Long Journey Ahead
But holidays like these....Father's Day, Christmas, Mother's Day, birthdays, etc. still hurt. I see all these families out and I wish for something I lost. I want my mom and I to make breakfast together, for her to nag at me about grades, talk to me about boys and clothes, and pushing me to be my best and help others out. I wish she could have seen me graduate high school, turn eighteen, go into college, get a great job, my internship, etc. I wish she could see me later in life graduate, get my career in motion, get married, have children... I have thousands of questions that only she could answer, but I have to answer them on my own. I know there are other motherly figures out there who dote on me, but...I want my mom back. She knows me better than anyone else, and I wish I didn't take my time with her for granted. I wish I didn't agree to go on that silly Disneyland trip with my friend during Christmas break, only able to spend a day and a half with her before she passed. I regret that I wasn't a better daughter. I wish I wasn't so stubborn my early years in high school.
I have changed so much from that sixteen year old to the woman I am today. I take care of my family, I strive to be better than I was yesterday, and I have truly matured and still am... I suppose it was my catharsis -- my epiphany that I needed to grow up and take my life and myself seriously...but it's a long journey to healing. Talking about her STILL makes me choke up, and I hate bringing her up in conversation when someone asks about my mom. It's just awkward explaining that your mother is gone... And it hurts when I see people get into fights with their moms and wish they could run away or she was gone. They are so lucky to have a mom and I am so envious of everyone and how blessed they are to have moms who will watch them grow.
I just wish there was some sort of booklet that told me what's the right way to mourn and than stop. Not stop forgetting, of course, but just stop feeling...just utterly lost and depressed when moments trigger her memory to a certain degree. So...I guess what I'm trying to say is...just give tons and tons of love to your parents -- moms and dads.They deserve it and so much more, and even though my mom is gone there isn't a day that goes by when I'm not grateful and sending my love out to how blessed my life still is. I have good things in my life, and even though my mom is gone and nothing can change it, you got to keep on pushing.
It's a long journey ahead, but you're the only one who can make it difficult or easy. And that's something I still need to come to to terms with.
Thanks for reading this. Means a lot.
Comments
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There is no right or wrong
There is no right or wrong way to mourn...I lost my dad when I was 19 (32 yrs ago now)...i have always tried to look at the good times, fun holidays etc..not the bad ones or lack of...I feel I had 19 great years with my dad...and not 32 yrs without a dad..MY mom died 4 1/2 yrs ago...I miss them both every day...I am sorry you are having trouble with mourning..but go with your heart...let it all out...I do/did a lot of crying in my car...helped me...
thinking of you....and it is still fresh in your mind..give yourself more time..
Denise0 -
Hi,disneyfan2008 said:There is no right or wrong
There is no right or wrong way to mourn...I lost my dad when I was 19 (32 yrs ago now)...i have always tried to look at the good times, fun holidays etc..not the bad ones or lack of...I feel I had 19 great years with my dad...and not 32 yrs without a dad..MY mom died 4 1/2 yrs ago...I miss them both every day...I am sorry you are having trouble with mourning..but go with your heart...let it all out...I do/did a lot of crying in my car...helped me...
thinking of you....and it is still fresh in your mind..give yourself more time..
Denise
Your story touched my heart and you are right we all take our parents for granted. My father passed away 11 years ago but I was in my late 30's. The old cliche that time heals is true and Denise is right enough time hasn't passed for your emotions to completely deal with such a loss. As women we turn to our mothers for guidance and love and our fathers for strength and affection. Your dad is doing the best he can to keep your brother and you happy, I am sure there are times that even he cries that you aren't aware of.
You sound like a very level headed young lady and I feel confident from your words that you will be okay once you make it through the grieving process. There will always be times that "Mom" will come into your thoughts and that isn't always a bad thing. You just need to dwell on the positive things, the special moments you had together, the hugs and kisses, the long talks and most of all the love she bestowed upon you. There will always be "what if's" in life and in hind sight you can beat yourself up with guilt. You yourself know your mother wouldn't have wanted that. When you finish college and meet and marry the right person and eventually start your own family, your mothers wisdom will be with you. She has taught you so much already and having just met you through this post, I can see a beautiful young woman with lots of love. I think she did her job well....
Post back here any time Sweetie and let us know how you're doing..
Until then lots of cyber {{{Hugs}}}
Lorrie0 -
Thanks for writingbutterflylvr said:Hi,
Your story touched my heart and you are right we all take our parents for granted. My father passed away 11 years ago but I was in my late 30's. The old cliche that time heals is true and Denise is right enough time hasn't passed for your emotions to completely deal with such a loss. As women we turn to our mothers for guidance and love and our fathers for strength and affection. Your dad is doing the best he can to keep your brother and you happy, I am sure there are times that even he cries that you aren't aware of.
You sound like a very level headed young lady and I feel confident from your words that you will be okay once you make it through the grieving process. There will always be times that "Mom" will come into your thoughts and that isn't always a bad thing. You just need to dwell on the positive things, the special moments you had together, the hugs and kisses, the long talks and most of all the love she bestowed upon you. There will always be "what if's" in life and in hind sight you can beat yourself up with guilt. You yourself know your mother wouldn't have wanted that. When you finish college and meet and marry the right person and eventually start your own family, your mothers wisdom will be with you. She has taught you so much already and having just met you through this post, I can see a beautiful young woman with lots of love. I think she did her job well....
Post back here any time Sweetie and let us know how you're doing..
Until then lots of cyber {{{Hugs}}}
Lorrie
your feelings. I wish I had been that smart when I was your age. Like journaling, I think these boards help.
Sweety, it's perfectly ok to have such heartfelt grief and regrets. I'm sorry to tell you it doesn't go away, but I'm also pleased to tell you it doesn't go away. You won't ever forget your mom and you will never love anyone like you loved her (nor will anyone love you like she loved you). You will always miss her. You were 16 at the time she died. So much goes on during teenage years both emotionally and physically. It's a tough time to lose anyone, much less a parent. It is a life-changing event that you probably won't fully realize for many many years - like when you're old like me and can look back on choices you made and put the pieces of the puzzle together.
My mother died when I was 15. I'm now 64. I could have written a post almost verbatim to yours today. Cherish your memories of her. Get to know her as she was as an adult from stories from your aunts, uncles, father, grandparents. You and your siblings are a part of her that lives on.
Love,
Suzanne0 -
Motherless DaughtersDouble Whammy said:Thanks for writing
your feelings. I wish I had been that smart when I was your age. Like journaling, I think these boards help.
Sweety, it's perfectly ok to have such heartfelt grief and regrets. I'm sorry to tell you it doesn't go away, but I'm also pleased to tell you it doesn't go away. You won't ever forget your mom and you will never love anyone like you loved her (nor will anyone love you like she loved you). You will always miss her. You were 16 at the time she died. So much goes on during teenage years both emotionally and physically. It's a tough time to lose anyone, much less a parent. It is a life-changing event that you probably won't fully realize for many many years - like when you're old like me and can look back on choices you made and put the pieces of the puzzle together.
My mother died when I was 15. I'm now 64. I could have written a post almost verbatim to yours today. Cherish your memories of her. Get to know her as she was as an adult from stories from your aunts, uncles, father, grandparents. You and your siblings are a part of her that lives on.
Love,
Suzanne
This is a book I read many years ago (10?). It might be helpful.
Suzanne0
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