lost caregiver
Comments
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First , what type of cancer, locations, involvement.....
then bring him in here and let him read stories about the lives being lived in here through a cancer diagnosis...Then maybe he will see as you are now, that it doesn't necessarily mean demise....
The both of you in order to get rid of the fear that a diagnosis brings need to be knowledgeble of the disease, as much as possible, you can gain knowledge right in here. as much as you want, it really helps to know what the Drs and Oncologists are speaking of when they talk with you. Then and only then will you get some control back of this journey your taking. You will also have the ability to make defined,fact hardened decisions about treatment options and which will be best for you and him...
Knowledge is power and that is what keeps us alive and sane...stay with us, invite hubby to join and ask all the questions you can think of...in here, there are no dumb ones...
Love, Calm, and Peace for you both......Buzz0 -
Time will help
Give him a little time, dear. He's just processing the news and trying to figure out where he stands. It's a big piece of news to absorb! I know you're wanting to talk and be with him, so it's hard when he doesn't, but I believe he'll get there in time. Just let him deal with this new status in life a bit.
*hugs*
Gail0 -
Deep Breaths!
Hey Joy,
I think one of the scariest things we all (patient and caregiver alike) can be told is that our disease is now a Stage 4. I have no idea why any of the other numbers aren't as scary, maybe it's because if they tell you you are a 1, 2 or 3, you shut down any possibility that it will be anything else and with those three stages you are told they are curable. But as soon as you get the stage 4 talk, you are told it's incurable and everyone automatically associates incurable with "terminal" and/or "death". It can "not be cured". But that is doctor talk... they then don't go on to tell you that yes, some people will die and some people won't, and there's no real explanation as to why some do and some don't.
I am a Stage IV too... and when I was told I was Stage IV (March 2008), I went into total shock. Even though I had read up on everything I could get my hands on to do with this disease and knew that it was not uncommon for it to spread to other areas outside of the primary area (hence the Stage IV diagnosis), I was NOT prepared for my oncologist to tell me that *I* was a Stage IV. For all we know, I was a Stage 4 all along, but it wasn't until they found the nodules (tiny that they were) in my lungs... they may have been there all along but were too small to be detected. Well, I just freaked... it was like I left my body and was looking down into the room. I was not hearing what my onc had to say and was not aware that my two friends were in the room with me. My onc talked me back down into my body and then said that she had a "plan"... and that was the magic word. A "PLAN". As long as you and the doctors have a plan then the situation is far far from hopeless.
I'd like to ask you and your husband a question to ponder. If he didn't have cancer... let's say life was the same as before the cancer diagnosis. If he had gone to the doctor for a checkup and the only complaints he had were the usual aches, pains, not as much energy as we had in our 20s and just put this all down to getting a little older. If his doctor took some blood work, etc and a couple days later told him, "I'm sorry but you have Diabetes". Would the two of you be as terrified with that diagnosis than how scared you are right now? My guess is you wouldn't be. You wouldn't be happy about it, for sure, but you wouldn't be terrified because you would see diabetes as you would have to make some small life changes. Maybe a change in diet, increase the exercise level and take medication. Although it may be a disease he has for the rest of his life, it doesn't terrify you because it is very "manageable". And there's always that small possibility that if you stick to the "plan", you can put it into remission or get rid of it so you don't need to be on medication. In other words... it's possible to "Live with Diabetes"... people do it every day and there are thousands upon thousands of them out there that do. The reality is... Diabetes IS a disease that is every bit as dangerous/terminal/incurable as cancer can be... minus the terror.
Well, Joy... that is exactly how you and your husband have to look at Cancer. It's a pain in the butt (pardon the pun... mine is nowhere near my butt but in the front and on the left hand side), but as long as you have a plan then it's a matter of "Living with Cancer". We do not have to look at it as "Dying from Cancer"... that is old school and there have been so many new medications/chemos/treatments that one does not have to use the "D" word anymore. That's not to say some won't die, but a lot of people die who don't have a trace of cancer in their body. We all are going to die, but it doesn't mean the cancer is going to be what kills us.
Soooo, like Buzz said. Although your hubby appears to be withdrawing right now (not an uncommon reaction at all), let him know about this board that you have found. And that the majority of people in it are Stage IV... and are doing just fine. So fine that some of us have a hard time getting back on a consistent basis because life is so busy. Yet everyone is here to learn more, to learn how people react on the various treatments and to support each other on this ongoing journey. We have oodles of caregivers here so you won't be alone... and it will really help to know there are others going through the exact same feelings as you are as a caregiver. And you will also get some insight from others who have the disease, what they are going through, how they are feeling, which will help explain what your hubby may be feeling. If you can get hubby to come here, I'm sure he will feel a whole lot better to know that he is NOT alone in his fears, but at the same time, some of the fears are not as big as they first appear.
Keep coming back and posting!
Cheryl0 -
Thank YouCherylHutch said:Deep Breaths!
Hey Joy,
I think one of the scariest things we all (patient and caregiver alike) can be told is that our disease is now a Stage 4. I have no idea why any of the other numbers aren't as scary, maybe it's because if they tell you you are a 1, 2 or 3, you shut down any possibility that it will be anything else and with those three stages you are told they are curable. But as soon as you get the stage 4 talk, you are told it's incurable and everyone automatically associates incurable with "terminal" and/or "death". It can "not be cured". But that is doctor talk... they then don't go on to tell you that yes, some people will die and some people won't, and there's no real explanation as to why some do and some don't.
I am a Stage IV too... and when I was told I was Stage IV (March 2008), I went into total shock. Even though I had read up on everything I could get my hands on to do with this disease and knew that it was not uncommon for it to spread to other areas outside of the primary area (hence the Stage IV diagnosis), I was NOT prepared for my oncologist to tell me that *I* was a Stage IV. For all we know, I was a Stage 4 all along, but it wasn't until they found the nodules (tiny that they were) in my lungs... they may have been there all along but were too small to be detected. Well, I just freaked... it was like I left my body and was looking down into the room. I was not hearing what my onc had to say and was not aware that my two friends were in the room with me. My onc talked me back down into my body and then said that she had a "plan"... and that was the magic word. A "PLAN". As long as you and the doctors have a plan then the situation is far far from hopeless.
I'd like to ask you and your husband a question to ponder. If he didn't have cancer... let's say life was the same as before the cancer diagnosis. If he had gone to the doctor for a checkup and the only complaints he had were the usual aches, pains, not as much energy as we had in our 20s and just put this all down to getting a little older. If his doctor took some blood work, etc and a couple days later told him, "I'm sorry but you have Diabetes". Would the two of you be as terrified with that diagnosis than how scared you are right now? My guess is you wouldn't be. You wouldn't be happy about it, for sure, but you wouldn't be terrified because you would see diabetes as you would have to make some small life changes. Maybe a change in diet, increase the exercise level and take medication. Although it may be a disease he has for the rest of his life, it doesn't terrify you because it is very "manageable". And there's always that small possibility that if you stick to the "plan", you can put it into remission or get rid of it so you don't need to be on medication. In other words... it's possible to "Live with Diabetes"... people do it every day and there are thousands upon thousands of them out there that do. The reality is... Diabetes IS a disease that is every bit as dangerous/terminal/incurable as cancer can be... minus the terror.
Well, Joy... that is exactly how you and your husband have to look at Cancer. It's a pain in the butt (pardon the pun... mine is nowhere near my butt but in the front and on the left hand side), but as long as you have a plan then it's a matter of "Living with Cancer". We do not have to look at it as "Dying from Cancer"... that is old school and there have been so many new medications/chemos/treatments that one does not have to use the "D" word anymore. That's not to say some won't die, but a lot of people die who don't have a trace of cancer in their body. We all are going to die, but it doesn't mean the cancer is going to be what kills us.
Soooo, like Buzz said. Although your hubby appears to be withdrawing right now (not an uncommon reaction at all), let him know about this board that you have found. And that the majority of people in it are Stage IV... and are doing just fine. So fine that some of us have a hard time getting back on a consistent basis because life is so busy. Yet everyone is here to learn more, to learn how people react on the various treatments and to support each other on this ongoing journey. We have oodles of caregivers here so you won't be alone... and it will really help to know there are others going through the exact same feelings as you are as a caregiver. And you will also get some insight from others who have the disease, what they are going through, how they are feeling, which will help explain what your hubby may be feeling. If you can get hubby to come here, I'm sure he will feel a whole lot better to know that he is NOT alone in his fears, but at the same time, some of the fears are not as big as they first appear.
Keep coming back and posting!
Cheryl
I know I need to give him some time and space. I just want him to know I am here with him,I am scared too but like in all things in our marriage we will be in this together. Thank you for all the supportive words. What you do here on the board means alot. It all helps. Thank you.
Your new friend0 -
Thank YouBuzzard said:First , what type of cancer, locations, involvement.....
then bring him in here and let him read stories about the lives being lived in here through a cancer diagnosis...Then maybe he will see as you are now, that it doesn't necessarily mean demise....
The both of you in order to get rid of the fear that a diagnosis brings need to be knowledgeble of the disease, as much as possible, you can gain knowledge right in here. as much as you want, it really helps to know what the Drs and Oncologists are speaking of when they talk with you. Then and only then will you get some control back of this journey your taking. You will also have the ability to make defined,fact hardened decisions about treatment options and which will be best for you and him...
Knowledge is power and that is what keeps us alive and sane...stay with us, invite hubby to join and ask all the questions you can think of...in here, there are no dumb ones...
Love, Calm, and Peace for you both......Buzz
Thank you Buzz I think you are a very wise man you have helped me in other times. Please keep the support up, I will try and get my husband on this site, but now he is alittle lost but I will find him and like in all things in our marriage we can do this together I just need to remember to give him time. I just hate this whole thing and I don't want him to think he is alone.
Thank you Buzz.
Your new friend0 -
I know your righttootsie1 said:Time will help
Give him a little time, dear. He's just processing the news and trying to figure out where he stands. It's a big piece of news to absorb! I know you're wanting to talk and be with him, so it's hard when he doesn't, but I believe he'll get there in time. Just let him deal with this new status in life a bit.
*hugs*
Gail
You must know my husband, i know I need to give him time. We will find each other,together we can do this.
Thank you,
Your new friend0 -
I know your righttootsie1 said:Time will help
Give him a little time, dear. He's just processing the news and trying to figure out where he stands. It's a big piece of news to absorb! I know you're wanting to talk and be with him, so it's hard when he doesn't, but I believe he'll get there in time. Just let him deal with this new status in life a bit.
*hugs*
Gail
You must know my husband, i know I need to give him time. We will find each other,together we can do this.
Thank you,
Your new friend0 -
Happy thoughts are with you!
He is pulling away because he trying to find a way to deal with his diagnosis. My wife told me I was pulling away in the beginning. I had to deal with the diagnosis in my own head before could share my feelings.
Get him out with friends and family. The more active and support thrown his way, the easier it will be for him to open up. Happy thoughts are with you and your husband!
Best Always! mike0 -
Holding
Cheryl said it all so well. From my prospective, when I found out I had cancer, the thing that would have meant the most to me, was in the night, if my husband would have reached out and put his hand on my side, it would have comforted me, sometimes, as I laid awake thinking of this why's and how comes, I would simply reach over take his hand and lay it on me, it gave me comfort even if he though he was sound asleep, I loved having his warm hand on me, it made me feel not so quite alone.
So, I don't think in the dark of the night, if you were to put a hand upon his body, to give comfort to him and to you, that he would mind it at all, just try it, it's the small things that help.
Winter Marie0 -
Joy, My mom was diagnosed
Joy, My mom was diagnosed with Stage IV with mets to the liver on Thanksgiving Day last year. My dad, my sisters and I were terrified, angry, devastated and every emotion you could think. My dad had to work through it but eventually we all decided to treat this as a disease. My dad has diabetes, my sister has Parkinsons. Colon Cancer is just the disease my mom has. It seems to help her if the rest of us stay calm and do what we always did. I think the first month she didn't do much. Just coming to grips with know that she had the disease inside of her was overwhelming. I am glad to say that she has had three treatments and is doing well. They will do her first ct scan in about a month. We are looking forward to it. She has her blood work each month and the doctor told us yesterday that her liver counts have gone down significantly. My mom is now tired some days, but is getting back in the swing of things. She just realizes when she needs to sit down, she should.
Life is getting back to normal...we just have a mom with a new disease and we are helping as she needs it. My dear friend told me during those first scary days, that she promised it would get better. Meaning you wouldn't always feel like the world was falling apart. She was right. It is now easier.....not that cancer is easy to deal with. But now, we are going on with our lives, we aren't letting cancer dictate our every moment....and we are all busy living...my mom is busy living as well and is eager to be out and doing things on the days she feels her best. There were things in our lives that were difficult as a family....they no longer matter. We have all snapped out of it, and have come together as a family to support my mom, my dad and each other. It is pretty wonderful and special. We aren't perfect...but it sure has straightened some of us up who were getting a little out of line.
I cannot speak as someone who has cancer, but I can share that you need to give him time and remind him this is just a disease. It doesn't define him. I called the oncologist before my mom went and talked with his nurse practioner. She shared that they had many, many people with stage IV colon cancer who were survivors. It isn't like it was 20 years ago. Coming to this board, you can see hope, support, love and a very caring community.
Come here for your support and encourage your husband to come when he is ready. Take care and know that many people are here with you.
Kelly0
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