Husband Stressed and Suppressing Feelings
I cannot seem to get my husband to really, truly discuss is feelings and emotions with me about how all of this is making him feel.
He has been working a full time job, taking the kids to and from school every day, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping and taking care of me all these months.
He outlet for stress and down time is playing computer games and for the most part I don't mind, but lately, especially in the last two weeks I've tried to draw him out and this morning things blew up - of all days, today - Mother's Day.
I'm here alone at home sobbing as I type this. He's taken the girls to the grocery store. All I said this morning was after all the things he does each day for us, it seems like every time he finally sits with me he has his laptop in hand and is either playing computer games or reading the news. This is exactly what I said, however, he "heard" "you do nothing but sit on your **** playing computer games". Unfortunately he is much like his mother this way, choosing to hear what he wants and not necessarily what is said.
I feel hurt and I feel like I'm being tuned out. He will tell me things like, "I'm concerned about everything, but not scared", or "I believe everything will be o.k.", or I'm hoping for the best", or "I love you, you will be fine you will get through this".
I know he is extremely stressed these days, the reality is he is spread very thin as far as his energy levels are concerned. This has all been compounded lately by us losing the use of our second vehicle and issues with one of our daughters at school who has special needs.
I've suggested counseling for him and for us. I'm already getting counseling. He's not too keen on opening up emotionally to a counselor.
I know it's hard for any of you to answer this given you don't know us, but have any of you experienced the same or similar situations with your husband or partner? If so, how did you work it out?
Comments
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The subtleties of the male mind at work
First of all, I want you to know I'm actually on YOUR side. With all of the crazy, uh, stuff going on in your life together, you have a right to sit down with your husband and talk through things, just the two of you. I wish you the very best in drawing him out. All I have to advise is to be very careful.
My beloved Moopy and I spent the summer of 2009 with our three dogs in a rented St. Louis condo. I was the chauffeur, dog walker, errand boy and almost everything else. Moopy and I were both exhausted by the end of each day. My poor little kitten would go to sleep, preparing for yet another round of radiation, while I stayed up until 2 or 3 doing exactly the same sort of grownup-boy stuff your husband does. I know my being tired all the time bugged Moopy from time to time, but I finally convinced her that it was my virtual man cave, substituting for my study back at home. I realize that your situation is different and more intense, what with the real live kids and all. But you might wish to consider another approach.
I don't know whether this would work for you or not, but Moopy sometimes sent me emails and facebook messages. Sometimes from across the living room. Mostly just goofy stuff like "Hi," but sometimes deadly serious stuff about, well, you can imagine. Stuff we didn't want to talk about out loud. We usually wound up talking about this stuff in real life, but not always. Hope this helps even a little bit, and hang in there. The subtleties of the male mind at work can be comprehended by those women who wish to work at it (stop laughing up there, Moopy!)
Best,
Joe0 -
Yes!
Many men respond to stress by tuning out and keeping busy. Our men were taught to stuff their feelings so when faced with the prospect of losing their partner, they don't know how to access them. He may really not know he has feelings to express or may feel that he must be strong for you. Some men have said that they feel that taking care of things for us showing their love and concern. Others have said that there is nothing to discuss because the doctors have it handled. I have always felt that women express and men repress.
If Joe is on the site, I'm sure he can give you sage advise.
Hugs.
Roseann0 -
Hey Joe...roseann4 said:Yes!
Many men respond to stress by tuning out and keeping busy. Our men were taught to stuff their feelings so when faced with the prospect of losing their partner, they don't know how to access them. He may really not know he has feelings to express or may feel that he must be strong for you. Some men have said that they feel that taking care of things for us showing their love and concern. Others have said that there is nothing to discuss because the doctors have it handled. I have always felt that women express and men repress.
If Joe is on the site, I'm sure he can give you sage advise.
Hugs.
Roseann
I'm so glad you responded to this post while I was. You're the man!
Roseann0 -
Wow what excellent advice
Wow what excellent advice Joe
My experience was a lot different and I wound up getting a divorce through cancer. Now that were divorced and living separately we get along fine. I don't think the cancer caused the divorce, I think it was already in the making and the cancer just sped things up. It helps me to look back now and see where the mistakes were made as to not make the same one twice. My cancer took a huge tole on my family and my husband included. He didn't do the running, cleaning, or any of that stuff because he was too busy working 60+ hours a week to keep the insurance and pay for the bills. The financial burden was huge! If I could turn back time, I'd be more patient, more understanding and let things go (I used to hold horrible grudges). Anyhow, I'm praying you and your husband can get things back on track and remember, this is a trying time for everyone involved and it will pass. Big Hugs!
~Kari0 -
The male earpinkkari09 said:Wow what excellent advice
Wow what excellent advice Joe My experience was a lot different and I wound up getting a divorce through cancer. Now that were divorced and living separately we get along fine. I don't think the cancer caused the divorce, I think it was already in the making and the cancer just sped things up. It helps me to look back now and see where the mistakes were made as to not make the same one twice. My cancer took a huge tole on my family and my husband included. He didn't do the running, cleaning, or any of that stuff because he was too busy working 60+ hours a week to keep the insurance and pay for the bills. The financial burden was huge! If I could turn back time, I'd be more patient, more understanding and let things go (I used to hold horrible grudges). Anyhow, I'm praying you and your husband can get things back on track and remember, this is a trying time for everyone involved and it will pass. Big Hugs!
~Kari
is a wonderful thing! I've had to bite my tongue a number of times because I'm not sure how to say what I want to so that it will be heard the way it's meant. My husband has been great and supportive, going to all my chemo treatments, doctors' appointment etc. but I felt very alone during radiation because he's a CPA and my radiation was totally, yep you guessed it, during tax season. He'd get home around 9:30 or so at night and be gone again by 7 in the morning while I was feeling tired and driving myself for rads. Can you schedule a time for just the 2 of you? Maybe dinner out or a movie? I managed to drag my husband away from teh office for a special dinner when I became a rad grad. On the other hand he was busy with the Lions Club trout derby this weekend when I was doing the 5K for the breast care alliance. (sigh) I guess we just need to let them cope in their own way sometimes but try to find some time together too.
Praying that you can meet in the middle for some private time together!0 -
Men and hearing.
I have seven brothers and no sisters. Given this fact I have been socialized more like a man than a woman. Men bond by doing things together. Feelings are hard to face. When I was going in for counselling years ago it was easier for me to express my feeings while knitting. My hands were busy and I did not need to look in the counsellors eyes as I had he perfect excuse. (By the way I do not need to look at my knitting when I knit). I could get to the bottom of some of my most intense feelings by knitting durring a counselling session. Children also need to be busy when in counselling so that they can access thier feelings.
Interestingly enough I have a far easier time relating to men than to women. I have always been this way. I grow close to my grandsons by getting them involved in a project. They have been doing landscaping or woodworking with me off and on for the last 3-4 summers. It is harder for me to bond with my grandaughters as I am not a girly girl. Now if they were into hardware stores we would really hit it off. I usually will do a bit of shopping with the girls but not much, as I only want to go in the store and get what I want/need and get the heck outa there. Nearly everyone likes a campfire and it tends to give one a chance to contemplate the complexities of life in a non threatening manner. So maybe some of this will give you a bit of insight to how to relate to your husband.0 -
Everyone is different, but
Everyone is different, but with my husband, he isn't real open to expressing his feelings. He was great at taking care of me, the house, dog, kids, and so on. He read a book called Breast Cancer Husband (I think that's the title). It was written by a man whose wife had breast cancer. It was candid and my husband found it helpful. We also agreed that we would take an hour every night to turn off tv, coumputers, radio - whatever and talk. It could be about cancer, feelings, weather, fishing... or we could sit and stare at our toes if we wanted to. Many times it lead to more time together, sometimes it was cut short. Maybe start with a half hour and see what happens.
Encourage him to let others help. He sounds like my husband and feels he has to take it all on himself. If someone else can help with kids, cars, housework, it will help. I told my husband that he was helping others by letting them help. Others needed to feel like they were doing something to help us while I went through chemo. Some brought meals over, one friend would visit me and her husband puttered in the yard with my husband - things like that. If nothing else, take turns playing games on the computer. It may not be your thing, but you'd be doing something together.
Best of luck and prayers to you.
Barb0 -
Men are wired differently!Barb A said:Everyone is different, but
Everyone is different, but with my husband, he isn't real open to expressing his feelings. He was great at taking care of me, the house, dog, kids, and so on. He read a book called Breast Cancer Husband (I think that's the title). It was written by a man whose wife had breast cancer. It was candid and my husband found it helpful. We also agreed that we would take an hour every night to turn off tv, coumputers, radio - whatever and talk. It could be about cancer, feelings, weather, fishing... or we could sit and stare at our toes if we wanted to. Many times it lead to more time together, sometimes it was cut short. Maybe start with a half hour and see what happens.
Encourage him to let others help. He sounds like my husband and feels he has to take it all on himself. If someone else can help with kids, cars, housework, it will help. I told my husband that he was helping others by letting them help. Others needed to feel like they were doing something to help us while I went through chemo. Some brought meals over, one friend would visit me and her husband puttered in the yard with my husband - things like that. If nothing else, take turns playing games on the computer. It may not be your thing, but you'd be doing something together.
Best of luck and prayers to you.
Barb
And they handle things differently...Men want to "fix things." They need to solve problems....and this is something they CAN'T fix...we all handle things differently, obviously...I watched my husband suffer along with me...but in a different way...he was very emotional...I think he took my diagnoses harder than I did..it's a feeling of helplessness...
Our children are grown, so we didn't have the child care issues...I also arranged, before my treatment started, for a cleaning service to come weekly...(I know I am fortunate to have the finances to do this)....Look into Cleaning for a Reason,( I think that's the name...someone will correct me if that's not it) A service that some cleaning services provide once monthly for 4 months for women undergoing treatment for cancer.. And do not turn down any offers of help, no matter how small the gesture...women aren't used to asking for help or accepting it...it's different this time...It makes people feel good to help even in the smallest ways..
Back to husbands...Right now it's time to think of yourself! I'm not saying disregard your husband's feeling, by any means...I think they become more fragile during our battle...but at the moment YOU come first...right now you're in the battle of your life...If his way of handling the stress is, at the end of the day, being on his laptop, so be it...I understand that you need him to listen to your fears and concerns...My husband also constantly said..."you'll be fine..."...he would correct me, after my lumpectomy,when I would say "I have cancer" ..he would say "You HAD cancer..". Honestly I got tired of him saying that, but it finally hit me, that he was correct...the cancer was gone from my body...They need to have the same beliefs as we do that we'll be fine...they just express it differently...they are terrified, as we are...men are notorious for keeping their feelings inside...women are far more verbal...this board is a wonderful source to express feelings...I found it was easier to tell my "cyber sisters" my deepest fears, than to tell my loved ones...I kept up the happy face for them....up to a point...again, our children are grown, so I didn't have the added burden of shielding young children...
Perhaps putting your fears, concerns and burdens in a letter to him, would make a difference...this way, he's not on his laptop, he can't comment while reading it, he'll just be reading your true feelings...let him read it, alone...give him a bit of time to digest it....it may make a difference and maybe not....but it might...I would suggest; Don't say....YOU..as in " YOU don't listen"....etc...instead use "I" as in "I need to be heard"...etc.. That way he won't take it, hopefully, as a personal attack but simply as you letting him know how you feel and expressing your special needs at this time...
I am wishing you the best and better days ahead....
Hugs,
Nancy
Cancer takes a huge toll on everyone, not just us...as we all know..0 -
Well men are different.
Well men are different. Typically they don't like to talk about things. I think feelings are processed differently for them, talking doesn't necessarily make them feel better. Just let him be. Perhaps he has a friend to talk to or just hang out with and blow off steam. My husband has made it clear to me that he doesn't want to talk, so I just leave him alone.0 -
Emamei
Take to heart what Joe wrote. He and his lovely departed Moopy are in our hearts forever. My husband is a very quiet person in everyday life. While going through chemo he would take the day off and give me a ride even though I was capable of going on my own. I didn't need him to drive me for rads. The important thing for me was that he had a good job with insurance that was covering everything. He worked a lot of overtime! We never really talked about my bc but I know it was on his mind. He has lost 2 brothers and a sister to cancer. He is a survivor of a malignant Thymus gland. He quietly supported me in whatever way he could. Words were not necessary.
{{hugs}} Char0 -
so sorry
I HOPE THINGS get better....
Denise0 -
Truly the wisest words of understanding...Aortus said:The subtleties of the male mind at work
First of all, I want you to know I'm actually on YOUR side. With all of the crazy, uh, stuff going on in your life together, you have a right to sit down with your husband and talk through things, just the two of you. I wish you the very best in drawing him out. All I have to advise is to be very careful.
My beloved Moopy and I spent the summer of 2009 with our three dogs in a rented St. Louis condo. I was the chauffeur, dog walker, errand boy and almost everything else. Moopy and I were both exhausted by the end of each day. My poor little kitten would go to sleep, preparing for yet another round of radiation, while I stayed up until 2 or 3 doing exactly the same sort of grownup-boy stuff your husband does. I know my being tired all the time bugged Moopy from time to time, but I finally convinced her that it was my virtual man cave, substituting for my study back at home. I realize that your situation is different and more intense, what with the real live kids and all. But you might wish to consider another approach.
I don't know whether this would work for you or not, but Moopy sometimes sent me emails and facebook messages. Sometimes from across the living room. Mostly just goofy stuff like "Hi," but sometimes deadly serious stuff about, well, you can imagine. Stuff we didn't want to talk about out loud. We usually wound up talking about this stuff in real life, but not always. Hope this helps even a little bit, and hang in there. The subtleties of the male mind at work can be comprehended by those women who wish to work at it (stop laughing up there, Moopy!)
Best,
Joe
... from our dear Joe. An insider's perspective.
The only thing I can possibly add here - your husband seems to be doing EVERYTHING, all by himself. It's certainly not easy to be the ultimate caregiver. And men are even more reluctant than we are to ask for assistance. It's that male pride thing.
Are there family members, friends, neighbors that could provide him with some help with tasks, chores and errands? For example, is there a nearby parent also getting children to and from school who could shuttle your kids? Even if not every day - a day or two a week would give your husband a break. Someone already heading to the grocery store could shop and deliver for you? Maybe even consider temporarily paying for some needs: house cleaning, laundry, etc. ...
Your husband is stressed with worry and concern for you - even if his words don't exactly spell it out. Just reading about ALL he actually DOES made me feel physically exhausted! Maybe if he's not so tired all the time (who wouldn't be?), he might feel relaxed enough to actually engage in the not-so-easy conversations.
Hopeful best wishes, for both of you.
Kind regards,Susan0 -
My husband
has been stoically supportive (his words) throught out my treatment. We were only married for 4 months before diagnosis (I was 57, first marriage--he was 55 and a widower) and he has been wonderful. He watched me cry everyday, then everyother day, then 3 days a week and now not so often, without any derrogatory remarks. He admitted to me at one point that he was scared and if I had refused treatment he would have fought me on it. But I did everything I could: surgeries, chemo & rads (I'm TNBC so there are no hormone pills that will help). He doesn't discuss my BC but he is aware of everything as I found out talking to the onc at my 3 month checkup.
He has just gotten an Iphone and between that and the laptop, I sometimes feel like I've lost him--but I just boot my own laptop or watch TV. If he wants to dream about a buying sailboat from E-bay, what can it hurt? Perhaps because we are in our late fifties and I lived alone for 40 years it doesn't bother me as much.
I know he is there for me and that's what counts.
Hugs,
JoAnn0 -
Husbandsjoannstar said:My husband
has been stoically supportive (his words) throught out my treatment. We were only married for 4 months before diagnosis (I was 57, first marriage--he was 55 and a widower) and he has been wonderful. He watched me cry everyday, then everyother day, then 3 days a week and now not so often, without any derrogatory remarks. He admitted to me at one point that he was scared and if I had refused treatment he would have fought me on it. But I did everything I could: surgeries, chemo & rads (I'm TNBC so there are no hormone pills that will help). He doesn't discuss my BC but he is aware of everything as I found out talking to the onc at my 3 month checkup.
He has just gotten an Iphone and between that and the laptop, I sometimes feel like I've lost him--but I just boot my own laptop or watch TV. If he wants to dream about a buying sailboat from E-bay, what can it hurt? Perhaps because we are in our late fifties and I lived alone for 40 years it doesn't bother me as much.
I know he is there for me and that's what counts.
Hugs,
JoAnn
I have no better advice than you've already received. Just want to say I hope everything works out for you both.
marge0 -
I'm a caregiver husband
I'm a caregiver husband myself, and I admit that sometimes, I've treated my wife the same way. It has less to do with her, than it does my own frustrations.
If he feels the way I do sometimes, he feels like he failed you. We somehow let a "bad guy" get past us on our watch and silly as it seems, it's hard to accept that. Frustration, because no matter what we do, we know nothing we do will take the cancer out. We're so used to tackling a problem and getting results. We go to every chemo and radiation session, doctor visit and hold your hand through the whole thing, and it's not a battle we're used to fighting. We want to fix it, and simply holding your hand and crying with you seems futile and weak to us.
It seemed to hit me once all the main treatments were done. I withdrew when all of it sunk in, because I was kept so busy with trying to make her well and being a dual parent, I didn't have much time to think about how it affected myself. When it did, I all but abandon her and I still don't know why. It wasn't anything she did at all, and it isn't anything you did, either.
I've watched my beautiful wife get radiated, burned, poisoned, cut up and pieced back together for going on three years now. Every time we turn a corner, a new nightmare pops up. Put yourself in his shoes as well. Say what you will about the male machismo psyche, but It's a curveball we never saw coming, and in short, we're pissed off. We keep praying, and it feels as though God isn't listening. And if God isn't listening, we're all alone.
Give him some space to be pissed off. He's earned it.0 -
Caregiver HusbandHubby43 said:I'm a caregiver husband
I'm a caregiver husband myself, and I admit that sometimes, I've treated my wife the same way. It has less to do with her, than it does my own frustrations.
If he feels the way I do sometimes, he feels like he failed you. We somehow let a "bad guy" get past us on our watch and silly as it seems, it's hard to accept that. Frustration, because no matter what we do, we know nothing we do will take the cancer out. We're so used to tackling a problem and getting results. We go to every chemo and radiation session, doctor visit and hold your hand through the whole thing, and it's not a battle we're used to fighting. We want to fix it, and simply holding your hand and crying with you seems futile and weak to us.
It seemed to hit me once all the main treatments were done. I withdrew when all of it sunk in, because I was kept so busy with trying to make her well and being a dual parent, I didn't have much time to think about how it affected myself. When it did, I all but abandon her and I still don't know why. It wasn't anything she did at all, and it isn't anything you did, either.
I've watched my beautiful wife get radiated, burned, poisoned, cut up and pieced back together for going on three years now. Every time we turn a corner, a new nightmare pops up. Put yourself in his shoes as well. Say what you will about the male machismo psyche, but It's a curveball we never saw coming, and in short, we're pissed off. We keep praying, and it feels as though God isn't listening. And if God isn't listening, we're all alone.
Give him some space to be pissed off. He's earned it.
Thank you for being so honest and so straight forward. I really appreciate what you've said here, it has given me new perspective. I wish you and you wife all the best.0 -
emameiemamei said:Caregiver Husband
Thank you for being so honest and so straight forward. I really appreciate what you've said here, it has given me new perspective. I wish you and you wife all the best.
Glad I could offer something. Chances are, he's given you the time and understanding to be angry about it, and he needs that, too. There's plenty to be angry about.
When going through the treatments, all I could think about was getting things back to normal, but then it occurred to me, when it was all done, that things will never really be normal again, at least not like it was. I had to have some time to adjust to that.0 -
Thank you Joe & "Hubby"Hubby43 said:emamei
Glad I could offer something. Chances are, he's given you the time and understanding to be angry about it, and he needs that, too. There's plenty to be angry about.
When going through the treatments, all I could think about was getting things back to normal, but then it occurred to me, when it was all done, that things will never really be normal again, at least not like it was. I had to have some time to adjust to that.
for chiming in with the male perspective. Everyone is so busy trying to cope with everything we forget about the feelings of the "other half". My husband's response was to get on line and look up information. I didn't want to do that because there's so much negative out there and my mind was already running amok. That's where his shelter was for a while and he felt useful doing that. I had to go in a different diretion.0
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