void

sue5749

I was reading this the other day, and I swear I feel the same way! The minister was reading the passage from the Bible. He was talking about the beginning of creation, and he was talking about courting the void-that dark, mysterious, and sometimes painfully frightening place of nothingness from which all creation occurs.It's that place in our lives where what we've been hanging onto-clinging to for dear life-is stripped away. it's that place in us where we let go of what we know,what we think we know, and what we want and surrender to the unknown. It is the place of saying and meaning. I don't know. It means standing there with our hands empty for a while, sometimes watching everything we wanted disappear;our self-image, our definitions of who we thought we should be,the clones we've created of ourselves, the people we thought we had to have, the things we thought were so important to collect and surround ourselves with,the job we were certain was ours, the place we thought we'd live in all our lives. Im in that void. My whole life is changing. All I can say is I don't know. I don't know what's next.i don't even know the agenda for today. It's an intense place. It's a place of incredibble pain. I want to go sleep with someone. I want to do something to stop the pain. Get high. Have sex. Abuse someone.But I'm really trying to stay on my spiritual path. So I just sit there, aching. Day after day. I can't even have faith,because I don't have any yet. It's a place of blind faith. It's really an uncomfortable place to be. The only thing that helps is knowing this, too, shall pass. The problem is, it doesn't pass fast enough. you wake up every day not knowing how your going to feel. some days you wake up feeling great. some days you wake up hopeless. You just never know,not at this point. I'm trying really hard not to think negatively, trying not to create catastrophes and put out negative energy.I'm not sure how much power my thoughts have,but I know negative energy and projections can really screw up my life.i start living through horrible experiences,grieving them,acting as if they're real.And they haven't even happened yet, except in my own mind. It's so hard to have hope. Yet having hope is so important. sue