Partner Disgusted by scar

sinee

partners
well my dear, now is not the time to decide anything long term. You have to focus on you, if she is scared, and she probably is that, she is just going to have to deal with it, and then get back to helping you get through this. Perhaps you can tell her what you need from her, sometimes, if you can't talk about it, write it down, see if she is willing to read it. Scars are tough on everyone, she didn't know what to expect and there isn't a manual written on the "right way to respond"... I have had to flat out tell my partner of 15 years that I need a hug, or can she just hold my hand right now, because I am scared...I think I tended to "expect" her to understand what I was going through, because afterall, she is a woman, so shouldn't she understand better than a husband, the answer is no...she will only understand what we help her to understand...take the pressure off of her, and off of yourself. Talk, and know that she is holding her breath~waiting to exhale herself when she knows that you are going to be ok....just like you, she wants your other life back. And just like you, it has changed into a new normal. Nothing will be the same, you will both grow, and change through this..it will bring out the best and the worst in both of you. It certainly has for myself and my partner, there were times when I didn't think we were going to make it through. We did, and now that we are on the other side of the tunnel and planning a little vacation for ourselves we are laughing and joking like b4, and you will get there too. You are not alone ladies, we should facebook each other, and stay in touch, your partner can chat with mine, and maybe that will help, being a caregiver was not what she bargained for either, it is just the **** you have handed to you sometimes. Cancer just sucks. No way around it. I want to just give you both a hug, you both sound like you need one. Sinee

disneyfan2008

sinee said:

partners
well my dear, now is not the time to decide anything long term. You have to focus on you, if she is scared, and she probably is that, she is just going to have to deal with it, and then get back to helping you get through this. Perhaps you can tell her what you need from her, sometimes, if you can't talk about it, write it down, see if she is willing to read it. Scars are tough on everyone, she didn't know what to expect and there isn't a manual written on the "right way to respond"... I have had to flat out tell my partner of 15 years that I need a hug, or can she just hold my hand right now, because I am scared...I think I tended to "expect" her to understand what I was going through, because afterall, she is a woman, so shouldn't she understand better than a husband, the answer is no...she will only understand what we help her to understand...take the pressure off of her, and off of yourself. Talk, and know that she is holding her breath~waiting to exhale herself when she knows that you are going to be ok....just like you, she wants your other life back. And just like you, it has changed into a new normal. Nothing will be the same, you will both grow, and change through this..it will bring out the best and the worst in both of you. It certainly has for myself and my partner, there were times when I didn't think we were going to make it through. We did, and now that we are on the other side of the tunnel and planning a little vacation for ourselves we are laughing and joking like b4, and you will get there too. You are not alone ladies, we should facebook each other, and stay in touch, your partner can chat with mine, and maybe that will help, being a caregiver was not what she bargained for either, it is just the **** you have handed to you sometimes. Cancer just sucks. No way around it. I want to just give you both a hug, you both sound like you need one. Sinee

scars: It took me 3 wks to
scars: It took me 3 wks to look post breast surgery (lumpectomy) and 8 wks to look at hysterctomy (same as incision many years ago) on my own body...so each handle things totall differently.

I HOPE things work out and you feel better soon..I can feel your disappointment for sure..just as my husband of 26 yrs very uncompassionate few months back with total hysterectomy due to cancer meds. OTHERWISE great guy that is his VERY weak point!

Denise

jendrey

disneyfan2008 said:

scars: It took me 3 wks to
scars: It took me 3 wks to look post breast surgery (lumpectomy) and 8 wks to look at hysterctomy (same as incision many years ago) on my own body...so each handle things totall differently.

I HOPE things work out and you feel better soon..I can feel your disappointment for sure..just as my husband of 26 yrs very uncompassionate few months back with total hysterectomy due to cancer meds. OTHERWISE great guy that is his VERY weak point!

Denise

...
Oh, Vigee I am so sorry that your gf had such a reaction.

Methinks that way deep down she is just so very scared that she too, may have to one day endure the very same scars herself and is quite simply horrified nee terrified.

Terrified that she couldn't ever do what you've had to do, not ever quite realizing that you just did that what you had to do. Nothing more and nothing less.

Right now, your scars, which just so happen to be attached to you, perhaps represent something that has shaken her to her very core and as such pose as a source of severe anxiety.

Seems the scars are much more than just the result of a life sparing medical procedure at this particular time. And what do we do when we are presented with something that forces us to delve into our deepest fears?

Why, we distance ourselves as best we can and however we can. We snap at our 'better halves' and even hate them just a little for bringing such things close to our inner safety. We do not realize that in our haste to distance ourselves from potentially having to even think about enduring everything that the scars represent; that we are only hurting ourselves and pushing those that - we love the very most in the world - that we're pushing our loved ones as far away as possible. And at a time when most needed.

Maybe something like this is at hand...maybe not.

(((Hugs)))

disneyfan2008

jendrey said:

...
Oh, Vigee I am so sorry that your gf had such a reaction.

Methinks that way deep down she is just so very scared that she too, may have to one day endure the very same scars herself and is quite simply horrified nee terrified.

Terrified that she couldn't ever do what you've had to do, not ever quite realizing that you just did that what you had to do. Nothing more and nothing less.

Right now, your scars, which just so happen to be attached to you, perhaps represent something that has shaken her to her very core and as such pose as a source of severe anxiety.

Seems the scars are much more than just the result of a life sparing medical procedure at this particular time. And what do we do when we are presented with something that forces us to delve into our deepest fears?

Why, we distance ourselves as best we can and however we can. We snap at our 'better halves' and even hate them just a little for bringing such things close to our inner safety. We do not realize that in our haste to distance ourselves from potentially having to even think about enduring everything that the scars represent; that we are only hurting ourselves and pushing those that - we love the very most in the world - that we're pushing our loved ones as far away as possible. And at a time when most needed.

Maybe something like this is at hand...maybe not.

(((Hugs)))

just checking back in to see
just checking back in to see how things are going!

Denise

have you checked you cancer center to see about therapy or social worker? I used mine few times..mostly when i was in meltdown from work issues and cancer...

also journal...may not help alot..just vent....(here is great as you know to vent)

Denise