as well.
hugs,
pete0
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