To scared to do my Chemo.....

I was scheduled to do my Chemo last Friday and i was admitted to the hospital to do my first round of R-CHOP. I was to scared to go through with the Chemo and ended up telling my Dr i was not going to do it.. I know i have to do it but i am so scared and i feel really bad for not doing it, i feel like a coward. How does everyone deal with having to go through with this. I am not affraid of the CHOP part of the chemo its the R because i have heard of people having bad reactions to it and i am very affriad of dying. I want to be here for my son and family.... I just have no idea in how to handle this..


  • dixiegirl
    dixiegirl Member Posts: 1,043 Member
    Oh honey
    The rituxan part of the chemo for me was by FAR the easiest. I had no trouble with it the first time around. After I relapsed it had been a while since I'd had it and I did react slightly, just a little scratchy throat and some minor itching. The nurses stopped the infusion and just gave me some saline for about 30 minutes and then proceeded with no other issues.

    Please don't let the chemo scare you honey. It's ok to be frightened and believe me when I say the nurses keep a very close eye on you and watch you for any signs of trouble. I personally have had other serious issues with a reaction to an antibiotic that put me in the hospital.

    I know cancer is terrifying but you CAN DO THIS!! Don't let cancer win. Put the boxing gloves on and get ready for the fight!

    Take care,
  • KC13167
    KC13167 Member Posts: 215
    I am so sorry that you are so afraid of having chemo. Beth is right...put on the gloves, you can do it.

    I finished my 6th round of R-CHOP last October and have been in remission ever since. The nursing staff was very attentive during my first round. They will run it very slowly and will monitor you very closely. Sure I was a bit afraid, but I was terrified of the outcome if I did not have chemo as an option. I had no reactions, all went as planned. After the first infusion, things will feel better and by the third it's almost like normal.

    God bless,
  • jimwins
    jimwins Member Posts: 2,107
    Big Hug
    It's okay to be afraid. They have made great strides in
    the past ten years with treatment and managing side effects.

    I don't know your entire situation but I've been I've been
    very fortunate so far in that it hasn't been anywhere near as
    bad as I imagined or "scared myself" up for :).

    I just finished cycle 3 of 6 of R EPOCH which is a similar "milkshake".
    The others are right, it's that first one that's difficult but after you get
    through a couple cycles, it becomes more routine and less frightening.
    I jokingly refer to my treatments as the "resort" and the nurses tell me I'm
    "chemo cruising".

    I've been very fortunate through all this so far and I'm very thankful for
    many things.

    I am still processing things and it's a big pill to swallow but it is getting better.

    The biggest issue for me in terms of side effects to-date has been the prednisone.
    The link below kind of describes it for me and I hope it brings a smile to your face.
    Use every opportunity you can to laugh - it honestly helps.

    Be good to yourself :).
  • allmost60
    allmost60 Member Posts: 3,178
    More hugs!!!
    I know exactly how your feeling...we ALL do! I did the CVP-R chemo protocol which also had Rituxan in it. The first time was very scary, but everything went just fine. I am on maint Rituxan now, every other month for the next 2 years. So far after 3 maint infusions, I am still doing just fine. You will be ok sweetie, and it will get easier each time you go in. I'll keep you in my prayers and I just know you will be fine. Let us help you through your first treatment...come back and tell us how it goes..."You CAN do this"! Much love, and huge hugs for you...Sue (FNHL-2-3a-6/10)
  • bluerose
    bluerose Member Posts: 1,104
    YOU CAN DO THIS !!!!!!!!
    I am a 25 year survivor of non hodgkins lymphoma (the bad lymphoma - like there is a good one, sheesh, lol). Anywho I am writing to you to let you see that there is a great chance for survival with treatments but without them, well maybe not so much.

    I too was afraid to do the treatments for fear of the possibility of something going wrong and in fact was having a bone marrow transplant and they even gave me a percentage of chance that I could die in treatment but then again bone marrow transplants are the harshest of treatments, or at least were at that time. However even with odds, small as they were, that I might not make it all I had to do was look at my two young children who were 2 and 5 at the time and realize that this was my only chance to in fact be there for them as they grew up so I sucked it up and went for it. I had a rough time in it, I won't lie, but I made it and you can too.

    I did not have R-CHOP because the R wasn't around that long ago. I had CHOP only.However when I first started in treatment in the late 80ties they didn't even have anti nausea drugs - well not good ones anywho. I had one recurrance a year and a bit after the first diagnosis and in that short time they had come up with a good anti nausea drug so you can see even back then how fast they come up with new and better treatments and procedures to help you through.

    I prayed like I never prayed before, all through the transplant, that I be allowed to get through for my children. I believe that a Mother's prayer to be there for her children is one of the strongest prayers there is so please pray that prayer.

    Today my daughter who was 2 then has just gotten married and is almost finished University and my son is well into his new career too and is now in his mid 20ties (5 at the time of transplant). I was able to see it all and I know if I had let my fear stop me from giving it a go I would not have been, no question.

    It's not an easy decision and no one is going to tell you it will be a breeze however it's easier for some than others too so you never know.

    Don't let fear rob you of the chance to see your kids walk down the aisle or graduate from university or the chance to hold your grandchildren.

    We are here for you on this site. Write anytime along the way, we are here for support.


  • vinny59
    vinny59 Member Posts: 1,032
    Trust us, just get that first chemo done, the first is always the worst, mainly because you don't know what to expect. It's natural to not want to do this, but look and the end prize! I went thru cancer twice, and I got to tell you, I would do the treatments in a heartbeat if it meant I have a chance to get better. You can do it, think of your son...... Vinny
  • JoanieP
    JoanieP Member Posts: 573
    I understand
    Oh I understand how scary the thought of having chemo is. But it is a life saver. I was dx in Jan 2009, had the RCHOP in March and was cancer free June 2 2009. I have had two years of Rituxin maintance and feel fine. You can do this. This is a very treatable disease but you have to treat it and RCHOP is the drug your Dr says will do the job. Don't be afraid. We have all been there . Another Big HUG!!!! Joanie
  • wildcard6
    wildcard6 Member Posts: 2

    I had Stage 3 Hodgkins in 2004 and heard those words "surgery and radiation aren't appropriate for you because it's too spread out." I went through the ABDV regimen, and I was quite apprehensive at first. And this is coming from a person who was an active duty Marine once upon a time.

    All I can tell you is what my fellow survivors have told you and that is that feeling scared and not wanting to do this only mean that you're a human being. You are NOT a coward.

    The only way that I got through the initial fear was to actually go through the chemo. I found that while it most certainly wasn't a pleasant experience, it wasn't at all as bad as I thought it would be. I got sick and my hair eventually fell out, but here I am 7 years later.

    This isn't going to be an easy thing, but it is something you can do. And you already have a couple of good reasons to beat this thing. And remember, we're all here for you.
  • bobmcghee
    bobmcghee Member Posts: 44
    To scared to do my Chemo but do it anyway ;-)
    Yes I was scared too and it is really great when you know you have done the last treatment. As far as ritaxin goes I have had it 10 times and like most people it was not a problem. The most I noticed was a bit of a throat tickle for about a week. During my treatments in the room with all the other people only once did a person have a reaction of having a red flush face. They slowed the infusion and kept going and it was fine. I'll bet you will be proud of yourself once you get through this and get it behind you. Good luck.
  • TJ74
    TJ74 Member Posts: 18
    You are not alone
    I'm not going to tell you who I think are the cowards, but your not one of them. I went through 6 months of chemo, but I was only 16 and it was 21 years ago and I had no choice. When my cancer came back, the second chemo that was administered to me was horrific and I told my doctor that I didn't want to do anymore. He told me I would have a horrible death and there would be nothing he could do for the pain. He scared me into doing it 1 more time and then realized it was killing me quicker than the cancer. I ended up having to have a bone marrow transplant. Although I survived it, the six days of intensive chemo 24 hours around the clock was extremely traumatic. I have suffered post traumatic stress disorder from it where I go right back into the room. I can even remember the smells. I could never do chemo again because of fear. Luckily I'm not afraid of dying, but it would be hard to leave my kids behind. I don't know what to tell you, but to say that no one really knows how to handle it and that your not a coward. If you decide to go through with the chemo, you will find strength to do it. If you decide not to, your son will find the strength to go on. Don't beat yourself up and don't let anyone who's not in your shoes beat you up either. You will find peace in whatever decision you make. You are not alone.
  • gpespinosa
    gpespinosa Member Posts: 25
    Your definitely not alone. The first time I walked into my "chemo suite" I cried. It became real at that moment. Luckily I had my family there by my side. It is important to just be aware of any reactions or funny feelings, I had some reactions but they just slowed down the meds and gave me more benedryl so I could knock out. By the second round I had no problems and was eating, napping, and joking with other patients. I had 6 rounds, the 3rd and 4th rounds hit me the hardest, but it just gave me more of a drive to finish up and be done. Its tough, but you have to be willing to take that first step. I am very blessed to have a very supportive family and group of friends, I know I could not have done it without them. Stay positive and have faith.