Chemo on thursday, really scared

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  • chemosmoker
    chemosmoker Member Posts: 501
    #22
    LeeinLondon said:

    Thanks everyone
    I received some private messages from several folks and I really appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts with me. I stand by my decision and forward I go. I'm sorry but I just don't have it in me to type detailed responses to you all, but rest assured they were all read...several times.

    Having a partner that has been so involved in all this really helps, because I know that chantal won't mislead me or tell me what I want to hear. I think it would be so much more difficult if your spouse was totally against your decision which I can see being common.

    This isn't suicide. I have no urge to die. I want to live, and to me living is waking most days with some purpose, feeling energetic and upbeat, and looking forward to the little and big milestones in your life (mmmm! BBQ tonight!).. without those things, that's not life, that's existence.

    When we left the hospital yesterday wherein I would have normally stayed for an IV chemo session, a chill ran down my spine with relief that I didn't have to go through with it. I think it's very telling that chemo scares me more than death.

    You are special people.
    Lee

    More than welcome...
    Lee,
    It was great to see this reply by you...
    I think that was beautifully written. It touched me.

    I know I get a lot of slack for NOT ever doing any chemo ("not even TRYING" is the mantra a lot of my family has decided is supportive!!) but I can still SO relate to the last line in your post. Chemo scares me more than death, too. And I didn't have to taste it to know this in my heart and soul. I have felt that very same chill each and every time we have left Ingram and the throngs of people waiting to go to the second floor infusion room are there, looking so weak and tired and so forth, and I feel GUILTY walking out the door to the sunshine, with food in my stomach, my pallor and color looking good, and my oncologist saying how well I am doing (eating, gaining weight, exercising, following our treatment plan that still doesn't involve chemo, the possibility of palliative radiation, etc.) but I feel that chill though all the same.
    I know it well.
    Mine may come from a different perspective, but I have learned a lot about how people really feel and what they do and don't admit when you challenge what THEY are comfortable with. Very eye-opening.

    I wish you all the hope, recovery, strength, BBQ-filled nights and romance with Chantal that you SO deserve. I support you as do SO many people here, and I am glad you sound like you have found some peace with your decision.

    Just remember what I and many others said before, the door to the chemo infusion lab has not been closed, just shut for a while, while you re-**** your recovery. You can, like me, go running to the chair any time you wish.

    I am glad you are sounding somewhat more calm and I am praying for you and Chantal day and night. My list is long, but there is always room for more as we ALL need those prayers coming and going!

    God bless.

    -Eric

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