Done with radiation! Mixed emotions
I'm done! Yesterday was my last day.
Now that it's all said and done, it went by fairly quickly. I never got a rash, just very red and slightly tender. This site has helped a lot!
I had a weird and unexpected emotional reaction. In some ways I felt sad to stop. There's part of me that felt as long as I was there getting zapped, I was an active participant in killing any lurking cells even though didn't find any at all in my lumpectomy or nodes. I feel a little like it has returned to fate. I don't start tamoxifen until mid June. I try to remember, radiation is cumulative so technically it's still working.
I talked to my doctor and he gave me all the great stats for my situation, lumpectomy decreases recurrence to 40%, radiation down to 10% and tamoxifen will take it to 5%. However, my chance of getting another cancer is 1 in 6 rather than 1 in 8. However, since I will be screened more often, I have a better chance of having it found earlier and treated more successfully. However . . .
I'm actually very happy, but it's this silly little nagging thought that seems irrational. I've been trying to ignore it but realized I don't need to ignore it when I have others to 'talk' to that have been there, done that!
Thanks in advance,
Marlene
Comments
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Congrats!
I am very jealous that you are done, but my finish date will come soon enough, June 30, and then we will all party that long weekend!
I understand what you are saying, about the nagging thought. When my MO turned me over to the RO and told me she would see me in 3 months she jokingly said "you're gonna miss me". When I thought about it I realized I really was ....seeing her made me feel like she was watching what was going on and I was being monitored. I seemed to think that the 3 weeks til I started rads would be the end of me, the cancer boogey man would get me.
Funny how the traumatized human mind works!!
Congrats and hang in there,
Jennifer0 -
I think many of us
I think many of us experienced your mixed emotions. Rather like being on the high-wire without a safety net! But...the further away from treatment you get, the more you will like it! :-)
Congratulations on your milestone~enjoy your Life After Cancer! Whoooooo---hooooooooo!!!!0 -
Hi Marlene!chenheart said:I think many of us
I think many of us experienced your mixed emotions. Rather like being on the high-wire without a safety net! But...the further away from treatment you get, the more you will like it! :-)
Congratulations on your milestone~enjoy your Life After Cancer! Whoooooo---hooooooooo!!!!
I have a feeling that most pink sisters get what you are saying, I know I do. Because rads are everyday for weeks, we get used to the routine, plus we feel like we are actually, really doing something in our fight against bc.
The cancer center or wherever you get your rads at kind of becomes a safe house for us, or, mine did for me. I loved the techs and my rads oncologist and everyone was so positive, kind and became life long friends.
And, once rads are done, some think " now what?". You feel a bit let down because you, personally, aren't doing anything active like you did with going to rads everyday and being zapped. It is normal and it will go away. You just need to give yourself some time to adjust to not going to rads and to having this free time now.
And, I want to congratulate you on finishing rads! You are a rad grad now!
Sue
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Marlene, I think a lot of us can relateRitzy said:Hi Marlene!
I have a feeling that most pink sisters get what you are saying, I know I do. Because rads are everyday for weeks, we get used to the routine, plus we feel like we are actually, really doing something in our fight against bc.
The cancer center or wherever you get your rads at kind of becomes a safe house for us, or, mine did for me. I loved the techs and my rads oncologist and everyone was so positive, kind and became life long friends.
And, once rads are done, some think " now what?". You feel a bit let down because you, personally, aren't doing anything active like you did with going to rads everyday and being zapped. It is normal and it will go away. You just need to give yourself some time to adjust to not going to rads and to having this free time now.
And, I want to congratulate you on finishing rads! You are a rad grad now!
Sue
to what you're saying. When I was in active treatment--even though it wasn't much fun, I felt pro-active. I also felt like I had wonderful doctors taking care of me on a very regular basis. Then, poof, you're on your own. Like Chen said--on the high wire without a safety net. But, it really does get better. You'll start feeling like getting out and doing the things you really love again--or discovering new ones. Like everything else, it just takes time.
It's hard not to think about recurrence. I'm doing group therapy and group meditation/yoga which is helping me learn how to "live in the moment" and not dwell on things that may never happen.
My best of luck and positive energy to you.
Hugs, Renee0 -
Yep, sounds just like how I
Yep, sounds just like how I felt. You just passed another milestone on your journey...Congratulations! Now it's time to set some new milestones, little things that help you come to terms with the "new normal". For me, that's been harder than active treatment.
Congratulations again on your Rad Grad status!
Hugs,
Linda0 -
Congrats!
I am at #18 of my 25 plus boosters. I can understand what you are saying about feeling pro-active during treatment. I told my RO last week that I missed him because I hadn't seen him for a while. He said "Wait until the day when I say 'See you in 6 months'" That will scare me!
Bonnie0 -
Radiation
I had 6 weeks of radiation and then a 2 and a half week boost. By the end of my treatment, all of my skin had fallen off and I could barely move without using the Mepolex bandages that they gave me. I was counting down the days until my last treatment, but at the end I was almost sad it was over. I have grown so close to my radiation therapists and all of the nurses. I finished the day before my 20th birthday and they surprised me with a big birthday cake on my last day. I think for me, the weirdest part is knowing that I'm almost finished with this crazy journey. For the longest time I couldn't even picture the finish line, and now that it is here I'm not sure if I am as excited about it. Before I was constantly go-go-go and now that I am finished with treatments, it's the first time I'm realizing how crazy it is that I had to go through all of that.
Praying for you! So happy for you that you're done!!
Kat0 -
chemo nurse and radiation techs
My chemo nurse and radiation techs were the BOMB!!! I credit them with a big part of getting me thru it all. I think most of them are amazing people to do what they do every day. I mean I went thru so much just dealing with my cancer, but they help so many people every day and it has to be hard on them because you know that they get attached to us as much as we get attached to them. Every time I go in for a check up at my oncologist or my radiologist I am sure to stop by and say hey to them first before I see the doctor.0 -
It's like....HootieGirl said:Radiation
I had 6 weeks of radiation and then a 2 and a half week boost. By the end of my treatment, all of my skin had fallen off and I could barely move without using the Mepolex bandages that they gave me. I was counting down the days until my last treatment, but at the end I was almost sad it was over. I have grown so close to my radiation therapists and all of the nurses. I finished the day before my 20th birthday and they surprised me with a big birthday cake on my last day. I think for me, the weirdest part is knowing that I'm almost finished with this crazy journey. For the longest time I couldn't even picture the finish line, and now that it is here I'm not sure if I am as excited about it. Before I was constantly go-go-go and now that I am finished with treatments, it's the first time I'm realizing how crazy it is that I had to go through all of that.
Praying for you! So happy for you that you're done!!
Kat
Being dropped "cold turkey!". Like most, I couldn't wait to be finished ALL treatment..but with 4 boosters left, I had a complete meltdown in my RO's office....I was sobbing, nose running, complete blabbering...if I had eyelashes at the time to put mascara on, that would have been running down my face too! After months of chemo and rads, I kept asking, now what? He assured me that my feelings were perfectly normal...truthfully, I thought he may have secretly called the men with the straightjackets...but he explained again, this is a normal feeling...we have fought for our lives since the day of diagnoses and now we've done all we can do....
It takes time to find what they call our "new normal"...and it does..I am 21 months out from all treatment..took me about a year....once all the side effects of treatment had dissipated, my energy level increased daily and I started to physically feel like my old self again...
Give yourself time...you'll get there...
Hugs, Nancy0 -
MY last day of radiation
is the day i remember the most out of all my dates....the finall day....finished...other then @a
3 & 6 mth appts...
June 8,08 for me...
Denise
I wish you good feelings0 -
Marlene,
My oncologist told
Marlene,
My oncologist told me after my treatments were finished that many people had trouble with their feelings when it was all over. It's probably that fear, like you said, that we're suddenly not doing anything "to" the would-be cancers....0 -
Marlene
You have expressed exactly how I felt when I finished rads Feb 15, 2011. I felt strange, like I should be elated but was apprehensive to feel that way. This past week has been one year since being dx and I will feel much better mentally after my surgeon sees xray and I see onc again next month. I want them both to tell me there is no evidence of this nasty disease.
{{hugs}} Char0 -
For a short timecahjah75 said:Marlene
You have expressed exactly how I felt when I finished rads Feb 15, 2011. I felt strange, like I should be elated but was apprehensive to feel that way. This past week has been one year since being dx and I will feel much better mentally after my surgeon sees xray and I see onc again next month. I want them both to tell me there is no evidence of this nasty disease.
{{hugs}} Char
I, too, felt dismissed and alone. It really didn't last long, because so many physicians are seeing me regularly and I see someone at least every other month for something. I have regular appointments with the surgeon (every 6 months), the medical oncologist (every 4 months), and the radiation oncologist (every 4 months) - at least for the next couple of years. I also see a gynecologic oncologist every 4 months and he's always somewhat interested about my breast cancer treatments/status. And, I'm on Arimidex, so that's still doing something - every day.
I don't feel done at all with all these appointments, mammograms, and labs, but I do still worry about what might be growing since they're no longer actively trying to kill stuff (or me).
I think you can see that what you're feeling is perfectly normal (at least for us).
Suzanne0 -
felt the same way after radiation
I can sooo relate to this...After radiation, I felt like somebody had removed my training wheels before I was ready to ride a two wheeler!! I developed friendships with the people who took care of me on a daily basis and it was so hard to say good bye!! All you can do is smile and don't be afraid to check in with your doc on those days when you are feeling a little lost. It's okay to have mixed emotions. I think every one of us looks over our shoulder from time to time worrying that we just might not be okay. That being said, try and focus on the moment and focus less on the worry. I realized that this is easier said than done, but it is possible... :>)
Mrs. Gadget0 -
rads donemrs gadget said:felt the same way after radiation
I can sooo relate to this...After radiation, I felt like somebody had removed my training wheels before I was ready to ride a two wheeler!! I developed friendships with the people who took care of me on a daily basis and it was so hard to say good bye!! All you can do is smile and don't be afraid to check in with your doc on those days when you are feeling a little lost. It's okay to have mixed emotions. I think every one of us looks over our shoulder from time to time worrying that we just might not be okay. That being said, try and focus on the moment and focus less on the worry. I realized that this is easier said than done, but it is possible... :>)
Mrs. Gadget
I felt the same way---Happy it's done, but still the nagging question"now what?" I finally have days where I don't even think of the bc, but when it comes to 3 mos oncologist check up and 6 mos mammy--all the feeling of uncertainty come flooding back. I have to say that I just had my 6 mos mammy and all looks well (YAY!!!!!!!)..There is a light at the end of the tunnel. New "normal" is quite different from the old, but as time goes by, it does get better.
Keep the faith all of my sisters out there!!!!0 -
I know how you feel. I
I know how you feel. I finished today and feel the same way. I actually started to cry when I hugged the techs goodbye! Got a certificate and everything. But I'm like, now what? where do we go from here? Am I on my own now? It's the not doing something that has me worried. So, I guess we are in the same boat : )
Angela0 -
Thank you!robang13 said:I know how you feel. I
I know how you feel. I finished today and feel the same way. I actually started to cry when I hugged the techs goodbye! Got a certificate and everything. But I'm like, now what? where do we go from here? Am I on my own now? It's the not doing something that has me worried. So, I guess we are in the same boat : )
Angela
What great comments. It makes me feel normal! I was able to take a trip to my hometown and I found getting away helps since there aren't the reminders of the routine.
4 days done and fairly "tan." just a little red where the boost was. I'm still not too keen on wearing bras! The great news is energy level is up significantly!
Thanks again,
Marlene0 -
It is hard when we finishpoplolly said:Marlene,
My oncologist told
Marlene,
My oncologist told me after my treatments were finished that many people had trouble with their feelings when it was all over. It's probably that fear, like you said, that we're suddenly not doing anything "to" the would-be cancers....
It is hard when we finish rads, as, it seems like we are done. We are done with our treatments, or, most of us are, and, we feel sort of abandoned. It is ok to feel like this. But, your oncologist and your other doctors will keep a good eye on you. Congrats on finishing rads! Huge accomplishment!
Good luck,
Leeza0 -
It's such a relief!!MarleneElla said:Thank you!
What great comments. It makes me feel normal! I was able to take a trip to my hometown and I found getting away helps since there aren't the reminders of the routine.
4 days done and fairly "tan." just a little red where the boost was. I'm still not too keen on wearing bras! The great news is energy level is up significantly!
Thanks again,
Marlene
I have 5 more to go....granted it's on my head which scares the snot out of me that it won't work as well as it did on the breast area/bone....but I am HOPEFUL and you have good reason to be too!! Glad to hear your energy is up, I think it's such a mental thing getting there everyday. Enjoy your break from the rountine....I can't wait to "join" that lack of rountine next week!! Blessings to you!! 0 -
depressionstayingstrongfortoday said:It's such a relief!!
I have 5 more to go....granted it's on my head which scares the snot out of me that it won't work as well as it did on the breast area/bone....but I am HOPEFUL and you have good reason to be too!! Glad to hear your energy is up, I think it's such a mental thing getting there everyday. Enjoy your break from the rountine....I can't wait to "join" that lack of rountine next week!! Blessings to you!!
I understand totally what you are saying. I went into a sort of depression when I finished with the radiation treatments... but it was almost worse when I finished herceptin. For months ... cancer ... surgery, chemo and radiation ... then it was over. Not more treatments. I felt abandoned and that I was supposed to be in control ... but I didn't feel competent. I still sort of feel that way ... even though I still go for my mammograms and check ups ... I don't feel like there's any treatment going on (except tamoxifen). Maybe that's why I haven't had my port removed. At least I go in every few weeks and have to have the port flushed ... so I do have some contact with the nurses in the infusion room ... who are wonderful. Even if it's only for a couple of minutes ... it still feels like there's something going on. Silly ... huh?
hugs.
teena0
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