ambiguous feelings

mamolady

Tomorrow marks one year since I found out I have cancer. I have been trying to think of it as positive, but when I recall the day, it is not easy. I have been feeling apprehensive all week. I am not sad, but I am not "happy" either. I want to mark the day, but I am not sure how.
My daughter thinks I should celebrate, but I don't know if that is right either.

Mostly I think I just need to "talk" to someone who understands.

Someday September 30th will just be another day. Tomorrow I think I will just be grateful that that day came soon enough to make a difference.

Thank you to all of you that are hear to listen,
Cindy

mom62

I understand
Hi,

It was October 31, 2003 for me. My kids were waiting at home for me to trick or treat. I had five minutes between the doctors office and home to have a breakdown. I walked in the house with a smile on my face and took the kids out. I don't know how I did it but I did. I have never liked Halloween anyway and now it's even worse. I had a recurrance in 2009 but I could not tell you what day that was. I guess you will always remember the first time you hear those words. It does help to talk about it.

Hugs,
Terry

poplolly

August 21st was the one year
August 21st was the one year anniversary for me. September 14th was the day I had my mastectomy. I guess I'm not celebrating because I'm still fearful that it will return. I know it takes time to get that thought out of your head, or so I'm told. I would just as soon not have to remember all I've been through to this point. You may feel the same as I do. What I'd be celebrating is the way my life has changed due to the cancer, and I don't think that's such a positive thing.

Judy

Gabe N Abby Mom

My "day" is Aug 2nd...I have
My "day" is Aug 2nd...I have only seen one of those pass since my original dx. And I had the exact same feelings. I thought I should celebrate because I made it through the year, but it was very hard for me to celebrate the anniversary of such horrid news. Somehow I ended up doing a little celebrating (went out to dinner with my family), but mostly I spent the day reflecting on the last year.

And yes, I was anxious and "off" the whole week surrounding the day. Like you, I do hope it becomes just another day.

Hugs,

Linda

New Flower

Gabe N Abby Mom said:

My "day" is Aug 2nd...I have
My "day" is Aug 2nd...I have only seen one of those pass since my original dx. And I had the exact same feelings. I thought I should celebrate because I made it through the year, but it was very hard for me to celebrate the anniversary of such horrid news. Somehow I ended up doing a little celebrating (went out to dinner with my family), but mostly I spent the day reflecting on the last year.

And yes, I was anxious and "off" the whole week surrounding the day. Like you, I do hope it becomes just another day.

Hugs,

Linda

I never celebrated the day of my original diagnosis
I never celebrated the day of my original diagnosis. It is still a day of reflection and grief.
I have however celebrated my first & second mastectomy anniversary as since tumors were removed from my body. There are much happier days for me like completion of Chemo & radiation.

Cindy,
Congratulations on 1 year survivorship, the most difficult and important milestone in this journey
Hugs
New Flower

laughs_a_lot

mom62 said:

I understand
Hi,

It was October 31, 2003 for me. My kids were waiting at home for me to trick or treat. I had five minutes between the doctors office and home to have a breakdown. I walked in the house with a smile on my face and took the kids out. I don't know how I did it but I did. I have never liked Halloween anyway and now it's even worse. I had a recurrance in 2009 but I could not tell you what day that was. I guess you will always remember the first time you hear those words. It does help to talk about it.

Hugs,
Terry

Wow
Talk about scarry on Holoween.

laughs_a_lot

one year
This will come up at the end of February for me. I have no idea how I will feel. I just know life will be better than the day I got the news.

natly15

laughs_a_lot said:

one year
This will come up at the end of February for me. I have no idea how I will feel. I just know life will be better than the day I got the news.

On Oct 6 it will be 2 years
On Oct 6 it will be 2 years that I started chemo. These 2 years have gone by quickly.My treatment completion date was June 15, 2010 and that is the day I remember most.

bluwillo

I am so RUDE to cancer!
I don't remember the days I was diagnosed, the two biopsies, mastectomy, chemo, rads...none of those dates mean anything special to me. I know, that sounds weird, but here's why:

I have such disdain for this disease, I refuse to even learn how to spell some of the stuff that goes with it correctly. I flip cancer off every chance I get! I figure it ate up enough of my life, it's not going to eat up my brain! (And this avoidance of medical is very weird for me to do, as I have some medical background...including taking care of my MIL's doctor life before she passed-Alzheimer's- right until I was diagnosed. Thankfully, she never knew about my diagnosis. I figured her realizing, over and over again, that one of her kids had cancer would be a constant freak-out for her.)

So, I choose to put all that cancer stuff in the "drawer that must not be opened" in my head. Sure, I still think about having cancer (oh, that lovely Tamoxofin makes sure of that!) but I try to stay in the here and now. And besides, I get "jittery" a couple of days before my onc visits...that's enough time wasted on cancer!

disneyfan2008

My own way of thinking in my
My own way of thinking in my situation is:

I got through it-and it's a happy day for me. Same as the day I finished Radation. I think of it could have been so much worse (MINE caught early). I realized I had great family and friends (which I knew).

Of Course there is NO right or wrong..I used journals which really helped me..

Denise

I do not remember date I was told 'not good but not bad'...I do remember my last treatment JUNE 28, 08

mamolady

Thank you Everyone
I feel better than I thought I would. I keep repeating in my head what the pastor of our church used to say about having in "attitude of gratitude".
Today is a beautiful fall day, I have a great family, good job and support from more people than I can count!

Cindy

mwallace1325

disneyfan2008 said:

My own way of thinking in my
My own way of thinking in my situation is:

I got through it-and it's a happy day for me. Same as the day I finished Radation. I think of it could have been so much worse (MINE caught early). I realized I had great family and friends (which I knew).

Of Course there is NO right or wrong..I used journals which really helped me..

Denise

I do not remember date I was told 'not good but not bad'...I do remember my last treatment JUNE 28, 08

While I remember
While I remember the date I got the diagnosis (everyone, including me, knew before the biopsy results) which is April 2, 2009, I've chosen to remember April 22, 2009 (the date of my lumpectomy) since that's the date I feel I took the first step towards conquering this thing.

This like everything else is such a personal thing to count, to remember, to memorialize or to forget - it's what you need to do for yourself.

Glad you're here for the anniversary, whatever you do with that date. Hope you're around for many, many more.

marge

butterflylvr

mamolady said:

Thank you Everyone
I feel better than I thought I would. I keep repeating in my head what the pastor of our church used to say about having in "attitude of gratitude".
Today is a beautiful fall day, I have a great family, good job and support from more people than I can count!

Cindy

There you go Cindy,
There you go Cindy, celebrate LIFE... That date changed your world, but you conquered and came out stronger. Celebrate that...

Hugs buddy,
Lorrie

tgf

butterflylvr said:

There you go Cindy,
There you go Cindy, celebrate LIFE... That date changed your world, but you conquered and came out stronger. Celebrate that...

Hugs buddy,
Lorrie

Dates
I don't even remember the date I was diagnosed ... but I do remember the date I had my lumpectomy ... 1/21/09 ... and the date I started chemo 3/13/10. The chemo date was my choice ... it was Friday the 13th ... and my 65th birthday. My gift to myself ... and a new beginning to a new me. :-)

hugs.
teena

jendrey

tgf said:

Dates
I don't even remember the date I was diagnosed ... but I do remember the date I had my lumpectomy ... 1/21/09 ... and the date I started chemo 3/13/10. The chemo date was my choice ... it was Friday the 13th ... and my 65th birthday. My gift to myself ... and a new beginning to a new me. :-)

hugs.
teena

...
The only date I can remember is my last day of radiation and only because they gave me a certificate to commemorate it! lol

I hope it passes by quickly enough for you.

(((Hugs)))

bluwillo

My apologies
If anyone thought I was "disdaining" how they choose to remember cancer. We all have our own ways and feelings. I know the dates of some very important battles (Gettysburg, Normandy, etc) but this cancer battle just doesn't rate the headspace I need for other things.

for those of you who celebrate the days, GOOD FOR YOU! At least you're facing up to it. Me, I's jis hidin' my little ole head in the sand! LOL!

As a testimony to my new outlook, I play Black Eyes Peas "Gotta Feeling" on my way to work every day...as loud as my speakers will handle. It's my way of hopefully putting a positive spin on the day, before it's even started. People prolly think the little lady pumping her fists in the minivan looks funny...and you know what? IT IS! It makes me and them SMILE!!

Congrats to each and every one of you, on each and every anniversary!

Tonight’s the night night
Let’s live it up
I got my money
Let’s spend it up
Go out and smash it
Like Oh My God
Jump off that sofa
Let’s get get OFF
I know that we’ll have a ball
If we get down
And go out
And just loose it all
I feel stressed out
I wanna let it go
Lets go way out spaced out
And loosing all control
Fill up my cup
Mozoltov!

(oh, ps. I'm too old to like this kind of music (over 50) but, just like I ignore cancer, I ignore age when it comes to music. CRANK IT UP!)

bluwillo

My apologies

Dupe...I liked the post, but not enough for two postings!

grams2jc

I am heading into that territory too Cindy
My mammo was 10/14 and everything happened then thru the end of November. I understand completely what you are saying and feel like I really don't know what to feel. I guess if I can just get through November again without any scary news..I have a CT, an MO visit, a mammo all lined up in October...I MAY start to feel better about it all. BUT I make no promises, LOL.

Glad you made it this far and that it isn't going as bad as you thought it might.

Congrats,

Jennifer

carkris

grams2jc said:

I am heading into that territory too Cindy
My mammo was 10/14 and everything happened then thru the end of November. I understand completely what you are saying and feel like I really don't know what to feel. I guess if I can just get through November again without any scary news..I have a CT, an MO visit, a mammo all lined up in October...I MAY start to feel better about it all. BUT I make no promises, LOL.

Glad you made it this far and that it isn't going as bad as you thought it might.

Congrats,

Jennifer

I dont celebrate anything to
I dont celebrate anything to do with cancer. I get blue around that time. In fact I get blue and wonder why, then I remember. some days I would have a really down day and not even know what date it was. My first diagnosis was in 1994 so I have had a few years practice. I do celebrat everyday I am alive however.
and having diatain for cancer is perfect kick it to the curb!!!

sbmly53

I can absolutely relate
I am coming up on two years October 28. It seems both far away and just like yesterday. I have 'flashbacks' - every now and again, mostly when I have an appointment or certain dates - they just trigger very vivid memories.

I don't celebrate, but I am certainly aware of the date. I am a day late, your day has come and gone - tomorrow will be brighter, I know that for sure.

Sue

New Flower

bluwillo said:

My apologies
If anyone thought I was "disdaining" how they choose to remember cancer. We all have our own ways and feelings. I know the dates of some very important battles (Gettysburg, Normandy, etc) but this cancer battle just doesn't rate the headspace I need for other things.

for those of you who celebrate the days, GOOD FOR YOU! At least you're facing up to it. Me, I's jis hidin' my little ole head in the sand! LOL!

As a testimony to my new outlook, I play Black Eyes Peas "Gotta Feeling" on my way to work every day...as loud as my speakers will handle. It's my way of hopefully putting a positive spin on the day, before it's even started. People prolly think the little lady pumping her fists in the minivan looks funny...and you know what? IT IS! It makes me and them SMILE!!

Congrats to each and every one of you, on each and every anniversary!

Tonight’s the night night
Let’s live it up
I got my money
Let’s spend it up
Go out and smash it
Like Oh My God
Jump off that sofa
Let’s get get OFF
I know that we’ll have a ball
If we get down
And go out
And just loose it all
I feel stressed out
I wanna let it go
Lets go way out spaced out
And loosing all control
Fill up my cup
Mozoltov!

(oh, ps. I'm too old to like this kind of music (over 50) but, just like I ignore cancer, I ignore age when it comes to music. CRANK IT UP!)

bluwillo
so strange that your first post was not offensive, however your apology is. While you mentioned the difference of opinions it sounds like a fight.