Not posting much

debbieg5

3Mana said:

tears come un-announced
Debbie,
I give you so much credit for trying to not cry in front of the kids. I have grandkids, but did have a hard time not crying when they were here. They would always say (I miss Papa) and that would set me off.
It's going to be a year ago this friday since I lost time. I will never forget that horrible night, when I had to call my 3 kids to tell them what was happening. They all live close to us, but by the time they got to our house, it was too late. Everything happened so fast the even Tom & I didn't get to say goodbye.
This morning at the coffee shop where I go every day, someone mentioned remembering how Tom was always so happy when he came there. Well, tears started coming again!!! I'm hoping once friday is over, that I'll be okay again. About everyone saying "you're so strong", little do they know how I am when I'm alone with my thoughts & memories.
All we have now is memories and we will make it Debbie!!! You have your kids to live for and I have my 3 & their families. Take care! Carole

tears
Don't get me wrong Carole....they do come out some times. I just try to not have it be the norm. Actually, they came out last night right in the middle of me trying to cook dinner. My daughter got a tatoo yesterday in remembrance of her dad. My 12 year old son started asking about it while I was cooking dinner and wanted to know how old he had to be to get one and he told me what he wanted. At the same time I was having flashes of my husband standing in the kitchen cooking....he was always cooking for us. The memories overcame me and the tears started coming down. As usual, my youngest came over to hug and hold me and tell me it would be OK. don't know what I would do without that little one.

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow Carole. don't try to fight the day...just let it happen and get over with.
Debbie

skipper85

I guess so many of us are going thru the same thing

I'm right there with you Penny. I haven't postd much lately either. Between losing my sister and Paul within weeks of each other I guess I just needed to get away from cancer for awhile.

I heard the "Oh I can't believe how strong you are" before, during and after Paul's passing. I don't think people realized that I was just going through the motions for Paul and also to keep my sanity while my heart was being ripped out. I'm still having a hard time concentrating on business - something I have to do to support myself. I'm on Prozac but I don't want a stronger dose because I do have to function somewhat. Even my dog Jessie is on Prozac. We both have the same dose so we share when one of us gets short on pills

I can't seem to really cry. I have some tears and feelings of overwhelming agony but I just want to bawl and I can't (not yet anyway). Penny, we both lost our husbands around the same time so I know what you mean about sometimes it seems it was long ago and other times it seems like it was yesterday. Going through the grief process is tough but we are all survivors here and we will get through it. We just don't know how long it will take to level off. Of course nothing will be the same but we will just have to accept a different "normal."

April - I feel the same way about bereavement groups. I don't need to go over things every week with a lot of emotionally distraught people who haven't been there with me and supported me the whole time the way the people on this board have. I would wind up being Ann Landers for everyone and I don't want to go there. What I really would like is just to get away and not think about work or anything. I want my mind to be blank for awhile (more than usual anyway

I'm going to try and visit this board more often. I don't want to desert my friends here. You all have been wonderful and I'm blessed to have you as friends.

((BIG HUGS)) to all of you great people.

Skipper

UKLady

mswijiknyc said:

Penny
I can understand as sometimes you just don't have the words. Been there a lot myself. But hopefully with the new fur baby in the house, the 3 of you can find the words together. As for being uplifting, don't know about you but when Pat passed my cheerleader went into hiding. Screw it - be you cuz that's what got you through in the first place. I'm a smart arse and that's what gets me through. Personally, the next person who tells me about a bereavement support group is getting b!tch slapped. I really feel the need to feel like crap once a week by sitting and hearing others who presume to know what I'm feeling. Everyone on this board and on this site is my support group - been there from the beginning and know where I am. Sorry tangent but I hope you get where I'm going on this one. Being the wife of a man who left permanently at 30 yrs old is a very strange place, at any age is a strange place. As long as I can keep my sarcasm I'll be ok. When I loose that be afraid.

Lyndsey - I fought for Pat from day one, even when he felt I was fighting against him. Every doctor visit, every hospital stay I was THERE. Not sure if you caught it, but right after Christmas we had a huge snow storm here in NYC. Staten Island got over 30 inches of snow. He was in the hospital having a morphine flip out and I was sent home as I made him more agitated. When they told me that all I could do was stand in the hallway and cry. The next day as everyone was digging out, I kept calling the hospital to see how he was doing, and getting no where. I packed a backpack and walked 2 hours to the hospital from the house and stayed the night to make sure he was in good hands. Was kind of weird, as soon as I got there the PCA told me that it was like Pat was waiting for me. He was up every 20 minutes being crazy, but within 3 hours of me being right there with him he fell asleep, and he hadn't slept (really slept) in over 24 hours. He would never admit it to me, but he needed me and wanted me with him.

These docs just don't seem to understand - it's not the patient you gotta watch out for. It's the spouses and caregivers that will climb up there and kick a$$ and take names! We know what's wrong and what's normal, these docs don't. I did everything I could and I have no regrets. And if you need a little Staten Island Irish on your side let me know. I'm dangerous cuz I know just as much as the docs do hee hee hee hee hee Keep your head up and stand your ground. I made sure Pat went the way he wanted, that was the best for both of us. Do what's right for you and your hubby. No regrets.

mswijiknyc
thanks for your reply April- it's much appreciated. I too fought from day 1 for Steve- problem was I was confined by my polite Britness back then in August- now I just plain fight down and dirty.......Delay in responding as I got what I wanted finally- three doctors three hospitals, working as a team. Steve is having three weeks daily radiation to the main tumour site instead of upping huge amounts of morphine with its hallucinations and its cheap and easy option for them.Almost done but just getting him to the hospital every day..........well you've been there girl!

Good news is pain gone from a 9 to a 4- bad news is- he seems beyond wanting to fight now yet not ready for hospice at home, possibly because of the bad myths out there.Even the mention of a hospital bed for comfort and save him pain on sitting up was met with negativity.He is fighting me now, just like your own experiences if I recall. I am seriously considering buying either a white coat or at the very least scrubs today ;-) They seem to come with less hassle :-)

Best wishes and kindest thoughts to you

Lyndsey