One Week From Today...

emamei

One week from today I will be having surgery, a mastectomy. I've been trying to work my way through a barrage of emotions about losing my breast. I am in a war against the cancer in my body. With every war there is loss, casualties, collateral damage. In this case, my breast.

I feel like cancer has been and is stealing parts of my life, parts of me quite literally.

I was watching the season finale of one of my favorite nighttime series, Bones. One of the main characters, Angela, went into labour and delivered her baby boy during the episode. I felt happy for her (I know it's fiction, but still). At the same time I burst into tears and I looked at Scott (he likes the show too) and began to sob. I recall saying "it's not fair". You see, it's looking like all the surgeries and chemo, and stress, have put me on the ride known as early menopause. I explained to Scott that I was upset at the prospect I will never be able to have another child. Scott was surprised by this statement because we mutually decided not to have any more kids after we had our third who is now seven years old. I explained that I still felt that way, but it's quite a different matter when a woman is in control of her body and in control of those decisions. In my case, cancer has stolen that control, that ability to choose. I'm upset on principle. This cancer is stealing from me intricate parts of what make me a woman and I'm really pissed off about it! I'm mourning the losses. Scott got it, he understood and is mourning along with me.

War, like a strategic game of chess or checkers, is made up of measures and counter measures. I could choose not to have the mastectomy, but like all battle strategists, I can predict my opponent's counter move, cancer would most certainly dig into the trenches deep and no doubt kill me, or at least die trying.

So, what logical choice do I have? I must have this mastectomy. In words it seems simple enough, doesn't it. But life is not just words, life is not that simple.

People who have known me for long time know, my life has never, ever, been simple. I'm a seasoned veteran, but that doesn't make fighting this war any easier.

I'm meeting with my surgeon again tomorrow. I have some additional questions for her regarding the surgery and the anticipated physical outcome, etc.

My stomach is in really bad shape these days. I'm sick to my stomach constantly. My stomach is in knots and as a result is nauseous and everything I eat brings my digestive system into turmoil; pains, cramping, and frequent visits to the washroom.

I'm not sleeping well either and my headaches persist. I'm down to trying to get through hour by hour right now.

I've been told by members of medical team, the counselor and other women - fellow breast cancer warriors, that everything I'm feeling, thinking, etc., is perfectly normal and is a process I must go through.

Sometime we has human beings choose our own hell and other times it is chosen for us. I'm living through a hell not of my own making. I am determined to survive, to fight my opponent and win this war. I will come out on the other end no doubt singed and definitely scarred, physically, psychologically and emotionally.

I am a survivor, a warrior, I know I am and others tell me so as well. That said, I am but human and will continue on this ride until it's over.

MAJW

If..
If you've already had a lumpectomy,per your profile, why a mastectomy now? I had invasive ductal also..stge II a... Triple negative... a lumpectomy, chemo and rads...was told the survival rate was no better with a mastectomy...

But it's always a personal decision....
Wishing you well....

CypressCynthia

MAJW said:

If..
If you've already had a lumpectomy,per your profile, why a mastectomy now? I had invasive ductal also..stge II a... Triple negative... a lumpectomy, chemo and rads...was told the survival rate was no better with a mastectomy...

But it's always a personal decision....
Wishing you well....

mastectomy vs lumpectomy--not always a choice
I was not given the choice of a mastectomy because my tumor was so large and my breast was small. Both my surgeon and plastic surgeon said it wouldn't be cosmetic.

Some have a mastectomy after lumpectomy because of a local recurrence or because of a particularly aggressive type of tumor.

My younger sister was offered a lumpectomy but chose a mastectomy because of my history. When they did the mastectomy, the docs found a separate unknown invasive tumor far from where they would have done a lumpectomy, so she made the right decision for her.

We are all so different and have such different stories.

New Flower

I know you are a very good writer
Please tell us about your 3 beautiful daughters.
For me my future has been my loved ones, including children.
Thanks

emamei

MAJW said:

If..
If you've already had a lumpectomy,per your profile, why a mastectomy now? I had invasive ductal also..stge II a... Triple negative... a lumpectomy, chemo and rads...was told the survival rate was no better with a mastectomy...

But it's always a personal decision....
Wishing you well....

Why mastectomy?
Because after my lumpectomy and eight rounds of chemo there is still residual IDC cells present that survived the chemo.

Alexis F

CypressCynthia said:

mastectomy vs lumpectomy--not always a choice
I was not given the choice of a mastectomy because my tumor was so large and my breast was small. Both my surgeon and plastic surgeon said it wouldn't be cosmetic.

Some have a mastectomy after lumpectomy because of a local recurrence or because of a particularly aggressive type of tumor.

My younger sister was offered a lumpectomy but chose a mastectomy because of my history. When they did the mastectomy, the docs found a separate unknown invasive tumor far from where they would have done a lumpectomy, so she made the right decision for her.

We are all so different and have such different stories.

You are a survivor and a
You are a survivor and a warrior! Always remember that!


Praying for you,


Lex

butterflylvr

New Flower said:

I know you are a very good writer
Please tell us about your 3 beautiful daughters.
For me my future has been my loved ones, including children.
Thanks

Maria your writing
Maria your writing constantly amazes me. Are you a journalist/writer of some sort? You have a fantastic way with words. Please know sweetie we are here for you and if you want we can have Traci gas up the Pink bus and we can all ride along next week with you. Now bear in mind that waiting room will be quite rowdy and your husband might feel like hiding in the corner. But hey.. it's the least we can do.

Loving thoughts and prayers coming your way,
Lorrie

emamei

New Flower said:

I know you are a very good writer
Please tell us about your 3 beautiful daughters.
For me my future has been my loved ones, including children.
Thanks

My Daughters
My three daughters are my life. I love them all with my whole being. My eldest, Mary is a very strong, bright, intelligent, self confident and determined young girl, she is 10. My middle daughter, Beth is one of the most loving, caring, compassionate child ever. She is strong, so very smart and takes very much after daddy, she is 8 (9 in Aug). Our youngest is our little ball of fire. She is sharp as a wit and has a very strong personality. She's very intuitive and isn't afraid to voice her opinions about things. She's highly social and has many friends at school. She is 7.

They have all been my helpers and cheerleaders through my journey so far. Especially my eldest. She has designated herself "mini mom" and helps with laundry and cooking and cleaning. She also helps to keep her sisters in line. She spends time checking in with me to see if I'm doing o.k. through all this. The day I was diagnosed, she sat on my bed with me and looked me straight in the eye an made me promise not to lie about any of it to protect her or keep anything from her. She was very serious and matter of fact, and I promised her I would not lie about it or keep anything about it from her.

I am truly blessed

poplolly

emamei said:

My Daughters
My three daughters are my life. I love them all with my whole being. My eldest, Mary is a very strong, bright, intelligent, self confident and determined young girl, she is 10. My middle daughter, Beth is one of the most loving, caring, compassionate child ever. She is strong, so very smart and takes very much after daddy, she is 8 (9 in Aug). Our youngest is our little ball of fire. She is sharp as a wit and has a very strong personality. She's very intuitive and isn't afraid to voice her opinions about things. She's highly social and has many friends at school. She is 7.

They have all been my helpers and cheerleaders through my journey so far. Especially my eldest. She has designated herself "mini mom" and helps with laundry and cooking and cleaning. She also helps to keep her sisters in line. She spends time checking in with me to see if I'm doing o.k. through all this. The day I was diagnosed, she sat on my bed with me and looked me straight in the eye an made me promise not to lie about any of it to protect her or keep anything from her. She was very serious and matter of fact, and I promised her I would not lie about it or keep anything about it from her.

I am truly blessed </p>

And this, dear Maria, is why
And this, dear Maria, is why we fight so hard to come out on the other side--our beautiful families!