Melt down

My numbers keep dropping so they gave a neupogen shot again to try to "jump start" my system. I am so disappointed. I can't get my port out because my ANC is below 500, at one point it got to 1810. I can't go home until I get the port out. It's a vicious circle of getting nowhere.

I had a melt down today and actually cried at the clinic, I couldn't help myself. I just want to be alone. I'm tired of someone being with me ALL the time. I like my private time. I want my bed. I am so tired of having to take sleeping pills to be able to go to sleep.

Today just sucked.



  • cookingirl
    cookingirl Member Posts: 183
    Melt Down
    Beth - I haven't been posting for a month until tonight - I've read many of yours and those written to you. What a strong girl you are! I think you're doing remarkably well for your SCT to have been just this month. I've known two men in their early 50's who had that done and were in the hospital for months. Sounds as though you've been through the worst and I hope your counts will soon enable you to return home - how wonderful that will be! I know how wonderful your own bed will feel and will pray that happens soon for you.

    When my chemo was so bad this year, I would transplant myself during the worst times to a view on the Indian River near our home that I dearly love. Palm trees, sailboats on the river, puffy white clouds in blue sky, etc. - maybe if you can concentrate on something that makes you feel serene, peaceful and happy it will help calm you.

    I'm so proud of you for your strength and courage the past months - things are now on the upswing and will get better each day. Prayers and happy thoughts are coming your way - Fran
  • JoanieP
    JoanieP Member Posts: 573
    Beth, My heart hurts for you. I know you want to be in your own bed and be with your family and puppy at your house. Hopefully this bump in the road will be over soon. Thinking and praying for you daily. You will be better.
  • COBRA666
    COBRA666 Member Posts: 2,401 Member
    I can not add anything to what has been said. Wishing and hoping great things for you. John
  • miss maggie
    miss maggie Member Posts: 929
    Brave Beth
    Dear Beth,

    I can't blame you for having a meltdown. Not being able to remove the port and going
    home to your own bed and everything familiar to you. Probably there are no words I can
    say, that would make you feel better. Are taking anything to calm you down? I think it would
    be in order.

    I hope this will all end for you, and it will, I promise. You will go home. It is just a
    terrible situation.

    Hugs, prayers to you. All my love Maggie
  • forme
    forme Member Posts: 1,161 Member
    New day
    Dearest Beth,

    Hopefully today is going better for you. I sure hope so!

    Having a meltdown or many meltdowns is just fine and expected. You are going through a life changing event and you are doing it away from home and all that is warm and comforting. I am positive that I would be a total nut case by now. I have trouble with waiting to long for things to happen. Your brave spirit gives me courage and strength.

    Soon soon soon, you will be HOME. Hang in just a little bit longer.


  • allmost60
    allmost60 Member Posts: 3,178
    Melt down...
    Hi Beth,
    A year ago this time I was one "BIG" meltdown! I shiver when I think about how very scared I was..(and still get). You've been fighting the good fight for a number of years now and I would expect melt downs to happen. We just have to pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off when this happens and pray each day will get better. My heart goes out to you and I hope very soon the port can be removed, you can go home, and start the healing process in more comfortable happier surroundings. My thoughts and prayers are with you..EVERYDAY! Your counts WILL come up...always remember Vinny...he is our shining example on how amazingly the counts do improve. Hang in there sweet lady!
    Love ya...Sue (FNHL-2-3A-6/10)
  • onlytoday
    onlytoday Member Posts: 609 Member
    Good days, Bad days
    Hi Beth,

    And so your meltdown is something we can understand. I also really get the needing alone time.
    Just know that we are all very proud of your strength and we are with you every step of the way. You are amazing!
    I think meltdowns are just part of it. We all do it every so often and Lord knows you've been through a lot lately!
    So here's to brighter days - they are coming! We are all here for you.
    Praying for you.