hubby stage iv. don't know if I can stay strong.
e vent
Comments
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venting is good!tootsie1 said:*hugs*
Vent away, dear! You've have devastating news, and you need to find a way to get through it. Go outside and scream, find a quiet place to pray, whatever works for you. And you're welcome to come here and vent all day, if you need to!
*hugs*
Gail
Thank you Gail! yep, I can't really vent to hubby or kids! although I am so worried about the kids. my 15 year old caught had a really bad time went we went through this in 09. my 11 year old keeps everything inside. I'm irritable at my best friend because she reacts in a way thatI feel is insensitive. and what to say when people ask , "how are you doing?". I do want to scream0 -
mCRC
Hi Alex,
Mets to the liver are sometimes treatable, with curative intent, via surgery.
Even if your husband is not a candidate for surgery at this time, there are other options, like chemo and SIR-Spheres which can shrink the tumors and may open the possibility of surgery in the future.
Even with that, the treatments for mCRC (metastatic ColoRectal Cancer) have come a long way, and a patient diagnosed after 2004 has a 150% better chance of being alive in five years than one who was diagnosed in 1999. There is a good chance your husband may see all of his kids graduate high school, and possibly college, even if they do not cure his cancer.
Some things to look into now though. Does he have a Long Term Disability plan at work? I went for a year and a half working through my treatments, but recently made the decision to retire (at 53). I am able to do this because Social Security Disability considers mCRC to be an automatic qualifier, and my employer had a good LTD policy that I can take advantage of. Disability retirement also removes any penalties for accessing 401k funds prior to the usual retirement age and, if you have life insurance through his employer, there may be the possibility of collecting some of those funds early to cover things like COBRA expenses.
As a caregiver, look into support groups via LIVESTRONG and the American Cancer Society. Schedule time for yourself, and make sure you get any assistance you need. I highly recommend scheduling a night out with a good friend, or even a weekend away if you can arrange it. It is a hard job, and often one that goes unappreciated when speaking with friends and relatives. For the moment, it sounds as if your husband can handle the kids for night or two.
Speaking as a patient, we have lots of good days, and it is helpful if our caregivers grant us credit that we are able to care for ourselves, at least part of the time.
There is a member on the Head and Neck board with the username soccerfreaks (Joe, and he is also the moderator of the chatroom here). He keeps an interesting blog, and I read it from time to time to remind me that my battle with cancer could be a whole lot worse. He has a lot of humor, and writes well, so I recommend looking it up.
This is not good news, but you can get through it. There is help, and there is hope.
Blake0 -
Vent is good , but don't demonstrate your fears in front of himalexinlv said:venting is good!
Thank you Gail! yep, I can't really vent to hubby or kids! although I am so worried about the kids. my 15 year old caught had a really bad time went we went through this in 09. my 11 year old keeps everything inside. I'm irritable at my best friend because she reacts in a way thatI feel is insensitive. and what to say when people ask , "how are you doing?". I do want to scream
it seems he is in an excellent attitude and that's a good way to start to get cured. I'm sure you can do it you have done it before and now you got here a big gang of friends to help you and listen your fears .
Be strong my friend you have done it before!0 -
Hugs for you all
While cancer has been in your lives for a while, this latest news has to have been a blow to you all.
Given your situation, you might want to seek some family counseling targeted for those dealing with a cancer diagnosis. Check with your local American Cancer Society and with your local hospital and docs. You and yours do not have to travel this emotional road alone.
Vent here as much as you need, but please find someone locally who can help you and your family through this trying time.
Prayers for you all.
Marie who loves kitties0 -
Vent
The doc that did the colonoscopy came out and told my wife and I that I had cancer.
My wife cried, I said "okay".
I figured I was so young (55) the cancer couldn't be too far along.
My wife started crying when the surgeon told us that there were 4 of 33 lymph nodes involved.
She had done the research and knew that wasn't good.
I, on the other hand, was ignorant and had to ask if that was bad.
Ignorance is bliss in my case.
My point is, the spouse feels less in control, less able to affect the outcome of treatment.
Myself, I just decided to push forward and do the chemo, no big deal (which kicked my butt and I missed 5 months of work).
You are, emotionally, in a worse position than your husband.
You have no control and he does.
We may have no control over our cancer, but it is "our" cancer.
Ownership gives us an advantage over the beast that loved ones can never have.
If I do not make sense then I do not communicate well.
If I do not make sense then I am the only one that believes in what I am trying to say.
If I do not make sense then I am delusional.
Best wishes and prayers
Mark0 -
Thanks Pepe! I will try topepebcn said:Vent is good , but don't demonstrate your fears in front of him
it seems he is in an excellent attitude and that's a good way to start to get cured. I'm sure you can do it you have done it before and now you got here a big gang of friends to help you and listen your fears .
Be strong my friend you have done it before!
Thanks Pepe! I will try to be strong and won't vent in front of him. btw We are huge FC Barca fans! We never miss a game and would die to go to Barcelona!0 -
Great info, Blake. lot toBuckwirth said:mCRC
Hi Alex,
Mets to the liver are sometimes treatable, with curative intent, via surgery.
Even if your husband is not a candidate for surgery at this time, there are other options, like chemo and SIR-Spheres which can shrink the tumors and may open the possibility of surgery in the future.
Even with that, the treatments for mCRC (metastatic ColoRectal Cancer) have come a long way, and a patient diagnosed after 2004 has a 150% better chance of being alive in five years than one who was diagnosed in 1999. There is a good chance your husband may see all of his kids graduate high school, and possibly college, even if they do not cure his cancer.
Some things to look into now though. Does he have a Long Term Disability plan at work? I went for a year and a half working through my treatments, but recently made the decision to retire (at 53). I am able to do this because Social Security Disability considers mCRC to be an automatic qualifier, and my employer had a good LTD policy that I can take advantage of. Disability retirement also removes any penalties for accessing 401k funds prior to the usual retirement age and, if you have life insurance through his employer, there may be the possibility of collecting some of those funds early to cover things like COBRA expenses.
As a caregiver, look into support groups via LIVESTRONG and the American Cancer Society. Schedule time for yourself, and make sure you get any assistance you need. I highly recommend scheduling a night out with a good friend, or even a weekend away if you can arrange it. It is a hard job, and often one that goes unappreciated when speaking with friends and relatives. For the moment, it sounds as if your husband can handle the kids for night or two.
Speaking as a patient, we have lots of good days, and it is helpful if our caregivers grant us credit that we are able to care for ourselves, at least part of the time.
There is a member on the Head and Neck board with the username soccerfreaks (Joe, and he is also the moderator of the chatroom here). He keeps an interesting blog, and I read it from time to time to remind me that my battle with cancer could be a whole lot worse. He has a lot of humor, and writes well, so I recommend looking it up.
This is not good news, but you can get through it. There is help, and there is hope.
Blake
Great info, Blake. lot to think about and good questions to ask him. I wonder, do mets to liver typically respond to treatment ? he has 4 mets. is that bad on the scale for treatment? what to expect far as physicalsymptoms because of the liver mets? he's not a candidate for surgery yet. doing oxipilatin, avastin and the other one that I can't think of the name right now. thank you! Alex0 -
hi Marie. yes I am notLovekitties said:Hugs for you all
While cancer has been in your lives for a while, this latest news has to have been a blow to you all.
Given your situation, you might want to seek some family counseling targeted for those dealing with a cancer diagnosis. Check with your local American Cancer Society and with your local hospital and docs. You and yours do not have to travel this emotional road alone.
Vent here as much as you need, but please find someone locally who can help you and your family through this trying time.
Prayers for you all.
Marie who loves kitties
hi Marie. yes I am not waiting for counseling/support group this time. thank you for your support! alex0 -
exactly! wow! you said itmarqimark said:Vent
The doc that did the colonoscopy came out and told my wife and I that I had cancer.
My wife cried, I said "okay".
I figured I was so young (55) the cancer couldn't be too far along.
My wife started crying when the surgeon told us that there were 4 of 33 lymph nodes involved.
She had done the research and knew that wasn't good.
I, on the other hand, was ignorant and had to ask if that was bad.
Ignorance is bliss in my case.
My point is, the spouse feels less in control, less able to affect the outcome of treatment.
Myself, I just decided to push forward and do the chemo, no big deal (which kicked my butt and I missed 5 months of work).
You are, emotionally, in a worse position than your husband.
You have no control and he does.
We may have no control over our cancer, but it is "our" cancer.
Ownership gives us an advantage over the beast that loved ones can never have.
If I do not make sense then I do not communicate well.
If I do not make sense then I am the only one that believes in what I am trying to say.
If I do not make sense then I am delusional.
Best wishes and prayers
Mark
exactly! wow! you said it exactly right. I totally get it! and that's how I feel. I am soooo grateful for this board. thank you! alex0 -
Oh the things people say...alexinlv said:venting is good!
Thank you Gail! yep, I can't really vent to hubby or kids! although I am so worried about the kids. my 15 year old caught had a really bad time went we went through this in 09. my 11 year old keeps everything inside. I'm irritable at my best friend because she reacts in a way thatI feel is insensitive. and what to say when people ask , "how are you doing?". I do want to scream
I know what you mean about insensitivity... I have been floored by what some have said to me as the wife. I had one "friend" (a cancer survivor even) say to me "oh it spread to the liver??? He's a goner" I think I was in shock when she said it, still can't believe it.
I have children very close to the same ages as you so I know your torment. I know that I have been on the "edge" many times and wondered where I would get the strength to go on. I try to take it a day at a time but somedays I have to do it an hour at a time because a whole day is just too much.
There are some amazing people in this group that just come along and pick you up, they don't know you or where you are from but for some reason GOD has given them the spirit that just want to help.
Vent away! I doubt that you could offend anyone and I hope I never do either.
Brenda0 -
so sorry for your news
I can totally relate to how you are feeling. My husband was also diagnosed with stage 4 in June with 6 lesions on his liver. He was only 51 and we also have 3 children, ages 22, 19, and 14. I was also diagnosed with stage 3 cancer 7 years ago so this is the second time we are having to deal with advanced cancer. I am beyond scared for him and our family. He has never been sick in his life so this is all new to him. People keep telling me to be strong and I try. I just have to keep reminding myself to be strong and not let him see me upset but it is very very hard. My husband went through a time when he was kind of in denial and shock and acted like everything was fine but now he is in the next stage when he keeps saying he is dying. Did they tell you what side of the liver the lessions were on? They told us that if they are all on the same side they can do surgery and remove that part of the liver with good results. Sending your prayers for strength to get throught this. This board has so many knowledgable people with helpful info. Hugs to you. Teri0 -
Same Boat
Welcome to the board. My wife is Stage 4, diagnosed in July 09. I fully expect her to be here next year! There are a lot of ways to treat liver mets, as you and your husband will find out.
Hang in there, and come to the board for support and advice.
Best0 -
Hi Alex
Hi Alex,
I'm glad you've found us and I hope you can get some good support. Everyone has shared good stuff with you. My husband was diagnosed with stage 3c in January 09 and we had clear for a few months but then stage 4 in January 2011. He is on Folfori + Avastin every two weeks. It is hard on him, very hard during chemo. However, we are living a wonderfully full life. Tonight we went to our neighborhood park and watched surf movies with our neighbors under the stars. My point is that the stage 4 diagnosis is shocking and incredibly scary. However, you will have many wonderful days with your husband and so will your kids. I am planning on many years with my husband. The truth is we never know. BTW our kids are 17 and 14.
Keep in touch.
Aloha,
Kathleen0 -
One hour at a time is greatBrenda Bricco said:Oh the things people say...
I know what you mean about insensitivity... I have been floored by what some have said to me as the wife. I had one "friend" (a cancer survivor even) say to me "oh it spread to the liver??? He's a goner" I think I was in shock when she said it, still can't believe it.
I have children very close to the same ages as you so I know your torment. I know that I have been on the "edge" many times and wondered where I would get the strength to go on. I try to take it a day at a time but somedays I have to do it an hour at a time because a whole day is just too much.
There are some amazing people in this group that just come along and pick you up, they don't know you or where you are from but for some reason GOD has given them the spirit that just want to help.
Vent away! I doubt that you could offend anyone and I hope I never do either.
Brenda
One hour at a time is great advice! I know I will be visiting this board a alot! I can tell what a loving support group it is already. thank you. it's hard to k ow how to help my children. I am scared for them. I lost my mom when I was 18 and don't want them to go through the same thing.0 -
thank you , Teri. I wouldtko683 said:so sorry for your news
I can totally relate to how you are feeling. My husband was also diagnosed with stage 4 in June with 6 lesions on his liver. He was only 51 and we also have 3 children, ages 22, 19, and 14. I was also diagnosed with stage 3 cancer 7 years ago so this is the second time we are having to deal with advanced cancer. I am beyond scared for him and our family. He has never been sick in his life so this is all new to him. People keep telling me to be strong and I try. I just have to keep reminding myself to be strong and not let him see me upset but it is very very hard. My husband went through a time when he was kind of in denial and shock and acted like everything was fine but now he is in the next stage when he keeps saying he is dying. Did they tell you what side of the liver the lessions were on? They told us that if they are all on the same side they can do surgery and remove that part of the liver with good results. Sending your prayers for strength to get throught this. This board has so many knowledgable people with helpful info. Hugs to you. Teri
thank you , Teri. I would have to lok at the reports to see what side they are on. how's your husband doing now? Alex0 -
That's great news. what hashere4lfe said:Same Boat
Welcome to the board. My wife is Stage 4, diagnosed in July 09. I fully expect her to be here next year! There are a lot of ways to treat liver mets, as you and your husband will find out.
Hang in there, and come to the board for support and advice.
Best
That's great news. what has it been like for her?0 -
Thank you Kathleen. I hopeKathleen808 said:Hi Alex
Hi Alex,
I'm glad you've found us and I hope you can get some good support. Everyone has shared good stuff with you. My husband was diagnosed with stage 3c in January 09 and we had clear for a few months but then stage 4 in January 2011. He is on Folfori + Avastin every two weeks. It is hard on him, very hard during chemo. However, we are living a wonderfully full life. Tonight we went to our neighborhood park and watched surf movies with our neighbors under the stars. My point is that the stage 4 diagnosis is shocking and incredibly scary. However, you will have many wonderful days with your husband and so will your kids. I am planning on many years with my husband. The truth is we never know. BTW our kids are 17 and 14.
Keep in touch.
Aloha,
Kathleen
Thank you Kathleen. I hope he has the strength and determination to live life fully during this time. I do remember thinking when I first joined the board, although I never posted, that you and I had a lot in common. children, time of dx, aren't you a teacher too? well I just wonder what the road ahead will be like. that's the scary part. take care, alex0 -
Her spirits have been upalexinlv said:That's great news. what has
That's great news. what has it been like for her?
No one believed she was undergoing chemo she was so upbeat. The only time she got down was on this new regime of Xeloda, Irinotecan, Avastin, but she bounced right back. Just try to keep your husband's spirits up, follow his lead, and take care of yourself. It's not selfish. You are no good to him if you do not take care of yourself.
Best0
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