Is this the way it has to be?

rubyslippers
rubyslippers Member Posts: 53
edited March 2014 in Grief and Bereavement #1
Hi, Its been five and half months since my mum passed away aged 61 with ovarian cancer, she was diagnosed and two and half weeks later she passed away. Their is my dad and my sister and we are all so close as a family, we still are but the pain, its my mums birthday this thursday and Im having these awful dreams when she is fighting this awful disease. I am maxed on my anti depressants and they are doing a good job, I dont really believe this has happened and we will be a family again. I cant think of my mum without crying all the time so is this the way it has to be that I cant think of my mum without the pain and tears. I do miss my mum so much You cant describe the pain unless you have been through it and I know most of you lovely people have and are in the same horrible boat as me, my boat is called the titanic cos Im sinking. Why oh why do things have to change, life was ok but now life is bad and will never be good again. Sorry for my rant but I read all the posts on here and I know there are no soloutions and this is a journey we have to do alone, but I still want to scream give her back to me. A question for you, if you could turn the clock back one year and relieve the whole year again but you could not change a thing would you? my answer is no, yes I would love to see my mum again and enjoy everything about my mum but I could not go through the whole pain again, I dont know if that makes me selfish , sorry Im ranting on now.
Good luck to you all and my heart does go out to you all that are grieving lots of love
kris xxxx

Comments

  • Beckymarie
    Beckymarie Member Posts: 357
    #2
    You've come to the right place
    This the place to let it all out. Lost my husband 7 months ago and feel the pain of everything you are saying. Why did our lives have to change so drastically and tragically. The only positive thing I can say to you is I have had several friends who have lost a spouse, parent, child and have eventually reached a place of peace over time. I have to believe we will get there too.

    Would I do it again? It was terrible as he died of brain cancer and I don't think emtionally or physically I could do it again. I do often wish I had the opportunity to tell him one more time how much I loved him and appreciated the man, husband and father he was.

    I hope you eventually find your place of peace in this miserable journey.
    Becky
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    #3
    This comment has been removed by the Moderator
  • JoycesSon
    JoycesSon Member Posts: 6
    #4
    You don't have to go through it alone.
    Kris,
    I lost my Mom on December 17, 1987 to breast cancer. She was diagnosed several years prior but she pleadged to see her two sons grow. She kept that pledge but it came back with a vengance. I was 19 when I watched her go. Through the years I found that I had not thought about my life with her and started to lose my memory of her and the good times. I started just thinking about the good times. The times she read to me, made me lunch, vacations the simple things. I remember how she dressed me as a kid in red plad pants and a white belt so that when I see the picutures I can laugh. Sometimes I get emotional and have to cry. I don't know your beliefs but I know my Momma is still watching over me. She had something to do with me meeting my wife 3 yrs after Momma left. My wife has been there when I have cried through the years. There are always people who want to help and listen. I talk to her in my mind about the good times. The Christmas season is always hard and this years hit more due to seeing my Dad's health degrade from diabetes. I again try to think of the great Christmas times my Mommma and Dad gave me. When I hear that a person has lost someone I think of my Momma welcoming them and them being friends. My Momma Joyce has a new friend your Mum.
    Take care, Britt
  • forevermissed
    forevermissed Member Posts: 7
    #5
    So Sorry
    Kris,
    I am so sorry.... My mom passed on Christmas day from ovarian cancer. We found out the week of thanksgiving and it was a horrible horrible thing to have to see your mom go through. There were days she would cry out for Help and you could do nothing but hold her hand and pray for god to take her and to stop her pain. But once she left I prayed he would take my pain, granted its still very strong and very much there I am trying to be strong. It's very hard, especially when everything that was hard that came along you run to your mom and now we cant. I lost my dad jan 4th 1999 from Cancer and I found most of my moments were at night and my days had fun memories of him.
    I feel as though everything you are going through are what I am going to get smacked in the face with in the months to come, right now im in a rut and just slowly going through the days trying to understand that she isnt here anymore... Just seems like time is going so freaking slow!

    As far as your question of being able to go back and not change anything I would probably say no as well because seeing her in any pain was the worst thing to experience.... its not selfish, its human no one wants there loved ones in pain so why would we relive that?
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    #6
    forevermissed said:

    So Sorry
    Kris,
    I am so sorry.... My mom passed on Christmas day from ovarian cancer. We found out the week of thanksgiving and it was a horrible horrible thing to have to see your mom go through. There were days she would cry out for Help and you could do nothing but hold her hand and pray for god to take her and to stop her pain. But once she left I prayed he would take my pain, granted its still very strong and very much there I am trying to be strong. It's very hard, especially when everything that was hard that came along you run to your mom and now we cant. I lost my dad jan 4th 1999 from Cancer and I found most of my moments were at night and my days had fun memories of him.
    I feel as though everything you are going through are what I am going to get smacked in the face with in the months to come, right now im in a rut and just slowly going through the days trying to understand that she isnt here anymore... Just seems like time is going so freaking slow!

    As far as your question of being able to go back and not change anything I would probably say no as well because seeing her in any pain was the worst thing to experience.... its not selfish, its human no one wants there loved ones in pain so why would we relive that?

    This comment has been removed by the Moderator
  • rubyslippers
    rubyslippers Member Posts: 53
    #7
    unknown said:

    This comment has been removed by the Moderator

    Thank you for your replys

    Hi and thank you for your replys, I can honestley say that when my wonderful mum passed away so did most of me. I do not know how to cope , I am screaming for my life to end, I do apologise for this but I do feel like I am amongst friends and we can be honest, I want to be with mum again, sorry if this sounds selfish to my three children, but I can not see the point of life anymore. When my mum passed away at 61 my Dad went with her and so did myself and my sister. It was my Mums birthday on Thursday 20th Jan , I put a brave face on for my Dad , spent a few days with him, love him so much but he lives a bout 4 hour straight drive from here, I wish I could fast forward my life so I it could be done and over and my children would not suffer. I want to be with my mum thats all I want, I have had counselling and I am maxed on anti depressants. Its been nearly 6 months and I still want my mum, I do not know what to do, I am not as strong as my mum. I just want the pain to stop. sorry for my moaning, councilling has stopped and just thinking whats the point of life and this pain and struggling. Love you all and thank you all xxxx
  • rubyslippers
    rubyslippers Member Posts: 53
    #8
    rubyslippers said:

    Thank you for your replys

    Hi and thank you for your replys, I can honestley say that when my wonderful mum passed away so did most of me. I do not know how to cope , I am screaming for my life to end, I do apologise for this but I do feel like I am amongst friends and we can be honest, I want to be with mum again, sorry if this sounds selfish to my three children, but I can not see the point of life anymore. When my mum passed away at 61 my Dad went with her and so did myself and my sister. It was my Mums birthday on Thursday 20th Jan , I put a brave face on for my Dad , spent a few days with him, love him so much but he lives a bout 4 hour straight drive from here, I wish I could fast forward my life so I it could be done and over and my children would not suffer. I want to be with my mum thats all I want, I have had counselling and I am maxed on anti depressants. Its been nearly 6 months and I still want my mum, I do not know what to do, I am not as strong as my mum. I just want the pain to stop. sorry for my moaning, councilling has stopped and just thinking whats the point of life and this pain and struggling. Love you all and thank you all xxxx

    one more note to add one

    I feel as though I can right this as I do not know you individually and that you will not judge me. but I do just want to die and be with my mum. It might sound selfish to my children, but I am not a selfish person, never have been at all , always put everyone before myself, but what is the point. I want to pass away and be with my mum, if I had a fast forward button on my life I would press it. I dont want my children to think any less of me but I want the pain and heart pain to stop. What did we do to deserve this god? Is this our penalty for caring? I do not have any answers but just this pain, I am sorry for my questions and thank you all for listening to my heartache xxxx
  • Beckymarie
    Beckymarie Member Posts: 357
    #9
    rubyslippers said:

    one more note to add one

    I feel as though I can right this as I do not know you individually and that you will not judge me. but I do just want to die and be with my mum. It might sound selfish to my children, but I am not a selfish person, never have been at all , always put everyone before myself, but what is the point. I want to pass away and be with my mum, if I had a fast forward button on my life I would press it. I dont want my children to think any less of me but I want the pain and heart pain to stop. What did we do to deserve this god? Is this our penalty for caring? I do not have any answers but just this pain, I am sorry for my questions and thank you all for listening to my heartache xxxx

    Can't wait to be with him
    I understand how you feel. Afer losing my husband I just wanted to follow him to the grave...just wanted to be with him. I love my children but they are adults and have their own lives. The sadness, anxiety and loneliness can be debilitating at times. My beliefs in God have totally changed. But it is not my time yet and so I push forward hoping the day comes that I can find some joy and peace in my life. I believe that day will come...I just wish it would haurry up.
  • bingles
    bingles Member Posts: 120 Member
    #10
    Beckymarie said:

    Can't wait to be with him
    I understand how you feel. Afer losing my husband I just wanted to follow him to the grave...just wanted to be with him. I love my children but they are adults and have their own lives. The sadness, anxiety and loneliness can be debilitating at times. My beliefs in God have totally changed. But it is not my time yet and so I push forward hoping the day comes that I can find some joy and peace in my life. I believe that day will come...I just wish it would haurry up.

    I am right there with you...
    In the weeks leading up to Bill's death I had many heart to hearts with myself....I tried to tell myself that I was going to be ok....I was strong....but I think I did this to keep up the faux persona of strenght for Bill's sake....we talked about it and he had this look on his face of saddness...I tried to make him believe I would be ok...because I knew that he hated leaving me.
    After his death and right up to now the saddness is horrible...good days...bad days...highs and lows...with my being alone...well I cannot come up with a good solid reason to be on this earth..every day is a blank canvas that stays blank until the day is over....and than I move on to the next one.....he was the light in my life....he was my oxygen..for over thirty years and now he is gone.
    But I know that I must keep going....its going on nine months....its only been nine months....right now I am in yet another transitional period...one of many that I have gone though since his death and I am hoping that I will come out the other side of this with a clearer vision of what I need to do....I have many years ahead of me and there has got to be something that I need to be doing...
    I was thinking yesterday about people telling me that I must keep busy....do things....go places....get out and about....this is not who we were....we were home bodies...content to hang out at home....and just be together...the berevement counselor once said that after a spouse dies...the spouse left behind is the same as he/she has always been...but now they are grieving...so what I am trying to do now is to just be respectfull of my needs and my desires....just try to be my authentic self.
    Oh well moving on...thanks for reading the rant....
    Pat
  • ruthelizabeth
    ruthelizabeth Member Posts: 138
    #11
    bingles said:

    I am right there with you...
    In the weeks leading up to Bill's death I had many heart to hearts with myself....I tried to tell myself that I was going to be ok....I was strong....but I think I did this to keep up the faux persona of strenght for Bill's sake....we talked about it and he had this look on his face of saddness...I tried to make him believe I would be ok...because I knew that he hated leaving me.
    After his death and right up to now the saddness is horrible...good days...bad days...highs and lows...with my being alone...well I cannot come up with a good solid reason to be on this earth..every day is a blank canvas that stays blank until the day is over....and than I move on to the next one.....he was the light in my life....he was my oxygen..for over thirty years and now he is gone.
    But I know that I must keep going....its going on nine months....its only been nine months....right now I am in yet another transitional period...one of many that I have gone though since his death and I am hoping that I will come out the other side of this with a clearer vision of what I need to do....I have many years ahead of me and there has got to be something that I need to be doing...
    I was thinking yesterday about people telling me that I must keep busy....do things....go places....get out and about....this is not who we were....we were home bodies...content to hang out at home....and just be together...the berevement counselor once said that after a spouse dies...the spouse left behind is the same as he/she has always been...but now they are grieving...so what I am trying to do now is to just be respectfull of my needs and my desires....just try to be my authentic self.
    Oh well moving on...thanks for reading the rant....
    Pat

    it all sounds familiar
    I understand how you all feel. I'm right there with you. And it hasn't helped that I am being forcibly retired. I know I'll have to reinvent myself and my life. No family staying in contact and my job -- well, it was a job where I really cared about a lot of people and will miss them.

    All I can say is that I've finally decided I'll have to do the best I can and hope there's something ahead. Part of me believes it will be something good, but sometimes that's a very small part.
  • Beckymarie
    Beckymarie Member Posts: 357
    #12
    ruthelizabeth said:

    it all sounds familiar
    I understand how you all feel. I'm right there with you. And it hasn't helped that I am being forcibly retired. I know I'll have to reinvent myself and my life. No family staying in contact and my job -- well, it was a job where I really cared about a lot of people and will miss them.

    All I can say is that I've finally decided I'll have to do the best I can and hope there's something ahead. Part of me believes it will be something good, but sometimes that's a very small part.

    My Job
    I cannot tell you how badly I feel that your employer would do this to you at this time. I would be lost without my job right now. I too hope there is something great out there for you. Give youself time to re-group.
    Best wishes to you.

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