One day at a time is all I can say

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Suzie-Q-Z
Suzie-Q-Z Member Posts: 40
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
Had my second chemo. of Acromycin & Cytoxin, and just shaved my head. I'm doing well so far, just some queeziness and tired. Missing my hair. I'm happy that my daughter seems to be dealing well with all that's going on with me but not offering much help around the home. she is 13, (need I say more). I am recently separated from her Dad and feeling over whelmed. I do have lots of people offering to help who are sincere but it's hard to ask for help with things like doing dishes and vacumming, just daily stuff when my daughter should be kicking in. I'm still working full time as much as possible. It's the little things that get me down. I don't want her to be changed by my situation but I feel like every day to her is just like any other day. My fault to some degree for not teaching her better before but, sheesh, What do I have to do?

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  • Different Ballgame
    Different Ballgame Member Posts: 868
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    Sometimes we don't have the luxury
    Susie,

    Sometimes in our life we do not have the luxury to live in "that perfect world". Sometimes children grow up sooner than we thought (or would like) to happen. Thirteen is not the best age for a girl. I remember my daughter at that age. Those new hormones that they acquire can be trying, but the good thing is that it is temporary. I do believe the cancer will have an effect on her, but let's hope that it is a positive effect. Attitude is very important. Tell her that you need her help. She is definitely capable of doing the dishes and vacuuming. A good rule for you to consider is, "Do not expect your daughter to offer her services. Tell your daughter exactly what you expect from her. It will give her direction."

    Do not attempt to do everything. Ask for her help and make sure you ask for help from the people who offered their services.
  • Alexis F
    Alexis F Member Posts: 3,598
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    Sometimes we don't have the luxury
    Susie,

    Sometimes in our life we do not have the luxury to live in "that perfect world". Sometimes children grow up sooner than we thought (or would like) to happen. Thirteen is not the best age for a girl. I remember my daughter at that age. Those new hormones that they acquire can be trying, but the good thing is that it is temporary. I do believe the cancer will have an effect on her, but let's hope that it is a positive effect. Attitude is very important. Tell her that you need her help. She is definitely capable of doing the dishes and vacuuming. A good rule for you to consider is, "Do not expect your daughter to offer her services. Tell your daughter exactly what you expect from her. It will give her direction."

    Do not attempt to do everything. Ask for her help and make sure you ask for help from the people who offered their services.

    You just said it, One day at
    You just said it, One day at a time! That is the way I live my life. I can't change yesterday and I don't know what tomorrow brings, so, just life the day today the best that you can.

    Your daughter, though, should be helping you. You probably need to have a heart to talk with her to make her understand. She is old enough to know what you are going through.


    Good luck, Lex
  • Christmas Girl
    Christmas Girl Member Posts: 3,682 Member
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    Agree...
    During chemo, and especially if you're also attempting to work as much as possible, you must learn to ask for help. For most of us, this is difficult. Folks who say things like: "Let me know what I can do..." usually mean it! I found that family & friends were "relieved" when asked to assist with simple things! But, you cannot expect them to just show up & figure out on their own what you may need. For me, asking the first time was the hardest. Then, it got easier. And if someone balks or makes excuses - try not to be hurt nor discouraged. Just don't call on that person again - move on to someone else who is sincerely willing.

    Another suggestion, and as has been discussed here on the board many times in the past - learn to let some things go. For example: clean dishes are more important than clean floors.

    Yes, your daughter is certainly old enough to "kick in" a bit with chores. Yet, she probably can't be expected to do everything that may be necessary. Perhaps ask her to do one thing at a time - not a list.

    Kind regards, Susan
  • DianeBC
    DianeBC Member Posts: 3,881 Member
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    Agree...
    During chemo, and especially if you're also attempting to work as much as possible, you must learn to ask for help. For most of us, this is difficult. Folks who say things like: "Let me know what I can do..." usually mean it! I found that family & friends were "relieved" when asked to assist with simple things! But, you cannot expect them to just show up & figure out on their own what you may need. For me, asking the first time was the hardest. Then, it got easier. And if someone balks or makes excuses - try not to be hurt nor discouraged. Just don't call on that person again - move on to someone else who is sincerely willing.

    Another suggestion, and as has been discussed here on the board many times in the past - learn to let some things go. For example: clean dishes are more important than clean floors.

    Yes, your daughter is certainly old enough to "kick in" a bit with chores. Yet, she probably can't be expected to do everything that may be necessary. Perhaps ask her to do one thing at a time - not a list.

    Kind regards, Susan

    Christmas girl said it
    Christmas girl said it perfectly. I just am sending you hugs and hoping you can get some help. You don't need any more stress in your life.

    Hugs, Diane
  • Suzie-Q-Z
    Suzie-Q-Z Member Posts: 40
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    thanks for the pep-talks
    I think Lex got it right, I just need to have a good heart to heart. I tend to wait untill I'm angry then it's too late to have a calm discussion. I should call someone ahead of time and ask them to come help me clean on a Saturday, goodness knows I've had enough offers. I've had a few ladies from church bring dinners by, I just need to call and ask for a little mid-week help too I guess. boy, it's hard when you're used to doing it all yourself. sort of reminds me of that joke where some guy drownds and asks God why he didn't help. God's reply is " I sent a log floating by, I sent a helicopter and I sent a boat". He kept turning away the help saying "God will help me".
    Thenks for the pep-talks gals.
    Suzie
  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
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    Daughter
    LOOK from her side..much has changed for her! Her dad not around like he has been, you ill-and with no hair a daily reminder. Maybe she'll come around..we all handle things so much differently. Can she go to therapist? if not how about journals for both of you...I think helped me a lot..jotting thoughts..no one else read. She may come around-just a lot on her plate + BEING a TEENAGER (hard enough)

    I hope things smooth out...and if anyone offers help-take it..
    I tell everyone do not offer anything you don't mean! I WILL & do take people up on offers...
  • Gabe N Abby Mom
    Gabe N Abby Mom Member Posts: 2,413
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    You've received great advice
    You've received great advice so far...the only thing I'll add is look into Cleaning for a Reason. You can find them on the internet, just put the .com after their name and search. They are not available in all areas, but if you can get them they come clean once a month for 4 months FOR FREE. I would suggest a tip if you can as the cleaners are donating their time.

    Hope this helps. And best wishes to you and your daughter.

    Merry Christmas,

    Linda
  • Suzie-Q-Z
    Suzie-Q-Z Member Posts: 40
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    You've received great advice
    You've received great advice so far...the only thing I'll add is look into Cleaning for a Reason. You can find them on the internet, just put the .com after their name and search. They are not available in all areas, but if you can get them they come clean once a month for 4 months FOR FREE. I would suggest a tip if you can as the cleaners are donating their time.

    Hope this helps. And best wishes to you and your daughter.

    Merry Christmas,

    Linda

    Thanks Linda
    I actually did have a house cleaning service offer to come once a month for about 4 months, they came last weekend and did a 3 hour deep cleaning. Wow, I thought I was a good house keeper. My Mom is employed with them so when the yheard about me they volunteered their services. Thanks though for reminding me to tip. I definately will do that next time.
  • ms.sunshine
    ms.sunshine Member Posts: 707 Member
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    Suzie-Q-Z said:

    Thanks Linda
    I actually did have a house cleaning service offer to come once a month for about 4 months, they came last weekend and did a 3 hour deep cleaning. Wow, I thought I was a good house keeper. My Mom is employed with them so when the yheard about me they volunteered their services. Thanks though for reminding me to tip. I definately will do that next time.

    Don't let your daughter off the hook
    This is a good time to teach her to step up when family needs her. My 8 year old son vaccumed, swept, folded clothes, and other things. You have to tell her what to do, don't expect her to just get up and do it.
  • Suzie-Q-Z
    Suzie-Q-Z Member Posts: 40
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    Don't let your daughter off the hook
    This is a good time to teach her to step up when family needs her. My 8 year old son vaccumed, swept, folded clothes, and other things. You have to tell her what to do, don't expect her to just get up and do it.

    I agree
    If anyone needs to get off the hook it's us. And you're right, what better time for our kids to learn to help out than now? I feel like my generation is letting the kids get of too easy. I've done it all for so long, I think it's time for some help. I'll be nice about it of course but, even with my health aside, there are lessons to learn here. I know she's having a tough time at a difficult age but I am too, just minus the age part, I think :-)