I'm starting to get scared now

joannstar
joannstar Member Posts: 403 Member
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
I was dx with Stage 0 DCIS on 7/16/10. After 2 lumpectomies (to get clean margins), I was reclassed as Stage 1B IDC, High grade, triple negative with no nodal involvement. When the oncologist told me that, all I heard was CANCER and it took me some research to find out what it all meant, because no matter what I asked my onc, I didn't hear any of his answers past the words, Stage 1 and chemo. He said that with chemo, my chances of recurrance dropped from 33% to 5%. So ok, I'm doing chemo, T-C, 6 rounds every three weeks. I've already done 4 treatments with the 5th this week. After than, I'm going to have 6.5 weeks of radiation, but because I'm triple negative, I won't have any followup hormone pills.
So through all of this, I've just kept going, but now I'm getting scared! I've been reading on this board about how many women have recurrances and it is something that I never actually considered...or the fact that I may die.
I'm only 58 (which may sound old to some of the younger warriors on this board--but it isn't) and on 2/14/10 I got married for the first time to a wonderfully supportive man (thank goodness!).
I find myself having mood swings and crying a lot. I can't explain to anyone else what I'm feeling because I do have a good prognosis and I don't want to be negative, but at the same time I'm scared of the future. I have a lot of support through my husband and my temple and the folks at work have been good about the time I need off for treatment.
I guess I need to stop googling and reading these boards if they are scaring me...but I find them very comforting also.
Does anyone out there relate to what I'm feeling and if so, how did you deal with it?
Thanks,
JoAnn

Comments

  • roseann4
    roseann4 Member Posts: 992 Member
    #2
    I was 58, too.
    I was diagnosed in Feb. 09. I understand that it is scarey to think about recurrences but after you have your treatments behind you and get your life more on track it won't be as difficult. I can't change the future. I have many friends who have gone decades without a recurrence. However, some have had recurrences and I pray they live until there is a cure....they WILL find a cure. In the meantime, I live my life with an almost 2 year Stage 1 bc diagnosis. I consider myself cured until someone tells me different. It's a much happier way to live. Give yourself some time. Fear is a natural part of a bc diagnosis.

    Roseann
  • webbwife50
    webbwife50 Member Posts: 394
    #3
    Hi JoAnn, your feelings are
    Hi JoAnn, your feelings are perfectly normal, we all have them. Cancer is very scary business, it can take a lot away from a woman of any age. You dx sounds very good! Thank goodness. I was dxed with TNBC IDC in June of 09, I'd just turned 50 and two month earlier married the man of my dreams. I had bilat. mast, one profalatic, 8 rounds of chemo, then tram-flap recon. last Dec. 15th. I have not fully recovered, but I am still very much alive and kicken. I think for me, it was a real, "GROW UP" call! Everyone dies, at some time or another, if it weren't so we'd have heard about it. It's about the life I live today, my precous new husband who has cared for me so bravely, my wonderful daughters, and all the other people in my life who love me. Oh yeh, and my dog!! ha ha Hugs...alison
  • joannstar
    joannstar Member Posts: 403 Member
    #4
    webbwife50 said:

    Hi JoAnn, your feelings are
    Hi JoAnn, your feelings are perfectly normal, we all have them. Cancer is very scary business, it can take a lot away from a woman of any age. You dx sounds very good! Thank goodness. I was dxed with TNBC IDC in June of 09, I'd just turned 50 and two month earlier married the man of my dreams. I had bilat. mast, one profalatic, 8 rounds of chemo, then tram-flap recon. last Dec. 15th. I have not fully recovered, but I am still very much alive and kicken. I think for me, it was a real, "GROW UP" call! Everyone dies, at some time or another, if it weren't so we'd have heard about it. It's about the life I live today, my precous new husband who has cared for me so bravely, my wonderful daughters, and all the other people in my life who love me. Oh yeh, and my dog!! ha ha Hugs...alison

    Maybe that's the issue
    I just don't want to have to grow up and face reality.
    Thank you both for your feedback.
    I know that I have to fight the beast and I will do it with all my ability...I can't let my new husband or step-daughter down. I want to be around to enjoy my new family for a long time!
    Hugs to you both.
    JoAnn
  • webbwife50
    webbwife50 Member Posts: 394
    #5
    joannstar said:

    Maybe that's the issue
    I just don't want to have to grow up and face reality.
    Thank you both for your feedback.
    I know that I have to fight the beast and I will do it with all my ability...I can't let my new husband or step-daughter down. I want to be around to enjoy my new family for a long time!
    Hugs to you both.
    JoAnn

    Ya know JoAnn, I'v come to
    Ya know JoAnn, I'v come to the realizaton that, life is short, whether you live 20 yrs. or 100. It's all about the quality! God bless you...Alison
  • missrenee
    missrenee Member Posts: 2,136 Member
    #6
    webbwife50 said:

    Ya know JoAnn, I'v come to
    Ya know JoAnn, I'v come to the realizaton that, life is short, whether you live 20 yrs. or 100. It's all about the quality! God bless you...Alison

    Try not to be scared, JoAnn
    I know that's easy to say. I try not to be scared every single day. I, too, am 58. I was diagnosed last Nov.--Stage 3C, 10+ nodes. I like what Alison just said--so true.

    I met a lady in my imaging center the other day--she was having a routine mammo, but her mom was fighting breast cancer and she had 2 aunts who had breast cancer as well. She said the way her mom dealt with it was that no matter what was happening--whether it came back, was in remission, etc. it was all okay--whatever was happening was supposed to happen and she made peace with it because it was all in God's hands. I like that--I hope I can start thinking that way. I think it will bring me a feeling of peace. But, it's pretty darn hard to get to that point.

    Hugs and prayers to you,
    Renee
  • Sher43009
    Sher43009 Member Posts: 602 Member
    #7
    missrenee said:

    Try not to be scared, JoAnn
    I know that's easy to say. I try not to be scared every single day. I, too, am 58. I was diagnosed last Nov.--Stage 3C, 10+ nodes. I like what Alison just said--so true.

    I met a lady in my imaging center the other day--she was having a routine mammo, but her mom was fighting breast cancer and she had 2 aunts who had breast cancer as well. She said the way her mom dealt with it was that no matter what was happening--whether it came back, was in remission, etc. it was all okay--whatever was happening was supposed to happen and she made peace with it because it was all in God's hands. I like that--I hope I can start thinking that way. I think it will bring me a feeling of peace. But, it's pretty darn hard to get to that point.

    Hugs and prayers to you,
    Renee

    What you're feeling is so
    What you're feeling is so normal. I use to get so scared I'd shake. Take a deep breath. As many on this board have said "don't borrow trouble", it's one step at a time. You will get through it.

    Sher
  • DebbyM
    DebbyM Member Posts: 3,289 Member
    #8
    roseann4 said:

    I was 58, too.
    I was diagnosed in Feb. 09. I understand that it is scarey to think about recurrences but after you have your treatments behind you and get your life more on track it won't be as difficult. I can't change the future. I have many friends who have gone decades without a recurrence. However, some have had recurrences and I pray they live until there is a cure....they WILL find a cure. In the meantime, I live my life with an almost 2 year Stage 1 bc diagnosis. I consider myself cured until someone tells me different. It's a much happier way to live. Give yourself some time. Fear is a natural part of a bc diagnosis.

    Roseann

    Roseann is right. Bc is
    Roseann is right. Bc is scary and we all have been there and some still are. Just focus on killing the beast and living a long and happy life.


    Hugs, Debby
  • joannstar
    joannstar Member Posts: 403 Member
    #9
    Thank you all
    for your support. I know that it is God's hands...and I do believe in the saying "Man plans and God laughs".
    I will talk to my onc on Friday when I go for my 5th of 6 T-C treatments and which may help a bit.
    For today I'm going to focus on feeling good and enjoying the "ride".
    Hugs to all,
    JoAnn
  • Mama G
    Mama G Member Posts: 762
    #10
    joannstar said:

    Thank you all
    for your support. I know that it is God's hands...and I do believe in the saying "Man plans and God laughs".
    I will talk to my onc on Friday when I go for my 5th of 6 T-C treatments and which may help a bit.
    For today I'm going to focus on feeling good and enjoying the "ride".
    Hugs to all,
    JoAnn

    I can identify with you
    I am scared every day now that it's returned. But I heard Michael J Fox the other day on tv talking about how if you worry about what might happen and then it happens it's like you went through it twice! Just enjoy each day (easier said than done) and give thanks for what we have NOW! I just keep praying for more time. God has been good to me. I read and hear about so many others who don't make it as far as we have. Pray for a CURE!
  • Ritzy
    Ritzy Member Posts: 4,381 Member
    #11
    joannstar said:

    Maybe that's the issue
    I just don't want to have to grow up and face reality.
    Thank you both for your feedback.
    I know that I have to fight the beast and I will do it with all my ability...I can't let my new husband or step-daughter down. I want to be around to enjoy my new family for a long time!
    Hugs to you both.
    JoAnn

    That's right, you want to
    That's right, you want to live a long life and enjoy your wonderful family. So, just put your mind in attack mode to rid the beast from you forever!

    We all go through the worry of a recurrence, but, you can't dwell on it, or, it will steal your happiness.

    Just do your treatments, surgery and anything else you can to be cancer free, so that, you can live your life with peace of mind.


    Good luck,

    Sue :)
  • SIROD
    SIROD Member Posts: 2,194 Member
    #12
    Dear JoAnn,
    It is normal to
    Dear JoAnn,

    It is normal to feel vulnerable as you go through the journey with breast cancer. It takes a good 2 years before you feel relax enough to put the experience behind you.

    Remember there are more women surviving breast cancer than dying from the disease. When a public figure dies, Elizabeth Edwards, Lynn Redgrave and etc., it makes everyone wonder if they may be next. It is such a normal feeling.

    Perhaps you could ask your doctor for a little help with some depression medication. Many, many women and men have this help while going through treatment.

    Reading good books on the topic often helps. I have had Dr. Susan Love's books for years and she was able to always calm me.

    Wishing you the best,

    SIROD
  • Alexis F
    Alexis F Member Posts: 3,598
    #13
    joannstar said:

    Maybe that's the issue
    I just don't want to have to grow up and face reality.
    Thank you both for your feedback.
    I know that I have to fight the beast and I will do it with all my ability...I can't let my new husband or step-daughter down. I want to be around to enjoy my new family for a long time!
    Hugs to you both.
    JoAnn

    I think we all wanted to
    I think we all wanted to bury our head in the sand when we heard those three awful words, but, that would be dumb. We have to fight, and, fight hard. But, that doesn't mean that we still can't be scared of our future, or scared of a treatment. That is only normal. You have a new husband and a step-daughter to fight for too. Let them help you. Let us help you. When you find yourself feeling bad or scared, come here and post, or, talk to your family. Get it out, don't hold it in. You will start feeling better.


    Wishing you the best of luck,


    Lex
  • joannstar
    joannstar Member Posts: 403 Member
    #14
    SIROD said:

    Dear JoAnn,
    It is normal to
    Dear JoAnn,

    It is normal to feel vulnerable as you go through the journey with breast cancer. It takes a good 2 years before you feel relax enough to put the experience behind you.

    Remember there are more women surviving breast cancer than dying from the disease. When a public figure dies, Elizabeth Edwards, Lynn Redgrave and etc., it makes everyone wonder if they may be next. It is such a normal feeling.

    Perhaps you could ask your doctor for a little help with some depression medication. Many, many women and men have this help while going through treatment.

    Reading good books on the topic often helps. I have had Dr. Susan Love's books for years and she was able to always calm me.

    Wishing you the best,

    SIROD

    Everyone's comments have been
    very helpful, re-iterating those things that, although I know them, need to be repeated none the less.
    I am going for my 5th (of 6 T-C) treatment on 12/17 so I'll have a chance to discuss my feelings with my onc.
    I also am doing my best to not think about the negatives because there are so many positive things in my life. I had a friend once who said that life is like a dark room and we get to choose on what to shine our flashlight. So I am consciously choosing to look at the best of life!
    Hugs to all,
    JoAnn
  • sweetvickid
    sweetvickid Member Posts: 459 Member
    #15
    joannstar said:

    Everyone's comments have been
    very helpful, re-iterating those things that, although I know them, need to be repeated none the less.
    I am going for my 5th (of 6 T-C) treatment on 12/17 so I'll have a chance to discuss my feelings with my onc.
    I also am doing my best to not think about the negatives because there are so many positive things in my life. I had a friend once who said that life is like a dark room and we get to choose on what to shine our flashlight. So I am consciously choosing to look at the best of life!
    Hugs to all,
    JoAnn

    I was stage 3 with node
    I was stage 3 with node involovement and triple negative. A lot of breast cancer in my family. Never worried about it but was good about yearly mammos and self exams and I caught it. By the way Mom a 10 year survivor, great Aunt 20 years and a cousin is 16 years. A few other but I can't remember for how long.

    Had a wonderful oncologist who informed me that death was not one of my options. I went thru 4 round of TAC+avastin and then 4 rounds of ACT+avastin, double mastectomy, and and have 2 more rounds of avastin, 10 rounds all together. Luckily for me I have never been a worrier. Whats gonna happen is gonna happen so why waste time worrying?

    All we can do is stay vigilant about mammos and self exams but put all our energies into living our life and enjoying all the blessings we do have.
  • weazer
    weazer Member Posts: 440
    #16
    sweetvickid said:

    I was stage 3 with node
    I was stage 3 with node involovement and triple negative. A lot of breast cancer in my family. Never worried about it but was good about yearly mammos and self exams and I caught it. By the way Mom a 10 year survivor, great Aunt 20 years and a cousin is 16 years. A few other but I can't remember for how long.

    Had a wonderful oncologist who informed me that death was not one of my options. I went thru 4 round of TAC+avastin and then 4 rounds of ACT+avastin, double mastectomy, and and have 2 more rounds of avastin, 10 rounds all together. Luckily for me I have never been a worrier. Whats gonna happen is gonna happen so why waste time worrying?

    All we can do is stay vigilant about mammos and self exams but put all our energies into living our life and enjoying all the blessings we do have.

    I was just like you
    I would be lieing if I said I was'nt afraid.
    My mother is a BC survivor for 22 years, however she does have a reacurance in the plura of her lungs,for the past three years.
    We went yesterday to her onc to find out results of her most resent pet and bone scan and her markers, everything is doing well she just has to keep taking femara.
    I'm so Happy for my mom.
    I understand how you feel JoAnn, if we get reacurance?
    I try to keep positive and beleave that we both were stage 1 which is good.
    Take care sweetie and keep your head to the sky.
    Karie
  • sal314
    sal314 Member Posts: 599 Member
    #17
    Like Everyone Said...
    your feelings are totally normal. It takes awhile to work through the fear. The thing I find interesting is why it takes a word like "cancer" to get us to grow up and relize life on this earth doesn't last forever? The truth is...no one knows when their last day will be. I could get hit by a bus tomorrow or I could die from a recurrance in 10 years, or I could live until I'm 100 (don't think I want to do that!:). You must trust in God and His plans that he has for you. It's all worked out anyway. It's out of our control and we must surrender it to him and live everyday like it's our last!

    I totally understand the fear. It does get better over time. I was 35 and had a 1 year old son when I was diagnosed. That was 9 years ago! I now have a second child and appreciate "the little things" in life with much more clarity. My faith has carried me and will continue to until God decides to call me home. That's the beauty of having "the peace that surpasses all human understanding." Life won't end, it will just be in a different place, so...no worries!

    Blessings,
    Sally

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