Feeling all those feelings

carolyn45

I'm feeling the urge to share what I've been going through in the last month since my return home, to Scotland. Just having all of my familiar things around is enormously comforting. But it hasn't been all joy. I started reading "The Emperor of All Maladies" during my last few days in Oregon and finished it when we got here. The book is a history of cancer, written by an oncologist, and it's up for a Pulitzer. My oncologist recommended it to me, and it's gripping, fascinating, and, at times, somewhat grim. The reading coinciding with my return home seemed to offer the opportunity to feel some of the fear and despair I pushed away as I was “soldiering through” chemo and surgery. Ovarian cancer survival rates are still grim, and I can’t pretend that they’re any different or that I won’t succumb to the disease.

I've been thinking about why heart disease and diabetes don’t inspire such fear, even though they’re ultimately as deadly as cancer. There is a known progression of those diseases and there’s a sense that one has some power over decline. Good diet, exercise, stress relief...all sorts of things are known to truly help. It’s different with cancer. A neighbor where I lived in Oregon is in her late 70’s. She has had breast cancer twice with surgeries (mastectomy plus lymph nodes) and chemo both times. She drinks alcohol like it’s mother’s milk, and her diet is crap. She first had cancer 30 years ago, and she’s going strong. Our neighbor’s wife here in Lochcarron had breast cancer in her late 50’s and enjoyed almost 10 years of remission. She ate well, drank little, and exercised regularly. When it returned, the cancer was everywhere. She was gone in a few months. There’s no rhyme or reason, which contributes to that awful reality of having no control. Plus, I think it’s creepy to have normal cells turn into “alien invaders.” Most diseases entail organs or organ systems malfunctioning. Only cancer grows as an advancing, villainous army, raping and pillaging as it goes, so to speak. So much emotional energy has been given to cancer by the popular mind, too--all of the negative connotations, thought forms, and terror. Thus it's easy to be drawn into a densely negative energy field or belief system that often includes the medical establishment.

Maybe allowing all the fears of death to present themselves has given me some space for a type of surrender that perhaps the disease itself was meant to provide. Certainly the fear of death is at the core of all of our fears. The trick for me is to make friends with it and thereby be freed of fear in other aspects of my life. And that is definitely a process, not a "happening." In a new way I've realized that there's no feeling that I have to push out of my consciousness. Everything is welcome because it's THERE. I just want to learn to dance with it all. The difficult thoughts and feelings aren't as front and center as I let them become a part of me. What’s foremost in my mind, most of the time, is that I DID have a fantastic response to treatment, and I could very well have a very long remission. It’s really another level of surrender to that Love that birthed me and knows exactly when it will be time for me to return Home. And I know I have to nourish continued compassion for myself and my limitations as a human being, which means I will sometimes feel anger and sadness and fear as I live with the possibility of recurrence. All those spiritual books about "living in the now"... Get a cancer diagnosis and you can skip the books.

The last 10 days I've had a miserable sore throat. I couldn't even swallow a couple of days. Bang! My darling husband and I were both back in those awful days when I had an ileostomy and didn't know if I'd respond to chemo. I was looking up how throat cancer presents, for goodness sake! I guess that's part of the dance I'm trying to learn. I feel a little shy about posting this, as so many of you are dealing with SO much more than I. It has helped, though, just to think this all out and write. I'm accepting that my life will never be as it was BC (before cancer). There's challenge and opportunity there alongside of grief.

dreamer007

feeling all those feelings
Carolyn,

very nice essay you have written here. it speaks from your heart, and that is
where truth speaks best...
i was informed yesterday that my onc doc considers my cancer has returned,
and will be trying to have as much fun relaxing time before i have to get more
chemo... i am supposed to make sure i take arimidex everyday, and then in
a month will know if i have to get hooked up to the IVs, that i so have NOT
missed... things could get better, if the arimidex works...i feel a tad guilty for
not being more diligent taking it everyday...like this recurrence is "self inflicted"
it is what it is, and we can only go forward

i started My Grandfather's Blessings, but having a hard time reading right now
a little ADD because of the uncertainty, since this will be my first recurrence
all day today i have been saying to myself MAY THE FORCE BE WITH ME!!!!
i am ready to fight again, take on the enemy and defeat it
this is my way, and i think everyone has their own way of dealing
whatever works, is a personal choice, as there are many ways to cope

one thing i have not done in years is to go get a hamburger with onion rings,
at the local owned place, where you get good food, but nothing fancy about
the place... eating healthy foods is what i do most of the time, so i have no
guilt about splurging on a hamburger...its like a treat to me!

keep writing! what you say is very real and inspiring

dreamer

Tethys41

This saddens me
No doubt, cancer is about the scariest thing that can happen to a person. The connotaions are profound. But what I get sad and frustrated about is exactly what you said..."There is a known progression of those diseases and there’s a sense that one has some power over decline. Good diet, exercise, stress relief...all sorts of things are known to truly help. It’s different with cancer."

Our society, our doctors, and our drug companies lead us to believe this is a true statement. I don't hold the doctors accountable, as their position is based on their training. But there are so many things available to us that will help us tolerate chemo, heal our bodies and help them recover from the aftermath of treatment. I imagine some members here are tired of hearing my suggestions. But, to me the solution is so obvious. We have so much power over this disease.

I am a scientist by training and when I read the scientific papers on supplements, diet, stress management, and exercise and the effects they have on cancer, it is obvious to me that we are not helpless victims here. We, unintentionally, set up an environment that allowed our genetically compromised bodies to let cancer cells run rampant. We treated our disease with drugs that are known carcinogens. But you know what? We can fix it. The ingredients are all at our finger tips to repair the damage, strengthen our immune system, change our outlook, and live a life of joyous health. I have observed through my experience and watching other cancer patients that we can either take this opportunity to feed our victim outlook on life, or we can take it to realize and appreciate all of the wonderful things life gives us.

You have read the book that will feed your sadness, helplessness, and victimhood. My suggestion to you is to read the following books to gain a larger perspective:

Anticancer: A New Way of Life by David Servan-Schreiber
You Can't Afford the Luxury of a Negative Thought (The Life 101 Series) by Peter McWilliams

Or, if you are also tired of hearing my suggestions, I won't be offended if you choose not to. I hope you can find peace of mind.

carolenk

Tethys41 said:

This saddens me
No doubt, cancer is about the scariest thing that can happen to a person. The connotaions are profound. But what I get sad and frustrated about is exactly what you said..."There is a known progression of those diseases and there’s a sense that one has some power over decline. Good diet, exercise, stress relief...all sorts of things are known to truly help. It’s different with cancer."

Our society, our doctors, and our drug companies lead us to believe this is a true statement. I don't hold the doctors accountable, as their position is based on their training. But there are so many things available to us that will help us tolerate chemo, heal our bodies and help them recover from the aftermath of treatment. I imagine some members here are tired of hearing my suggestions. But, to me the solution is so obvious. We have so much power over this disease.

I am a scientist by training and when I read the scientific papers on supplements, diet, stress management, and exercise and the effects they have on cancer, it is obvious to me that we are not helpless victims here. We, unintentionally, set up an environment that allowed our genetically compromised bodies to let cancer cells run rampant. We treated our disease with drugs that are known carcinogens. But you know what? We can fix it. The ingredients are all at our finger tips to repair the damage, strengthen our immune system, change our outlook, and live a life of joyous health. I have observed through my experience and watching other cancer patients that we can either take this opportunity to feed our victim outlook on life, or we can take it to realize and appreciate all of the wonderful things life gives us.

You have read the book that will feed your sadness, helplessness, and victimhood. My suggestion to you is to read the following books to gain a larger perspective:

Anticancer: A New Way of Life by David Servan-Schreiber
You Can't Afford the Luxury of a Negative Thought (The Life 101 Series) by Peter McWilliams

Or, if you are also tired of hearing my suggestions, I won't be offended if you choose not to. I hope you can find peace of mind.

Interesting thread
I so appreciate all the comments shared in this thread. Before cancer, I only saw a doctor for annual Pap tests. After cancer, I developed a long list of doctors both conventional & alternative. At one point it occurred to me that I was probably more likely to die from being in a car accident (because I was spending so much time driving to & from doctor's appointments) than from cancer!

I do think that it helps to feel like you have some control over your destiny (even if it isn't true) as it lowers your overall stress. Stress is always in the "eye of the beholder." Less perception of control = more stress. Less stress --> increased capacity for healing.

The other approach is the road of acceptance. Sort of "que sera, sera." I make it a habit to practice a bit of both approaches with a lot of gratitude thrown in.

One thing I've learned about feelings is that you might as well face 'em & feel 'em as they are more likely to kick you in the butt when you least expect it if you try to suppress them.

Radioactive34

Very well put.....I spoke to
Very well put.....I spoke to a gal who has been in remission for over 12 years. The new norm stays. There is always some anxiety prior to her yearly exams. She lives a full life. Despite that she has to beat the fear OVC inspires, back into the closet every so often.

Tina Brown

Dear Carolyn 45
Thank you for your inspiring message. Some of your thoughts mirror my own. Cancer is truely a journey and one that you have to travel by yourself. You can all of the support and help along the way but the only way to come to terms with what is happening to you is to experience it and go through it alone.

It is true that every little ache and pain signals a return back to the fear and panic of cancer. Its been almost 2 years since I recieved my diagnosis and I am just in a place where I can accept that "this is my life now". I have spent 2 years resentful of the cancer not only giving me a death sentence but robbing me of my old life. Many people (without cancer) don't realise this but everything I had and did BC has gone. Thus I have spent 2 years trying to be as I was before cancer and it just won't work. My biggest challenge was to accept I have to build a new life and say goodbye to the old me.

So I guess this could be turned into a possitive thing. It could be seen as a voyage of discovery and a chance to do things that you never considered before. Me I have made a decision to leave my husband and get a place of my own. (That is long story and I will not bore you with the details) But the fact is I am seeing this as an opportunity to make a fresh start and I will try not to yearn after my old life.

Tina xx

carolyn45

The line between prudence and fear
I really appreciate all of the thoughtful feedback. First of all, Dreamer, I’m so very sorry you’re looking at a probable recurrence. You’ll be in my thoughts and prayers. Hope that hamburger with onion rings was fabulous! In the last 20 years I have eaten a super healthy diet, so I’m convinced that a bad diet doesn’t cause cancer. I have to find that line between prudence and fear. A friend of mine in Oregon had a mastectomy 2 years ago, and she literally spends her life juicing fruits and vegetables and taking supplements. She’s thrilled to do this because she feels certain she will never have a recurrence if she continues her regimen. That isn’t life to me. I’ll just continue to eat well.

I’ve so appreciated the input of Tethys and Carolen, who seem to be the experts on alternative and integrative therapies. I never had an MD before cancer, as I preferred seeing a naturopath. I wasn’t sure I would even do chemo, but the oncologist assigned to me in the hospital (after a perforated colon) GRABBED me with his eyes and passion and told me in no uncertain terms that chemo would put me into remission and would provide my best chance for long term survival. He convinced me to stop all of my supplements during chemo because no one could be sure about what might make the chemo less efficacious. As he said, “I’m an annihilator. You can become a wellness queen when I’m done with you.”

After my second round of chemo I saw my naturopath, telling him I would only take substances that were absolutely known to not interfere with chemo. L-Glutamine took away the “kicked in the gut” feeling I’d been experiencing. Alpha Lipoic Acid and Opti DHA and a few other things seemed to lessen the post chemo aches and pains. My dear (and gorgeous) oncologist wanted me to stay in Oregon for a year of maintenance Taxol. No way that was going to happen! I yearned too much for home. Post chemo my naturopath had an enormous assortment of supplements that he adamantly told me I needed. Please. I refuse to have my life revolve around taking potions and pills before during and after meals. My dear friend and caregiver is an expert in muscle testing (kinesiology). Right there with my ND we muscle tested the 3 dozen or so products he had laid out for me. I ended up with 8, including a liquid that has yew bark (natural Taxol). My body was very clear about what it wanted.

My naturopath does IV Vit.C, and he REALLY pushed for me to do the treatments. I didn’t feel drawn to it, and quite frankly I didn’t want to pay the money! It felt like falling into fear to go that route, although for someone else the Vit.C would be spot on. That’s my point. Each one of us has to find our own very individual way of taking care of ourselves. That’s one reason why this forum is so valuable. We get all kinds of insights and information along with amazing support for our journeys.

I get angry and frustrated and saddened by the “not knowing,” but that’s something I’ve always fought—the fact that life is rarely predictable. I’ve never been angry that I have cancer. Initially I had this sensation of incredible awe that I have drawn this into my life. I was a psychotherapist for 25 years, and I’ve always told clients that only brave souls “sign up” for such a searing odyssey. So part of me is proud that I’m this courageous. As Tina aptly put it, it IS a “voyage of discovery” for all of us.