Advice Needed about visiting.

kellyh33

My 17 year old daughter has been dealing with clinical depression since she was nearly 14. She has been seeing a psychologist for and on since then. Her depression comes in waves, she can be good for 6 months and then depressed for 6 months. When she is depressed it is really bad, self injury, not eating etc.
This cycle has been since mid November. Her grades suffer, she can't focus, she doesn't eat and she tends to withdraw from everyone. Wednesday we took her to a mood clinic where the doctor feels she would be best to start anti depressants.
This is where i need your advice. I know she needs meds since this never really seems to go away.
My family feels i should force my daughter to go visit my mom. I get a lot of mumumering in my ear about this. I don't feel forcing her is what is good for her. She cannot handle it. My sisters feel she can go out with a friend or have her boyfriend over so why can't she visit her Grandma. Doing those things are low stress and there are many days where she just sits at home doing homework etc.
What do you think? My Mom is usually in tears or close to tears. Should i make her go or should i let her decide when to go. My sisters feel it builds character and is a life lesson for her. We live on the same street as my parents.
Thanks,
Kelly

anicca

I'm sorry your daughter is
I'm sorry your daughter is having such a struggle with depression. I've been depressed much of my life, so I know how painful it is and how desperately horrible it can make one feel. I suspect that your sisters do not understand depression at all. The impact of depression is that even good experiences cannot be enjoyed, and negatives are all exaggerated (which I'm sure you know.) I don't see how your daughter could benefit from exposure to your mother, when your mom is so unhappy herself. It could even be harmful. If your daughter really wanted to visit, that would be different. Maybe if your mom is having a very good day, and feeling optimistic, that could be an opportunity for a visit, but I still would not force her.

Hissy_Fitz

I have grandchildren the
I have grandchildren the same age as your daughter. I would not want their parents to force them to visit me, and I seriously doubt your mom would, either.

Having said that, I do think you need to talk to your daughter about her grandmother's illness. She may be in denial. The therapist can probably help with this issue.

Depending on how close your daughter is to your mother, she might go into a worse depression if your mom's condition declines before she feels like she is up to visiting her. If they have never been close, then I would definitely let her make the choice by herself.

One of my granddaughters has lived with me most of her life. My diagnosis hit her very, very hard. I was terribly sick for weeks after my surgery, and she was afraid I was going to die. Unfortunately, now that I am in remission, she has decided that "Nana is cured." I have to bring her back to reality sometimes, because I want her to understand that NED is not the same as cured.

Carlene

kayandok

Hi Kelly,
I'm so sorry to her about your daughter. It sounds like she is getting good help for this. I think the best thing to do is to ask her counselor since they would know the exact state of her mind and if seeing grandma would be helpful or not.
kathleen

kikz

kayandok said:

Hi Kelly,
I'm so sorry to her about your daughter. It sounds like she is getting good help for this. I think the best thing to do is to ask her counselor since they would know the exact state of her mind and if seeing grandma would be helpful or not.
kathleen

Bottom line is
that nobody should be forced to do something they don't want to or feel they can't do. Even without the depression your daughter may have found it difficult to see your mom. I have many friends and relatives who either saw me once or did not come to see me the whole eight months I was in treatment. These are adults I am talking about. We all deal with things in our own way. As a child I was very shy and I cannot count the times I was made to kiss, hug or talk to people I didn't really want to. When I tried to refuse I was scolded. I felt bad but I wasn't sure what I was doing wrong. Your daughter will make the decision to see your mom when she is able to. Hopefullly everyone else will give her that chance without making her feel she is doing something wrong.

Karen

Barbara53

know the road
My daughter has been on antidepressants off and on since she was 14. She's 24 now, and thinks she has social anxiety disorder rather than chronic depression, but whatever. When we have moved, the first thing we've done is find a good mental health professional so she will have a team in place. She still takes a mild antidepressant and has a script for valium for panic attacks, with a 6-year record of responsible use.

As she gets older, I also see her getting stronger. While in college she survived a summer in Russia, and last winter she took a temporary job in Finland and did great. I tell you this in hopes of planting seeds of encouragement. There are few things harder on a mother than seeing your child unhappy. My daughter was a cutter. Note past tense!

I would not force your daughter to see your mother just yet. My mother is quite far down this road, and her rage and grief is giving way to longer stretches of peace. She's become visitable by children again.