Can't stop crying

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emamei
emamei Member Posts: 146
I can't seem to stop crying. Just when I think I have a handle on my emotions the tears begin to flow again.

I'm tired of mourning what was and will never be again, I'm tired of mourning the breast I will be losing on June 1st, and I'm dying to live again.

Timeline...

August 2010 Found a Breast Lump - Left Breast
September 2010 Mammogram, Ultrasound and Biopsies
October 2010 Lumpectomy and Axillary Node Dissection, 18 Nodes Removed
PATHOLOGY Triple Negative, IDC, Stage 2, Grade 3, Tumor Size 3.5cm, 2 of 18 nodes positive
November to beginning of December 2010 Post-op Recurrent Breast Infection - Left Breast
December 2010 to March 2011 Chemotherapy
April 2011 Re-excision Surgery to Clear Margins
PATHOLOGY Residual IDC Cells Present - Cells Survived Chemo
June 2011 Mastectomy
Approximately July 2011 Scar Reduction Surgery
Approximately July to August 2011 Radiation Therapy - Anticipate 7 weeks of rads

I'm scared, depressed, and just want to survive all of this move forward with my life, with my husband and daughters. When will the tears stop? Perhaps never. I just want to step out of the dark clouds that surround me and into the warmth of the sun again.

Comments

  • laughs_a_lot
    laughs_a_lot Member Posts: 1,368 Member
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    Tears
    Sometimes tears are necessary to wash away the emotional toxins. I did not cry much. I was always expected to be the strong one. That too is a burden you would not want. I must cry in private (often in the car).

    If you find crying getting in the way of functioning then you may need to go on an anti-depressant if not already on one. Many anti-depressants also help with anxiety as well. If you are currently on an anti-depressant perhaps this one is no longer working. It is possible that chemo could effect how well a medication will work.

    Just hang in there whatever you decide to do and keep checking in with us. Even if what I am saying does not make sense to you, someone will say something that will make sense so keep comming back here until you feel better. Once you feel better still keep comming back here.
  • LoveBabyJesus
    LoveBabyJesus Member Posts: 1,679 Member
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    My dear sweetheart -- I
    My dear sweetheart -- I wish, oh how I wish we can move some days (weeks) forward. Perhaps you just need to let it all out in this way. Remember this won't be forever. You will feel better again and regain your energy, and be happy with your family.

    I will pray for you tonight. You know...you are not alone. God is with you.

    I pray that you will feel better soon.
    I pray that you will overcome this and never, ever, have to look back again.
    I pray that you'll be happy with your family with NO worries.
    I pray that you SEE that you will be OK and move on with your life.

    We are here for you.
  • Survivor73
    Survivor73 Member Posts: 135
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    Dear Emamei..I'm so sorry
    Dear Emamei..I'm so sorry for what you are dealing with...I hope you can feel my cyber hug that is coming to you.()

    Nothing is easy anymore, but we will get through this. You go ahead and be upset...just know we are all behind you and with you.

    And know that the warm sun weather is right around the corner and will come soon.

    take care.
  • chriskaput
    chriskaput Member Posts: 109
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    I know how you feel
    I am sorry you are feeling this way lately...I definately know how you are feeling. I hope it is comforting to know that we are here for you for whenever you need us. I was diagnosed last year (May 2010) had chemo, lumpectomy, re-excision for clear margins and then rads. Currently almost finished with Herceptin and on Tamoxifen. It's been a long year and i just want to move on. I take it day by day and every time I think about how bad last year was for me, I think about how thankful I am that I got through it. Now I appreciate each healthy day I have..day by day. We are fighters and the fact that we have each other means that you are not alone in this fight.

    All the best.

    hugs, Chris.
  • GrowingSoul
    GrowingSoul Member Posts: 18
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    Emotional Flood
    Tears and tears and a million more tears are just what may help you. Let that emotional flood wash over you, and let the tears run off into the distance. Hopefully they eventually will take away some of your sorrow, fear and uncertainty about "what's next" and "when will this ever end".

    You have gone through such a lot in a short time, and it does take a toll. Trying to recover and perk back up physically, mentally, emotionally after every setback you go through is hard, tough, lonely at times, and just so very difficult.

    Patience is surely one of the hardest things....wish I could speed things up for you, and spare you the steps ahead of you...ugggh!!!! But please know, I am wishing for you that there will be rays of hope again, and sprinkles of joy, and that you will be standing in the warmth of the sun again, and look at your husband and daughters and feel alive again.

    Sending you rays of verbal sunshine to start warming you!
  • Texasgirl10
    Texasgirl10 Member Posts: 668
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    Emotional Flood
    Tears and tears and a million more tears are just what may help you. Let that emotional flood wash over you, and let the tears run off into the distance. Hopefully they eventually will take away some of your sorrow, fear and uncertainty about "what's next" and "when will this ever end".

    You have gone through such a lot in a short time, and it does take a toll. Trying to recover and perk back up physically, mentally, emotionally after every setback you go through is hard, tough, lonely at times, and just so very difficult.

    Patience is surely one of the hardest things....wish I could speed things up for you, and spare you the steps ahead of you...ugggh!!!! But please know, I am wishing for you that there will be rays of hope again, and sprinkles of joy, and that you will be standing in the warmth of the sun again, and look at your husband and daughters and feel alive again.

    Sending you rays of verbal sunshine to start warming you!

    I understand
    I understand your grief. This is a very hard thing to digest. You go ahead and cry and know that all of your pink sisters are right beside you holding your hand, hugging you and loving you through this.

    I am sending you a big cyber hug and lots of positve thoughts.

    Hugs and God Bless,

    Dawne
  • dbhadra
    dbhadra Member Posts: 344 Member
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    I understand
    I understand your grief. This is a very hard thing to digest. You go ahead and cry and know that all of your pink sisters are right beside you holding your hand, hugging you and loving you through this.

    I am sending you a big cyber hug and lots of positve thoughts.

    Hugs and God Bless,

    Dawne

    you have been through a lot...
    ....and tears are a normal reaction. I usually feel better after crying.

    But if you feel you are not able to function due to the extreme sadness you might want to talk to your doctor about an anti-depressant. I take Paxil, and have for years before being dx'd. I have no doubt it helps me as I used to have extreme emotional mood swings, anxiety attacks, etc.

    Hang in there!

    Laura
  • Ritzy
    Ritzy Member Posts: 4,381 Member
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    I understand
    I understand your grief. This is a very hard thing to digest. You go ahead and cry and know that all of your pink sisters are right beside you holding your hand, hugging you and loving you through this.

    I am sending you a big cyber hug and lots of positve thoughts.

    Hugs and God Bless,

    Dawne

    I had a lumpectomy, so, I
    I had a lumpectomy, so, I can't understand all that you are going thru. But please know that the pink sisters here are all drying your tears and giving you the biggest hugs that we can.

    Wishing you the best of luck with your surgery.

    Sue :)
  • VickiSam
    VickiSam Member Posts: 9,079 Member
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    Ritzy said:

    I had a lumpectomy, so, I
    I had a lumpectomy, so, I can't understand all that you are going thru. But please know that the pink sisters here are all drying your tears and giving you the biggest hugs that we can.

    Wishing you the best of luck with your surgery.

    Sue :)

    I am so very sorry, my heart goes out to you !!
    At some point in our lives, each of us faces the loss of someone or something dear to us. The grief that follows such a loss can seem unbearable, but grief is actually a healing process. Grief is the emotional suffering we feel after a loss of some kind. The death of a loved one, loss of a limb, even intense disappointment can cause grief. Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross has named five stages of grief people go through following a serious loss. Sometimes people get stuck in one of the first four stages. Their lives can be painful until they move to the fifth stage - acceptance.

    Five Stages Of Grief ---

    Denial and Isolation.
    At first, we tend to deny the loss has taken place, and may withdraw from our usual social contacts. This stage may last a few moments, or longer.

    Anger.
    The grieving person may then be furious at the person who inflicted the hurt (even if she's dead), or at the world, for letting it happen. He may be angry with himself for letting the event take place, even if, realistically, nothing could have stopped it.

    Bargaining.
    Now the grieving person may make bargains with God, asking, "If I do this, will you take away the loss?"

    Depression.
    The person feels numb, although anger and sadness may remain underneath. *I am still at this phase*

    Acceptance.
    This is when the anger, sadness and mourning have tapered off. The person simply accepts the reality of the loss.

    Hope this helps in some small way :-)

    Vicki Sam
  • MarleneElla
    MarleneElla Member Posts: 22
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    VickiSam said:

    I am so very sorry, my heart goes out to you !!
    At some point in our lives, each of us faces the loss of someone or something dear to us. The grief that follows such a loss can seem unbearable, but grief is actually a healing process. Grief is the emotional suffering we feel after a loss of some kind. The death of a loved one, loss of a limb, even intense disappointment can cause grief. Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross has named five stages of grief people go through following a serious loss. Sometimes people get stuck in one of the first four stages. Their lives can be painful until they move to the fifth stage - acceptance.

    Five Stages Of Grief ---

    Denial and Isolation.
    At first, we tend to deny the loss has taken place, and may withdraw from our usual social contacts. This stage may last a few moments, or longer.

    Anger.
    The grieving person may then be furious at the person who inflicted the hurt (even if she's dead), or at the world, for letting it happen. He may be angry with himself for letting the event take place, even if, realistically, nothing could have stopped it.

    Bargaining.
    Now the grieving person may make bargains with God, asking, "If I do this, will you take away the loss?"

    Depression.
    The person feels numb, although anger and sadness may remain underneath. *I am still at this phase*

    Acceptance.
    This is when the anger, sadness and mourning have tapered off. The person simply accepts the reality of the loss.

    Hope this helps in some small way :-)

    Vicki Sam

    Sending you positive energy and prayers!
    I join my fellow sisters in our cyber support.
    While sometimes it feels like each of our cases are so different, there's still a bond. We may all have our bad days, but when it's all said or done, it's NOT a contest of who had it better or who had it worse. It's just lots of prayers and positive energy hoping in some small way knowing we are there for each other.
    I hope there's some small ray of sunshine you can find in your day.
  • Gabe N Abby Mom
    Gabe N Abby Mom Member Posts: 2,413
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    I pray the tears now will
    I pray the tears now will make acceptance easier on the first. I pray that each tear now gives you strength when you do turn the corner.

    Big hugs,

    Linda
  • BioAdoptMom
    BioAdoptMom Member Posts: 358
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    Let those tears flow, get it
    Let those tears flow, get it out and know that we are all here for you! I am praying for you as we speak. (((HUGS))) friend!

    Nancy
  • CelticGoddess
    CelticGoddess Member Posts: 11
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    dbhadra said:

    you have been through a lot...
    ....and tears are a normal reaction. I usually feel better after crying.

    But if you feel you are not able to function due to the extreme sadness you might want to talk to your doctor about an anti-depressant. I take Paxil, and have for years before being dx'd. I have no doubt it helps me as I used to have extreme emotional mood swings, anxiety attacks, etc.

    Hang in there!

    Laura

    anti-depressants
    Just be careful with the happy pills, everybody--they can interfere with Tamoxifen. Effexor is the least risky, and it helps with the hot flashes. And of course, therapy is probably more effective, and without side effects. :D
  • CelticGoddess
    CelticGoddess Member Posts: 11
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    Crying
    I know exactly how you feel. I have been in cancer treatment for 2.5 yrs, plus 2 radical spine surgeries for pathological disk ruptures. I still can't stop crying. I just try to keep busy or distracted. I watch a lot of comedy on Hulu. And I indulge in a lot of very dark humor. I make fun of everything, even if I am the only one laughing. And I try to focus on the good things that I have in my life. Hug your hubby and kids every day and draw strength from their love. You may think you have to be strong for them, but really you don't. nobody expects you to be superhuman. This is one time when it's OK to lean on other people. And it will help your family, too, because they feel powerless to stop this illness, and if they can feel like they are helping you feel better with their love and support, they will be less frustrated.
    I know it sounds corny, but try to find something to be grateful for every day. Be glad you have a family! I am 45, single, and childless, and I would trade you my one good breast for a husband and kids. I am alone every single night, but you don't have to be. Remember to be thankful for that. Surround yourself with people who give off positive energy. And the best cure for crying I know is helping others. Even if it's just doing small things, like handing out warm blankets in the chemo lounge, or helping your friend get over her fear of the 1st mammogram. I can't cry when I help people because it feels good. I hope this helps in some way. I will keep you in my heart. XOXO, Kim
  • emamei
    emamei Member Posts: 146
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    Crying
    I know exactly how you feel. I have been in cancer treatment for 2.5 yrs, plus 2 radical spine surgeries for pathological disk ruptures. I still can't stop crying. I just try to keep busy or distracted. I watch a lot of comedy on Hulu. And I indulge in a lot of very dark humor. I make fun of everything, even if I am the only one laughing. And I try to focus on the good things that I have in my life. Hug your hubby and kids every day and draw strength from their love. You may think you have to be strong for them, but really you don't. nobody expects you to be superhuman. This is one time when it's OK to lean on other people. And it will help your family, too, because they feel powerless to stop this illness, and if they can feel like they are helping you feel better with their love and support, they will be less frustrated.
    I know it sounds corny, but try to find something to be grateful for every day. Be glad you have a family! I am 45, single, and childless, and I would trade you my one good breast for a husband and kids. I am alone every single night, but you don't have to be. Remember to be thankful for that. Surround yourself with people who give off positive energy. And the best cure for crying I know is helping others. Even if it's just doing small things, like handing out warm blankets in the chemo lounge, or helping your friend get over her fear of the 1st mammogram. I can't cry when I help people because it feels good. I hope this helps in some way. I will keep you in my heart. XOXO, Kim

    Thank you
    I want to thank all of your for your support and words of encouragement. I am getting extra help through my Cancer Agency with a counselor and psychiatrist. I'm on antidepressants (have been for 7+years) and on anti-anxiety meds too. I'm being told I'm doing all the right things to help myself, including reaching out to all of you here, but I still feel so overwhelmed and full of tears.

    I asked my husband yesterday to take a few pictures of my breasts so i will be able to remember what I looked like before the mastectomy. I know it sounds silly, but I felt it was important.

    The encouragement and support I have received from all of you means so much and helps me so much to cope through this nightmare journey.

    Maria
  • poplolly
    poplolly Member Posts: 346
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    emamei said:

    Thank you
    I want to thank all of your for your support and words of encouragement. I am getting extra help through my Cancer Agency with a counselor and psychiatrist. I'm on antidepressants (have been for 7+years) and on anti-anxiety meds too. I'm being told I'm doing all the right things to help myself, including reaching out to all of you here, but I still feel so overwhelmed and full of tears.

    I asked my husband yesterday to take a few pictures of my breasts so i will be able to remember what I looked like before the mastectomy. I know it sounds silly, but I felt it was important.

    The encouragement and support I have received from all of you means so much and helps me so much to cope through this nightmare journey.

    Maria

    Maria,
    I don't think I can

    Maria,

    I don't think I can add much to what's been said. I have cried many times. Now I am post-treatment and I feel depressed because I'm afraid cancer is somewhere else in my body. I am spending time with my grandchildren and painting to counter-act some of those feelings. It does help. (I have had the mastectomy and there is a great feeling of loss; I thought that was so odd and I wasn't prepared for that emotion.) Hang in there--sending love your way :)
  • dalia37
    dalia37 Member Posts: 10
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    Same cancer, same feelings
    Hi Maria,

    I was also Dx with breast cancer, triple negative, stage 2, grade 3 with 4 big tumors in the right breast, positive lymph nodes...I am going thru chemotherapy first to shrink the tumors, tomorrow is my 4th round...after that I am having surgery, still not sure what doctors are going to do, if lumpectomy or mastectomy, either way I have gone thru all the emotions and I have accepted this illness, it is hard and I totally understand your tears. I feel like crying sometime as well and that has helped me a lot, so if you feel like crying let the tears come out and I hope it helps me as much as it has helped me.
    Come to this site for support and tell us how you feel, us -people with cancer, really understand you!

    God bless you and I hope to read from you soon.

    Blanca