Being around "normal" (non-cancer) people is hard for me sometimes

dbhadra

Hi all:

Had an overall good weekend being with friends and visiting Busch Gardens and Water Country USA with all our kids. But it was hard at times, feeling like I was on such a different plane than they all are. They are not bald, they did not have to go through chemo, they do not have cancer, they are not worried every day that their cancer will spread and take them away whil their kids are still young. I was feeling really resentful that I have been somehow chosen to deal with this and they haven't. Not that I would wish any one of them, or any one else, to get cancer, but I do wonder at times, why me? My faith tells me there is a reason why this is happening, but at times (and one of those times is now) I just don;t "get it". They have all been travelling and enjoying life over these past six months while I have been having chemo and it just seems unfair.

I have been having so much anxiety over the past few weeks after being done with chemo and waiting for surgery. Every day I worry about dying from cancer. Every day I wonder how much time I have left. I don;t know how to stop this chain of anxiety. Then when I see these "normal" people who don;t have to deal with these types of fears, I feel resentful that I have to be in this situation where I'm faced with my own mortality. I know there is a reason why all this is happening and I feel that overall I would be a better person in some way, but I feel that I will never be "the same" as I was before. This cancer journey has a lot of loss and a lot of grief and one of the things I am mourning is that loss of being "normal".

Any thoughts?

Laura

MAJW

Normal!
I felt the same way with my first go round of bc two years ago and battling it again now, I have the same feelings again...I think it, sadly, goes with the territory....I don't believe this has happened to me for a reason.......if that's true, then God is sending messages to millions of us! I will admit I have never thought " why me"....It is hard as we watch people go about their "normal lives" but I believe everyone has a cross of some sort to bear...it's just not visible to us....I desperately try to think...."it could be worse"...knowing that does sound rather hallow....I could be hit by a bus with NO chance of survival...or this could be my daughter instead of me....now that would surely kill me!!!!! This helps me ...don't get me wrong, I am struggling right now, with this recurrence....digging deep for strength to battle this for the remainder of what time I have left...

To sum it up, I think we all feel what you're describing....we've lost some sense of "security" that never returns...we just do the best we can to get us through the day...

Hoping you feel better...
Hugs, Nancy

KathiM

I tell myself....
That under the facade of 'normal' these people present, there is always something. Maybe not cancer, but something else that has changed their lives.

Truth be told, I would more than likely look to you like one of those 'without a care in the world'. Even though, as you can read on my page, I am a 2 primary site cancer survivor, lost my daughter to bad care, and numerous other things....my tag line is "I was given 6 months to live, 6 years ago!"

This is new to you right now, and, when it was new to me, I felt the same....I must admit, I still occasionally observe someone being a blockhead and think "If they were facing cancer, I hope THEY could cope!"

It IS life-changing....but you are in control of how your life is changed, to a certain extent. My hips are bad from the rads for the colon cancer, for instance. I can't sit on hard surfaces (even grass) for very long comfortably, but, as my fav expression goes "It is what it is!", I still sit for a bit, and enjoy the sights. My 'special' arm (from the breast cancer) gives me trouble when I work too hard. Ibuprofen is my best friend!

Your anger is normal and natural!!! It is only time that can help. I am celebrating 5 years post-treatment on both cancers on July 4....my own independence day!!!! So, maybe do what I did: I focused my energy on helping other cancer survivors, volunteered with ACS for many things, and had many '15 seconds of fame'...lol! I am on my 24th patient partner (guiding thru the cancer process) and I still get much reward from it!

BIG hugs to a warrior in the trenches!!!

"Whoever said winning isn't everything, never had to fight cancer"

Hugs, Kathi

butterflylvr

KathiM said:

I tell myself....
That under the facade of 'normal' these people present, there is always something. Maybe not cancer, but something else that has changed their lives.

Truth be told, I would more than likely look to you like one of those 'without a care in the world'. Even though, as you can read on my page, I am a 2 primary site cancer survivor, lost my daughter to bad care, and numerous other things....my tag line is "I was given 6 months to live, 6 years ago!"

This is new to you right now, and, when it was new to me, I felt the same....I must admit, I still occasionally observe someone being a blockhead and think "If they were facing cancer, I hope THEY could cope!"

It IS life-changing....but you are in control of how your life is changed, to a certain extent. My hips are bad from the rads for the colon cancer, for instance. I can't sit on hard surfaces (even grass) for very long comfortably, but, as my fav expression goes "It is what it is!", I still sit for a bit, and enjoy the sights. My 'special' arm (from the breast cancer) gives me trouble when I work too hard. Ibuprofen is my best friend!

Your anger is normal and natural!!! It is only time that can help. I am celebrating 5 years post-treatment on both cancers on July 4....my own independence day!!!! So, maybe do what I did: I focused my energy on helping other cancer survivors, volunteered with ACS for many things, and had many '15 seconds of fame'...lol! I am on my 24th patient partner (guiding thru the cancer process) and I still get much reward from it!

BIG hugs to a warrior in the trenches!!!

"Whoever said winning isn't everything, never had to fight cancer"

Hugs, Kathi

I agree with everyone, your
I agree with everyone, your anger is completely normal. Do you think your thoughts are getting the better of you because you have this lull in between treatments? I am in the process of reading Dr. Susan Love's "Breast Book" and I have come to understand so much about breasts and breast cancers. One of the things she states is that you can go weeks in between chemo and surgery and your cancer won't spread. I know how you feel though because just knowing that tumor is still inside your body can bring you down to negative thoughts.

It sure helps to vent here though doesn't it?
Hugs,
Lorrie

roseann4

butterflylvr said:

I agree with everyone, your
I agree with everyone, your anger is completely normal. Do you think your thoughts are getting the better of you because you have this lull in between treatments? I am in the process of reading Dr. Susan Love's "Breast Book" and I have come to understand so much about breasts and breast cancers. One of the things she states is that you can go weeks in between chemo and surgery and your cancer won't spread. I know how you feel though because just knowing that tumor is still inside your body can bring you down to negative thoughts.

It sure helps to vent here though doesn't it?
Hugs,
Lorrie

It's been over 2 years for me...
And as I sit waiting to be called in for my annual mammo I am filled with anxiety. I know what a suspicious one means. The best I can do is sing my "I surrender" jingle to myself and hope for the best. We are forever changed by knowing that bad things can happen to good people. Wish me luck!

Roseann

leabow

Everybody has a different
Everybody has a different situation, but we all have cancer in common.
At the beginning of my journey,(last year), I decided that I was going to live each day to the fullest that cancer would allow me because I did not know how many I had left. If it was coming back, I did not want to waste days worrying about it coming back. They were too precious. Maybe it was easier for me because I am a person of faith. So every morning, I ask God to take my cancer worries for the day. It has worked for me.

LoveBabyJesus

Normal...
I am new to this journey and I understand your feelings.

The way I see my situation is I am given another chance. For example, I felt so average before all this happened. I had other worries, that now as I look back, they weren't so important. The truth is everyone will leave this world, we just don't know how. However, most - if not all - people are in denial. And it's OK to feel this way because it allows you to live "normal". But it also locks something. Has anyone asked you the question, "what would you do if you were given X amount of time to live?". Most people do not know the answer to this question (they think they know) until they are hit with a serious health situation. And this doesn't allow them to live as if it was their last day on this earth. They will continue to feel anger for stupid things, continue to do the same things, continue to fear changes, continue to stress little things, etc...And this too is another sad situation. In my case I want to learn to forgive from my heart. And continue to appreciate the little things and the big things God gives us. I feel more aware now, like I have grown older in a matter of days? But this is when faith plays a role. We can't carry our crosses alone. Whenever you feel down or upset, pray that you get these feelings taken away, and that you're able to feel good and positive.

It is difficult to relate to those who don't have cancer. But it is also difficult to deal with emotional scars, and other things we don't see. Or even worse, when we are too blind to see it. Therefore, we don't try to make changes to improve our lives. I feel after this diagnosis, I was blind. Now I can see so much more. And I can set priorities better, like not allow little things to get the best of me. I feel stronger too, as I am sure you do as well. It's a process. Life is a process. A friend once told me "Life is a journey, not a destination" - and it's so true. We just have to try and live and know how to create our own world. We too deserve our own world of happiness, where we can decide who can be part of it and who can't. We can still care for others too. But hey! it's time to think about ourslves too. Not think that we can't relate to others, But instead, they can't relate to us. There are, after all, different levels of abnormality. We just need to find a way to be happy in our own.

I hope you are able to cope with this, emotionally. If people do not understand you, you have the right to walk away too. You have to be happy, Now. Plus we are always here for you too. And so is nature, and family, and God. You are never alone.

Hoping you feel better soon. You will be OK.

Gabe N Abby Mom

I think your feelings are
I think your feelings are very normal. When I get to that dark place in my head, I literally tell myself to stop. Then I change whatever I'm doing at the moment...if I'm at the computer I get up and take a walk or read. Then I have to force myself to think about the beauty and joy in my life. The other thing I use is a recorded meditation, it's about a half hour long and I listen most days. Sometimes, coming here and just reading helps.

So basically, I have several approaches and I use different ones at different times. Keep experimenting and you will find something that helps you. Best wishes for an easy surgery and a smooth recovery...when is it?

Hugs,

Linda

SueRelays

Hi Laura!
I know these
Hi Laura!

I know these feelings very well, as unfortunately for me, I have had my frist cancer spread to my liver, and diagnosed with 2 other cancers. My boyfriend acted like once treatment was over....that was it...I was done! I think everybody (who doesn't have cancer) thinks that. I, on the other hand, worried constantly! I had a surgeon say" don't let cancer rule you" Every time something hurts, it doesn't mean it's cancer....but guess what, with me it has been!!! I have to echo another response and say I don't think Why me...I've always kind of thought...why not me? I'm no more special than anyone else. I had the resentment too.....but now I think really that I am luckier, because I truly enjoy things that those "non cancer" people take for granted. Just yesterday I was sitting in a boat, looking around and thinking to myself, I'll bet I'm enjoying this far more than anyone else, because I am so grateful to be here to experience it. Having the mortality carrot dangled in front of you makes us so much more appreciative...don't you think?
And I know I don't worry about all the little things that used to get in my way of "just being". I could care less about anything other than enjoying myself. How freeing that has been!
Ok....I'll get off my soap box now.....I totally understand how you feel, but hope at the same time, you can find the daily blessings we all have, and know that we are all a little better than normal for getting through what we have!!

mollieb

Not in Control
I think it's frustrating to not be in control. Cancer has upset our lives, and it's hard to know what to do about it. We put so much faith in our medical teams, and they don't always know whether they are doing exactly the right thing. And the possibility that treatment won't work, or won't work long enough or well enough, is always there.

I do my best to not worry about things I can't control. I find out as much as I can, quiz my very patient doctors, make a decision, and forget it. Que sera, sera. I try harder to make every moment, or at least every day, count. But I also just curl up and sleep whenever I can; it's refreshing.

Continuing on the path, putting one foot in front of the other, is not always easy, but it always moves you forward. Nobody really knows where the path will lead: we are just more aware of life's uncertainty than people who haven't been touched by cancer or another serious illness.

Two and a half months ago, right in the middle of chemo, I was walking across the street and was hit by a car. It wasn't a bad accident -- he just ran over my feet (surprisingly little damage to the feet) and knocked me back on my arm. But I needed a shoulder replacement, and I learned a whole lot about that pain scale they always ask me about -- it goes a lot higher than ten, believe me. I also learned, again, that nothing is certain, that even the level of uncertainty can be altered in a moment.

I am doing the best I can to fight cancer, and I hope it works. But I am not going to make my life even more stressful by obsessing on what might be and what might have been. I asked myself what I would do if I was going to die, and it turned out I want to complete the work I have undertaken at my job at a not-for-profit. Lucky me. I get to do what I want and continue to earn a living!

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and enjoying as much of each day as you possibly can. Don't worry at all about other people. Many of them have their own problems, and all of them could be hit by a car tomorrow.

mruczko

Being around normal (non-cancer) people is hard for me sometimes
Laura:
Like you I am having a hard time, especially since I am not getting much emotional support (if any) from my husband and step-family. The cancer is "over" so there! But it's not over for me, not in a physical or emotional sense. Constant pain from lymph node removal (surgery was May 2010), neuropathy, taking enough Neurontin to affect memory, etc. How can it be over? I can't reach out, if I do try anyway, there is no support and I end up weeping. Even my friends, who are more sympathetic, don't seem to quite grasp the emotional toll a cancer diagnosis takes on a person, or the constant fear, every ache and pain analyzed. I am 78 years old, without any family of my own, so walking out is not an option, though I am often tempted. My life has been difficult, I spend a lot of time thinking "why me, why me". Don't be afraid, though, that the cancer will spread while you are waiting for surgery, the crab takes a while. Take care and lots, lots of hugs.
Marlene

Fighter709

WHY ME
Hi Laura, I'm totally new on line. Haven't even filled out profile yet.
Honestly, when I was diagnosed I went through a list of thoughts: the biggest was probably " Did I do anything to cause this or should I have done something to prevent it"?
I finally resolved this and stopped the guilt.
For you and for me, we are products of genetics and environment and noone knows how much influence our attitude has over cancer.
Yes, cancer might make you a different or stronger person but being resentful causes us to miss things, we hold ourselves apart and cannot enter some events. Maybe because of fear????
I didn't want cancer but would you have chosen to be in the floods, fires, tornadoes
- I can't imagine.My cancer made me slow down and look at some things I had accepted as being my fault they had not worked right(my kids).I realized I'm not the only socializing influence in their lives and now that they are adults they need to stop blaming and be responsible for their decisions and how they treat people. Prior to cancer I kept thinking I could still do something to change their thinking. Blessings on your day.
Joy

zahalene

25 years of thoughts....
Laura,
as of July 3, I am OFICIALLY a 25 year BC survivor. I lost one breast in 1986 and the other in 1988.
All you describe is so very familiar to me. And so normal. And so overcomeable (is that a word?)
It does not happen overnight or without struggle, but you WILL come to realize that even though you are now living a new 'normal' that does not mean that you are living any more or less successfully than any woman (or man) you pass on the sidewalk. If it is not cancer, it may be divorce (BTDT too), or the loss of a child, or mental illness, or, or, or....
So try to see others as fellow pilgrims on the road of life, each one of us coping as best we can and striving to offer what we can and accept what we need without over-thinking what 'might have been'.
Choices. Choose to LIVE.

laughs_a_lot

Normal is a facade anyway
This "normal" life everyone thinks we should get back to is a facade. There are parts of life that suck for everyone. However, I do admit that some seem to get a greater share of hardship than others. I once dubbed myself "The Queen of unfair crap happens to me." However, because so much unfair crap does happen to me, I laugh and enjoy life more than the average bear.

I try not to think of "if my life gets cut short". However, I know if this is the case I will still be blessed because I get to go be with Jesus sooner than the average bear. I guess I am open to whatever I get out of this diagnosis. I will kick cancer's arse or go be with Jesus sooner.

ms.sunshine

laughs_a_lot said:

Normal is a facade anyway
This "normal" life everyone thinks we should get back to is a facade. There are parts of life that suck for everyone. However, I do admit that some seem to get a greater share of hardship than others. I once dubbed myself "The Queen of unfair crap happens to me." However, because so much unfair crap does happen to me, I laugh and enjoy life more than the average bear.

I try not to think of "if my life gets cut short". However, I know if this is the case I will still be blessed because I get to go be with Jesus sooner than the average bear. I guess I am open to whatever I get out of this diagnosis. I will kick cancer's arse or go be with Jesus sooner.

^^^ Me to, Laughs-a-lot
I feel the same way. If I stay here great, and if not I'll be hanging out with God bugging Him.

What bothers me about the "normal" people are the ones who complain, and whine about the smallest stuff. My sister is having a colonscopy done. I swear she has cried more than I did when I was dx with C. Get over it already, darn!!