Coping After Treatment...

emamei

I was thinking today, something I believe I have too much time to do these days, about what my life is going to look like when my cancer treatments are done? I have two more chemo treatments to go, a break for a month, then more surgery to clear my margins, another break for about a month, then radiation therapy for about three to five weeks.

Since my diagnosis in September 2010, all my energy and focus has been on survival, getting through the surgery, chemo, etc., etc., I am married with three young daughters, I plan to return to college and pick up where I had to drop things last year. Does it sound strange that I don't feel like me anymore? Not just because of the physical scars, and the whole chemo "bald" look, etc., I just feel lost and not sure who I will be post treatment.

I'm 42 and I am blessed with an amazing husband who has stood by my side through so much, not just the cancer. But, I feel like he's had to assume the role of primary caregiver to me, and I've gone from the role of full time mom and wife, to patient.

I don't like my body after the surgery (I had a lumpectomy and axillary node dissection). There is quite a bit of nerve damage and I've lost so much feeling. My husband assures me he loves me no matter what, that he will always find me desirable. I don't doubt him, but I doubt me. I don't know if I will ever be comfortable with my physical self now.

Another issue that worries me is because I've had no time to adjust to or fully come to terms with my cancer and subsequent treatments because everything has had to happen so quickly in order to save my life, I feel a sense of impending melt down on the horizon. I know myself and this worries me a great deal.

I would love nothing more than to have the luxury of taking a year after all the treatment to just focus on fully healing, physically, emotionally, mentally, but I can't. We've been struggling on a single income for far too long and we decided some time ago that when our youngest entered grade 1, I would return to college, get my degree and move into a new career. That is what I started last year when cancer blind sided our lives.

I should be finished with all my treatments by the end of June, provided there are no delays. I will then have two months over the summer to get life and household back on track before returning to school in September.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm scared, unsure, apprehensive. I've always been so strong, focused, driven and I believe I've been so through the cancer ordeal, I'm just not sure if I will be for life after cancer.

I don't know if I'm making any sense, or of anyone else can relate, but I'd like to hear from others on how they've found their way after cancer.

PinkPearl

After cancer
You know I think cancer does change us all to some extent and we never go back to exactly the same as before. For the most part I think we come out better people-more understanding, more compassionate, more appreciative. Physically we are different but we adjust to that overtime. As you said, surgery and treatment are saving your life and you do whatever you have to do. If September rolls around and you aren't quite up to a full course load, then try just 1 or 2 classes and see how that does. Give yourself permission to slowly get back on schedule. I know I am just amazed how much time it takes to recover from all of this. It sure is not like a virus or a cold --over in a few days or a week! I feel confident you and I and all others will find our way after cancer -even the fact that we are thinking about life after now proves that.

aysemari

Hi emamei
I can't really give you much advice, I could have posted this. So know
that you are not alone.

I think we should all get a year to be able to focus on our healing process
full time. I live alone and had to work through it all. Like you was I back
in college trying to get a degree. Everything is on hold.. and I don't know
what it is I am waiting for. All plans and priorities seem to have shifted. It's
almost like during my treatment, one day at a time. It's like I am getting
comfortable in my new skin. But I know this, I will reinvent myself and
embrace life with an awareness that wasn't there before. For now I need
to leave AZ ( the thought of another summer here is enough to depress
me, LOL). I want a new start and a brand new page with the love of my
life - NYC. It will ignite my curiosity and excite me again, as it always
did.

When you think of your plans ahead... don't leave room for cancer. Dream
in the brightest colors.

On the days you feel bad and don't want to get up, then don't for a while,
do something to turn that feeling around, a movie, a book, a good snuggle
with your daughter, than ride positive feeling till it takes you to your next
task of the day. But don't stress yourself out about how you feel. The fear
your experiencing is very real, and you need to process it. So help yourself
in the process over the course of time it will take till you are comfortable
with yourself again. I had mastectomy, yes I miss my boobs and am sad
that I will never sense them again. But I am here. And for now that is
enough for me.

Hugs,
Ayse

Try not to be anxious or stressed, pamper yourself. Remember your
cells have ears, stay positive and help your body in you healing.

Love,
Ayse

Kat11

Coping
I think we all have our moments like your having. I also had the lumpectomy with 22 nodes dissection. I also have nerve damage. This is a pain I understand that will never go away so I have learned to cope with it the best I can. Cancer sure does take a lot out of us, but there is a life really. Just be positive, live you life, there will come a day you won't wake up your first thought be Cancer.
Hugs
Kathy ~

crselby

life after treatment
Dear emamei,
I loved my life before cancer. And I was appreciative of all my blessings. I strive to have an attitude of gratitude. So I was really angry when I got the diagnosis. I said I would NEVER say I was glad for cancer. However, I also have a motto of, "I can't wait to see the good that will come from this." Near the end of my treatments I realized that I had an incredible amount of support from relatives, friends, and people whom I thought of as only acquaintences. Support I didn't ask for. That's when I realized what "the good" was. Less than a year later, when I was having 'female' difficulties due to Tamoxifen, I actually asked a relatively new friend for a ride to and from a procedure. She commented that only confident women ask for help. She is such a dear friend now.
As another poster said, we never really go back to 'normal'. As much as our dear, loving, supportive husbands, and others, want us to. When I shared with him that I will fear a recurrance for a long time and will be doing what may be out of character for me. Reading different kinds of things (anti-cancer books), listening to odd TV shows (about cancer), doing different things (eating right, exercising), talking to different people (reaching out to newly diagnosed), etc. When I expressed that, he was suddenly OK with all those changes.
I am bothered by how much I look forward to various doctors' appointments when, before diagnosis, I avoided the medical community if I could. It was my way to not look for trouble. So, just one more of life's bumps to surmount. It's all an adventure.
Good luck.

~~Connie~~

camul

Hi Emamei
With my first diagnosis, I was newly divorced, my mother had just had a 2nd major stroke, I was working full time and was going to college at night. My kids were in high school... and then I got cancer. Like I didn't have enough to deal with. My company merged and the week of my first chemo I was told that to keep my job I would have to move out of state. I didn't have a choice, I had to go. I was scared to death. Now what happens? I left my 15 yr old with his dad, he was on the baseball team, my older one had enough credits and graduated early and went with me. I had to drive back every week, 6 hours each direction, for treatments and to check on my mom in the nursing home.

I was scared to say the least. Nothing in my life was the same. 4 months later I was transferred back, moved my mom closer to one of my sisters. I finished treatment, had 4 recontruction surgeries and I was still here! This took place from Jan - November.

My life took an entirely different course at that point. I did end up going back to school, got interested in human services and ended up graduating with honors and a dual major. It took me a lot longer, but I figured if I could endure cancer and come out on top, then surely I could do the same in school.

My life has never been the same. In some ways it is better, and some ways just different! Today I wonder how I did it. I realized my strengths and weaknesses! We can all do it, we all just do it differently!

Hang in there, it does get better!

disneyfan2008

making perfect sense!
sorry you are going through this...are you using FMLA? (for time off)

I"LL be thinking of you...

Denise