Just another day in Paradise........

Options
Buzzard
Buzzard Member Posts: 3,043 Member
edited March 2014 in Colorectal Cancer #1
This is not a religious tale...simply one of my mood swings about simply life as it was and as it is...How did and do I really feel? At first, like a pissant in a whirlwind, I was lost, confused, thought I was gonna die, tomorrow. My only thoughts were my wife and kids and have I done enough to make sure they will be ok and this and that, hell...no wonder 50% of americas populus take prozac or some type of depression meds. All those thoughts are enough to make a skunk puke......I felt as though my life was turned inside out, and it was. My conscious thoughts were about dying and when it was going to happen. How long did I have, was everything in place that need be ? Well, in short order no they weren't, and their not now either. I thought about my demise 24/7 it consumed me...shiiiiitttttttt. I am sooo tired of this I could puke...........Im not gonna die til I die, doesn't matter if its tomorrow or 3 years from tomorrow. The difference is that dying is real, now that I understand that it is its a wholeeee different ballgame. Dying is for old people, supposedly, but well, that was another lesson learned the hard way...stick around in here and you'll see that. It has no qualms about taking your life away at an early age and it doesn't matter if you have 1 or 10 kids, a dog, cat, or canary, when its time to check out then you check out. Death doesn't care if you got the light bill paid or if you told your wife that morning before you left that you loved her, or hugged your kids before you went off to work, or even if you mowed the yard yesterday. Death has no sympathy for anyone or anything, and neither does cancer. The only thing though is that cancer can bring you death before you want it or before you can get that light bill paid, or hug your kid/s or tell the wife you love her or get the yard mowed, and it don't give a damn when it happens either.
So, now that all that mortality issue talk is done with let me get to the root of this rant. If you don't do what you think you should when you should then most likely its either not to important or your just a procrastinator, like I am. So forget all that your not gonna do in the first place...Either hire it done or just quit talking about it...it to shall pass...OK, next find the things that all of you like to do together, I said nothing, but, I got a piece of paper and wrote all the top 5 things I liked to do and had the others in my family do the same and 3 out of the top 5 were all the same...Amazing how if we actually take the time to have conversations with our spouses and kids what we really find out...simply amazing...boy Im really on a roll now...I had the best time camping with my kids last fall, I found a great fishing spot and we caught 17 crappie on the first trip out, brought them to the bank, dressed them and had them for supper that night at camp. Damn, life sure is good, then we took the kids to a movie, outdoors, sat them up in the back of the truck and got them all popcorn and drinks and hooped and hollered, damn, life sure is good, then the time we got out in the yard and I hooked their wagon up to the lawn mower (no, it wasn't engaged) and pulled them all over the 40 acres, damn life sure is good.
What I am trying to get through to all of you is its not a question of whether or not we're gonna die, the question is when. As parents and guardians we do have to have some type of responsibility to try and keep life as normal as we can without running to amuck just for the sake of those we care about, but we don't have to live life in such a way that it takes away the fun of ever being a part of it. I look back on mine and see all of the things I have done, some good, some not so good, but I do realize that I wouldn't trade any of it for anything.(well, there was this one time) and I look and see cancer patients everyday that say, I will tell my wife everyday how much I love them or hug my kids everyday so they know I love them. DUH !!! Why haven't you been doing this since you had a wife and kids, are they just now becoming a necessary commodity in your life ? Yep, me too, I can say this without regret because I am just as guilty as the next....But you see, until it actually shows itself you don't realize that its not me that has missed out on all that hugging and loving I should have gotten from my family, its those that I loved that has done without for so long that suffer for it, and now your trying to make up for that lost time when your actually thinking your showing more attention to them their thinking "where has this been for the last 5 years"...Yeah, Im rambling again, because I can, spilling my guts for what its worth, trying to educate a few before life and mortality slaps them in the face that hugging your wife and kids is not a thing to start when your in dire straits, for if thats when you start, you were in dire straits way before cancer. Its way before a cancer diagnosis comes along, then if you have been affectionate all along, theres no remorse, theres no catching up to do, life is simply.......life.....
Cancer is only another obstacle to get through as life pushes you along. You got 2 choices with it, you can do the deal that cancer most times brings with it such as chemo, radiation, surgery, etc. or you can not do it and juice, or meditate, whatever is to your liking, whatever floats your boat. Just don't spend the time, don't give cancer the precious time that you could be giving to someone that loves you. Let the Naturopaths, the oncologists, the chemo gurus, let them do their thing, and let us spend quality time thinking of things other than cancer....It doesn't pay your bills or walk your dog, why give it anything that has value from yourself...Face it, do not fear it, and fight like you've never fought before...Its a battle that can be won...go into it with no reservations or worries about what you have done or not done with your loved ones. Have that taken care of long before cancer ever comes into the scenario........for then when you are about to make that eternal journey....it will be a peaceful non regretted one..... There is nothing anyone can do about dying, so theres really no need to waste time fretting over it. Its gonna happen to all of us. We need only to make sure that while we are alive, whether your 20 or 120, that its just another day in Paradise..............I love all of you here, here is to a cure in 2011..........................Buzz ( with a z )


..........and I still haven't mowed the grass............

Comments

  • lisa42
    lisa42 Member Posts: 3,625 Member
    Options
    thanks, Buzz
    Hi Clift,

    I enjoyed reading what you wrote- I wish I were feeling more eloquent right now about what to say back about it all, but you already said it all...

    Hugs, and here's to "LIFE!!!"...

    Lisa
  • herdizziness
    herdizziness Member Posts: 3,624 Member
    Options
    Paradise
    Oh yes, another day in Paradise, stayed up late last night so I wouldn't have to go to the bedroom and listen to my husband repeat over and over again, "God D@mn @ssh@le" concerning my son because he hadn't thrown his milk jug out into the recycle bin. And then woke up to the lovely sound of my son and his fiancee' arguing, with her storming out the door. So I got up to help take care of the baby she managed to leave behind. Oh, the joys of paradise.
    I just knew when I found out I had cancer, I'd turn into a kinder, quieter person, hell no, still big mouthed opinionated person I've always been.
    Thought the hubby and kids would pitch in more around the house, you know, kind of help out after chemo's, surgery etc. With the exception of a son who cooks (however rarely cleans up) there hasn't been any pitching in. All good though, sure helps you recover from the chemo and surgeries so you can clean the d@mn messy house up all by your lonesome.
    But you know, I don't wallow in self pity over it, heck they were this way before I got cancer, and their not going to change. I still have one heck of a smile on my face, and feel darn good about myself, and no one can change that, any rate, the dishes need washing, clothes need the same, floor needs swept and the lawn needs mowed, I better get my lazy arse up and go tend to those things.
    Ahhh, paradise.
    Winter Marie
  • Kerry S
    Kerry S Member Posts: 606 Member
    Options
    Buzz Buddy

    Damn I felt that post even being brain drug infested. Thanks pal.
    I needed that.
    I changed the oil and filter on the Kubota RTV today, Took me 3 times longer then normal, but I got it done.

    Kerry (old coot that will always fight this crap)
  • AnneCan
    AnneCan Member Posts: 3,673 Member
    Options
    Excellent post, Buzz
    Buzz, I really enoyed this; it is making me think through my chemo diconnect day. You have a great attitude + I really appreciate you sharing it with us. You are lucky if you have grass to mow instead of snow to shovel!
  • AnneCan
    AnneCan Member Posts: 3,673 Member
    Options

    Paradise
    Oh yes, another day in Paradise, stayed up late last night so I wouldn't have to go to the bedroom and listen to my husband repeat over and over again, "God D@mn @ssh@le" concerning my son because he hadn't thrown his milk jug out into the recycle bin. And then woke up to the lovely sound of my son and his fiancee' arguing, with her storming out the door. So I got up to help take care of the baby she managed to leave behind. Oh, the joys of paradise.
    I just knew when I found out I had cancer, I'd turn into a kinder, quieter person, hell no, still big mouthed opinionated person I've always been.
    Thought the hubby and kids would pitch in more around the house, you know, kind of help out after chemo's, surgery etc. With the exception of a son who cooks (however rarely cleans up) there hasn't been any pitching in. All good though, sure helps you recover from the chemo and surgeries so you can clean the d@mn messy house up all by your lonesome.
    But you know, I don't wallow in self pity over it, heck they were this way before I got cancer, and their not going to change. I still have one heck of a smile on my face, and feel darn good about myself, and no one can change that, any rate, the dishes need washing, clothes need the same, floor needs swept and the lawn needs mowed, I better get my lazy arse up and go tend to those things.
    Ahhh, paradise.
    Winter Marie

    No lazy arse
    Winter,

    I don't think anyone, including you, can call you a lazy arse! Whoa you sure put me to shame with all you do!
  • AnneCan
    AnneCan Member Posts: 3,673 Member
    Options
    Kerry S said:

    Buzz Buddy

    Damn I felt that post even being brain drug infested. Thanks pal.
    I needed that.
    I changed the oil and filter on the Kubota RTV today, Took me 3 times longer then normal, but I got it done.

    Kerry (old coot that will always fight this crap)

    Kerry
    You never cease to amaze me; good for you for taking care of the Kubota!
  • pluckey
    pluckey Member Posts: 484 Member
    Options
    Dayum Buzzard, your post hit
    Dayum Buzzard, your post hit hime MUCH better than the damn Therapist Session I had today. I want my money back! Stat!

    Thanks You

    Peggy
  • johnnybegood
    johnnybegood Member Posts: 1,117 Member
    Options
    pluckey said:

    Dayum Buzzard, your post hit
    Dayum Buzzard, your post hit hime MUCH better than the damn Therapist Session I had today. I want my money back! Stat!

    Thanks You

    Peggy

    thanks buzzard
    for those words.you always seem to put things in perspective when i read your posts.all i can say is PLEASE dont let go of that rope...Godbless..johnnybegood
  • Kathleen808
    Kathleen808 Member Posts: 2,342 Member
    Options
    You said it!
    Buzz,

    Thanks for your words. Right on! Yes! I agree! We are doing it today too. Slept in a bit, 8:30, rushed out for ****'s CAT scan (no contrast wanted for baseline, will scan again in 6 weeks), great weather, cracked open some coconuts from the backyard and drank the yummy coconut water, older daughter and boyfriend out on the boat with **** (**** making sure boyfriend doesn't stare too much at 16 year old in bikini), then younger daughter and I will close the afternoon on the boat. Yes, **** has colonoscopy on Monday and chemo on Tuesday but today is Saturday and all is well.

    Hugs and aloha to you!

    Kathleen
  • Buzzard
    Buzzard Member Posts: 3,043 Member
    Options

    thanks buzzard
    for those words.you always seem to put things in perspective when i read your posts.all i can say is PLEASE dont let go of that rope...Godbless..johnnybegood

    I got the rope sweetheart........
    Hows Wolfen ? and how are you as well ? good I hope, all is well jbg.......Love to you and yours.....Buzz
  • Buzzard
    Buzzard Member Posts: 3,043 Member
    Options
    pluckey said:

    Dayum Buzzard, your post hit
    Dayum Buzzard, your post hit hime MUCH better than the damn Therapist Session I had today. I want my money back! Stat!

    Thanks You

    Peggy

    I have coupons as well Pluckey.........
    and will buy you a drink of your choice in Chi Town.....be it whiskey, wine, prune, or kale...just to celebrate the meeting...I am really looking forward to this year at CP9...yep, its gonna be one to remember....Gonna be a weekend that all of us will never forget....just remember........its 5 o clock somewhere :)
  • pscott1
    pscott1 Member Posts: 207 Member
    Options
    WOW is the only thing I can
    WOW is the only thing I can say after reading THAT! Thanks for putting reality out there. What I liked best was the concept of not giving cancer the time that I can give to my family and truly spending quality time with them!

    Thx for that dose of reality....

    ps
  • thready
    thready Member Posts: 474
    Options
    Yep, a day in Paradise!
    Buzz, one other thing to remember-you can't should have done nothin'. What is in the past is there, move forward to a better today! One thing I NEVER did was live in the moment, it was always about tomorrows.
    Well with cancer who knows about tomorrows, I got right now so I am doing my best to live it now.
    I don't worry about the bills so much, I really don't care about the yard. I would rather play with my grandson then take care of anything for tomorrow.

    There was a song that said something like "All I need is you", well that is really all our families and loved ones need is us. Sure there are the routine things like food and shelter but after that really what matters? We all know the answer to that question.

    Thanks Buzz with a z!
    Thready with a y.
  • tootsie1
    tootsie1 Member Posts: 5,044 Member
    Options
    Loved your comments
    Hey, Buzz.

    I so appreciate your comments. When Bill had the sudden cardiac arrest in 2000, it changed a lot about the way we lived our life together, and then my cancer diagnosis made us think even harder about what is and isn't important. Yeah, something like cancer is scary, and I have to confess that I think about it every day, not just once in awhile. But I also think about what a lovely life I have.

    Today Bill and I walked down to our local library, stopped by the movie theater and saw "The Proposal," and then stopped at the local Mayberry for a light dinner. As we continued the next couple of blocks to our house, we two middle agers held hands and chatted like mad. It's a good life indeed.

    *hugs*
    Gail
  • khl8
    khl8 Member Posts: 807
    Options
    tootsie1 said:

    Loved your comments
    Hey, Buzz.

    I so appreciate your comments. When Bill had the sudden cardiac arrest in 2000, it changed a lot about the way we lived our life together, and then my cancer diagnosis made us think even harder about what is and isn't important. Yeah, something like cancer is scary, and I have to confess that I think about it every day, not just once in awhile. But I also think about what a lovely life I have.

    Today Bill and I walked down to our local library, stopped by the movie theater and saw "The Proposal," and then stopped at the local Mayberry for a light dinner. As we continued the next couple of blocks to our house, we two middle agers held hands and chatted like mad. It's a good life indeed.

    *hugs*
    Gail

    Buzz!
    Love the post! I feel

    Buzz!
    Love the post! I feel the same way! I have been trying to look at the gifts that cncer has given me, such as the knowledge about how short life is and to take each day and make it the best. To get out there and enjoy things, wether they are large or small.
    I have changed, cancer has changed me. The person I was before is there, but she is not the same. she now has a little wild streak and has been having fun. She is not just sitting in the house anymore, she is making new experieinces.
    Cancer gave me the gift of the ability to "live life to the fullest" I am no longer the subject of pity amongst my non cancer freinds, infact some are envious of the life that I have now created and the things I have chosen to do.

    Funny isn't it!!

    Kathy
  • pete43lost_at_sea
    pete43lost_at_sea Member Posts: 3,900 Member
    Options
    This is not a religious tale or is it!!!!
    Buzz,

    Awesome thought provoking post. Are you and sundance on the same chemo ?
    I like these expressive posts.

    We share a love of life in common.
    Camping, fishing and wife and kids, outdoor movies.
    Hugs and kisses and caresses.

    I would say everything you have expressed could be used to describe a man living a life with unconditional love at its core. it means to be kind and forgiving and also so much more.

    who is closer to God ? the unconditional lover ? or the religous guy who drives his BMW to church every sunday and rips people off and does not love life fully ?

    in my unorthodox approach to life, I would say the unconditional lover. Even if he did not know God he is doing what god wants and the other guy knows better and is not.

    so in my books this is a religious tale. that strips away all of the details of our faiths and focus's on the essential common elements that all faiths aspire to a love of one another and god.

    thanks,
    pete
  • tina dasilva
    tina dasilva Member Posts: 641
    Options
    buzz
    Buzz that was a awesome way to put and you are so right thank you so much for making us think .i love you too hugs Tina
  • Buckwirth
    Buckwirth Member Posts: 1,258 Member
    Options

    This is not a religious tale or is it!!!!
    Buzz,

    Awesome thought provoking post. Are you and sundance on the same chemo ?
    I like these expressive posts.

    We share a love of life in common.
    Camping, fishing and wife and kids, outdoor movies.
    Hugs and kisses and caresses.

    I would say everything you have expressed could be used to describe a man living a life with unconditional love at its core. it means to be kind and forgiving and also so much more.

    who is closer to God ? the unconditional lover ? or the religous guy who drives his BMW to church every sunday and rips people off and does not love life fully ?

    in my unorthodox approach to life, I would say the unconditional lover. Even if he did not know God he is doing what god wants and the other guy knows better and is not.

    so in my books this is a religious tale. that strips away all of the details of our faiths and focus's on the essential common elements that all faiths aspire to a love of one another and god.

    thanks,
    pete

    Which makes it a human tale
    Rather than a religious one. However, if it makes you feel better it can be religious.


    :-)

    Buzz,

    GREAT POST!
  • angelsbaby
    angelsbaby Member Posts: 1,165 Member
    Options

    buzz
    Buzz that was a awesome way to put and you are so right thank you so much for making us think .i love you too hugs Tina

    BUZZ
    RIGHT ON, THAT WAS AMAZING

    MICHELLE