Two lovely ladies

tabur
tabur Member Posts: 71
edited March 2014 in Colorectal Cancer #1
I can't express what I am feeling. My mother died this morning 2 days after her 90th birthday. She has been in a nursing home since last April battling uterine cancer. She's had many bouts with colon cancer and had an ileostomy many, many years ago. She was a petite, beautiful woman and I will miss her dearly. I am grateful that she did not suffer. Just one month ago, on Christmas eve, she was eating shrimp coctail ( her Christmas request ) and having a good 'ol time. She told the nurses that she was in heaven! That is how I want to remember her.

In the meantime, I am caring for Pam, who is in her final stages of life. She is my 52 year old wife and I love her dearly. She is currently in home hospice and has refused any further clinical trials. I don't really blame her but here I am, watching her die. I feed her baby food that she can digest, give her back rubs, wash her, she can hardly get out of bed. I feel helpless. I'm not sure I can take it. When she dies, I die. Simple as that.

Thanks for listening...

Al
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Comments

  • Buzzard
    Buzzard Member Posts: 3,043 Member
    No, you don't die..............
    Simply ask your wife if there is anything that she would want you to do to honor her in your lifetime...Be it church work, helping kids, anything that will be something that she will exist in in her honor that you do for others in her name. Its a little easier for me to sit here and type this telling you what you should do, but I will be in those shoes one day and my wife will be as you are to your wife, spouse, and caregiver, and I feel part of her will pass with me but she has reason to live...4 children, and someone has to reason with them, to mold them, to teach them what their dad was like and what he tried to accomplish in all of this. Al, I know life seems to be at an end for you, but its not. There is a reason for everyone on this earth to be here, part of that reason you are finding out now, to console and make easier the lives of those we love. In doing this we need to assure that all memories are good, all things never said are said, and a true admiration of each other is known through murmurs of I love yous and Remember whens and knowing that you will see each other again someday......Its a time for special thoughts and closeness as never before...I want to go being as close to my spouse as I can, and the both of you want the same...smile at her constantly, tell her you love her and tell her how beautiful she is and yeah she'll smile back at ya, ya see women love attention, attention is security, and security for her is knowing that you will be ok after a while. God this is so hard, not sure why any of us should have to go through this, but we take on that responsibility when we say I do......and if we really do, then we understand what it brings to us at a certain stage in our life, that one of us will certainly go through this with the other. Doesn't make it any easier to know, but in order to spend an entire life with someone,"Til death do us part" does in time come into play in that realm...I am rambling, I feel as I have something to share but really not finding the right words to say...Maybe there aren't any other than be loving, kind , and very special to her every need, it will reward you knowing that she will not want for anything...and sometimes thats all we can do at times like these........Love, Calm, and Peace be with you and yours, your friend, Clift
  • KathiM
    KathiM Member Posts: 8,028 Member
    I'm honored that you shared your story with me....
    My mom, also, is on her last days. And, she too was good at Christmas.

    As far as your wife, Buzz said it much better than I can. I will just add what I always remember, and holds true for all of the friends and loved ones I have had to say goodbye to...

    One of the responsibilities of saying 'Hello' and welcoming someone into our lives is to say 'Goodbye' with the same amount of love and respect.

    You WILL go on...it's not your choice, I believe! There is something left for you to do in your life. It's truly out of your control...when times get tough, I turn to my higher power, stretch out my hands and say "Here are my hands. Do with them what you will. I will try hard not to pull them back, even when what you want me to do is tearing at my heart".

    Dutch hugs, Kathi
  • Kathleen808
    Kathleen808 Member Posts: 2,342 Member
    Al
    Al,
    Your mother sounds like a lovely lady. I know you will miss her dearly.

    I am so sorry that Pam is at this stage of this painful journey. You are a wonderful husband. Your love is obviously reaching her as you care for her. I am praying that your strength is renewed in these last days. I am praying for peace for both of you.

    Aloha,
    Kathleen
  • pepebcn
    pepebcn Member Posts: 6,331 Member

    Al
    Al,
    Your mother sounds like a lovely lady. I know you will miss her dearly.

    I am so sorry that Pam is at this stage of this painful journey. You are a wonderful husband. Your love is obviously reaching her as you care for her. I am praying that your strength is renewed in these last days. I am praying for peace for both of you.

    Aloha,
    Kathleen

    Al,
    I'm so sorry for your situation please keep strength think that's what Pam would like, do it for her!, Also feel sorry for your mother,s loose I'm sure she will help you from heaven in this sad moments.
    Big hug for both.
  • angelsbaby
    angelsbaby Member Posts: 1,165 Member
    pepebcn said:

    Al,
    I'm so sorry for your situation please keep strength think that's what Pam would like, do it for her!, Also feel sorry for your mother,s loose I'm sure she will help you from heaven in this sad moments.
    Big hug for both.

    Al
    I am sorry you are a wonderful husband taking care of your wife,And i pretty much had your same feelings. it will be 21 months since angel died and i still miss him every minute but i do have to go on and have been for 21 months again i am truely sorry, both in my thoughts and prayers

    michelle
  • tabur
    tabur Member Posts: 71
    I'm so sorry..
    I had a few drinks last night, one for Mom, one for Pam, and several for me. I didn't mean to come across like a suicide note, was just feeling very sorry for myself. I have a wonderful daughter and two beautiful granddaughters and could never leave them. I think I meant a big part of who I am will die with her. I am 51 years old and have been with her since I was 15. She has taken care of me my whole life and now I will take care of her. I wish I had a religion to lean on but I don't. So I leaned on you guys to try to make sense of this situation. Thank you for your responses, I will lurk some more later. I have a lot to do today.

    Warmest regards,

    Al
  • Patteee
    Patteee Member Posts: 945
    Al- oh no, you don't die. I
    Al- oh no, you don't die. I have never been the caregiver, I am the one who dealt with cancer. I haven't been where Pam is at, but there were a few times when I totally, absolutely understood how someone could give up the fight and move on. And I worried about my kids. How would they make it, would they be okay. I am telling you now, with tears streaming down my face, how critical, how so very very important that Pam hears and BELIEVES that you are going to be okay. That it is going to take some time, but YOU WILL BE OKAY. As I laid there, weak, sick and in so much pain, I kept looking for signs that my kids would be ok. Where would they live, what would they do? It was so very very important that I feel in my soul they would be fine. She needs to know this Al and truly believe it. So, please, no way are you just going to die. I know this is hard and life without Pam is going to be difficult. But you honor her and actually all of us who have cancer and our lives cut so short, by LIVING your life- feel the wind on your face because we can't. Watch that grandbaby take first steps because we can't- be our eyes and ears on the world and what we love! Take her into your heart for all times. And then she gets to be there with you to truly live. (((hugs)))
  • Buzzard
    Buzzard Member Posts: 3,043 Member
    Patteee said:

    Al- oh no, you don't die. I
    Al- oh no, you don't die. I have never been the caregiver, I am the one who dealt with cancer. I haven't been where Pam is at, but there were a few times when I totally, absolutely understood how someone could give up the fight and move on. And I worried about my kids. How would they make it, would they be okay. I am telling you now, with tears streaming down my face, how critical, how so very very important that Pam hears and BELIEVES that you are going to be okay. That it is going to take some time, but YOU WILL BE OKAY. As I laid there, weak, sick and in so much pain, I kept looking for signs that my kids would be ok. Where would they live, what would they do? It was so very very important that I feel in my soul they would be fine. She needs to know this Al and truly believe it. So, please, no way are you just going to die. I know this is hard and life without Pam is going to be difficult. But you honor her and actually all of us who have cancer and our lives cut so short, by LIVING your life- feel the wind on your face because we can't. Watch that grandbaby take first steps because we can't- be our eyes and ears on the world and what we love! Take her into your heart for all times. And then she gets to be there with you to truly live. (((hugs)))

    Al, we understood what you meant.......
    and never apologize for anything...we all know whats going through your mind...Its just a time when there is really nothing that can be said that will fill the void.....Just know that we will keep you in our thoughts through all of this in hopes that you find some kind of solace somewhere......Love to you both, Clift
  • newperson
    newperson Member Posts: 76
    Please stay strong
    Dear Al, I'm so sorry you are going through this hard time. I know the feeling of helpless cause I'm afraid that I'm going through this situation as well. My husband is so weak and stays in bed whole day. He is in a lot of pain even though he is on extremely heavy pain medicine. I feel helpless too. I hope you can stay strong. Take care. Hugs. - Lucy
  • Lovekitties
    Lovekitties Member Posts: 3,364 Member
    tabur said:

    I'm so sorry..
    I had a few drinks last night, one for Mom, one for Pam, and several for me. I didn't mean to come across like a suicide note, was just feeling very sorry for myself. I have a wonderful daughter and two beautiful granddaughters and could never leave them. I think I meant a big part of who I am will die with her. I am 51 years old and have been with her since I was 15. She has taken care of me my whole life and now I will take care of her. I wish I had a religion to lean on but I don't. So I leaned on you guys to try to make sense of this situation. Thank you for your responses, I will lurk some more later. I have a lot to do today.

    Warmest regards,

    Al

    Dear Al
    So sorry for the loss of your mom. Sounds like she was enjoying life right up to the end. How wonderful that you had her for so many years.

    I am sorry to hear that Pam is on the last part of this cancer journey. I am sure you are doing everything possible to make her comfortable and make her know how loved she is.

    It is certainly difficult after so very many years together to contimplate being seperated, but you will keep her in your heart forever.

    Take care of yourself and please let us know how you are doing.

    Marie who loves kitties
  • AnneCan
    AnneCan Member Posts: 3,673 Member
    Al
    Al, I am so sorry for the loss of your mother; she sounds like a wonderful woman.

    I am really sorry Pam is at this stage. You are a wonderful husband, + your love for Pam is beautiful. Take good care.
  • mom_2_3
    mom_2_3 Member Posts: 953 Member
    Al
    Al,

    I am so sorry to hear of the loss of hour mom. You have my condolences.

    I can't imagine what you are going through with Pam. I wouldn't even want to think about losing the love of my life. I hope that you find peace in these days and that you share quiet times of reflection on the loving and wonderful memories that you must share.

    Amy
  • herdizziness
    herdizziness Member Posts: 3,624 Member
    tabur said:

    I'm so sorry..
    I had a few drinks last night, one for Mom, one for Pam, and several for me. I didn't mean to come across like a suicide note, was just feeling very sorry for myself. I have a wonderful daughter and two beautiful granddaughters and could never leave them. I think I meant a big part of who I am will die with her. I am 51 years old and have been with her since I was 15. She has taken care of me my whole life and now I will take care of her. I wish I had a religion to lean on but I don't. So I leaned on you guys to try to make sense of this situation. Thank you for your responses, I will lurk some more later. I have a lot to do today.

    Warmest regards,

    Al

    Dear Al
    You did not come across as a suicide note, you came across as a man who was reaching an abyss in his life, an emptiness at the loss of your mother and then knowing the loss of your wife is coming. The unfathomable is happening, and at these times, when there is an ache in your soul, pain in your heart and no explanation in your mind for these turns of events in your life, then you reach out to those around you. And here we are, in turn holding you dear to our hearts, our tears for you in sympathy fall down our face, thinking of you, sending you our prayers and love.
    You've had a life time of love for your mother, and nearly a full lifetime of love for your wife, you're allowed to feel sorry for yourself now and then again.
    Winter Marie
  • KathiM
    KathiM Member Posts: 8,028 Member
    tabur said:

    I'm so sorry..
    I had a few drinks last night, one for Mom, one for Pam, and several for me. I didn't mean to come across like a suicide note, was just feeling very sorry for myself. I have a wonderful daughter and two beautiful granddaughters and could never leave them. I think I meant a big part of who I am will die with her. I am 51 years old and have been with her since I was 15. She has taken care of me my whole life and now I will take care of her. I wish I had a religion to lean on but I don't. So I leaned on you guys to try to make sense of this situation. Thank you for your responses, I will lurk some more later. I have a lot to do today.

    Warmest regards,

    Al

    No appology necessary, dearheart!
    The great thing about this board is that we care. The challenging thing is that sometimes we care a bit too much...lol....and misread a bit of the situation...

    It is totally ok to feel the way you are feeling, saying goodbye to people that have been so much a part of your life is not easy....(not that you need MY permission to feel any way you want to...*smile*).

    We are family. We are here. Anytime of the day or night. (I'm in Holland, so I'm anywhere from 5 to 10 hours ahead of you, depending on where you live...)

    Dutch hugs, Kathi
  • geotina
    geotina Member Posts: 2,111 Member
    Al:
    I'm sorry. As a caregiver I know exactly where you are coming from. Right now it is impossible to think of life without Pam. I have also had those thoughts. I think it is fear of the unknown, fear of lonliness, fear of doing things as 1 not 2, but go on you will. You will see Pam in the eyes of your children and grandchildren, smile and celebrate their milestones in life just as Pam would want you to do. I have no words of wisdom as to how to handle this stuff.

    I met my George when I was 16, married after college, and began what has truly been a wonderful life together, the thought of life without him is impossible. I am so very thankful for him and his love and let him know it every day.

    Take care of yourself - Tina
  • CherylHutch
    CherylHutch Member Posts: 1,375
    tabur said:

    I'm so sorry..
    I had a few drinks last night, one for Mom, one for Pam, and several for me. I didn't mean to come across like a suicide note, was just feeling very sorry for myself. I have a wonderful daughter and two beautiful granddaughters and could never leave them. I think I meant a big part of who I am will die with her. I am 51 years old and have been with her since I was 15. She has taken care of me my whole life and now I will take care of her. I wish I had a religion to lean on but I don't. So I leaned on you guys to try to make sense of this situation. Thank you for your responses, I will lurk some more later. I have a lot to do today.

    Warmest regards,

    Al

    I'm so sorry for what you are going through...
    Hi Al,

    I'm glad to have read this note after reading our first note. What a heck of time you are having to face these days... if ever there was a time to just say, "Screw it! I'm going to have a few drinks and then some more because... well, now is a time when I could use the relief they can give, even if just temporary". I'm so sorry that you have lost your mother, but if it's any consolation, it sounds like she went peacefully after having some brilliant moments and times... not to mention a very full life. Your wife is the one that it's a little harder to watch because, as you have said, the two of you have been together since you were 15. That's amazing and is truly a love story... one that so many people never get to experience. I am so happy for you that you have had this in your life (I have not, so I can only imagine how wonderful it has been). No matter what happens, no one can ever take those wonderful years together away from you and out of that love affair, you have a wonderful daughter with two gorgeous granddaughters. Your work as Father and Grandfather is not about to slow down... these girls are going to need you in their lives more than ever and as much as you love them, they also love you.

    Unfortunately, one of the downsides of having such a fantastic love affair that started so young is it makes it that much harder to ever say goodbye. If you didn't like each other, or the relationship had run it's course and you had long since gotten divorced and went on your way... this would not be so emotionally hard to handle. But it's because it has been a life of love that you will see it through her journey, offering her the love you've always been able to offer her... and she, in turn, will love you just as much back. The love story doesn't end just because the physical body gives out.

    I have so much admiration for both of you... and you know that we are always, always here for you to lean on... and always will be.

    Cheryl
  • tootsie1
    tootsie1 Member Posts: 5,044 Member
    So sorry
    Oh, Al.

    You're carrying a heavy weight on your shoulders. I'm so very sorry about your mom, and I know it's just hurting you so much to see Pam this way. You love her and can't imagine going on without her. You've been dealt a cruel blow in life, and it's going to take a long time to be even slightly okay. But you will be better one day and be able to cherish the memories made with both your mom and Pam.

    *hugs*
    Gail
  • lizdeli
    lizdeli Member Posts: 569 Member
    tootsie1 said:

    So sorry
    Oh, Al.

    You're carrying a heavy weight on your shoulders. I'm so very sorry about your mom, and I know it's just hurting you so much to see Pam this way. You love her and can't imagine going on without her. You've been dealt a cruel blow in life, and it's going to take a long time to be even slightly okay. But you will be better one day and be able to cherish the memories made with both your mom and Pam.

    *hugs*
    Gail

    Can't find the words
    Al
    I just don't know what to say. You are going through so much. Know that others are here for you. I wish we could help alleviate your pain.
    Liz
  • tabur
    tabur Member Posts: 71
    Thank you all so much...
    ...for your responses.

    We had a real nice service for mom last Friday. Now I have to put all that behind me and concetrate on taking care of Pam. She doesn't have a "lot" of pain yet but can't get out of bed for more than 5 minutes at a time. I washed her hair and gave her a sponge bath today. She is so thin. I can't cook worth **** but made her some mashed potatoes which she can digest and she absolutely loved them. She is so stong considering the position she is in, she is teaching me to die with dignity and I in awe and love her so much.

    Al
  • Kathleen808
    Kathleen808 Member Posts: 2,342 Member
    tabur said:

    Thank you all so much...
    ...for your responses.

    We had a real nice service for mom last Friday. Now I have to put all that behind me and concetrate on taking care of Pam. She doesn't have a "lot" of pain yet but can't get out of bed for more than 5 minutes at a time. I washed her hair and gave her a sponge bath today. She is so thin. I can't cook worth **** but made her some mashed potatoes which she can digest and she absolutely loved them. She is so stong considering the position she is in, she is teaching me to die with dignity and I in awe and love her so much.

    Al

    Al
    Al,
    You are a wonderful husband. I am praying for you and Pam. Praying for peace, some laughter and some more time for you.

    Aloha,
    Kathleen