I can't stand being fat

mschwibi

I've piled on 30+ pounds since diagnosis/treatment 3 years ago and it keeps coming. I haven't seem to been able to stick with any exercise: just a week or two and that's it. My eating isn't so bad, so I know I need exercise.

I have developed terrible self-image and am totally disgusted with myself. I can't stand the look of myself and can't bring myself to have sex with my husband. (btw, he doesn't say anything about my weight, it all me). I vacillate between trying to dress my large body fashionably and thinking that that's just a way of giving in.

How do I get out of this funk?
Has anyone else experienced this?

Help!

disneyfan2008

I have always been very thin
(recently my gyno said you put on some weight! i said YES I KNOW..he said oh you look so much better/ healthier) I have always been thin...but not junk food eater etc..but I DID put on 25 lbs.-combination of steriods for ulcertive colitis (which was terrible while going through radiation) I lost 10 lbs over about 2 1/2 yrs...

So KNOW exactly how you are feeling...I look at me and just not me...(I know I am not over weight but just NOT ME how I was used to and comfortable)

I know think to myself...I am healthy (colitis in remission since on taxmoxifen and feel great) and if added pounds to deal with ....I"LL have to !

I"ll be thinking of you..
so my self image of course weight and lopsided boobs! but cancer free to more then happy!

Denise W.

jphilpo

weight
I so can feel your pain!! After all the treatments, I have gained about 30 pounds!! I don't know what to think!! I am anemic also, which is hard because all I want to do is rest after work.. I force myself to take a walk and try to do some weights, but it's so hard. I cried all the way to work today. I don't recognize myself or know what to do.

Jean

disneyfan2008

jphilpo said:

weight
I so can feel your pain!! After all the treatments, I have gained about 30 pounds!! I don't know what to think!! I am anemic also, which is hard because all I want to do is rest after work.. I force myself to take a walk and try to do some weights, but it's so hard. I cried all the way to work today. I don't recognize myself or know what to do.

Jean

@jean
Don't recognize yourself...I so get that...

I just try to look at all the good points of things when I can...and for me..my extra weight is ok cuz my colitis and cancer are both in remission...so weight is just (not over weight unhealthy) image and must get past it...but still not used to it when lookin in mirror..but I FEEL great..

jphilpo

disneyfan2008 said:

@jean
Don't recognize yourself...I so get that...

I just try to look at all the good points of things when I can...and for me..my extra weight is ok cuz my colitis and cancer are both in remission...so weight is just (not over weight unhealthy) image and must get past it...but still not used to it when lookin in mirror..but I FEEL great..

Thanks
I know if I could just feel better, it would be be so much better! I have bone and joint pain and anemia, which causes so much fatigue. I know I have so much to be grateful for and I keep trying to re-direct my thoughts. Sometimes, I just feel bad!!!

disneyfan2008

jphilpo said:

Thanks
I know if I could just feel better, it would be be so much better! I have bone and joint pain and anemia, which causes so much fatigue. I know I have so much to be grateful for and I keep trying to re-direct my thoughts. Sometimes, I just feel bad!!!

sorry about fatigue
I have never had..(I DONT" THINK) so I have never dealt with it...when I 'd go for treatments they would say how is fatigue , do you have fatigue..I would say I DON" THINK so what is it?

I was told if I HAD IT would KNOW!


I HOPE You feel better....

VickiSam

jphilpo said:

Thanks
I know if I could just feel better, it would be be so much better! I have bone and joint pain and anemia, which causes so much fatigue. I know I have so much to be grateful for and I keep trying to re-direct my thoughts. Sometimes, I just feel bad!!!

Weight gain does more than ruin our self image
self esteem and self value. Having fought my weight for more than a decade, or longer than I care to remember, I empathize with you, and your current predicament. Do you think that may besides the weight gain, you may be facing a little depression?

Please really take a few days to search your soul, and reach out to your health care provider -- go in and speak with them. Then try try try .. to walk several houses each day, or if the weather does not cooperate with you .. slap in an exercise, yoga dvr, video ..and just move for 15 to 25 minutes, twice a day. I am not CRAZY, I've been where you stand today .. and moving along with Effexor has made a difference in my life, and how I am viewing my future.

I've been there .. and you MUST move. Use your kitchen chair .. hold on and start swing, moving, lifting your leg's and opposite arm. I hate exercise, always will .. but I know in my heart and soul .. it is a necessity for my well being, and a long life.

Fact: hip replacements can be reduced by 69% if people would get up, and walk for 20 minutes .. 3 times a week! Just 3 times a week, how scary, is this statistic?

Keep us posted, dear Sister in PINK.

Strength and Courage,

Vicki Sam

disneyfan2008

VickiSam said:

Weight gain does more than ruin our self image
self esteem and self value. Having fought my weight for more than a decade, or longer than I care to remember, I empathize with you, and your current predicament. Do you think that may besides the weight gain, you may be facing a little depression?

Please really take a few days to search your soul, and reach out to your health care provider -- go in and speak with them. Then try try try .. to walk several houses each day, or if the weather does not cooperate with you .. slap in an exercise, yoga dvr, video ..and just move for 15 to 25 minutes, twice a day. I am not CRAZY, I've been where you stand today .. and moving along with Effexor has made a difference in my life, and how I am viewing my future.

I've been there .. and you MUST move. Use your kitchen chair .. hold on and start swing, moving, lifting your leg's and opposite arm. I hate exercise, always will .. but I know in my heart and soul .. it is a necessity for my well being, and a long life.

Fact: hip replacements can be reduced by 69% if people would get up, and walk for 20 minutes .. 3 times a week! Just 3 times a week, how scary, is this statistic?

Keep us posted, dear Sister in PINK.

Strength and Courage,

Vicki Sam

always watched what I ate..
I say to my hubby IF I was eating bad, unhealthy it is one thing..but just packed on from med...grrrrr

but this too shall pass...

I am 51 and honestly had been same weight as high school-so between steriods, menopause, age it was just a matter of time...

joannstar

I too hate the extra weight
After having lost 66 pounds (with more to go), I got married on 2/14/10. Between the celebrating and the cancer dx on 7/16/10, I gained about 46 back. Then during chemo I gained another 10+. My onc kept telling me not to diet, just eat what felt good (not good instructions for a compulsive overeater!!). Now I've started rads (had my first real treatment today) and they won't let me loose weight either. I'm going crazy--just too fat--and walking hurts my knees so I haven't been doing a lot of that.
What makes matters seem worse is that everyone I see tells me how good I look (sure gain almost 60 pounds and I still look good??). I guess people expected chemo to make me emaciated or something--NOT!
It is terribly demoralizing and while my wonderful husband doesn't care--I do! I also don't feel sexy or desirable--poor hubby.
I've had to buy new clothes (had tossed all the ones that would have fit), and must try to look good because hubby is president of our temple and I must participate as the "first lady" at various functions.
I'm looking at 4/1/11 when I should be finished with rads (if everything goes according to plan which it never seems to) to start dieting by cutting back on carbs and red meat. This is difficult cause my husband is a big meat eater, but I'll just need to cook separate foods for him I guess.
I figure once I drop about 20 pounds, exercising will get easier...
I'm just pissed off that not only do I have to battle cancer, I also have to battle weight (my life-long struggle)...sigh...
JoAnn

jphilpo

VickiSam said:

Weight gain does more than ruin our self image
self esteem and self value. Having fought my weight for more than a decade, or longer than I care to remember, I empathize with you, and your current predicament. Do you think that may besides the weight gain, you may be facing a little depression?

Please really take a few days to search your soul, and reach out to your health care provider -- go in and speak with them. Then try try try .. to walk several houses each day, or if the weather does not cooperate with you .. slap in an exercise, yoga dvr, video ..and just move for 15 to 25 minutes, twice a day. I am not CRAZY, I've been where you stand today .. and moving along with Effexor has made a difference in my life, and how I am viewing my future.

I've been there .. and you MUST move. Use your kitchen chair .. hold on and start swing, moving, lifting your leg's and opposite arm. I hate exercise, always will .. but I know in my heart and soul .. it is a necessity for my well being, and a long life.

Fact: hip replacements can be reduced by 69% if people would get up, and walk for 20 minutes .. 3 times a week! Just 3 times a week, how scary, is this statistic?

Keep us posted, dear Sister in PINK.

Strength and Courage,

Vicki Sam

weight
Thankk you, Vicki Sam,

You were were so kind! Just what I needed! I agree that I have and have had depression. I walk at least 20 minutes a day 5-6 times a week. I know it's the bone & joint pain. I take 1/2 a pain pill each night so I can sleep.

It so helps to know that others "feel your pain".

Jean

disneyfan2008

joannstar said:

I too hate the extra weight
After having lost 66 pounds (with more to go), I got married on 2/14/10. Between the celebrating and the cancer dx on 7/16/10, I gained about 46 back. Then during chemo I gained another 10+. My onc kept telling me not to diet, just eat what felt good (not good instructions for a compulsive overeater!!). Now I've started rads (had my first real treatment today) and they won't let me loose weight either. I'm going crazy--just too fat--and walking hurts my knees so I haven't been doing a lot of that.
What makes matters seem worse is that everyone I see tells me how good I look (sure gain almost 60 pounds and I still look good??). I guess people expected chemo to make me emaciated or something--NOT!
It is terribly demoralizing and while my wonderful husband doesn't care--I do! I also don't feel sexy or desirable--poor hubby.
I've had to buy new clothes (had tossed all the ones that would have fit), and must try to look good because hubby is president of our temple and I must participate as the "first lady" at various functions.
I'm looking at 4/1/11 when I should be finished with rads (if everything goes according to plan which it never seems to) to start dieting by cutting back on carbs and red meat. This is difficult cause my husband is a big meat eater, but I'll just need to cook separate foods for him I guess.
I figure once I drop about 20 pounds, exercising will get easier...
I'm just pissed off that not only do I have to battle cancer, I also have to battle weight (my life-long struggle)...sigh...
JoAnn

@Joann
So sorry you going through this...I wish you the best and hope you feel well soon!

mschwibi

VickiSam said:

Weight gain does more than ruin our self image
self esteem and self value. Having fought my weight for more than a decade, or longer than I care to remember, I empathize with you, and your current predicament. Do you think that may besides the weight gain, you may be facing a little depression?

Please really take a few days to search your soul, and reach out to your health care provider -- go in and speak with them. Then try try try .. to walk several houses each day, or if the weather does not cooperate with you .. slap in an exercise, yoga dvr, video ..and just move for 15 to 25 minutes, twice a day. I am not CRAZY, I've been where you stand today .. and moving along with Effexor has made a difference in my life, and how I am viewing my future.

I've been there .. and you MUST move. Use your kitchen chair .. hold on and start swing, moving, lifting your leg's and opposite arm. I hate exercise, always will .. but I know in my heart and soul .. it is a necessity for my well being, and a long life.

Fact: hip replacements can be reduced by 69% if people would get up, and walk for 20 minutes .. 3 times a week! Just 3 times a week, how scary, is this statistic?

Keep us posted, dear Sister in PINK.

Strength and Courage,

Vicki Sam

thanks VickiSam
I'm with you. Before Cancer I battled my weight constantly. And now, it feels like a loosing battle. I asked my husband if he thought I was depressed, but he didn't seem to think so. But I do -- I just can't seem to get motivated.

I will try the Get Moving bit. I liked your suggestion to use the kitchen chair -- just getting going.

Thanks.
Michelle

mschwibi

joannstar said:

I too hate the extra weight
After having lost 66 pounds (with more to go), I got married on 2/14/10. Between the celebrating and the cancer dx on 7/16/10, I gained about 46 back. Then during chemo I gained another 10+. My onc kept telling me not to diet, just eat what felt good (not good instructions for a compulsive overeater!!). Now I've started rads (had my first real treatment today) and they won't let me loose weight either. I'm going crazy--just too fat--and walking hurts my knees so I haven't been doing a lot of that.
What makes matters seem worse is that everyone I see tells me how good I look (sure gain almost 60 pounds and I still look good??). I guess people expected chemo to make me emaciated or something--NOT!
It is terribly demoralizing and while my wonderful husband doesn't care--I do! I also don't feel sexy or desirable--poor hubby.
I've had to buy new clothes (had tossed all the ones that would have fit), and must try to look good because hubby is president of our temple and I must participate as the "first lady" at various functions.
I'm looking at 4/1/11 when I should be finished with rads (if everything goes according to plan which it never seems to) to start dieting by cutting back on carbs and red meat. This is difficult cause my husband is a big meat eater, but I'll just need to cook separate foods for him I guess.
I figure once I drop about 20 pounds, exercising will get easier...
I'm just pissed off that not only do I have to battle cancer, I also have to battle weight (my life-long struggle)...sigh...
JoAnn

I understand your pissed off
I understand your pissed off feeling. I actually wished to be one of those people who'd loose tons of weight in treatment, but no, not me. Only a couple of pounds -- not enough to notice. I DO think that when people say "you look great" they mean that you haven't died. Really, how can we look great? All right, maybe, or Not-bad, but Great? I, too, have gone up and up in clothing sizes and donated many of my clothes but I just can get myself to get rid of all of them because that seems too permanent.

mschwibi

disneyfan2008 said:

I have always been very thin
(recently my gyno said you put on some weight! i said YES I KNOW..he said oh you look so much better/ healthier) I have always been thin...but not junk food eater etc..but I DID put on 25 lbs.-combination of steriods for ulcertive colitis (which was terrible while going through radiation) I lost 10 lbs over about 2 1/2 yrs...

So KNOW exactly how you are feeling...I look at me and just not me...(I know I am not over weight but just NOT ME how I was used to and comfortable)

I know think to myself...I am healthy (colitis in remission since on taxmoxifen and feel great) and if added pounds to deal with ....I"LL have to !

I"ll be thinking of you..
so my self image of course weight and lopsided boobs! but cancer free to more then happy!

Denise W.

That's exactly how I feel:
That's exactly how I feel: That's not ME in the mirror. There are many people larger than me who would love to be my weight, but it doesn't make me feel any better. I feel one way, but then see my double chin or padded waist and wonder who that is in the mirror.

Some days I can say at least I'm healthy, and that's usually when I do the dressing fashionably thing, but other days I just can accept it.

Thanks!
Michelle

mrs gadget

mschwibi said:

I understand your pissed off
I understand your pissed off feeling. I actually wished to be one of those people who'd loose tons of weight in treatment, but no, not me. Only a couple of pounds -- not enough to notice. I DO think that when people say "you look great" they mean that you haven't died. Really, how can we look great? All right, maybe, or Not-bad, but Great? I, too, have gone up and up in clothing sizes and donated many of my clothes but I just can get myself to get rid of all of them because that seems too permanent.

I understand and am also dealing with this
I am in the middle of rads right now and have put on about 20lbs during treatment. I talked to my onc about this and he said move!! Even if it's just walking your dog a little bit every day. I have been riding my exercise bike about 30 min per day, walking my dog and have concentrated on better food choices. All of these things combined are starting to help me and I am losing about 1lb per week. I think the key to this thing is to find a new normal and stick with it...

Hope that helps...

Mrs Gadget

Rague

Find the exercise you LIKE!
My first thought is that you haven't found the right exercises yet for you - something that drives you and gives you peace and joy. Exercise does not have to be going to a class and the DI telling you what to do - there are so many options. There is no way that I will go and be treated (again) like someone in boot camp or high school PE. I won't use treadmills or jog but like using the bikes - just started using the recumbant (think that's the right word) and love it. Once spring finally gets here (and I get my bike ready), I'll be doing the 15 mile paved bike trail through town a couple of days a week (as out of shape as I am it'll be weeks before I do the entire route at a time) but I love doing it. If you are into doing the classes there is a good chance that your local YMCA/YWCA has free classes for cancer survivors. There is swimming, golf, bowling, tennis - so many things that most city parks departments have for all level people. They are all exercise. Try contacting your Equine Therapy group if you think you might like to ride.

Doing what you're 'told' to do is not always going to work - find what you like to do - there is something that you will like. Remember even working in you garden/yard is exercise.

I'm very fortunatel that I have a great gym to woek out in that cost me nothing to use, i already know that once winter leaves, I'll be bikeing, I/We have horses so once I get back in better shape (and the weather allows), I'll be working them 6 out of 7 days - thus also working myself.

Find what you like to do - not what someone else says you should do.

(I didn't gain weight - I lost 45 lbs. [Drs weren't happy.] Hubby [of 35 yrs] would have been much happier if I had gained some than lost. He called me several times a day to find out what I had eaten and remind me to eat during chemo and rads. I still have to tell him what I've eaten daily. He does have a reason that 'bugs' him - the first 4 years we were married he learned what anorexia does to the person and family - Mom was anorexic.)

Susan

mariam_11_09

joannstar said:

I too hate the extra weight
After having lost 66 pounds (with more to go), I got married on 2/14/10. Between the celebrating and the cancer dx on 7/16/10, I gained about 46 back. Then during chemo I gained another 10+. My onc kept telling me not to diet, just eat what felt good (not good instructions for a compulsive overeater!!). Now I've started rads (had my first real treatment today) and they won't let me loose weight either. I'm going crazy--just too fat--and walking hurts my knees so I haven't been doing a lot of that.
What makes matters seem worse is that everyone I see tells me how good I look (sure gain almost 60 pounds and I still look good??). I guess people expected chemo to make me emaciated or something--NOT!
It is terribly demoralizing and while my wonderful husband doesn't care--I do! I also don't feel sexy or desirable--poor hubby.
I've had to buy new clothes (had tossed all the ones that would have fit), and must try to look good because hubby is president of our temple and I must participate as the "first lady" at various functions.
I'm looking at 4/1/11 when I should be finished with rads (if everything goes according to plan which it never seems to) to start dieting by cutting back on carbs and red meat. This is difficult cause my husband is a big meat eater, but I'll just need to cook separate foods for him I guess.
I figure once I drop about 20 pounds, exercising will get easier...
I'm just pissed off that not only do I have to battle cancer, I also have to battle weight (my life-long struggle)...sigh...
JoAnn

Sorry about the weight

Sorry about the weight problems. I also gained quite a bit of weight during chemo and had the same thing, people telling me how good I looked. However once chemo was over and I was still gaining weight I told my onc. that I was going to count calories because I just could not keep going up and up and did this during radiation. I think the doctors are concerned that you caloric intake might go too low and then put you at risk of infection. I used 'mydailyplate.com' to track calories so I didn't have to give up that piece of chocolate or small desert in the evenings. Also you can specify how many pounds a week you want to loose and it will tell you how many calories you need. My Onc. told me not to go below 1500 calories a day. I did exercise everyday however have recently started swimming which helps my joints (inflammation due to chemo) and that burns even more calories than walking around the block. So far in 5 months I have lost 27 lbs.

Some women have been doing weight watchers and have had great results from that.

I am not sure if either of these things are an option for you but just wanted to share anyway.

Double Whammy

Rague said:

Find the exercise you LIKE!
My first thought is that you haven't found the right exercises yet for you - something that drives you and gives you peace and joy. Exercise does not have to be going to a class and the DI telling you what to do - there are so many options. There is no way that I will go and be treated (again) like someone in boot camp or high school PE. I won't use treadmills or jog but like using the bikes - just started using the recumbant (think that's the right word) and love it. Once spring finally gets here (and I get my bike ready), I'll be doing the 15 mile paved bike trail through town a couple of days a week (as out of shape as I am it'll be weeks before I do the entire route at a time) but I love doing it. If you are into doing the classes there is a good chance that your local YMCA/YWCA has free classes for cancer survivors. There is swimming, golf, bowling, tennis - so many things that most city parks departments have for all level people. They are all exercise. Try contacting your Equine Therapy group if you think you might like to ride.

Doing what you're 'told' to do is not always going to work - find what you like to do - there is something that you will like. Remember even working in you garden/yard is exercise.

I'm very fortunatel that I have a great gym to woek out in that cost me nothing to use, i already know that once winter leaves, I'll be bikeing, I/We have horses so once I get back in better shape (and the weather allows), I'll be working them 6 out of 7 days - thus also working myself.

Find what you like to do - not what someone else says you should do.

(I didn't gain weight - I lost 45 lbs. [Drs weren't happy.] Hubby [of 35 yrs] would have been much happier if I had gained some than lost. He called me several times a day to find out what I had eaten and remind me to eat during chemo and rads. I still have to tell him what I've eaten daily. He does have a reason that 'bugs' him - the first 4 years we were married he learned what anorexia does to the person and family - Mom was anorexic.)

Susan

Menopause was not kind to me
and piled about 45 extra pounds on me. I also contributed to it by overeating and not exercising and accepting that these things happen with menopause and I deserved that burger and fries. I'm 63.

Then I was hit with the double whammy of both breast cancer and endometrial cancer. The risk factors I had for developing both were being overweight, late menopause, and hypertension. I had a serious talk with myself and since my diagnosis I've lost around 25 lbs. Before my breast surgery I walked every day and ate healthy. Shed about 5 lbs. B4 that surgery. Since I had around 6 weeks between my breast surgery before I could have a hysterectomy, I walked every day and ate healthy then, too. I lost 8 more lbs. before my hysterectomy. Proved to me that I had a lot to do with my weight gain - I couldn't blame it all on menopause. I did not "diet". I lost about 12 lbs. during chemo and have kept it off. I want to lose the remaining 20 lbs and am walking and trying to keep my calories around 1500 per day - and eating primarily a low fat, plant-based diet. I haven't lost any more weight, but haven't gained any either. I find my stamina isn't quite back to normal yet after chemo but it will get there.

I learned that for me, my weight is definitely related to how much (and what) I eat and how much I move. It doesn't come off as quickly as it used to, that's for sure, but I'm not as active as I was 20 years ago, either.

I have to remind myself that it's important for cancer survivors to eat healthy and exercise; it's also important for my overall health and should I ever have to fight these ugly deamons again, I want to be as healthy as possible. That doesn't mean I won't have that cheeseburger and fries on occasion, but I just cooked a black bean burger for lunch (no fries or chips) instead and I'm perfectly happy. (and last night I went out for Mexican food!)

Choices . . .

Suzanne

jo jo

Im so glad im not the only
Im so glad im not the only one dealing with this...i have gained so much weight since chemo and still gaining...im like that pilsbury dough boy...just roll me in flour and call me done!!!
I to have always been thin and now im a house. It use to be if i was outside on a windy day i would get blown away if i didnt hang on to something but now if im outside and the wind blows i can fly using my layers of flab for wings.

woodsygal

jo jo said:

Im so glad im not the only
Im so glad im not the only one dealing with this...i have gained so much weight since chemo and still gaining...im like that pilsbury dough boy...just roll me in flour and call me done!!!
I to have always been thin and now im a house. It use to be if i was outside on a windy day i would get blown away if i didnt hang on to something but now if im outside and the wind blows i can fly using my layers of flab for wings.

I hear you!!
I too have gained weight, around 40 pounds in two years. My oncologist also told me to eat as much as I am able. I didn't get sick with chemo, so weight stayed. Lot's of steroids, which causes tissue to hold more moisture. I do not like it either, but, have learned to accept it as a "temporary" situation and will lose it. I also have another chronic illness to treat and prednisone is on and off as a med choice. I have been able to lessen it down to 5 mgs a day. I do walk and use a treadmill. I am hoping that with Springtime weather,(no ice), I will be able to walk like I did last year. I took a major fall today, walking my dogs, even tho I am banged up, I keep on going. Please do not beat yourself up over this, your body and "head" need time to heal and process what you have truly been through. Hope this helps!! Carlie

CypressCynthia

My advice--hope this helps
I had gained some extra pounds back in 2000. I lost weight first by cutting portion size and eating many less calories. I did not exercise at all at first, because I was feeling a little down and self-conscious (stupid, I know). After I lost weight, my energy picked way up and I began to move more and lost a little more and toned up.

So my advice is always to eat less first. Although it helps, you do not have to exercise to lose weight.

Start small--just begin to cut portion size first and substitute healthy foods for unhealthy ones. Keep a food journal.

We avoid fast food like the plague. Fast food=densely caloric food that rarely satisfies for long. And when we do eat out, we split food. Portion sizes are so grossly distorted these days that one "meal" is the equivalent to about 3 healthy meals.

Do not diet--it will make you crazy. Just begin to cut back a little at a time. Food can definitely be an addiction, but, of course, we can't "give it up" like alcohol or tobacco. So try and wean yourself a little at a time. As you gain confidence, it will become easier.

And your ultimate goal is health not weight loss. So do get out and walk, move, hit the gym or whatever works, because exercise has so many, many great health benefits.