Not sure what I want......
Today my MIL wrote me and told me I needed to be grateful for the cards cause most people want to call. Well I screen my calls cause I already got one of the "so sad, sorry you are pitiful calls from a cousin" UGHGHHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGH
I want MY life back. I want people to just talk to me like they use to. I am on short term disability, weekly chemo, I feel good 90% most of the time. I want to be treated normal. I have enough of this head game to deal with myself. I know people don't know what to say so they just word vomit all over themselves. But I HAVE to let it go, it's my problem. Help, help help!
Comments
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I understand completely. I
I understand completely. I wish I would've been this smart before because I treated so many people previously who was in our shoes exactly as others are treating me now. One thing that has helped is sharing with others that I don't want them to ask how we are doing. They have respected that and now I at least I have peace at work. Last week my husband said, "Every where I go people tell me how good I look. How bad did I look before I got cancer?". Even though most of our journey is painful, there's some funny stuff also. Hopefully you have someone you can laugh with too. Lisa0 -
The bright side............
I'm sorry for the way you feel and you have every right to each and every one of your feelings so don't apologize for any of them. There is a recent post about "Is that all you talk about" which is almost the opposite of yours.
Yours made me smile because you have so many people caring right now and soon it might be "Is that all you can talk about". I'm not being snide so please understand that the reason for my smile is that we go through so much with friends, family and emotions that it can sometimes be a roller coaster and today I just felt an intense kinship to you and the other post.
Tomorrow I might want to get off! I hope I made some sense because I have a hard time getting out what I'm trying to say.
My dear stayingstrong......this too shall pass.
Big Hugs,
Wanda0 -
I get it.
I'm sorry you're going through this, but I understand your feelings completely. When I was first dx, I didn't want anyone to know for the same reasons. People's reactions would scare me and put me on an emotional roller coaster I didn't want to ride on. I personally dislike it when people who never showed their concern about your life in general, suddenly show up and say they're sorry. Although I know they mean well, it's like, what's the point? Why now? I don't say this out of anger. I just feel more comfortable being surrounded by the people who have always been there for me. I don't feel weird with them, because I expect them to show concern and to care.
I also dislike when the attention becomes too much. I always heard my grandmother say to me: "don't bring flowers to my burial, give them to me now". People, in general, don't appreciate life the way it should be. They also don't appreciate people. So when a scary situation approaches, they feel the need to let it all out. Some of the people who are reaching out to you feel the need to show you they care. The problem is they never showed it this way before. Right? So it becomes weird to you. I understand!
What I did was I pointed my mom as a third person. She was the communicator. I avoided calls. And even now, no one calls! I LOVE IT! This is how it was, and this is how I want it to be, until the end. It might help to get a third person to speak for you.
One last thing: "You look great!" - HUH?!?!?!? Do you mean I don't look like a cadaver or a 3 year old child to shrunk on his own bed? I think people don't know what to say. Additionally, they're not educated about the illness and treatments. One thing we have to keep in mind is that we are ahead. Although we're going through this terrible experience, we're ahead of most people. Everyone will go one day. We have been touched by this in a way that no one else could ever understand. And even when they approach us, and they show concern, the look of denial is still there. People will always think it wont happen to them, until it does. So to them we're different, but also in a sense of fear. They are scared of what we're experiencing, because they never faced it. So their reactions come out based on that fact. They just don't know. Therefore, don't know how to react. At the end of the day, they mean well, and this is what we need to try to remember.
I hope you feel well soon. Try to communicate to them the things that bother you. Or point a third person to help you do this. Remember, you're #1 right now.0 -
Been there....AM THERE NOW...LoveBabyJesus said:I get it.
I'm sorry you're going through this, but I understand your feelings completely. When I was first dx, I didn't want anyone to know for the same reasons. People's reactions would scare me and put me on an emotional roller coaster I didn't want to ride on. I personally dislike it when people who never showed their concern about your life in general, suddenly show up and say they're sorry. Although I know they mean well, it's like, what's the point? Why now? I don't say this out of anger. I just feel more comfortable being surrounded by the people who have always been there for me. I don't feel weird with them, because I expect them to show concern and to care.
I also dislike when the attention becomes too much. I always heard my grandmother say to me: "don't bring flowers to my burial, give them to me now". People, in general, don't appreciate life the way it should be. They also don't appreciate people. So when a scary situation approaches, they feel the need to let it all out. Some of the people who are reaching out to you feel the need to show you they care. The problem is they never showed it this way before. Right? So it becomes weird to you. I understand!
What I did was I pointed my mom as a third person. She was the communicator. I avoided calls. And even now, no one calls! I LOVE IT! This is how it was, and this is how I want it to be, until the end. It might help to get a third person to speak for you.
One last thing: "You look great!" - HUH?!?!?!? Do you mean I don't look like a cadaver or a 3 year old child to shrunk on his own bed? I think people don't know what to say. Additionally, they're not educated about the illness and treatments. One thing we have to keep in mind is that we are ahead. Although we're going through this terrible experience, we're ahead of most people. Everyone will go one day. We have been touched by this in a way that no one else could ever understand. And even when they approach us, and they show concern, the look of denial is still there. People will always think it wont happen to them, until it does. So to them we're different, but also in a sense of fear. They are scared of what we're experiencing, because they never faced it. So their reactions come out based on that fact. They just don't know. Therefore, don't know how to react. At the end of the day, they mean well, and this is what we need to try to remember.
I hope you feel well soon. Try to communicate to them the things that bother you. Or point a third person to help you do this. Remember, you're #1 right now.
Some of what you wrote I could have written myself.....and when you said "pissy", sorry but I laughed out loud....I feel pissy at times myself...and I offer no apologies for it....I felt this way with my first go round two years ago and much more so now that I am dealing with a recurrence...."Oh ....BUT you look so good!" ....if I hear that one more time ....I think my reply is going to be. "As opposed to what?". I've learned that when someone asks me a stupid question I reply with " Why do you ask?" I know it's not being charitable but..I've got stage IV metastatic bc and I don't have time nor the patience for bs....I have no problem "sharing" what's going on with my health and treatment with those I KNOW who truly care...but for those who only want the gory details and I can spot those a mile away, I just say..." I'm above ground" ....that usually ends the conversation!
I so understand your feelings....and we're entitled to them, always! We ALL want our former lives...but it's impossible to turn back time...so we just have to play the hand we're dealt...and that is as unique to each and everyone of us as our cancer diagnosis....so feel pissy, hate those cards, hate the you look good, hate cancer, hate not being able to work part time.......YOU'RE ENTITLED! And don't ever apologize for it! And know that saying you're pissy gave me a good laugh...you made me laugh...and I need to laugh and I thank you for it...
Hugs from another pissy pink sister,
Nancy0 -
I was just about to ask for
I was just about to ask for your mailing address so I could send you a card! LOL
It is a damned if you do, damned if you don't kind of world, isn't it? Some of us vent and whine ( understandably!) because no one writes to us, or asks about us, or seems to care at all. We have read all too often about family members and best friends wanting us to "Get Over It" and they act as if cancer and it's aftermath should never see the light of day. And then, we have the days you are experiencing when we don't want the Beast to be brought to our attention~ as if it somehow defines us in the eyes of our friends, family an co-workers. Both sides of that coin are extremely difficult to find value in and can make for no-win situations...
You are changed~ your life has been altered, and some days cards and well-wishers will bug the crap out of you, and some days they won't! As long as you aren't being rude to the people who don't know what it is like to walk this journey, and appreciate the motive behind most of the cards and especially their senders, I have an idea that things will fall into place for you and that you can emotionally ignore those little things causing you discomfort right now. I get cards from the Kindreds here on the boards regularly~ they do know how I feel most of the time, and I am touched that I am in their thoughts, as they too have their own "stuff" to deal with.
Hang in there~ you have a right to feel everything you feel and thankfully we all have this safe place to vent and let it out! You are among Kindreds here who really do get it!
Hugs,
Chen♥0 -
tell everyone that you want to be treated as normal & healthychenheart said:I was just about to ask for
I was just about to ask for your mailing address so I could send you a card! LOL
It is a damned if you do, damned if you don't kind of world, isn't it? Some of us vent and whine ( understandably!) because no one writes to us, or asks about us, or seems to care at all. We have read all too often about family members and best friends wanting us to "Get Over It" and they act as if cancer and it's aftermath should never see the light of day. And then, we have the days you are experiencing when we don't want the Beast to be brought to our attention~ as if it somehow defines us in the eyes of our friends, family an co-workers. Both sides of that coin are extremely difficult to find value in and can make for no-win situations...
You are changed~ your life has been altered, and some days cards and well-wishers will bug the crap out of you, and some days they won't! As long as you aren't being rude to the people who don't know what it is like to walk this journey, and appreciate the motive behind most of the cards and especially their senders, I have an idea that things will fall into place for you and that you can emotionally ignore those little things causing you discomfort right now. I get cards from the Kindreds here on the boards regularly~ they do know how I feel most of the time, and I am touched that I am in their thoughts, as they too have their own "stuff" to deal with.
Hang in there~ you have a right to feel everything you feel and thankfully we all have this safe place to vent and let it out! You are among Kindreds here who really do get it!
Hugs,
Chen♥
Just tell everyone to behave as nothing has happened, that you are capable of talking about other than your health subjects and always change the subject. You can also collect card in big bag without reading them. Just keep list of people and addresses for the Thank you cards.
That is what your oncologist meant when he mentioned about building “a support system”. You are a builder; you set up topics and the rules for people who have been trying to help.
Hugs0 -
thanks everyone!!New Flower said:tell everyone that you want to be treated as normal & healthy
Just tell everyone to behave as nothing has happened, that you are capable of talking about other than your health subjects and always change the subject. You can also collect card in big bag without reading them. Just keep list of people and addresses for the Thank you cards.
That is what your oncologist meant when he mentioned about building “a support system”. You are a builder; you set up topics and the rules for people who have been trying to help.
Hugs
I guess after 3 years on the breast cancer bus it gets a little old and I suppose people do wonder why I am still kicking after so long.....
I appreciate your thoughts and glad my pissy self can give some people a laugh, that made me laugh too. It's funny isn't it, how something like cancer changes us all? One day I forget I have it then the mailman delivers my fan mail bag and I am like "shoot!" All I need is the nosey neighbor papazzari in the tree for when I run out to get the paper without my hair. LOL But I may surprise them all and go as Charlie Brown for Halloween anyway 0 -
not sure
Hello, I'm afraid I have to disagree with you. I enjoy getting cards, and phone calls from my friends and co-workers. Just when you think no one is thinking about you any more, a card arrives, it makes me feel great. I lost my mother on the same day I was having my biopsy, which lead to a mastectomy. I had to go thru her wake and funeral knowing what was going to happen down the road. I had a terrible time with the mastectomy, I developed an infection and within 3 weeks I had to have the expander removed, and wait another 2 months for the next surgery. I appreciate my friends, calling, bringing meals, taking me for a ride - just to get out of the house for an hour, sending me money they collected. I'll never be able to thank them enough, and if someone says, "you look great", I say thank you. There's nothing easy about cancer, it's hard, very hard, but I appreciate someone taking the time to call me or send a card, it show's they care, and nobody knows what to say to you, just remember they care about you.0 -
I know this is not the right
I know this is not the right reaction to what you've written, but I had to laugh because I know how you feel. And the darn things people say are so idiotic. The one I hated the most: someone would say--You look so good??! Well, I guess if you think a bald woman, with no eyebrows and lashes, with dark circles under the eyes, and a pasty complexion looks good, you are looking in the wrong mirror....
Judy0 -
just the other day I was thinkingpoplolly said:I know this is not the right
I know this is not the right reaction to what you've written, but I had to laugh because I know how you feel. And the darn things people say are so idiotic. The one I hated the most: someone would say--You look so good??! Well, I guess if you think a bald woman, with no eyebrows and lashes, with dark circles under the eyes, and a pasty complexion looks good, you are looking in the wrong mirror....
Judy
that sometimes there is no right thing for someone to say to me.
I went out to lunch with a friend and she said "I can't even imagine what you are going through". That pissed me off. Then I thought, what if she said, "I know exactly what you are going through"? well, that would piss me off too.
Yes, when people call and act all concerned sometimes it irritates me. then when no one asks how I am it irritates me too!
BTW I also "look great" and the latest "you have so much color" (???) Should I be dead white, or blue, or what????
Pissy is the word! I love it....
thanks for sharing - I can relate for sure.
Laura0 -
I kinda like that they are concerned..
but I hate the ignorant comments, especially when I am pissy! I do go out and forget to cover my bald lumpy head, and then realize it when people look then look away. Now that I have some hair growing back, I do say some, as it is coming in curly, snow white, with that male pattern baldness, I just smile.
You made me laugh, as this is how I feel from time to time. I really think that people expect me to look like the ads for St. Jude's (no pun, that is where most of my research money has always gone to), or like the cancer patients that they show in movies!
It is the ones that show pity, that usually piss me off the most. Don't pity me. Just talk to me about what is going on in the world. Talk to me about the cancer for 2 minutes then talk about normal things, or invite me to go for a ride, or shop, or for pie! This is my life, and like in the one post, this is my full time job right now, so I like my job, I will vent or explain then move on to other topics.
This is where I got to saying, okay, I will talk about cancer for 2 minutes then lets move on to uplifting topics, like world events or the economy! lol
Usually changes the whole conversation!
Glad you posted, it made me smile!
~Carol0 -
Believe it or not
I take all the concern and sponge it up. Here is why. I have said before that I had a difficult life even before bc. The other things that went wrong prior to this were things that folks at my church had little understanding for. I have had the poster family of dysfunction for years and the level of sympathy for those troubles was almost nothing. So now that I have cancer I can take the sweet salve of the concern of others and apply it to all of the previous issues where I really needed some understanding and was unable to get it. Now mind you a good many don't know what cancer is like either, but it is far more familiar to the experience of those at my church than the other issues I have faced. There is less shame associated with this issue as well. So for me bring on the cards and concern. I will soak it up and apply it well. It has brought me closer to many.0
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