moving on from dose dense

kayandok

Hi everyone. I started dose dense taxol (every week for 3 weeks) and carbo in September. Although, initially i did great, the numbers have crept up evrery month now. After consultation with my doctor in the US and here, I am on a short chemo break, and gathering myself together physically, mentally, and spiritually to go on an keep fighting this battle. Although the exact treatment is yet to be determined, I know from experience, I will be ok. That is, until I am NOT ok anymore, so why waste my time trying to even figure that out. In other words, freaking out or burying my life in the worries of how long I will be around blah blah just doesn't seem like a good use of time. I guess I am a lot closer to "acceptance" than i was even a year ago. Acceptace that I will be on chemo till I die, acceptance that I probably won't be able to live to see my kids have children, that my kids will be ok without me, acceptance that my husband can handle the kids. (He always surprises me at how well he does when I am gone for sometimes weeks) amd most of all acceptance that I am allowing God to choose the number of days He has decided I will get to live here and be ok with that. It a lot of acceptance I have been working on for the last almost 4 years, I reaized just now!

Anyway, it is late here, and the earthquake and nuclear plant images are still engraved in my mind, from watching too much TV, and if I let myself, I will begin rambling, and will spare you all that. This has all triggered so many things in my mind, including all the feelings I had in 1995 from the Hanshin Earthquake. So interesting how one can bury painful emotions, until they get triggered by something, and then there they are, like as if they never left!

Hugs all around,
kathleen

PS On a different note, woud anyone want to meet up for a few days to hang out? How about Hawaii in June? I have miles and would sincerely like to hang out with any or all of you. We could get a room all close by and just hang out on th beach shooting the breeze. What do you think?

lindaprocopio

((((Kathleen))))). We seem to be in a similar place, sweet girl
I well remember when taxol failed me, after having been my magic bullet that twice brought me into remission. The things you posted were my thoughts then, too, and honestly, still my reality. I have made my peace with it, and can still find the joy in each of my days. But 'the knowing' is there. Failed by taxol; failed by doxil; failed by carboplatin; and too afraid to get my latest CA125 on the avastin/cytoxin for fear that too has allowed disease progression.

And yet I believe you that you are accepting of your journey. I can see how true that is. Isn't it a wonder? Why are we not screaming at the injustice, the UNREALITY??! But the long battle, with all its unwelcome lessons and wisdom, makes that scream seem ridiculous, immature, inappropriate. And so we settle into our grace and acceptance, and live contentedly in the 'zen' of our peace. Earthly death is inevitable and universal to all living things, but this surreal knowing and acceptance is not. It is our unique bond, ladies.

Gentle hugs, for I wish you were not forced to be so wise and full of grace.

djinco

lindaprocopio said:

((((Kathleen))))). We seem to be in a similar place, sweet girl
I well remember when taxol failed me, after having been my magic bullet that twice brought me into remission. The things you posted were my thoughts then, too, and honestly, still my reality. I have made my peace with it, and can still find the joy in each of my days. But 'the knowing' is there. Failed by taxol; failed by doxil; failed by carboplatin; and too afraid to get my latest CA125 on the avastin/cytoxin for fear that too has allowed disease progression.

And yet I believe you that you are accepting of your journey. I can see how true that is. Isn't it a wonder? Why are we not screaming at the injustice, the UNREALITY??! But the long battle, with all its unwelcome lessons and wisdom, makes that scream seem ridiculous, immature, inappropriate. And so we settle into our grace and acceptance, and live contentedly in the 'zen' of our peace. Earthly death is inevitable and universal to all living things, but this surreal knowing and acceptance is not. It is our unique bond, ladies.

Gentle hugs, for I wish you were not forced to be so wise and full of grace.

Your Kind Words to Kathleen
Wow, what a poignant and beautiful letter to Kathleen. Your eloquence brings tears to my eyes because you face reality head on. I know we have all asked "why me" during our journeys with this dreaded disease. Just like you, I have found great comfort from new friends and wonderful caregivers. I still ask God each day for healing, realizing that His will be done. Kathleen and Linda, I will be praying for you both.

Love,
Betty

Lisa13Q

I'll meet you in Hawaii
Where Kauai? Maui? I know an amazing place in Kauai..very peaceful and wonderful.....it will be hot....

srwruns

Very heartful and poignant
Very heartful and poignant message ... and capturing with such grace the "fight" and the "surrender". To me they really are one and the same. When I was first DX I had to surrender all my preconceived notions about myself and my life so that I could rise up and engage in the good fight as a peaceful warrior. I wish I could go to Hawaii but not in the cards for me in June. My med bills are eating me up. Susan

JoanC

Maui/Hawaii
Kathleen,
YES, count me in for June or when ever.....I am in Maui right now taking a little break from the rain in Oregon. It would be so wonderful if some of us could meet.
(((HUGS))) Joan

kayandok

JoanC said:

Maui/Hawaii
Kathleen,
YES, count me in for June or when ever.....I am in Maui right now taking a little break from the rain in Oregon. It would be so wonderful if some of us could meet.
(((HUGS))) Joan

Thanks
forall the support and love! I will send you a PM, Lisa and Joan. It would be so fun if we could really mak this happen.
k

jloe

I'm pretty much in the same place as you & Linda
I'm just not able to be as eloquent as both of you are. I just bury myself in work. Thank god I really like my job and my friends at work. I feel really good physically and just keep going until I can't. Sometimes I feel so good that I forget for a minute, only a minute, that I actually have this dreadful disgusting disease.

I too have accepted the fact that I will be on chemo treatments until I'm no longer able to tolerate them or it just becomes a useless treatment for me.

PS My hubby and I have a townhouse in Newport, RI but it's in use right now. When it's clear I'll let you all know and if anyone is on the east coast we can hang out on the deck and watch the sail boats. My picture is my backyard in Newport. By the time we all offer up suggestions and places we could be on holiday for a long time. They can hook us up with a chemo clinic and blood tests there too so we don't miss something! LOL

Big hugs to you!


J