Taking kids to counseling

EllenaMaria

I thought I would post this because there are many who have younger children when diagnosed. Not that older children don't count but after you read this you will understand my reason for posting.

My son was 9.5 and my daughter 12.75 when I was diagnosed. They seemed to have handled the news just fine. My son, being happy go lucky to begin with, seems to have handled things well. He told his 3rd grade teacher who confided in him that her brother had cancer too. So he had someone that he could talk to and she would let me know how my son was doing. It was a great help. But my daughter had no one. I allowed her to tell whomever she wanted and I would leave that up to her. Over the year she shared with a handful of friends and a couple teachers. I took her to the chemo unit the day after my last treatment so I could get my Neulasta shot. I wanted her to see it was not a scary place. She also got to go in the radiation room to see the big machine. I really thought it was important for her to be a part of things and to not worry.

We went through a lot of teen issues over the year while I took the year off from work. I attributed a lot of her issues as being normal teen stuff. It is only now coming out just how much this has affected her. When other kids had poems at open house for school about how fun middle school has been hers mentions "the cancer that crept into her life, consuming her".

I took her with me to pick out my wigs and scarfs. She had fun trying things on. But when she came home from school for the first time after I had my head shaved she finally has admitted to me that it really shook her. She never got used to it. Even when I got my hair cut for the first time, sitting in the salon with me was too much to take. She could not stand my new, dark, short hairstyle. It was not me, it was not her mom. I chose to try coloring it and that helped ease her mind It was not a reminder of how her mom was never going to be the same. It just looked like I got my hair colored. I plan to try to get it back as blonde as I used to be. It will make me feel more like me too.

So the reason for my post is that I want to highly recommend anyone who has smaller children to have them meet with a counselor, teacher or someone who can help make sure they are doing ok, to check on them regularly. They may seem fine on the outside but may truly be hurting. For an older child I would recommend giving them a journal. I came across some writings where my daughter has mentioned my first treatment and such. When I was in rads a social worker met with me to see if I needed help with anything. He suggested I get some help for my daughter and gave me some places to call for her. Looking back I see how alone she was during all of this. Even though we tend to think we are there for our kids, sometimes they need more.

Just my few pennies.

emamei

Helping the Kids
As soon as I was diagnosed last year (Triple Negative, IDC, Stage 2, Grade 3, Tumor 3.5cm with Node involvement) and knew what I was facing ahead of me, I sat down and wrote detailed letters to each of my daughters' teachers, one to their school counselor, and also to their Principal and Vice Principal. That was last September and I've kept them all up to date with every turn in my journey. The girls have had tremendous support at school and we have also seen the family counselors at our Cancer Agency. We have friends and family that the girls can and have turned to, to talk about how this whole ordeal makes them feel. My daughters are 10, almost 9, and 7. I have been honest and straight forward with them and for the most part they're coping well. My husband has been a huge factor in how well adjusted the girls are with all of this.

I think it is prudent to see a counselor as a family when cancer raises its ugly head. And it's important to talk a lot with our kids about it all too.

Your advise is wise.

Heatherbelle

My oldest daughter was 9
My oldest daughter was 9 when i was diagnosed, and although she's been pretty good throughout it all, I still kept her as involved as she wanted (i.e. coming to Dr appts, seeing my scars & reconstruction, etc) and she's been to a counselor at our cancer center several times. She's like me -talking about it helps her feel better. She's writing a speech for our Relay for Life, she'll be giving the caregiver speech this year
*hugs*
Heather

Gabe N Abby Mom

Heatherbelle said:

My oldest daughter was 9
My oldest daughter was 9 when i was diagnosed, and although she's been pretty good throughout it all, I still kept her as involved as she wanted (i.e. coming to Dr appts, seeing my scars & reconstruction, etc) and she's been to a counselor at our cancer center several times. She's like me -talking about it helps her feel better. She's writing a speech for our Relay for Life, she'll be giving the caregiver speech this year
*hugs*
Heather

Heather that is so cool!
Heather that is so cool! Please be sure we get to see your daughter's caregiver speech!

Hugs,

Linda

Gabe N Abby Mom

My kids are 14 and 10. I
My kids are 14 and 10. I was dx in Aug, two weeks before the start of a new school year...my son's freshman year. And to give him even more to deal with, we chose a school that requires a 30 minute commute. He only knew a small handful of kids who were also attending. So he had A LOT to deal with that freshman year. And in spite of it all, he's still a straight A student...I couldn't be more proud!

I emailed all my sons teachers and his counselor and asked them to watch for signs of stress beyond normal freshman stuff, both my son and I got such wonderful support from them. I also found out recently that my sons friends were watching and supporting him in ways I was totally unaware of at the time.

At one point, I gave my son something to read about cancer. He told me to stop..."Mom. You're trying to protect me from your cancer, and you can't. It's YOUR cancer." (Be sure and read that with the appropriate amount of teenage angst.) Since then, I've made sure he knows what is going on, and that he can ask any question. But that's it.

Hugs,

Linda

tommaseena

Gabe N Abby Mom said:

My kids are 14 and 10. I
My kids are 14 and 10. I was dx in Aug, two weeks before the start of a new school year...my son's freshman year. And to give him even more to deal with, we chose a school that requires a 30 minute commute. He only knew a small handful of kids who were also attending. So he had A LOT to deal with that freshman year. And in spite of it all, he's still a straight A student...I couldn't be more proud!

I emailed all my sons teachers and his counselor and asked them to watch for signs of stress beyond normal freshman stuff, both my son and I got such wonderful support from them. I also found out recently that my sons friends were watching and supporting him in ways I was totally unaware of at the time.

At one point, I gave my son something to read about cancer. He told me to stop..."Mom. You're trying to protect me from your cancer, and you can't. It's YOUR cancer." (Be sure and read that with the appropriate amount of teenage angst.) Since then, I've made sure he knows what is going on, and that he can ask any question. But that's it.

Hugs,

Linda

My son
My son was 5(Kindergarden) at the time when I was diagnosed and sat down with him that first night and explained everything to him and he has seen my scars and we(he and I) have a great support system from his school. He is so aware that not everyone reacts the same when they have treatment because I told him everything. That was 3 yrs ago(he is now in 2nd grade) and he is awesome and so in tune with his friends and cares for everyone.

Hugs,
Margo

I watched Jake and his teachers also looked to see if he may need to speak with someone but I think if we are open with our children they can either talk with us or their teacher or counselor at school.

chriskaput

my daughter still goes to therapy
I didn't think my daughter needed therapy. Seemed like she was doing fine, since I was dx in May 2010. She made it through the summer "just fine." Then came Sept. - a freshman in HS. She started having panic attacks - never did before. I thought it was the new school fear, etc. HS, ....

I decided to get her some professional help. She loves her weekly therapy sessions and finally has someone to talk to in confidence. I am so happy for her.....

I agree, out kids do need to talk to someone other than us. We think they are ok, but you never know what's going on in their little minds.

mamolady

chriskaput said:

my daughter still goes to therapy
I didn't think my daughter needed therapy. Seemed like she was doing fine, since I was dx in May 2010. She made it through the summer "just fine." Then came Sept. - a freshman in HS. She started having panic attacks - never did before. I thought it was the new school fear, etc. HS, ....

I decided to get her some professional help. She loves her weekly therapy sessions and finally has someone to talk to in confidence. I am so happy for her.....

I agree, out kids do need to talk to someone other than us. We think they are ok, but you never know what's going on in their little minds.

daughter
My daughter was 4 when my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer. My mom tried to be open with the girls as much as possible. She showed them her feet after her toes had been removed so they wouldn't be freaked out if they caught a glimps of them. I didn't find out for several years that my daughter was so freaked out about my mom being sick. They do hide it well....
Even now she is 26 and she cried when she saw my bald head for the first time.
Kids need to talk to someone, often some one not to close to the situation.