Mom's a Cynic

Survivor73

Lost submission - it's in cyber space...so, last night I posted this, but when I hit save, my computer totally froze and I didn't know if it posted or not...I copied quickly over into a word doc, so I would not have to retype it...I was tired and couldn't log right back in to CSN, so I gave up and went to bed....

Anyway, here is the post...I am home from surgery and feeling good, a little sore, but not nauseous like last time, so it'a an improvement...Dr said the lymph nodes looked normal - will get results in 2 1/2 weeks...


Ok, so whenever I call my Mom with news or to tell her what's happening I have to listen all about how she must have the same thing...

My son had a mole removed that looked not so good...he's 13, and I was obviously stressed about it. When I called her and told her about it, she didn't even let me finish the statement but went on about the mole on her back that she can't see (she's visually impared) and how it should be taken off...as it must be cancer...

When I called to tell her about my thryoid cancer and again when I told her I likely have a reoccurance, she told me about the thyroid problem she had when she was 19 and how she thought they were going to give her radiation, so she didn't ask the Dr to follow up on it. She's on thyroid pills now for the past few years...never had cancer or any other problem with her thyroid, an old age thing now...she's 82...but that's what we discussed...

Anyway, she almost never lets me tell her what is happening.

When I told her about the breast cancer, she says she doesn't understand since she's never had it...I guess it's only important if she has it, then it's a real issue...

So, she's not someone I can call and get any comfort from...as soon as you mention somethings wrong, she compares it to her stories and goes on and on with the same stories that I've heard so many times. I know I will expect the same stories...but I just want to get some comfort...it's frustrating when over and over again I get disappointed.

Ok, I've vented enough...anyone know how to deal with this? I don't want to not call her but some days I just can't deal with her...I needed someone to be home to see my kids off to school as tomorrow I go for surgery...but I couldn't ask her cause then I'd have to put up with her here the next day...taking care of me...she would drive me up the wall...we did it for my last surgery and I can't do that again.

Luckily my fil will watch them for us. So hubby can go with me...

Well..ttyl thanks for listening... Off for surgery tomorrow to biopsy my lymph nodes to see if it's there...hopefully clear...

Hugs to all

CR1954

Well..........
Well, first of all, will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, regarding your surgery tomorrow. Please post and let us know when you find out about the lymph nodes.

Secondly, I have an older sister who sounds much like your Mother. God bless her, but I could sometimes throttle her.

If anyone has any illness, she is sure that she has it too. Told me that she went to her doc after my bc was dx'd and had a check-up & then came & told me that her doc is worried about her & that she will "get bc", so wants her to come in frequently to be checked. I doubt it..I am the ONLY one in the family to ever have bc.

Anyway, she sees some type of doctor at least once a week, sometimes more. Her pain is worse than anyone's and her blood pressure is higher than anyone's. She sometimes seems disappointed that she is not ill.

I have told her on more than one occasion, that she is the healthiest dying person I've ever known..lol!

Having said all that and acknowledging that she makes me crazy oftentimes, I also love her very much and I know that she would do anything for me, anything to help me.

I'm not sure what causes a person to behave like that, but I do know what you are talking about. This is the part where "patience is a virtue" comes in, I guess. LOL!

Hugs,
CR

cindycflynn

Big Hugs!
I'm sorry to hear that your mom is not as supportive as you wish she could be, but it looks like you have good support from your hubby and have learned that at times you need to be good to yourself, even if that means keeping a little more distance from your mom, so that you can get the rest and healing you need.

You know that if you need to vent, you can always come here. If you prefer to vent on the phone, send me a PM and we can exchange information so that you can call me and vent away!

Many of us have found that those that have not been through this have a difficult time understanding and being able to just listen when we need them to.

Sending healing thoughts and hugs,
Cindy

natly15

I know a few people who
I know a few people who respond exactly as your mother. I say go where you can get the compassion and support you need. Your mom obviously cannot provide it so try not to discuss it with her unless you want to continue hearing about all HER ailments. This is something to think about, "you don't go to a hardware store to buy a loaf bread". Some people simply do not have or are not able to give us what we need. Sounds like your mom needs attention and compassion but this may not be the time you can offer it to her. You are in a battle of sorts and you need to take care of you right now, and no one else if possible. Call her but try not to discuss her health or your health. There is a great deal of support on these boards and truly this is where I found my compassion and understanding. Other than my husband, family members simply did not understand.

CypressCynthia

my 2 cents
I agree with Natly--don't go to your mom for support. There are also some relatives in my life exactly like her and I limit my time with them--life is short. Also, I remind myself over and over that I can't control them--I can only control me and my response to them. I know she is your mom and I am not saying to be disrespectful, but you may have to really limit what you can share with her and the time you spend with herbecause she is stressing you out--we really need to avoid that!

fauxma

CypressCynthia said:

my 2 cents
I agree with Natly--don't go to your mom for support. There are also some relatives in my life exactly like her and I limit my time with them--life is short. Also, I remind myself over and over that I can't control them--I can only control me and my response to them. I know she is your mom and I am not saying to be disrespectful, but you may have to really limit what you can share with her and the time you spend with herbecause she is stressing you out--we really need to avoid that!

It must be difficult to deal
It must be difficult to deal with this. You want to keep her informed and would love support but it all shifts around to her. I have a suggestion. Why not have your hubby call and let her know that you are home and the surgery went well and you are awaiting results and he will call when you have them. If she starts to reverse it to her or complains that you didn't call yourself he can honestly say that you need your rest and strength right now without being offensive. She is just not going to be who you need right now and right now it is about you. If you do get in a dialog right now just tell her as sweetly as you can that you need all your strength to deal with what you are going through and when you are stronger you will be able to focus on her. This way you can be sure she knows what is going on but you aren't being sucked into her dramas. We are here for you to vent, celebrate, advise, just whatever you need. Prayers and good thoughts coming your way.
Stef

Survivor73

fauxma said:

It must be difficult to deal
It must be difficult to deal with this. You want to keep her informed and would love support but it all shifts around to her. I have a suggestion. Why not have your hubby call and let her know that you are home and the surgery went well and you are awaiting results and he will call when you have them. If she starts to reverse it to her or complains that you didn't call yourself he can honestly say that you need your rest and strength right now without being offensive. She is just not going to be who you need right now and right now it is about you. If you do get in a dialog right now just tell her as sweetly as you can that you need all your strength to deal with what you are going through and when you are stronger you will be able to focus on her. This way you can be sure she knows what is going on but you aren't being sucked into her dramas. We are here for you to vent, celebrate, advise, just whatever you need. Prayers and good thoughts coming your way.
Stef

Thanks for justifying the way I feel
It's aweful to feel like I can't deal with my Mom - she's my Mom!!

I'm the youngest of 8 kids and I have always called my sisters to let them know what's happening. One of my sis had both thyroid cancer and bc, so she know exactly what I am going through...unfortunately she just lost her husband last year to lung cancer, and I think she feels that her cancers were nothing in comparison...so she sometimes tells me you'll be fine...I got through it, etc and I am fine now...and that doesn't always help as I feel what I am dealing with is made small or little...

My other sisters are really supportive...when I got my diagnoses, one sister had me come to her house and have a hot tub & then 2 other sis's came over and we played cards (it what my family does when we get together). It was a great time...we talked about normal stuff, not about me and that made it really relaxing and fun which I really needed.

Of course, if my Mom knew, she would have been put out that we didn't invite her...lol. She has never been in a hot tub as far as I know and can't see the cards to play, but she would have still been put out...lol.

Anyway, I do have other support, but my Mom does have a medical issue right now that is a big deal. She has immacular degeneration...so she only has perifial vision. She's legally blind, uses a machine to read one word at a time and can't crochet anymore. Her life is not what she wants and I'm sure she suffers from depression but won't admit it, nor get help cause as she says...how would I get there??
Anyway, she has a chance to get surgery but it will cost 18 thousand dollars and its not covered by her health plan...it's new and there is no guarantee that it would help. It might allow her to read a paper or watch tv, but not for sure...so now she has to make a decision.

My Mom is the worst at making decisions...she must talk about it for weeks in order to make it and that's all I heard about yesterday...I was actually surprised that when we hung up she remembered my surgery today and wished me good luck...she usually doesn't remember that kind of stuff.

Anyway, I'm not able to sleep...maybe I slept too much today...lol
I'm not in any pain, (thanks to tylenol 3) and didn't get nausious like my last surgery, so overall everything about today went fine. I'm hoping I won't need the drugs for long as I hate having to rely on them.

I think you are all correct in having to distance myself from my Mom. Problem is my personality is to always help everyone else and I'm finding it really hard to stop that and put me first...but I am definately working on it...:)

I think my Mom would fall over and get someone to drive her up here if I had my Hubby call her...LOL It's just so not him or me...but it may be something I do just the same...great idea!

Thanks again for your support, hugs to all...

Double Whammy

Survivor73 said:

Thanks for justifying the way I feel
It's aweful to feel like I can't deal with my Mom - she's my Mom!!

I'm the youngest of 8 kids and I have always called my sisters to let them know what's happening. One of my sis had both thyroid cancer and bc, so she know exactly what I am going through...unfortunately she just lost her husband last year to lung cancer, and I think she feels that her cancers were nothing in comparison...so she sometimes tells me you'll be fine...I got through it, etc and I am fine now...and that doesn't always help as I feel what I am dealing with is made small or little...

My other sisters are really supportive...when I got my diagnoses, one sister had me come to her house and have a hot tub & then 2 other sis's came over and we played cards (it what my family does when we get together). It was a great time...we talked about normal stuff, not about me and that made it really relaxing and fun which I really needed.

Of course, if my Mom knew, she would have been put out that we didn't invite her...lol. She has never been in a hot tub as far as I know and can't see the cards to play, but she would have still been put out...lol.

Anyway, I do have other support, but my Mom does have a medical issue right now that is a big deal. She has immacular degeneration...so she only has perifial vision. She's legally blind, uses a machine to read one word at a time and can't crochet anymore. Her life is not what she wants and I'm sure she suffers from depression but won't admit it, nor get help cause as she says...how would I get there??
Anyway, she has a chance to get surgery but it will cost 18 thousand dollars and its not covered by her health plan...it's new and there is no guarantee that it would help. It might allow her to read a paper or watch tv, but not for sure...so now she has to make a decision.

My Mom is the worst at making decisions...she must talk about it for weeks in order to make it and that's all I heard about yesterday...I was actually surprised that when we hung up she remembered my surgery today and wished me good luck...she usually doesn't remember that kind of stuff.

Anyway, I'm not able to sleep...maybe I slept too much today...lol
I'm not in any pain, (thanks to tylenol 3) and didn't get nausious like my last surgery, so overall everything about today went fine. I'm hoping I won't need the drugs for long as I hate having to rely on them.

I think you are all correct in having to distance myself from my Mom. Problem is my personality is to always help everyone else and I'm finding it really hard to stop that and put me first...but I am definately working on it...:)

I think my Mom would fall over and get someone to drive her up here if I had my Hubby call her...LOL It's just so not him or me...but it may be something I do just the same...great idea!

Thanks again for your support, hugs to all...

She's not going to change
at age 82.
You really can't depend on her to be the mom you need, and that's got to be hard to swallow. It does sound like you have support from other people, and she needs more support than she can give at this time in her life. I'm sure she worries about you and still cares about what you're going through. I hope you can accept that and love her for what she is and what she can give and rely on the rest of your circle of friends and family for your personal support. (Easy for me to say). We're here and understand your fears.

So happy the surgery went well today. Whew.

Best,
Suzanne

PinkPearl

Survivor73 said:

Thanks for justifying the way I feel
It's aweful to feel like I can't deal with my Mom - she's my Mom!!

I'm the youngest of 8 kids and I have always called my sisters to let them know what's happening. One of my sis had both thyroid cancer and bc, so she know exactly what I am going through...unfortunately she just lost her husband last year to lung cancer, and I think she feels that her cancers were nothing in comparison...so she sometimes tells me you'll be fine...I got through it, etc and I am fine now...and that doesn't always help as I feel what I am dealing with is made small or little...

My other sisters are really supportive...when I got my diagnoses, one sister had me come to her house and have a hot tub & then 2 other sis's came over and we played cards (it what my family does when we get together). It was a great time...we talked about normal stuff, not about me and that made it really relaxing and fun which I really needed.

Of course, if my Mom knew, she would have been put out that we didn't invite her...lol. She has never been in a hot tub as far as I know and can't see the cards to play, but she would have still been put out...lol.

Anyway, I do have other support, but my Mom does have a medical issue right now that is a big deal. She has immacular degeneration...so she only has perifial vision. She's legally blind, uses a machine to read one word at a time and can't crochet anymore. Her life is not what she wants and I'm sure she suffers from depression but won't admit it, nor get help cause as she says...how would I get there??
Anyway, she has a chance to get surgery but it will cost 18 thousand dollars and its not covered by her health plan...it's new and there is no guarantee that it would help. It might allow her to read a paper or watch tv, but not for sure...so now she has to make a decision.

My Mom is the worst at making decisions...she must talk about it for weeks in order to make it and that's all I heard about yesterday...I was actually surprised that when we hung up she remembered my surgery today and wished me good luck...she usually doesn't remember that kind of stuff.

Anyway, I'm not able to sleep...maybe I slept too much today...lol
I'm not in any pain, (thanks to tylenol 3) and didn't get nausious like my last surgery, so overall everything about today went fine. I'm hoping I won't need the drugs for long as I hate having to rely on them.

I think you are all correct in having to distance myself from my Mom. Problem is my personality is to always help everyone else and I'm finding it really hard to stop that and put me first...but I am definately working on it...:)

I think my Mom would fall over and get someone to drive her up here if I had my Hubby call her...LOL It's just so not him or me...but it may be something I do just the same...great idea!

Thanks again for your support, hugs to all...

My mom is 86
and she is supportive to an extent but she lost my dad after 60 years of marriage 5 years ago and my sister and I are the only ones that really listen to her "Health complaints". It does wear us out at times hearing about them and trying to find someone to fix them. I live 1200 miles away but I still fly up there and help as much as I can. It sounds as though she really loves you but I think elders have their own little world around them as they get older-just more into themselves! Sounds like you are trying to keep smiling. Good for you!

disneyfan2008

sorry...hard when that happens
My mom died shortly before I found out about BC-she was such a worrier one of my first thoughts thank goodness she is not around.

Feel free to vent here...keep us updated...!

Findingout

Hi Survivor,I agreed with
Hi Survivor,

I agreed with the above that at your mom's age, not a lot's going to change. My mom's 85 almost and certain things she can do, others she can't. To this day I still find myself calling and expecting the impossible... why? Maybe it's just part of being a kid; we always yearn for that maternal love and validation.

Then when we don't get it - OUCH. It really stings. And I'm 56 years old. I found a way to get over the sting, I say certain prayers, having faith is what helps me because I never found any ansers using "reason," the hurt was still there no matter how much I knew about my mom's limitations and capacities. It is what it is, I couldn't change it, it still hurts, so something more spiritual is what has helped.
Having cancer will bring out the most painful of these relational issues; it's our most intense time of need.

So as our sisters say, seek help where you know you will get it. Prepare yourself BEFORE you talk to your mom (just tell yourself it's going to be disappointing beforehand, then it can't get worse, only better!!)
Thinking of you.. Oh yeah, I also agree, that older people do seem to live in a smaller world; they have few years left and maybe turn inward as a source of their own self comfort.
Hugs,

Lin