Can I just scream.........cause I am tired of crying!!

stayingstrongfortoday

Almost 3 years I have done this, countless appts, new treatment plans, etc. Mets. Yuck. I started Taxol 2 weeks ago, have done a ton of radition this summer, blood transfusions. I am tired all the time, my head hurts, my body hurts and I am just ready to scream. I cry 10 times a day thinking about dying. I want to think about living but for some reason I can not get out of this terrible funk. It's hotter than h*ll where I live so I don't want to leave the house. I go back to work the 10th....how am I suppose to do that? Today I felt sick to my stomach so meds to help that, always a pill to take to "fix" the next problem. I want my boring, life I use to have. I HATE the way I feel. I'm trying to search for joy where I can find it but I really feel like a crazy person. I literally screamed at the top of my lungs earlier today only to feel complete guilt for scaring my 3 year old and making him cry. I didn't mean to make him cry but then we cried together. I just feel like I am going to lose this stupid "battle". I f'ing hate that term too!

MAJW

Oh how I understand!
I get it !!!!!!!! And I wish I could give you some words of wisdom, but I seem to be running on empty myself....all I can say is I understand....it all sucks! I want to scream but for some reason I can't....I think I'm numb.....

My heart breaks for you, having young children...I'm blessed that mine are grown with families of their own....I wish I could be of some help to you..but today, I'm probably not the person you need....our other " sisters" I'm sure will be of more help....we just do what we have to do...

I wish you better days....and sending up prayers for you...
Hugs, Nancy

Sunrae

After 3 years of all this,
After 3 years of all this, you have a right to be raving mad. And thinking about dying is normal, we can't help it in this fight for our lives. It seems like it never ends. Maybe you're not ready to go back to work feeling so bad, talk with your dr about this. Is there anyone near by that can help you, take care of your 3 year old for a little while, give you a break? I so wish you didn't have so much on your plate and could get some relief from all this. My heart is breaking for you and I hope and pray that you have some good days soon. Here is one place that you can come to and rant, rave and express all that you're feeling. Keep on searching for joy, don't give up. I think you are one heck of a fighter and you can beat all this. Please know you are surrounded by your pink sisters and we're keeping you in our hearts and prayers.

fauxma

Sunrae said:

After 3 years of all this,
After 3 years of all this, you have a right to be raving mad. And thinking about dying is normal, we can't help it in this fight for our lives. It seems like it never ends. Maybe you're not ready to go back to work feeling so bad, talk with your dr about this. Is there anyone near by that can help you, take care of your 3 year old for a little while, give you a break? I so wish you didn't have so much on your plate and could get some relief from all this. My heart is breaking for you and I hope and pray that you have some good days soon. Here is one place that you can come to and rant, rave and express all that you're feeling. Keep on searching for joy, don't give up. I think you are one heck of a fighter and you can beat all this. Please know you are surrounded by your pink sisters and we're keeping you in our hearts and prayers.

You have every right to feel
You have every right to feel like screaming. I am sure I would. If you feel you are not ready to return to work can you talk with your doctor and take more time. Perhaps this is not an option for you. I wish that I had the words to ease your fears or a magic wand to cure this disease. I can only say that I will keep you in my prayers that you find some inner peace. Others will have better ideas but know that my most positive thoughts are coming to you wrapped in a big hug.
Stef

stayingstrongfortoday

fauxma said:

You have every right to feel
You have every right to feel like screaming. I am sure I would. If you feel you are not ready to return to work can you talk with your doctor and take more time. Perhaps this is not an option for you. I wish that I had the words to ease your fears or a magic wand to cure this disease. I can only say that I will keep you in my prayers that you find some inner peace. Others will have better ideas but know that my most positive thoughts are coming to you wrapped in a big hug.
Stef

thanks...
I think it has been the inconsistency of how I feel. I have headaches all the time and the stomach issues are sometimes just too much. I am a teacher, suppose to go back the 10th, meeting with the principal later this week to discuss a reduced schedule. When I feel good I believe I can take on anything but this has me so sideswiped I just can't get past it. I have teenagers and they sometimes aren't so helpful and that depresses me too. Just overall I need to just have some good news and some moments of feeling normal!! Ok teenagers not helping out around the house should be normal ;-)

I am ok with screaming a little and crying too but I really want things to be somewhat normal....and not the "new" normal I have to get use to every week!!

skipper54

fauxma said:

You have every right to feel
You have every right to feel like screaming. I am sure I would. If you feel you are not ready to return to work can you talk with your doctor and take more time. Perhaps this is not an option for you. I wish that I had the words to ease your fears or a magic wand to cure this disease. I can only say that I will keep you in my prayers that you find some inner peace. Others will have better ideas but know that my most positive thoughts are coming to you wrapped in a big hug.
Stef

Wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all go away
I don't have little ones around to worry about scaring but sure shook up the kittens every now and then. I finally decided to cry in the shower. All I can offer is prayer that things will turn around and the knowledge that we're all here for you. Wish I could do more!!!!!!!

mwallace1325

fauxma said:

You have every right to feel
You have every right to feel like screaming. I am sure I would. If you feel you are not ready to return to work can you talk with your doctor and take more time. Perhaps this is not an option for you. I wish that I had the words to ease your fears or a magic wand to cure this disease. I can only say that I will keep you in my prayers that you find some inner peace. Others will have better ideas but know that my most positive thoughts are coming to you wrapped in a big hug.
Stef

You can soo scream
You might want to do it when your husband is home and has the little one, but other than that, you are so entitled to do whatever helps you get through this.

I can't imagine what you're going through. So many women especially right now seem to be fighting fights that make mine look like a walk in the park.

Have you considered talking with someone who understands the journey you're on right now. Perhaps meds (sorry to suggest another one) just to help you get through this time.

I know the hot weather has been just awful. I'm in Colorado so thank goodness no humidity, I can't imagine being back east or south now.

Prayers and angels are all I can offer and sincerest hope that this becomes easier for you, especially when the great results start coming your way.

marge

CypressCynthia

You have every right to feel
You have every right to feel the way that you do, but, if it gets too much for you, please talk with your physician. Please know that anxiety and/or depression is a common diagnosis after breast cancer and your physician knows this and will help. I know, I know, the last thing in the world that you want right now is another pill. However, I personally plan to go out as happy as I can--even if it means pills, counselling, massage, etc. I am taking a little lexapro right now and it helps me a lot. My onc gave it to me.

survivorbc09

fauxma said:

You have every right to feel
You have every right to feel like screaming. I am sure I would. If you feel you are not ready to return to work can you talk with your doctor and take more time. Perhaps this is not an option for you. I wish that I had the words to ease your fears or a magic wand to cure this disease. I can only say that I will keep you in my prayers that you find some inner peace. Others will have better ideas but know that my most positive thoughts are coming to you wrapped in a big hug.
Stef

You scream all you want!
You scream all you want! We've all done it!


Hugs, Jan

Clementine_P

I would be concerned
if you didn't feel like screaming! You are talking about 3 long years of feeling sick, operations, being compromised, losing hair, etc... It is not like you are pouting about not getting to watch your favorite tv show. You are dealing with A LOT. In a day your 3 year old won't remember this at all - try not to feel bad about it. You are human! I agree with Cynthia. Consider talking to your doctor and try to be open to a potential antidepressant. You are strong and brave. Cut yourself some slack - you deserve it! Hang in there! We're here for you.

Clementine

cahjah75

My heart
aches for you. It seems this is a never ending battle. All we can do is support one another to stay strong, keep faith and hope for a better future. I'm sorry your crying frightened your child. Hugs to both of you! Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
{{hugs}} Char

CAchick

Big Primal Scream!!
Hi, I just let out a big primal scream for you!!!!
(Luckily I am home alone right now...) I did scare the cat a little though...
Seriously, praying for you,
Sybil

debi.18

CAchick said:

Big Primal Scream!!
Hi, I just let out a big primal scream for you!!!!
(Luckily I am home alone right now...) I did scare the cat a little though...
Seriously, praying for you,
Sybil

Scream all you want!
I agree, you have every right to scream, cry and feel the way do. You are dealing with a lot. I'm sure the pressure of going back to work isn't helping. Hopefully, if able, you can work the reduced schedule. Not sure what grade you teach, but I bet the kids would get a kick if you suggested everyone scream for the 1st minute of class.

As always, we're here with lots of support - you can scream here anytime and we'll join you.

Hugs and Prayers,
Debi~

Lighthouse_7

debi.18 said:

Scream all you want!
I agree, you have every right to scream, cry and feel the way do. You are dealing with a lot. I'm sure the pressure of going back to work isn't helping. Hopefully, if able, you can work the reduced schedule. Not sure what grade you teach, but I bet the kids would get a kick if you suggested everyone scream for the 1st minute of class.

As always, we're here with lots of support - you can scream here anytime and we'll join you.

Hugs and Prayers,
Debi~

Scream, cry or anything that
Scream, cry or anything that helps you feel better. I'm sorry you're hurting and going through so much right now but just remember :This too shall pass".
Great Big HUGS,
Wanda

butterflylvr

Lighthouse_7 said:

Scream, cry or anything that
Scream, cry or anything that helps you feel better. I'm sorry you're hurting and going through so much right now but just remember :This too shall pass".
Great Big HUGS,
Wanda

Dang it I'm pissed for
Dang it I'm pissed for you... and for Nancy and Laurissa and Chen and on and on...

Scream away dear sister, scream away...

Gentle hugs,
Lorrie

missrenee

butterflylvr said:

Dang it I'm pissed for
Dang it I'm pissed for you... and for Nancy and Laurissa and Chen and on and on...

Scream away dear sister, scream away...

Gentle hugs,
Lorrie

I get it--we all do
You don't need anyone's permission to deal with this miserable thing any way you can. My positive energy and prayers go out to you. I'm hoping you feel better soon both physically and emotionally.

Hugs, Renee

LoveBabyJesus

You can also hit something,
You can also hit something, like a pillow (don't choose anything that may harm you!). Hit until you are tired, and then lay down, rest, and sleep like an angel.

I have gone through this process of feeling out of control and not being able to cope. I pray everyday and it makes me feel better. We know how difficult it is, but it can also get better.

So sorry you are feeling down. I pray your spirit gets lifted again. Don't feel bad about screaming - if it helps you, do it. But please know this too shall pass.

emamei

I'm so sorry...
I'm so sorry that you are going through such hell. I too wish I could magically make it all better for you. I mean that with all my heart. Do you have someone, a close friend, counselor, clergyman, that you can lean upon and talk to about all of this? Personally, I've found talking with a counselor and psychiatrist incredibly helpful.

Can you take an extended medical leave from work? You have so much on your plate, OMG, teenagers and a toddler, your health, job, etc.,

Cry when you need to, don't hold it in. Scream, shout and beat up a pillow if that's what helps you through.

Keep us posted. I'll be thinking about you.

stayingstrongfortoday

emamei said:

I'm so sorry...
I'm so sorry that you are going through such hell. I too wish I could magically make it all better for you. I mean that with all my heart. Do you have someone, a close friend, counselor, clergyman, that you can lean upon and talk to about all of this? Personally, I've found talking with a counselor and psychiatrist incredibly helpful.

Can you take an extended medical leave from work? You have so much on your plate, OMG, teenagers and a toddler, your health, job, etc.,

Cry when you need to, don't hold it in. Scream, shout and beat up a pillow if that's what helps you through.

Keep us posted. I'll be thinking about you.

I do take....
meds. I take half a xanax every morning and afternoon, and one whole one at night. I started that this summer while on steriods. I was shaky as a leaf. I just can't figure out how to manage pain. I hate the patches and can't take stronger stuff without stomach issues. I stopped taking ibuprofen since my platelets are so low. Tylenol doesn't cut it. I just have to keep trying.

I am so thankful tonight, my hubby talked me into going swimming with our friends with kids with Down syndrome. That makes me feel "old" normal. The water was perfect and it took my mind off of me. If I can muster up the energy I almost think working part time will be good for me otherwise I will sit around all day feeling sorry for myself.

thanks for all the good thoughts/ideas. I guess a lot of this also stems from a friend with a similar cancer who just sort of laid down and "gave up' after lung mets last December, she died in June. She wouldn't talk to anyone really, just sort of hung it up. I have never been one to compare myself too closely to others stories but this one scares me..and I knew her so it really hits close to home. I like to stay active, when I am tired and I want to just sit I feel like I am giving up. I know it's not true but it gets me down.

stayingstrongfortoday

emamei said:

I'm so sorry...
I'm so sorry that you are going through such hell. I too wish I could magically make it all better for you. I mean that with all my heart. Do you have someone, a close friend, counselor, clergyman, that you can lean upon and talk to about all of this? Personally, I've found talking with a counselor and psychiatrist incredibly helpful.

Can you take an extended medical leave from work? You have so much on your plate, OMG, teenagers and a toddler, your health, job, etc.,

Cry when you need to, don't hold it in. Scream, shout and beat up a pillow if that's what helps you through.

Keep us posted. I'll be thinking about you.

I do take....
meds. I take half a xanax every morning and afternoon, and one whole one at night. I started that this summer while on steriods. I was shaky as a leaf. I just can't figure out how to manage pain. I hate the patches and can't take stronger stuff without stomach issues. I stopped taking ibuprofen since my platelets are so low. Tylenol doesn't cut it. I just have to keep trying.

I am so thankful tonight, my hubby talked me into going swimming with our friends with kids with Down syndrome. That makes me feel "old" normal. The water was perfect and it took my mind off of me. If I can muster up the energy I almost think working part time will be good for me otherwise I will sit around all day feeling sorry for myself.

thanks for all the good thoughts/ideas. I guess a lot of this also stems from a friend with a similar cancer who just sort of laid down and "gave up' after lung mets last December, she died in June. She wouldn't talk to anyone really, just sort of hung it up. I have never been one to compare myself too closely to others stories but this one scares me..and I knew her so it really hits close to home. I like to stay active, when I am tired and I want to just sit I feel like I am giving up. I know it's not true but it gets me down.

stayingstrongfortoday

emamei said:

I'm so sorry...
I'm so sorry that you are going through such hell. I too wish I could magically make it all better for you. I mean that with all my heart. Do you have someone, a close friend, counselor, clergyman, that you can lean upon and talk to about all of this? Personally, I've found talking with a counselor and psychiatrist incredibly helpful.

Can you take an extended medical leave from work? You have so much on your plate, OMG, teenagers and a toddler, your health, job, etc.,

Cry when you need to, don't hold it in. Scream, shout and beat up a pillow if that's what helps you through.

Keep us posted. I'll be thinking about you.

I do take....
meds. I take half a xanax every morning and afternoon, and one whole one at night. I started that this summer while on steriods. I was shaky as a leaf. I just can't figure out how to manage pain. I hate the patches and can't take stronger stuff without stomach issues. I stopped taking ibuprofen since my platelets are so low. Tylenol doesn't cut it. I just have to keep trying.

I am so thankful tonight, my hubby talked me into going swimming with our friends with kids with Down syndrome. That makes me feel "old" normal. The water was perfect and it took my mind off of me. If I can muster up the energy I almost think working part time will be good for me otherwise I will sit around all day feeling sorry for myself.

thanks for all the good thoughts/ideas. I guess a lot of this also stems from a friend with a similar cancer who just sort of laid down and "gave up' after lung mets last December, she died in June. She wouldn't talk to anyone really, just sort of hung it up. I have never been one to compare myself too closely to others stories but this one scares me..and I knew her so it really hits close to home. I like to stay active, when I am tired and I want to just sit I feel like I am giving up. I know it's not true but it gets me down.